# Arnold Schwarzenegger's Bodybuilding Tips



## ASchwarzenegger (Aug 14, 2004)

Hello all you noodle kegs,

This shall be my thread of revealing my secret training tips, because as I'm getting old and senile I may not recall everyting precisely.

Here is some tips on how to work out when your not around a gym. When I was shooting the movie Twins, I did not have time to go to any gym. So I improvisied by using Danny Devito as a barbell curl. He got mad sometimes when I started to bench press his bed while he was sleeping in it. 

Also I took my morning nude dip in the nearby pond when I saw a pervert taking pictures of me. So I did a cardiovascular workout punching his stomach until he shit out the fat from his keg. 

Also in 1984 on the set of Preditor I looked over at Carl Weathers and said "Why do you have 8 foot long arms?" he then replied "Why do you have an 8 foot chest?" HAHAHA, we bothed laughed for 5 hours after that.

When I was training in 1980 for a body building contest I started to flex my huge calves in the mirror, I turned to Franco and said " How do you like my huge calves?" Franco just stared at my legs with a sad face because he knew he only had noodle legs, and he knew the only reason he was in a body building competition is because hes a giant leach on my ass. Thats why I cut him off of Austrian steroids, and hes turned into a fat noodle keg.

Here are some photos for your collection.

Mee a age 12


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## ASchwarzenegger (Aug 14, 2004)

Me one day after taking Austrian brand steroids.


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## ASchwarzenegger (Aug 14, 2004)

Here is the best routine I know of for building titanium glutes.

1st Set: Squat 1000lbs x 50reps x 50sets 



Here is another secret Arnold Schwarzenegger story that happened to me on the set of Predator in 1986. I was standing next to Jessie Ventura and during a scene I turned to him and asked him "Why do you have a 300lbs body with no cut and chicken legs?" He then examined my body with a sad face because he knew he had a huge keg that overlaped his belt. Then later that night I was bench pressing an 800lbs tiger carcass I found in the jungle in my tent when I noticed Jessie Ventura peeking in my tent with his huge chin. He was taking notes of my perfect form, so all of a sudden I picked up the tiger carcass over my head and screamed "GEET OOOOOOUUUUUTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!" and whipped the tiger carcass at him but he blocked it with his huge chin.

Here is a picture of Jesse Ventura balancing awkwardly on his noodle legs.


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## ASchwarzenegger (Aug 14, 2004)

Here is another of his gigantic keg flapping around in the ring.


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## ASchwarzenegger (Aug 14, 2004)

Here is the most revealing secret of all. On the set of Commando I was shooting the scene where I was hiding in the shed. I jumped out, accidenly tripped and flung a saw blade at the director's neck, cutting his head clean off. I then said with a plain face, "That's not a way to get ahead in life." Everyone laughed. But unfortunetley that scene was deleted for some reason.

In Jingle All the Way I had to do a fight scene with the Big Show. I said angerly to the Big Show "Big Show?, more like Keg Show!" I then started to dance around him mockingly singing his theme music, "Well its the Keg Show!, yes its a huge keg of fat tonight!" He then attempted to punch me with his fat fist 1mph, so I blocked it with my pectorial and picked up a huge candy cane and punched it through his gut.


Here's my most secret story of all, I was posting messages on a body building website one time when the fat kids on it did not believe it was acually Arnold Schwarzenegger. So one day 
I appeared naked at the foot of one of their bed's. They awoke with a shocked fat baby face at the site of my enormous muscles. I picked up a their monitor that was in their room and smashed it into their horrified face. I then placed their mouse into my mouth and then spit it like a bullet, piercing their soft skin, making that person stick into the wall. "Stick around". I said as I made a protien shake with all of their food and supplements in the kitchen and left. 

Atay tuned for many more of my body building tips and life stories.


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## Stickboy (Aug 14, 2004)




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## MaxMirkin (Aug 16, 2004)

Ok Var, identify this.


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## Var (Aug 16, 2004)

Oh Jesus...


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## Var (Aug 16, 2004)

...and


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## Arnold (Aug 16, 2004)

interesting thread...I guess it's kind of funny, but I am an Arnold fan.


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## ASchwarzenegger (Aug 16, 2004)

Here is a bicep routine that you should do if you want to have mountainis peaks like mine.

1st set: super set 300lb concentration curls with 550lb close grip bench press. Do 25 sets of these.

