# Tell your best Piss/Shit your pants story here



## bigdog118 (Apr 12, 2010)

As an adult, this happened 2 years ago.

A few months  after I moved to Japan I loved off the beaten path where the subway  doesn't reach. I went with my then-girlfriend to a famous restaurant  which is out of the central areas of town. That area of town has a light  rail system. Ate at the place, then hopped the light rail system back  to my apartment.

I don't know what I ate but while riding the  light rail I suddenly had a very fierce need to shit. Felt like someone  was sticking needles through my intestines and my sphincter was spazzing  out. So I figure out how long until my stop and decide there's no way  I'll make it. In 2 stops there's a shopping mall, there must be a toilet  there, so I explain to my girlfriend that I've gotta get out and use  the restroom urgently. Meanwhile I am fighting to hold in the torrent of  diarrhea I know will unleash the moment my sphincter relaxes. The  intervening stop felt like an eternity, I wanted to yell at the fucking  doors to close already.

Ok so we stop at shopping mall, I bolt  out the door running awkwardly to keep my ass tightly shut while moving  as quickly as possible, leave my girlfriend completely in the dust  running after me, and I can't find a restroom. I spot a McDonald's, they  usually have a restroom and it's usually clean, so I run in there but  of course they don't have one. So I bolt back out and frantically look  around, I can feel the leaking starting and I am in the atrium of a  crowded fucking shopping mall here. Then I see a corridor leading to an  emergency exit and just think to myself, fuck it. I run down that way,  throw open the emergency exit door, and try to get my shorts down and  squat on the landing of the stairwell. But it was too late. I sprayed  diarrhea all over the landing, inside and outside of my shorts, shoes,  fucking EVERYWHERE. I hear my girlfriend running after me and when she  catches up she says OH MY GOD!

So she goes back to my place to  get me some fresh clothes, about a half an hour round trip walk, and  meanwhile I am squatting there with my shorts around my ankles on the  emergency exit stairway. Sometime while I was squatting there a couple  of teenage boys walked by and their eyes bugged out.

Most  embarrassing experience of my life. My girlfriend was a trooper though.


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## MyK (Apr 12, 2010)

I spent the summer between my 2nd and 3rd year of college suckling on the parental teat in South Florida. It was the absolute prime of my "do anything to get laid" phase. I was recently freed from a 4-year long-distance relationship that began in high school and I wanted nothing more than to have sex with as many girls as possible.
Most of the things I did that summer are not story-worthy; you can only tell the same, "I got drunk on Dom and fucked this hottie" story so many times before it gets annoying. That summer I experienced every random sex situation that a 20 year old can imagine: fucking on the beach, getting head from random girls in club bathrooms, sleeping with 3 different girls in a day, getting so drunk I passed out during sex, getting arrested for receiving fellatio in the pool at the Delano, blah, blah, blah...Jesus. What does it say about how fucked up my life is that I don't consider these stories to be extraordinary anymore?


