# Remembering Erik



## adrien_j9 (Sep 21, 2004)

I don't know how many of you interacted with Erik online, but for those of you who did, he was murdered on Saturday.  He was perfect, he was my angel, and because of me he is dead.  Whomever is in charge of the accounts on this site, please do not erase him, it's one of the very few things I have left of him.  He was better than anyone on this planet and now he's gone.

I come from a small farm town in the middle of nowhere.  Death has never reached me.  Never.  We went to a party that he didn't want to go to, only went because it was "important" to me.

Watch every word you say to  the people you love.  Watch every little temper tantrum you throw, you just may get your wish and more.

Erik had two boys who are now fatherless.  I wish this would kill me


----------



## JLB001 (Sep 21, 2004)




----------



## adrien_j9 (Sep 21, 2004)

Erik, the adorable man with the goofy crown in his picture was murdered Saturday night.  Look him up in the membership registry.  Please.  He was my world.  http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v338/adrien_j9/Erik_and_boys.jpg
Please look at him.  Please


----------



## bulletproof1 (Sep 21, 2004)

is he the 1 from michigan?


----------



## madden player (Sep 21, 2004)

That is horrible..My thoughts and prayers go out to all who where affected by this awful tragedy.

He will be missed here..His posts were always a fav of mine..


----------



## bulletproof1 (Sep 21, 2004)

anyways, if its the guy im thinking of from michigan, god is my witness, i was at work last night and he crossed my mind. ive never talked to him or anything so why i was thinking about him im not sure. thats weird.


----------



## madden player (Sep 21, 2004)

Yeah he was the family man from Michigan.


----------



## JLB001 (Sep 21, 2004)

Sorry to hear of the lose.  I never chatted with him.


----------



## bulletproof1 (Sep 21, 2004)

madden player said:
			
		

> That is horrible..My thoughts and prayers go out to all who where affected by this awful tragedy.
> 
> He will be missed here..His posts were always a fav of mine..



well said madden


----------



## SPIKE1257 (Sep 21, 2004)

I remember having a discussion about bad backs with Eric in dalila's thread about her slipped disc. He seemed like a nice guy. I'm sorry to hear of his passing.


----------



## Minotaur (Sep 21, 2004)

adrien_j9 said:
			
		

> Erik, the adorable man with the goofy crown in his picture



He's the guy who got fired for saying something smartass to his overweight supervisor.  Now I remember him.

This is a real shame, sorry to hear it.


----------



## bandaidwoman (Sep 21, 2004)

how gut wrenchingly sad, so sorry about the new, i have seen some of his posts


----------



## BoneCrusher (Sep 21, 2004)

I am not able to say how I feel.  Death is my enemy.  My mother and both of my brothers died way too young ... in their 20's and 30's.  I was powerless to stop it.  My heart is with you.  Please try to live through this.


----------



## Vieope (Sep 21, 2004)

_That is so sad.   
I really liked his posts, he was very nice guy. Why was he killed? 
Btw, how about moving to the Openchat? Some of his friends here might get a better chance of seen this thread there. _


----------



## Jodi (Sep 21, 2004)

Sorry to hear of this loss. 

What was his username?


----------



## BabsieGirl (Sep 21, 2004)

Aw, Adrien - I'm sorry to learn this.  My prayers go out to you and his family.

How did this happen?


----------



## BabsieGirl (Sep 21, 2004)

Minotaur said:
			
		

> He's the guy who got fired for saying something smartass to his overweight supervisor.  Now I remember him.
> 
> This is a real shame, sorry to hear it.




http://www.ironmagazineforums.com/showthread.php?t=35233&highlight=Erik


----------



## Spitfire (Sep 21, 2004)

'Don't take me seriously'
You should take that off your avi, Its misleading.
Give his family my best wishes.
Take care


----------



## Var (Sep 21, 2004)

Is this for real???


----------



## BabsieGirl (Sep 21, 2004)

If it is....what a shame!!!


----------



## Var (Sep 21, 2004)

I've read lots of his posts before.  Seemed like a good guy.  I'd like to hear more about why/how this happened...just not sure its legit.


----------



## BabsieGirl (Sep 21, 2004)

*Link*

  

She's telling the truth

http://www.mlive.com/news/grpress/index.ssf?/base/news-1/1095777980147870.xml


----------



## BabsieGirl (Sep 21, 2004)

adrien_j9 said:
			
		

> Erik had two boys who are now fatherless.



He was also married


----------



## Var (Sep 21, 2004)

Sorry for being so skeptical.  Thats really sad news


----------



## Dale Mabry (Sep 21, 2004)

That sucks, he was a good guy, at least that is what I got from his posts.