Here is a true story that will inspire you to be a body builder.

When I was 7 years old in Austria, I was sitting at the table with my father for breakfast. He flexed his arm and said to me "How do you like my huge biceps son?" I replied with a plain face by saying "They are very mountainis peaks. But why do you only train your arms and nothing else daddy?" My father laughed and said, "Because I am not a big fat body builder son." I then replied "One day I am going to be the greatest body builder of all time and move to America to become the greatest action hero movie star of all time." My father looked at me and laughed and said "Better start traning those 18" baby biceps and 4 foot baby chest son." But how could I do this, I was seven and I only had a 4 foot chest and 18" biceps? My fathers 10 foot chest and huge arms intimidated me. My father then slammed a container of Austrain Steroids on the table and screamed at me "EAT THIS SON!" So after that I made sure to poor a huge bowl of Austrian steroids for breakfast every day. We then got ready to go to the local gym. As my father left the kitchen and stuggled to fit his 10 foot chest out the front door I quickly finished my steroids and felt the instant energy boost. I then strapped my family on to my back as I normally did every morning, but this time I felt stronger so I decided to run even faster than before. It only took me 2 hours to run up the 10 mile mountain to the gym with my family on my back. Hahaha. Thats how I turned my 4 foot baby chest and 18" noodle biceps when I was 7 into my 8 foot chest and huge arms today.


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## ASchwarzenegger (Aug 16, 2004)

I shall now reveal to you my secret body building diet I used in 1975 while preparing for a body building competition. I warn you not to try my ultimate gigantic muscle diet. 

Here is a true story why not. 

One morning my training partner Franco Columbu and I were headed down to the gym only to find out that it was closed down for renovations. So I said to Franco, "Hey Franco, let's go back to your place so I can pump up my huge muscles." Franco said, "But how Mr. Schwarzenegger, I do not have any equipment there." So I said, "Do not worry, I will show you how to train your baby muscles even when you do not have equipment." So when we arrived at Franco's little baby apartment, I changed into my work-out clothes and then performed my ritual pre-workout 60 minute Austrian howling, shaking the entire building, and causing everyone to scream in fear. I then raised Franco's sofa over my head and began to perform military presses. On my 20th set I accidently smashed it through his ceiling, causing the above apartment to come crumbling down on top of us, and destroying everything in Franco's apartment. I then picked up two huge 100lbs pieces of cement in my gigantic hands and performed 20 sets of lateral raises. Then to finish my workout I went down outside and deadlifted the entire building over onto Franco's car. I said to Franco, "Now that's what I call smashing good fun." At my house I opened up my 20 foot fridge and put the ingredients into my huge blender, and then gave it to Franco. He asked me, "What's in it." I said, "My personal post-workout mix." After taking a drink of it Franco's stomach immediately exploded because his baby stomach was unable to handle it. The ingredients are listed below in my post-workout shake. 

Here is a picture of Franco's car which he only used to drive to the gym


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## ASchwarzenegger (Aug 16, 2004)

Meal 1: 
20 Raw Eggs 
2 Loaves of Bread 
1 Bowl of Austrian Brand Steroids + 4 Litres of Milk 
1 Apple 
1 Ostrich 

Post-Workout Shake: 
1 Bottle Austrian Brand Steroids 
10 Scoops of Protien Powder 
25 Gallons of Milk 

Meal 2: 
1 Buffalo Head 
5 liters Oatmeal 

Meal 3: 
20 Chickens 
10 Baked Potatoes + Sour Cream 
1 liter of milk 

Meal 4: 
1 Cow Leg 
10lbs of Raw Salad 
25 Bananas 

Meal 5: 
5 Live Salmon (Swallow Whole) 
5lbs Peanut Butter 
1 Coconut 

Meal 6: 
1 10lbs Austrian Peanut 



This is what I ate on an average day. Do not try this or your baby stomachs will explode.


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## Var (Aug 16, 2004)

Its almost like he doesnt even see our posts.


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## Arnold (Aug 16, 2004)

ASchwarzenegger said:
			
		

> Meal 1:
> 20 Raw Eggs
> 2 Loaves of Bread
> 1 Bowl of Austrian Brand Steroids + 4 Litres of Milk
> ...



LMAO, now that was pretty funny.


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## ASchwarzenegger (Aug 16, 2004)

Here is another true story that will inspire you to become a body builder.