Anyway, while most of my stories may not be extraordinary for me, there is one very notable exception...
I was seeing one girl, "Jaime," about twice a week. She was a fresh arrival to South Beach, having moved there 5 months ago from upstate New York as a 19 year old with a modeling contract. We met through a mutual friend who befriended her while they were shooting a TV commercial. Five weeks and lots of sex later, she thought we were dating. I knew better, but she was way too hot to bother correcting her assumption.
The ex-girlfriend of 4-years I previously spoke about was very sexually conservative. It was missionary in the dark and then straight to sleep, with maybe a blowjob on the weekends if she'd had a few glasses of wine with dinner (it was a high school relationship, I didn't know any better). After four years of this, I was ready to experience all the things I'd missed out on (when I wasn't cheating on her, of course).
Buttsex, known in the biz as "anal," was one of these unknowns, and I decided that I wanted to try it. Jaime was the perfect partner: very hot and very sweet, and more importantly, very naïve and very open to suggestion.
She was reluctant at first, not understanding why we just couldn't keep having normal sex, so I had to employ my persuasive powers:
Jaime "But...I've never done it."
Tucker "I've never done it either; it can be our thing."
Jaime "But...I don't know if I'll like it."
Tucker "You won't have to worry about getting pregnant."
Jaime "But...I like normal sex."
Tucker "Everyone's doing anal. It's the new black."
Jaime "But...I don't know...it seems weird."
Tucker "It's the preferred method in Europe. Especially with the runway models. Don't you want to do runways in Europe?"
After a few weeks of this, she finally consented. Though she agreed to let me put my penis in her small hole, she extracted a promise in return:
"OK, we can try anal sex, but I want it to be special and romantic. You have to take me out to a nice place, like The Forge or Tantra, NOT one of your parent's restaurants, and it has to be a weekend night, NOT a Monday. And you have to keep taking me out on weekends. I'm tired of being your Monday night girl."
I made reservations for the next Friday at Tantra. Aside from being insanely expensive, Tantra is famous for having grass floors. Really; they put in new sod every week. They also advertise their food as "aphrodisiac cuisine." Yes, at that point in my life, I thought these things worked.
Thanks to my father's connections, I got us a corner booth in the grass room. She was quite impressed. I ordered like it was the Last Supper. No expense was spared. Two $110 bottles of merlot, veal rack, stone crabs, the Tantra Love platter--it was lavish and decadent. I was 21, stupid, and wanted to fuck Jaime in the butt; I wasn't about to let a $400 tab get in my way.
By the time we left Tantra, this girl had doe eyes that made Bambi look like a heroin-chic CK model. She could not have been more in love with me. The entire drive back to my place she was rubbing my crotch, telling me how badly she wanted to me to fuck her, how hot I made her, etc, etc. We get back to my place and our clothes are off before we even get in the door. We collapse on the bed and start fucking. Normal vaginal sex at first, just like always.
Now, what she did not know, and what I have not told you yet, was that I had a surprise waiting for her.
[Aside: Before I tell you what the surprise was, let me make this clear: As I stand right now, 27 as of this writing, I am a bad person. At 21, I was possibly the worst person in existence. I had no regard for the feelings of others, I was narcissistic and self-absorbed to the point of psychotic delusion, and I saw other people only as a means to my happiness and not as humans worthy of respect and consideration. I have no excuse for what I did; it was wrong and I regret it. Even though I normally revel in my outlandish behavior, sometimes even I cross the line, and this is one of those situations....but of course, I'm still going to write about it.]
This was going to be my first time foraging in the ass forest, and I wanted to have a reminder of my trip, a memento I could carry with me the rest of my life...so I decided to film us.
I planned this beforehand, but I was afraid she would decline, so instead of being mature and discussing this with Jaime, I just made the executive decision to get it on camera...without telling her.
That alone is pretty bad. But instead of just setting up a hidden camera...I got my friend to hide in my closet and film it.
No really--I know that I will burn in hell. At this point, I'm just hoping that my life can serve as a warning to others.
I left my door unlocked and we arranged it so that around midnight my friend would go over to my place and wait until my car pulled in, and then run into the closet and get the camera ready. The top half of the closet door was a French shutter, so it was easy to move the slats and give him a decent camera shot through the closed door.
By the time Jaime and I got to the bed, I was so drunk I had forgotten that he was filming this, and of course she had no idea he was there. After a few minutes of standard sex, she kinda stopped and said, all serious and in her best seductive soap opera voice, "I'm ready."
I quickly flipped her over and grabbed the brand new bottle of AstroGlide I had on my bedside table.
A week prior, after Jaime consented to buttsex, I realized that I didn't have any idea how to do it. How exactly do you fuck a girl in the ass? Luckily, I had the world's best anal sex informational resource at my disposal: The gay waiter. I consulted several gay waiters who worked at one of my parents restaurants about the mechanics of buttsex, and each one recommended AstroGlide as the lubricant of choice. Much to my dismay, I learned that spitting on your dick is not enough lube for buttsex. Stupid, lying porn movies.
The other important piece of advice I remembered was from Calvin, "Make sure you use enough, because if this is her first time, she'll be especially tight, and it might hurt her. Use enough to really loosen her up and go slow until she gets used to it. Then it's smooth sailing from there."
Well, since some is good, more is better, right? At 21, this seemed logical.
I opened the cap, crammed the bottle top into her asshole, and squeezed. I probably emptied half of the 4-ounces of AstroGlide into her. I have since learned from homosexuals that a 4-ounce bottle usually lasts them about 6 months. So yeah--I overdid it.
But Tucker Max wasn't done. Oh no, after depositing enough grease in her to run a Formula One racecar, I dumped half of what remained onto my cock and balls, really wanting to lube up because I didn't want her to be uncomfortable.
Really--consider my thought process: I was going to fuck her in the butt and film it without her consent, yet I was truly concerned about her personal comfort. Sometimes the contradictions in my personality even amuse me.
Predictably, I slid in with ease. She was a little tense at first, but with an Exxon Valdez size load spilled into her poop chute, she quickly loosened up and got into it. I liked it also; it had a different feel to it. Not as good as vaginal sex, a little grainy, kinda tight, but still very nice.
Before I knew it I was fucking her like the apocalypse was imminent, burying it to the hilt with impunity. After a few minutes I was ready to come. My urgency was expressed in my tempo, and I began really jackhammering her. As the excitement got the best of me, I pulled out too far and my dick came out of her ass. I kinda scrambled to grab my dick and put it back in so I could finish off inside of her, but before I could even get a hold of it and put it back in her ass, I heard a faint "psssst" sound and felt something wet and warm hit my crotch.
It was dark in the room (I was not smart or sober enough to leave the lights on for the camera), so after I looked down it took me a few seconds to realize that my dick, balls and groin area were covered in a viscous black liquid. I stopped moving and stared at my strangely colored crotch for a good 5 seconds, completely confused, until I realized what happened:
"Did you...did you just...shit on my dick??"
I reached down to touch the liquid feces, still in complete and utter disbelief that this girl shot explosive diarrhea on my penis, when, without warning, the smell hit me.
I have a very sensitive nose, and I have never been more repulsed by a smell in my life. The combination of synthetic AstroGlide and rancid stench of raw fecal matter combined to turn my stomach, which was full of seafood, veal and wine, completely over.
I tried to hold it back. I really did everything I could to stop myself, but there are certain physical reactions that are beyond conscious control. Before I knew what I was doing, it just came out:
"BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH"
I vomited all over her ass. Into her crack. Into her asshole. On her ass cheeks. On the small of her back. Everywhere.
She turned her head, said, "Tucker, what are you doing?," saw me vomiting on her, screamed "Oh my God!," and immediately joined me:
"BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH"
Watching her throw up on my bed made me vomit even more. Her vomiting all over my bed, me vomiting on her ass, the next step was almost inevitable.
I heard the loud CRASH first, turned to see my friend break through the shutters and rip the closet door off as he, the video camera, and the door tumbled out of the closet and crashed onto the floor next to us:
"BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH"
The memory of the 2-second span where all three of us were vomiting at once is permanently seared into my brain. I have never heard anything like that symphony of sickness. It was like something out of the old Pink Panther movies.
I think the crowning moment was when my eyes locked with Jaime's, I saw her moment of realization and then her quick shift from shock and surprise to complete and irreparable anger. Between bouts of hurling she flipped out:
"OH MY GOD--BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH--YOU FILMED THIS, YOU ASSHOLE-- BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH-- HOW COULD YOU-- BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH--I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME--BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH--OH MY GOD-- BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH--I LET YOU FUCK ME IN THE ASS--BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH."
She tried to stand up, slipped on the huge puddle of backflow AstroGlide on the bed, and fell into both my pile and her pile of vomit, covering her body and hair in vomit, shit and anal lubricant. She flailed on the bed for a second, grabbed the top sheet, wrapped it around her, and started running out of my place. Still naked and retching, my dick covered in shit and oil, I followed her as far as my front door.
The last contact I ever had with her is the image I witnessed of her in a dead sprint, a shit, vomit and grease stained sheet stuck to her body, running from my apartment.

