Hello again!
It's great to know that there is so much support out there, especially from people I've never even met! I enjoy reading your comments & I feel a bit stronger already just knowing I can come here and 'talk' and there are people who will 'listen'. Thank you!
goandykid Quote:
My sisters been through anarexia and bulimia before. As you prolly know its all mental, maybe if you were raised for perfection. Try and find out what teh actual REASON it is you do this. Maybe a past memory, low self esteem, trauma etc. There som self esteem things you can do like leave notes on your mirror saying " I look GOOD!" or seomthing like that.
Yes, this 'disease' is all mental and thats the hardest part about beating it. There is no 'magic pill' or cure, only a struggle against yourself to try and beat it. I can't say I was specifically raised for perfection, but I am definately a perfectionist now and that carries over in how I look at myself. What I see when I look in the mirror is, to me, not 'perfect' and I try so hard for that every day. It is really exhausting. But what is 'perfect'? Honestly, I don't think that even exists, yet the part of my bulimic mind says there is, and wants me to achieve that.
I've tried hard to find the acutal reason I do this...I can't pinpoint exactly, but can narrow it down to a couple of tramatic events in my life. The death of my father at age 16, and the abusive relationship I had with a guy at age 17. Think it all started downward from there. Not to mention the struggle with self esteem and body issues I've had since about grade 5 (that was my first time ever going to see a councellor). How sad is that!
The Monkey Man
Hey, I have a better idea...
Let's start with a journal...
Have you started one yet???
Are you working out currently?
You need to tell us about that!?
I have not yet started a journal on this fourm. Perhaps in time I will (or perhaps this will turn into one!?!) I used to just journal on my own, but haven't done that in years.
Yes I am currently working out, I'm a regular gym rat. I've been working out for over 5 years and even though over the years I have developed an intense passion for fitness, I've also become more and more 'obsessed' with it and again, try to strive for perfection.
A few months ago I was training for a figure competition, but had to pull out just months before, as my bulimia and my issues with food was just too much for me for to handle and I couldn't diet down.
Also, I thought long and hard about the after 'effects' of competition, the changes that your body goes through etc, and I just couldn't imagine mentally & emotionally handling that. I think I would have been worse off then, as I am now.
So in the best interest of my health I stopped specifically training for that, but just living that life style for all those months have taken a toll. My trainer had me on a very strict off season diet - it might as well have been a cutting diet, the calories I was taking in was only at my BMR, and I know that isn't enough for me to eat right now with the exercise I do, so I've struggled to try to get my eating back to a somewhat 'normal' diet and have upped my cals over the past little while, which has been extremely hard and I already feel so fat (which I know I'm not).
I get so frustrated because I workout regularly, lift hard, do cardio (but not over do), eat 6 meals a day, watch my calorie intake...
, and still I feel as though I get no where. It's hard when you feel like you're doing everything right and feel like you have nothing to show for it...then again, maybe I do have something to show for it, but in my eyes I'm not this perfect person, with this perfect body that I think I should have, and that haunts me and makes me feel like I'm not good enough.
.....
Ahh okay, well this post is already getting way too long, so I think I'll end it. Sorry for talking your 'eyes' off! lol
I'm sure I'll be back to 'vent' and yap some more...
bye for now
Thanks again all!
Drea