While I was training for the Mr. Olympia in 1975 I noticed that when I wore my magic sunglasses I could bench press 1000lbs. You can purchase them from me for 80 million dollars.

Here is a picture of me bench pressing with my magic sunglasses.


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## Arnold (Aug 16, 2004)

classic pic!


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## ASchwarzenegger (Aug 16, 2004)

Here is another true story.

While I was training in 1980 I was surrounded in the gym by noodle arms, constantly talking to each other about their baby routines. It got so loud I couldn't concentrate, so I stood in the middle of the gym and let out a huge Austrian roar, "SSSSHHHUUUUUUUTTTT UUUUUPPPP!!!!" Which shattered all the mirrors around me causing everyone to run out of the gym, so I could have the place to myself. But there was one fat keg using my favorite 200lbs dumbell, struggling to do deadlifts with it for some reason. So I simply came up and stared at him with an enraged face until he left. I then whipped a 45lbs plate like a frizbee at the back of his head as he left, 100 feet across the gym, that snapped his neck forward into his chest. I then said, "He'll never be the head of a major corporation." And continued to do 200lbs pinky curls with my favorite dumbell.

Here is another secret story of my life.

One time I was walking around the gym smoking a huge cigar. I walked up to Franco Columbu as he was doing squats and said, "This smoke represents how pathetic you are." And I blew smoke from my giant cigar into his fat ugly face, and put it out on his baby chest. I then kicked the back of his legs and he then collapsed under the weight. I then said, "If you can't handle the pressure how the hell do you expect to win a body building competition?" I then cracked up a huge keg of beer in my hands like a can of pop, and poured it down his throat with a funnel, with some protien powder.



Another story of when Franco and I where 10 years old, and at steroid band camp.

I noticed Franco playing with a baby flute. So I said, "Why are you playing with a baby flute? You must play a huge tuba like me." And I blew the tuba in his face, sending him flying 50 feet off a cliff.


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## ASchwarzenegger (Aug 16, 2004)

Here is a true story.

While I was training in the gym one day, Franco Columbu was following me around constantly asking questions about everything I did, with a little baby notepad. It got so annoying so I loaded a bar with weight to do barbell curls, after my last rep I yelled "SHHHHUUUTTTT UPPPP!!" and through the bar at Franco, as he grabbed it in his baby hands, I came up and broke his neck. Luckily for him it was only a fracture.

Here is another true story when I first came to America, which will inspire you to grow gigantic lats like me.

I was on a plane, and they didn't have enough protien. So I asked the stuardess for more peanuts, because the peanuts were too small. But she said they didn't have any left because I ate all of them. So I started to scream, "GIVE ME SOME PEANUTS!!! GET ME SOME PROTIEN!!" Everyone started crying. I took huge Austrian stomps towards the back of the plane and started eating everyone's food. I then noticed a mother breast feeding her baby on the other side of the plane. So I ran towards them with a happy face screaming, "AAAAHHH!!!" I picked up the baby and said move aside baby cheeks. I grabbed and squeezed the milk out of her like a hose into my mouth. I then began searching the plane for more protien. I noticed people's pets locked up in cages in the storage area. I saw a squirrel in a cage eating a peanut. "THIS IS MINE NOW!" I attempted to grab the peanut from the squirrel but it escaped towards the cockpit, I chased it down while stomping, jiggling the plane, and started smashing all the controls trying to capture the squirrel. The plane started flying around out of control, so I jumped out of the plane and used my huge lats as a cape and glided down to safety.


Here is another true story of my first time working out in an american gym.

While I was about to bench press 1000lbs, I noticed my magic sunglasses were stolen. I noticed Franco in the corner using them. So I stood up, and floated towards him 100mph screaming, "GIVE ME BACK MY SUNGLASSES!!!" He was staring at me with the most horrified face. All of a sudden everything turned red. And I levitated 10 feet into the air, pointed at him and said, "YOU!" And continued to float towards him with an enraged face, then pinched his cheek. "Phew..." Said Franco. "HHHIIIIIIYYYYYAAAA!!!!!!!!" I screamed as I punched a hole through the wall 1/2 from his head, and grabbed the sunglasses from his hand. "NEXT TIME ASK IF YOU WANT TO USE THEM!" Then a security guard came up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder, "Excuse me." "EEGGNNNNAAAGH!" I screamed as I turned around and punched off his head.