POST-SCRIPT:
The camera we used was one of those old fragile ones that filmed onto a VHS tape, and when he crashed out of the closet, the tape recorder and tape broke. It didn't occur to us at that the tape records the images magnetically, and we could take the actual tape itself and get someone to put it in another holster until after we had thrown it out. I know it seems stupid now, and believe me I kick myself about it everyday, but you should have seen the apartment afterwards--the tape was not a high priority. AstroGlide, shit and vomit covered EVERYTHING.
I had to rent one of those steam cleaners, buy a new mattress, and I STILL lost my deposit. It was impossible to get the smell out. The next month was like living in a sewer. Every girl I brought back to my place after that refused to stay there, and some even refused to sleep with me anywhere because of how my place smelled.
What I never found out, and I still want to know, is how the girl got home. I never heard from her again, and the mutual friend who introduced us called her but didn't get her calls returned. I never heard anything about her or from her again, even though she left her clothes and ID at my place (she wore a tight dress out that night, and didn't bring a purse or any money with her).
Can you picture that scene? What did she do, hop in taxi? Wave down a passing car? Get on the bus? She lived at least 30 miles away, there is no way she walked home. It perplexes me to this day.
I'm hoping she reads this. Maybe then I'll find out how she got home


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## bigdog118 (Apr 12, 2010)

MyK 3.0 said:


> I spent the summer between my 2nd and 3rd year of college suckling on the parental teat in South Florida. It was the absolute prime of my "do anything to get laid" phase. I was recently freed from a 4-year long-distance relationship that began in high school and I wanted nothing more than to have sex with as many girls as possible.
> Most of the things I did that summer are not story-worthy; you can only tell the same, "I got drunk on Dom and fucked this hottie" story so many times before it gets annoying. That summer I experienced every random sex situation that a 20 year old can imagine: fucking on the beach, getting head from random girls in club bathrooms, sleeping with 3 different girls in a day, getting so drunk I passed out during sex, getting arrested for receiving fellatio in the pool at the Delano, blah, blah, blah...Jesus. What does it say about how fucked up my life is that I don't consider these stories to be extraordinary anymore?
> 
> 
> ...