----------



## greekblondechic (Sep 21, 2004)

I am so sorry


----------



## slick4788 (Sep 21, 2004)

Oh so sorry to hear that  .


----------



## maniclion (Sep 21, 2004)

I had to knock out friends a couple times to keep them from driving drunk, looks like this instance took a turn for the worse, but it's not the worse that could have happened he could have gotten in the car and killed a family and survived.  Whatever you do Melissa don't hold yourself responsible it sounds like it was more of an accident.


----------



## Tank316 (Sep 21, 2004)

what a shame, thoughts and prayers!


----------



## PreMier (Sep 21, 2004)

BabsieGirl said:
			
		

> http://www.ironmagazineforums.com/showthread.php?t=35233&highlight=Erik




This is really fucked up.  I was really down at first, but then I read this report.  Its still sad, but he sounded out of control.

My wishes go to his family


----------



## oaktownboy (Sep 21, 2004)

Var said:
			
		

> Is this for real???


lol that's what i was thinkin


----------



## BoneCrusher (Sep 21, 2004)

oaktownboy said:
			
		

> lol that's what i was thinkin


It's real OTB ... fucked up kinda real.
Check it out.


----------



## Arith (Sep 22, 2004)

According to the article he got drunk and then went after a few people with a tire iron when they tryed to get to him to not drive drunk.  He hit two people with the tire iron before someone struck him in the head with a flashlight to get him to stop.  Its sad that something like this had to happen but he wasnt murdered, he was ATTACKING people with a fricken tire iron.


----------



## pmech (Sep 22, 2004)

Discuss the actions in another thread. Leave this one alone for remembering the guy everyone here knew.


----------



## adrien_j9 (Sep 22, 2004)

Thanks for your thoughts and prayers.  I was there the night it happened.  I laid on his body to stop people from beating on him.  The paper doesn't paint an accurate description.  I will give more detail soon for anyone who wants to know...


----------



## MaxMirkin (Sep 22, 2004)

Sorry to hear this, he seemed like a really nice guy.  I wish all the best to his family.


----------



## adrien_j9 (Sep 22, 2004)

Arith said:
			
		

> According to the article he got drunk and then went after a few people with a tire iron when they tryed to get to him to not drive drunk.  He hit two people with the tire iron before someone struck him in the head with a flashlight to get him to stop.  Its sad that something like this had to happen but he wasnt murdered, he was ATTACKING people with a fricken tire iron.



You worthless piece of shit.  HOW DARE YOU SPEAK OF THE DEAD THAT WAY.  I don't recall your being there.  Am I incorrect?  Were you there?  You bastard!  YOU weren't the one on the ground being kicked and punched while breathing your last breaths were you?  You weren't there when someone shot off a f***ing gun were you?  You didn't serve your country and learn to kill or be killed at the sound of a gun did you?  I HATE YOU!  He was better than anyone on this planet and now he's dead.  YOU don't know the circumstances of that night, do you?  You must be one of those retards that believes everything the news reports.  I hope you rot you worthless piece of shit.


----------



## JLB001 (Sep 22, 2004)

Someone needs to calm down alot.  Just because someone reads an article in the paper about the events that happened doesn't give you the right to blast them.  They only understand what they read and what is in print.

Oh...and before you go and blast me for saying what I have...think about this...

I have killed someone before.  In a head on collision by hydroplanning into them.   You need to seek out consuling pretty quick before you loose grip on the world...

Just my .02


----------



## Arnold (Sep 22, 2004)

I am also sorry to hear of your loss.


----------



## adrien_j9 (Sep 22, 2004)

Erik was.......there aren't words to describe how wonderful he was.  Everyday people make mistakes and you may be thinking that hitting him hard enough to kill him was a mistake, but remember I was there, it was more than a mistake, it WAS murder.  I attacked everyone I could at all angles to get them away from his LIFELESS body, but they wouldn't stop.  What finished the beating?  Me lying on top of him catching all the blows until the police arrived.  Now tell me, is that justified?  They had me out of the car, they had the keys to his Jeep, but they wanted their macho urges fed.  He's dead and his cheating, lying wife is at his funeral right now with her boyfriend at her side.  I love him unconditionally and I'm to be arrested on the spot if I show my face there.  Is that enough reason for rage?