Another time, I arrived at the gym too late, and it was locked. I was extremely mad. I started shaking the doors off their hinges screaming, "LET ME IN!!" I then just simply flexed my pectorial, smashing the doors open.


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## myCATpowerlifts (Aug 16, 2004)

omfg

all of these are fuqing hilarious!


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## pmech (Aug 16, 2004)

The diet one was good


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## PreMier (Aug 16, 2004)

Oh jeez.


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## ASchwarzenegger (Aug 16, 2004)

Here is a new true story that will inspire you to become an actor like me. 

During the movie Twins, I was studying the noodle keg habits of Danny DeVito, secretly following him around. He would get up in the morning, eat a bag of chips, then go back to bed. So one day while filming I asked him, "Don't you care that you have a giant keg?" He responded, "No." And took a bite of a huge Klondike bar. The next day we filmed the scene where I was to deadlift the car. But the secret is that I was actually deadlifting Danny DeVito's keg. 

Here is a picture of Danny DeVito trying to balance with his huge keg.


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## P-funk (Aug 16, 2004)

this is by far the best thread i have ever seen.


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## rule62 (Aug 16, 2004)

It is so cool that Arnold has joined IM! I would have thought he was too busy now that he is Governer of California. I love that bench pic with the "magic" sunglasses.


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## Vital Signs (Aug 16, 2004)

I've been waiting 27 years for my magic sunglasses to arrive.  I still have $79,973,000 left to pay on my loan!


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## ASchwarzenegger (Aug 16, 2004)

This is another secret story of my life. 


Once, In 1973, I got in a fight with Bruce Lee. I simply stood there as he attacked me for 25 minutes and was unable to penatrate my massive muscle tissue. He attempted to kick me in the groin but his foot got stuck between my massive thighs. I squeezed my thighs together, breaking his leg and then I simply blew him away with a massive scream, "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!". 


Here is a story on how important sleep is. 

One morning at 5am, I was sleeping, and a fat bird woke me up with it's constant fat cheeping for 30mins. So the next morning I was prepared, and waited with a huge shotgun, and when it landed on my windowsill and started to cheep with it's fat face, I had a change of heart as I noticed it's bird legs. So I started to train it with little birdy aerobics, and called him Tweety, and invited him into the gym with me. One time I gave the bird to Franco to hold onto in the gym, and it was contstantly cheeping in his ear while he was doing squats. He got so annoyed he let it go, I screamed at him to find Tweety. We searched the city all day, until I finally noticed it pearched 20 feet on top of a statue. Then I said, "Come here my little friend." And I inhaled him towards me with my giant lung. And accidently swallowed it.


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## Vital Signs (Aug 16, 2004)

Totally ignored my post!  $80 million bucks down the drain (in his pocket),... probably spent keeping his feet pampered.  I at least deserve a life-time supply of Austrian Steroids..!


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## ASchwarzenegger (Aug 16, 2004)

Here is a true story about my quest for an Ostrich egg. 

One morning, I noticed I was out of Ostrich eggs. So I went to my backyard farm to get some, but Franco had stolen my flock of Ostriches. So I travelled out to the country to find an Ostrich, I finally found one, guarding an egg. I couldn't go up and take it, because I would have got cut by it's huge Ostrich claw. So I dressed up as an Ostrich and started walking towards it. The ostrich caught a glimpse of my giant steroid legs poking out of my costume, and was afraid because it knew it only had noodle bird legs. I stood up and started flapping my huge Ostrich wings and screamed, "GIVE ME THE DAMN EGG!!!!!!" The wind from my flaps flew the bird away into the sky. I then cracked open the gigantic egg and drank a half underdevolped baby ostrich. 

When I came back to my ranch, I noticed the World Wildlife Fund had found out about my farm, and had confiscated all of my animals. I could no longer eat my precious silver back gorilla meat. And they had taken my only living dodo, which lays me it's precious egg every morning. Then I noticed my pet bird Tweety's cage was empty, they had taken him. "NNNNNNOOOOOO!!!!!! TWEEEEEETTYYYYY!!!!" But I then noticed he was only at the bottom of the cage taking a dump.


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## Var (Aug 16, 2004)

This guys starting to give me a DERELICTE/ASSPUNCTURE vibe.


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## PreMier (Aug 16, 2004)

Beat ya to it.  See post #22


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## Var (Aug 16, 2004)

Dude, post 22 says "oh jeez".  You didnt beat me to shit!