When I said tell a story, I meant a real story and not some made up fantasy tale. You sit there and take the time to write up some long winded bogus bull-shit story?

:tightlife 


YOU ARE A HUGE FAGGOT!!!!!

Now someone tell a real shit your pants story and not some lame bullshit like this idiot.


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## AKIRA (Apr 12, 2010)

I saw that MyKs was too long and just didnt read it.


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## KelJu (Apr 12, 2010)

I just farted, and I think I pooped a little.


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## MyK (Apr 12, 2010)

bigdog118 said:


> When I said tell a story, I meant a real story and not some made up fantasy tale. You sit there and take the time to write up some long winded bogus bull-shit story?
> 
> :tightlife
> 
> ...


 
you call me a faggot, yet you want other men to write you stories about shitting their pants so that you can read them while you LHJO!!

you are the gayest person on the internet!


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## Tesla (Apr 12, 2010)




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## MyK (Apr 12, 2010)

bigdog118 said:


> hey guys,
> 
> check out me and my dad!!
> 
> me and my dad!


 



GAY!!!!


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## irontime (Apr 12, 2010)

bigdog118 said:


> I run down that way,  throw open the emergency exit door, and try to get my shorts down and  squat on the landing of the stairwell. But it was too late. I sprayed  diarrhea all over the landing, inside and outside of my shorts, shoes,  fucking EVERYWHERE.


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## ectomorph141 (Apr 12, 2010)

Great story bigdog.  That must have sucked bad. So embarrasing. 

I was around 21 years old.   Just got laid off from work and decided to party with friends. I drank well over a fifth and a bunch more crap.  Decided to drive home.   Ended up getting busted and thrown into the cop car.  While in the cop car I had to pee really really bad. I told the cop he needed to stop or I would piss myself.   He thought I was bluffing so needless to say I pissed all over the cop car while yelling "ahhhhhhhhhhh" right in the cops ear.  Its all in the police report too.


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## jcar1016 (Apr 12, 2010)

I remember i was like 22 and had gotten really sick could hardly breathe. I was in the hospital for like 3-4 days and finally got released. They sent me home with some antibiotics and a HUGE bottle of ViQu-tuss. My ex-wife (wife) at the time said the doctor told her to have me go easy on it since it had hydrocodone in it. So I get home the first night and I still feel like shit and really just wanna sleep. I decided that if I were to just chug the ViQu-tuss I would sleep like a baby. So I chuged it and not very long after I'm out. I wake up like 3pm the next day soaking wet and my ex-wife is nowhere to be found. I go out to the living room and there she is looking like she was gonna kill me. So I ask whats wrong(bad idea). She procedes to tell me that at around 1:30am I just stood straight up on the bed and pissed all over her. I then left the room went in the kitchen and made a bowl of cereal came back in the bedroom and got dressed for work(the whole time shes yelling and screaming at me). After getting dressed I went outside got in the back of our car and shit in the back seat. I then went next dor started pounding on the neighbors door(around2:15am now) and yelling that "his punk ass needs to come out and mow the fucking grass RIGHT NOW" I guess I must have been done then cause I went back inside laid down in my own piss and slept till the next afternoon. I dont remember any of that just what I been told and my experiance cleaning up the mess. My ex-wife divorced me shortly after that(still not sure why). 

Good times...Good times.


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## ectomorph141 (Apr 12, 2010)

^      I finally get to use that showers icon.


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## Third-Eye-Brown (Apr 12, 2010)

a long time ago when I was really young my mother dropped me off at the babysitter's house and I needed to take a shit bad and there was only one bathroom that just so happened to be occupied by the babysitter's boyfriend.. Not only did he arse fuck her all the time, but very frequently did he use up all the hot water. to fast forward a bit, he was in there for ever and I shit my pants. I didn't want anyone to notice so I went in the kitchen and threw the poop that was running down my legs into the Sink and hid it behind all the dirty dishes. 

I ran into that babysitter about a year later and she asked me, "did you shit in my sink?" How the fuck do you answer that kinda question huh? I'm like, "no you fugly cock sucker!"   I didn't actually say that to her, but I can only remember denying that... Who'd admit to shittin in someone's sink?? fucking moron..