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## SPIKE1257 (Aug 16, 2004)

Here's a true story... This thread sucks.. I'm not laughing.. At least write something funny.


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## ASchwarzenegger (Aug 16, 2004)

Here are some more photos from my personal photo album.

Here is a picture of me very happy to receive my 8th grade equivalency diploma at age 53.


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## ASchwarzenegger (Aug 16, 2004)

Here is a picture of me before I sliced off Lou Ferrigno's head.


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## ASchwarzenegger (Aug 16, 2004)

One day I ate pure yogurt, and this is a picture of me uncontrollibly taking a huge yogurt shit while doing reverse preacher curls.


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## Vital Signs (Aug 16, 2004)

your gettin' a little stretched and flabby underneath the chin there, dude.  My Mother looked better at 53.  And I want my $80 million f*cking bucks back!


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## Var (Aug 16, 2004)

ASchwarzenegger said:
			
		

> One day I ate pure yogurt, and this is a picture of me uncontrollibly taking a huge yogurt shit while doing reverse preacher curls.


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## ASchwarzenegger (Aug 16, 2004)

Vital Signs said:
			
		

> your gettin' a little stretched and flabby underneath the chin there, dude. My Mother looked better at 53. And I want my $80 million f*cking bucks back!


That was a pic of my twin brother Barnold who did a stand in for me. I was unavailable at the time for photo pic.


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## Var (Aug 16, 2004)

DEREPUNCTURE...you're one funny bastard!


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## ASchwarzenegger (Aug 16, 2004)

One time I wanted to demonstrate the power of my buttocks. But did not know how. At first, I cracked walnuts between my titanium ass cheeks, but that was too easy. So I looked for something harder to crack. So I picked up a 45lbs plate, and cracked it in half. I then searched the city for something harder to crack. I then noticed a telephone pole, and cracked it like a baby twig. I then walked into a steel factory and picked up a huge piece of titanium steel and cracked it while screaming as loud as I could. I noticed my buttocks got an excellent workout from this. I then stood next to a cement wall and began to punch it down with my ass cheeks. But later that night I had a problem, I had to take a huge crap, but my rock hard gigantic buttocks were fused together because of it's muscularity. I did the splits to attempt to spread them, but that just made them tighter for some reason. So I took a laxative, but it did not work, and I did not shit that day. The next day I was doing the abdominator, and I felt a cramp in my powerful stomach. I just ignored it and began to flex my ass in the mirror. I flexed so hard I ripped a hole straight through my pants. Then all of a sudden I could not hold in my cramps, then uncontrobly liquid shit began to leak from my rock hard ass like water struggling to get out of a mountain crack, and it sprayed out in such a fine line, it was like a laser cutting everything it was aimed at.


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## maniclion (Aug 16, 2004)

Just because the glue say's non-toxic doesn't warrant eating your whole kindergarten classes year supply.


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## Erik (Aug 16, 2004)

I was thinking that halfway through skimming the thread.
You have to admit the DIET was funny


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## ASchwarzenegger (Aug 16, 2004)

Here is a story to motivate your nutritional habits.

I opened my huge fridge to notice it was empty except for a jar of huge pickles. So I decided to go for my daily groceries. It was a sunny day out, so I decided to run naked down the street, propelling myself 100mph each step with my gigantic legs. I stopped to smell a tulip, and accidently inhaled a bee. I sneezed the bee, like a bullet into a someone's huge keg, popping it like a balloon. When I got to the grocery store, it was locked and I started screaming, "LET ME IN!!!!" while shaking the doors off their hinges. The fat narc security guard beside me started to shit his pants. I then simply walked and smashed through the doors with my 8 foot chest. I loaded my daily 8 shopping cart load, and left a shiny penny on the counter.


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## maniclion (Aug 16, 2004)

ASchwarzenegger said:
			
		

> Meal 1:
> 20 Raw Eggs
> 2 Loaves of Bread
> 1 Bowl of Austrian Brand Steroids + 4 Litres of Milk
> ...


Even if my stomach could handle it I think my sphincter would snap like a blower belt in a dragster with Sgt. Bilko's Motor Pool as the Pit Crew.


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## kvyd (Aug 16, 2004)

Can we get an IP check here and see who this fucker is?


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## ASchwarzenegger (Aug 16, 2004)

Here is a true story.

After my work-out I was doing my Austrian mediation, which requires complete silence for 2 hours. I was very irratated by a fat man on a stairmaster breathing through his fat nostrils with his fat lungs. So I screamed, "SSHHHHHUUUTTT UUUUUUUUPPP!!!" He couldn't here me because of his fat headphones playing his baby music. So all of a sudden I stompted towards him with an enraged face and picked up the stairmaster with him on it and through it outside into a dumptruck driving by.

The next day as I was meditating again, a fat beaver head was chewing gum with his giant beaver teeth while writing in his baby journal. So I simply rippped off his head and replaced it with a picture of my face.


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## Luke9583 (Aug 16, 2004)

If it were Ass-man, he'd have pics in his gallery.


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## ASchwarzenegger (Aug 16, 2004)

After that I then noticed Danny DeVito struggling to do 1 sit-up in the corner with an enraged face. I then flew towards him. He got up all out of breath from struggling to do 1-sit up and took a bite of a huge klondike bar and washed it down with a chocolate milkshake, and said, "Whew, what a work-out!" I then clenched his gut with my huge hand. "Ow." He said with a plain face. I then squeezed his stomach like play-doe coming out between my fingers and said, "Can I use some of this fat to add mass to my pectorial muscles?" He then replied, "No, I need my keg." As he was leaving the gym something fell out of his shorts, it was a vibrating dildo. But I did not know what it was at the time and used it to stir Franco's post-workout shake and said, "Hey Franco, look at this schmancy mancy stick." Then all of a sudden a whipped out my huge magnum and screamed, "ENEEEEA!!!" and shot a burgler stealing my 2.5lbs plate with a huge buckshot to the head across the gym. I then said, "That's gotta hurt." Then all of a sudden he floated back up with uncontrollable body twitching, and everyone was screaming, "Save us Arnold!!". So I picked up a barbell and whipped it through his chest like a harpoon.


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## ASchwarzenegger (Aug 16, 2004)

One time I met Sylvester Stallone in a secret celebrity gym in Hollywood. I examined his baby body with a disgusted face. He looked at me with a plain face, then all of a sudden my face morphed into his face and I said, "You wish this was your body." And began to flex and said, "You would have died if I was Ivan Draco and I punched you with my giant arm." He looked at me and mumbled something and left. I then whipped a 45lbs plate at the back of his head, but his iron head blocked it. Because on Rocky he absorbed 85 million punches to the head.


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## Vital Signs (Aug 16, 2004)

> Can we get an IP check here and see who this fucker is?


Hey dude,... this is the real deal..!  The Zeus of all body builders!  The icon of steroid abusers!  

Hey, Arnie,... did you ever make any porn flicks..???  I would love to see a few stills of you hammering Vanessa..!


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## ASchwarzenegger (Aug 16, 2004)

Here is a true story.

One time I noticed Franco doing baby squats of 500lbs. So I walked over to him and said, "Why are you doing baby squats? You must do squats like me." And loaded 1000lbs onto the bar and began to squat. On my way back up I exhaled so hard I blew all the equipment and people randomly around in the gym. Then inhaled on the way down and sucked everyone towards me. This continued for 20 reps, creating a tornado. Franco got caught in the eye of the tornado, clenching onto a 200lbs dumbell.


One time I noticed Franco Columbu had been stealing scoops from my protein powder. So to get back at him one night I broke into his house, kicked open his bedroom door with a huge shotgun and screamed, "HHHHIIIIYYYEAAA!" And shot him in his horriefied face. Luckily for him it was only a paint-ball gun.

Another time late at night, there was a thunderstorm. So I went over to Jay Cutler's house, when lightning struck he could see me peaking into his room with an enraged face. When he thought I left I broke into his house and clogged his toilet with my huge elephant shit. I also replaced his apple juice with my urine, and replaced his steroids with poison.


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## ASchwarzenegger (Aug 16, 2004)

Here is a true story.

One time I invited Tweety into the mall with me. I wanted to buy him a little birdy aerobic outfit. I went into foot locker and asked them. "What the hell...we don't have that." So I started to scream, "GET TWEETY'S DAMN OUTFIT!!!" And started to rip off random people's clothes to contruct a perfect miniature addidas outfit, complete with headbands, earphones, shoes, and bird leash. So I could never lose him like before and accidently swallow him again.