I think that was the only time. That wasn't as funny as the day I ran away from the retard school. Now that was pretty cool.

Anyhow, peace out all you Hamster Hung pussys


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## GearsMcGilf (Apr 12, 2010)

One time I took a shit and it looked just like bigdog118.  I didn't know what to do.  I mean, how do you break this kinda news to someone??


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## MyK (Apr 12, 2010)

GearsMcGilf said:


> One time I took a shit and it looked just like bigdog118. I didn't know what to do. I mean, how do you break this kinda news to someone??


 
you should of given it to his mother. she likes to eat shit everyday....

that and take it up the ass by horses!


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## mooch2321 (Apr 12, 2010)

MyK 3.0 said:


> I spent the summer between my 2nd and 3rd year of college suckling on the parental teat in South Florida. It was the absolute prime of my "do anything to get laid" phase. I was recently freed from a 4-year long-distance relationship that began in high school and I wanted nothing more than to have sex with as many girls as possible.
> Most of the things I did that summer are not story-worthy; you can only tell the same, "I got drunk on Dom and fucked this hottie" story so many times before it gets annoying. That summer I experienced every random sex situation that a 20 year old can imagine: fucking on the beach, getting head from random girls in club bathrooms, sleeping with 3 different girls in a day, getting so drunk I passed out during sex, getting arrested for receiving fellatio in the pool at the Delano, blah, blah, blah...Jesus. What does it say about how fucked up my life is that I don't consider these stories to be extraordinary anymore?
> 
> 
> ...


 
This is Tucker Max and you should give credit where credit is due instead of trying to play it off like this is you.  This man is one of the funniest people on the planet...you sir are not.



bigdog118 said:


> When I said tell a story, I meant a real story and not some made up fantasy tale. You sit there and take the time to write up some long winded bogus bull-shit story?
> 
> :tightlife
> 
> ...


 

And you sir are an absolute idiot if you dont recognize true brilliance when you see it.  Plus, if you are honestly too stupid to find a bathroom in a mall then you deserve to shit yourself.

Dont fuck with Tucker Max


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## MyK (Apr 12, 2010)

*mooch2321* 
Registered User

Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: somewhere....over the rainbow *<------- bahaha!!!* 
Gender: 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




 Posts: 65 


















































Reputation: *1680434*



*you're gay!*


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## mooch2321 (Apr 12, 2010)

bro, your location is canada....you have absolutely NO room to talk about being gay.


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## MyK (Apr 12, 2010)




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## MyK (Apr 12, 2010)




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## bigdog118 (Apr 12, 2010)

mooch2321 said:


> This is Tucker Max and you should give credit where credit is due instead of trying to play it off like this is you.  This man is one of the funniest people on the planet...you sir are not.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I don't care who wrote it, but its easy to see that the story was completely made up. If you believe it than you are in some sort of internet haze and will surely believe anything. That or just dumber than a sack of wet noodles.


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## jmorrison (Apr 12, 2010)

Uhhh.  Tuckers stories are generally regarded as true.  He even has videos to back some of his shit up.  He has written a very successful book about his adventures, and last I heard HBO was talking about documenting his college life.

Why criticize?  Because it is funnier than your story?  Or because it is about fucking a hot chick, instead of the cow that went and got you clothes after you shit yourself?


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## theCaptn' (Apr 12, 2010)

I ain't got time right now to read all this homo-erotic trash. I'll come back later and throw in a healthy dose of fag bashing . . esp. at the Canadians . . everyone knows their dirty secrets


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## irontime (Apr 12, 2010)

mooch2321 said:


> bro, your location is canada....you have absolutely NO room to talk about being gay.



Don't make me stick my dick in your ass.


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## bigdog118 (Apr 12, 2010)

jmorrison said:


> Uhhh.  Tuckers stories are generally regarded as true.  He even has videos to back some of his shit up.  He has written a very successful book about his adventures, and last I heard HBO was talking about documenting his college life.
> 
> Why criticize?  Because it is funnier than your story?  Or because it is about fucking a hot chick, instead of the cow that went and got you clothes after you shit yourself?



[ ] Story was True

[ ] Story was Funnier

[ ] I actually read the whole story

[x] You obv. believe everything you read on the internet and probably also believe in a flying spaghetti monster


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## jmorrison (Apr 12, 2010)

I am not only a believer in the SPM, I am a leader in the Church.

And there is a video out there of Tucker smacking (I think) Miss America, or Universe, or some crazy hot shit on the ass, and telling her to get him a drink because it was "man time".  And she giggled and said "ok!".  

The man pulled ass you shouldn't even LHJO to.  Stick to the fatties.  And shitting yourself.


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