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## ASchwarzenegger (Aug 16, 2004)

One time I was headed for a body building competion. I ran out on stage beacause I was late and began to scream and pose. I then realised that I was standing in the middle of a children's spelling B competion. I laughed out loud and said to a fat sweaty brat who was about to spell a word in the microphone, "Spell this!" And flexed my huge arms towards him. I breathed in a deep breath while I flexed and sucked him towards me, then exhaled and blew him off the stage.


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## ASchwarzenegger (Aug 16, 2004)

Here is why I made the film Junior.

One day at the gym I noticed Danny DeVito's keg bouncing around as he was struggling to walk on a treadmill 1mph. So I walked over and said, "I wonder what it's like to have a huge keg?" and ripped off his shirt and examined his keg. I began to jiggle it, and test it. To see how long it takes to stop jiggling. He then said, "What are you doing?" I then said, "We should do a movie called Junior where I have a huge keg." "Ok." He said with a plain face then took a bite of a huge Big Mac.


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## ASchwarzenegger (Aug 16, 2004)

Here is one of the transcripts during my audition for the role of Chewbacca.

I walked into the room naked except for wearing a Chewbacca mask and screamed, "RRRGGGAAAAHHHH!!"I then noticed George Lucas had a huge keg and walked over to him and said, "You should work-out more." And poked his keg. He said, "The only work-out I do is this." And took a bite of a huge Star Wars chocolate bar. The next day I came back for the role of Darth Vader. I got dressed up in costume and began my role. I said, "Luke, I am your fa-. EEEENNNNNEEAAA!!!" As I whipped out my huge magnum and shot a random noodle keg in the corner eating a donut. Then said, "Can I do this in the movie?" George Lucas said, "No. Get out." On my way out I whipped out a real lightsaber and chucked it like a boomerang towards George Lucas. But he blocked it with his force powers and floated out of the building while surrounded in a protective bubble.


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## ASchwarzenegger (Aug 16, 2004)

Here is a story that will inspire you to become a body builder.

One time at the gym, Franco decided to leave early and did not want to spot me. I looked around the gym and could not find him. I then noticed him peaking across the gym at me with a horrified face as he left through the back entrance. I then started to run across the gym after him, taking giant stomps with a plain face. I chased him into the parking lot and jumped onto the hood of his car as he was backing out. I then smashed my face through the windshield and said, "Get out." with a plain face. "Holy Shit! Whatever you want! Just don't hurt me!" He exclaimed. I replied in a very low tone, "Aaaaaaah." He said, "What the fuck's your problem!?" I then smashed my fist through Franco's driver's side window and pulled him out, holding him in the air by his throat. I said, "I need you to spot my benchpress for one set." And through him into the gym. While he was flying across the parking lot his shorts got caught on a car antennae causing him to all of a sudden smash into the gym naked. But when I got back into the gym, he was not there. He had escaped again. So I ran out 200mph to his house with my huge legs and knocked on his door. He opened it a crack with the chain lock on. I then asked, "Franco Columbu?" He said, "Yes?" I then slammed open the door with an enraged face, pulled out my magnum while walking towards him aimed at his face. He then shit his pants at the site of my huge magnum with the most horrified baby face you can imagine. I then shot around his head 100mph with my huge 85 round clip.



Because Franco's Columbu's baby frame is specifically designed for deadlifting. If I had 2 foot legs I could deadlift a lot more too. My huge long legs makes it more difficult.



One time I was auditioning for the role of The Hulk. They painted me green and I flexed my huge muscles. But they said my muscles were too big for the role, because The Hulk only had a 5 foot chest, and that it would take too long to paint my huge 8 foot chest.


One time I was celebrating after a Mr. Olympia by smoking a joint. I offered it to Franco Columbu but he refused, "No." With a huge narc mustache for some reason. "What's you problem?" He then pulled out his huge cell phone began to dial 911. I then kicked him in the nuts causing him to open his mouth screaming, and shoved the joint down his throat with my huge finger.


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## MaxMirkin (Aug 17, 2004)

Var said:
			
		

> Dude, post 22 says "oh jeez".  You didnt beat me to shit!


You're both slow, I figured it was him from post #1.  That's why I asked what you thought, Sherlock.  (Since you're so intimately acquainted with him.  )


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## Var (Aug 17, 2004)

MaxMirkin said:
			
		

> You're both slow, I figured it was him from post #1.  That's why I asked what you thought, Sherlock.  (Since you're so intimately acquainted with him.  )



I thought it was him from post #1, too...just didnt want to interfere.  My deductive skills intimidate him...hindering the comedy.


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## Dale Mabry (Aug 17, 2004)

Var said:
			
		

> I thought it was him from post #1,




Well, there is only one sure way for you to tell, eh Var?  


Oh, btw, did you see the setlists for the DMB gorge download?


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## Var (Aug 17, 2004)

Dale Mabry said:
			
		

> Well, there is only one sure way for you to tell, eh Var?








			
				Dale Marby said:
			
		

> Oh, btw, did you see the setlists for the DMB gorge download?



Pretty sweet, huh?  I'm trying to make the PA show with DMB, Ben Harper, Pearl Jam, etc...


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## Dale Mabry (Aug 17, 2004)

Var said:
			
		

>




How did you know asspuncture and derelect were the same person?

I believe I offered up a theory.  You cold use that theory with Arnold here.


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## Var (Aug 17, 2004)

I knew because the style of humor was the same, he used the same thing under his avi, and the Brad Pitt pic was a dead giveaway.  This guy is a bit different, has kind of a 'duncan' flavor  , but could still be ASSPIRATE changing his game a little.  

What was your theory???


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## MaxMirkin (Aug 17, 2004)

Var said:
			
		

> What was your theory???


You don't really want to know.


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## Var (Aug 17, 2004)




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## Spitfire (Aug 17, 2004)

Hey what happend, I dont come here for one day this whole place goes to shit.
Our server was down, I had to do WORK all day. I was so bored, Yet productive. 
Whats new?


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## Dale Mabry (Aug 17, 2004)

Albob's old, Johnny has no sense of humor, Robert Dimaggio looks like the kid from eight is enough, and GW Bush said something stupid.  That oughta catch you up.


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## largepkg (Aug 17, 2004)

Dale Mabry said:
			
		

> Albob's old, Johnny has no sense of humor, Robert Dimaggio looks like the kid from eight is enough



 Wow! Rob, Dale has you pegged.


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## Vital Signs (Aug 17, 2004)

> This guy is a bit different, has kind of a 'duncan' flavor  , but could still be ASSPIRATE changing his game a little.


I don't think ASSFUK is this creative, although the last few "true stories" were rather boring/lame.  It would surprise me if this were in fact the FECAL-DICKED one!


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## ALBOB (Aug 17, 2004)

Dale Mabry said:
			
		

> Albob's old, Johnny has no sense of humor, Robert Dimaggio looks like the kid from eight is enough, and GW Bush said something stupid.  That oughta catch you up.



And obviously Dale is still lacking in creativity.  Come on Dale, a little originality goes a long way.


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## Var (Aug 17, 2004)

ASchwarzenegger said:
			
		

> Here is a true story.
> 
> Another time late at night, there was a thunderstorm. So I went over to Jay Cutler's house, when lightning struck he could see me peaking into his room with an enraged face. When he thought I left I broke into his house and clogged his toilet with my huge elephant shit. I also replaced his apple juice with my urine, and replaced his steroids with poison.



  Almost pissed myself while reading this one!


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## ASchwarzenegger (Aug 24, 2004)

Here is another true story.

One time, Franco aske me to spot him while he was lifting baby weights. So as he was benching his baby weights I tea bagged him, causing him to drop his baby weight onto his baby chest as he let out a baby scream. I told him if you want to be a great bodybuilder like me you must not let anything detract you.
We laughed for 9 hours after that.


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## Luke9583 (Aug 24, 2004)

Grooper


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## rupy (Sep 19, 2004)

OMG, this dude is hilarious. Seriously I like couldnt breath while reading of his posts.


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## UltimateFighter (Oct 28, 2005)

i want more stories!


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## MyK (Oct 28, 2005)

UltimateFighter said:
			
		

> i want more stories!


where the fuck did you come from digging up old ass threads?


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## GFR (Oct 28, 2005)

UltimateFighter said:
			
		

> i want more stories!


Racist


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## HANK-VISSER (Oct 29, 2005)

man this shit is funny as hell!!!


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## UltimateFighter (Nov 9, 2005)

i had no idea this was old. someone posted it on myspace and this thread is the best ive ever seen. i showed it to my training partner today. LOL!


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