----------



## Vieope (Sep 22, 2004)

_It is not theraphy but you can say pretty much what you want here, go ahead and write you want. I would look for theraphy later like *JLB* mentioned. I am not sure I could handle such situation, my life is pretty much like yours was, I actually never saw someone dead. 
The media always have a way to make things look better than they should. Why they want to arrest you anyway? _


----------



## JLB001 (Sep 22, 2004)

adrien_j9 said:
			
		

> Erik was.......there aren't words to describe how wonderful he was.  Everyday people make mistakes and you may be thinking that hitting him hard enough to kill him was a mistake, but remember I was there, it was more than a mistake, it WAS murder.  I attacked everyone I could at all angles to get them away from his LIFELESS body, but they wouldn't stop.  What finished the beating?  Me lying on top of him catching all the blows until the police arrived.  Now tell me, is that justified?  They had me out of the car, they had the keys to his Jeep, but they wanted their macho urges fed.  He's dead and his cheating, lying wife is at his funeral right now with her boyfriend at her side.  I love him unconditionally and I'm to be arrested on the spot if I show my face there.  Is that enough reason for rage?


I am truly sorry you are going through so much.  I can see the pain in the words you write.  Life at times isn't always fair.  Hang in there.


----------



## camarosuper6 (Sep 22, 2004)

Wow.

If this is legit, I am truly sorry for your loss. His posts always cracked me up, he seemed like a real nice guy with a great sense of humor.

My prayers go out to his family/friends.


----------



## shellspeare (Sep 22, 2004)

god bless xx


----------



## Martinogdenbsx (Sep 22, 2004)

what actually happened then in your words,something needs to be done if what you say is what happened

Sorry for your loss

Chris


----------



## busyLivin (Sep 22, 2004)

man.. sad story.  hate to hear this kind of thing.   my prayers are with you.


----------



## Mudge (Sep 22, 2004)

I can't imagine the pain of losing someone close like this, but I have been stinking drunk and never done anything like that.

I hope everyone copes as best they can.


----------



## Mudge (Sep 22, 2004)

adrien_j9 said:
			
		

> The paper doesn't paint an accurate description.



I would be right pissed - another media fuck up? Hmm


----------



## myCATpowerlifts (Sep 22, 2004)

I also talked to this guy some...not a whole lot, but he seemed nice

I hope everything gets straightened up


----------



## david (Sep 22, 2004)

Sorry to hear about all of this, Adrien_j9... sad and misforutnate.


----------



## Neutron (Sep 22, 2004)

I tried to imagine, how hard it was to Adrein. 
Few days I used to look at this topic thinking someone is making fun.. but today when I opened it, I found out the really really sad matter.  
Is there anyone who stays atleast closer to Adreins town? Please visit her and be with her for some time.
Good wishes and peace, 
                                 Kenton.


----------



## busyLivin (Sep 23, 2004)

i was listening to the chicago news this morning on my way to work & I was suprised, but they were talking about this story.  Sad, very unfortunate.


----------



## BabsieGirl (Sep 23, 2004)

HI Adrien - If the paper is incorrect, you can contact them and get the story straight - along with a letter of apology.  I've seen this done.

You have gone through so much and now this.  I'm so very sorry   I know it's hard but I agree with JLB, you need to seek counseling or like V said - write your feelings on paper (or here if it helps.)  Think of happy times.  Because Erik isn't here physically, doesn't mean he's not here with you spiritually.  Hang in there!!

I don't live too far away from you, so if you want to meet - lets make a date 

The person living in Indiana - you're not too far either.


----------



## Big Smoothy (Sep 23, 2004)

I am sorry about this.  I remember many of his posts.

I hate to ask but, but what happened?


----------



## BulkMeUp (Sep 23, 2004)

Very sad.


----------



## Flex (Sep 23, 2004)

Adrien- sorry about your loss.

if what you say happened really did happen, then you NEED to go to teh police.

on another topics.....excuse me if i'm wrong, but wasn't it a wedding party or something?


----------



## Jo-Anna (Sep 23, 2004)

I had that same reaction.  I thought that he went after the others with the tire iron, no?


----------



## madden player (Sep 23, 2004)

We weren't there..it is probablly best to let him RIP..You can't believe that the newspaper article was exactly what happened..

Eric I am sure you are still in most peoples thoughts and prayers here.  He was also a veteran and his family/and everyone of us should be proud that we have men like Erik.


----------



## Jo-Anna (Sep 23, 2004)

Adrien, I'm very sorry for your loss and I pray GOD will give you peace while you go through this dificult time.  Seek Him out, He will guide you.

After reading more of this thread it sounds like there will be a lot of hardship to come, but you can always come here to vent and put your thoughts on paper so-to-speak.  We will read them and maybe even come up with some good coping measures.

God Bless you


----------



## adrien_j9 (Sep 23, 2004)

busyLivin said:
			
		

> i was listening to the chicago news this morning on my way to work & I was suprised, but they were talking about this story.  Sad, very unfortunate.


It was in Chicago?  Were they mean about him?  Please tell me everything you can remember.  I have nothing left.


----------



## adrien_j9 (Sep 23, 2004)

Today is the funeral that MY pastor is giving.  It'll be at my parents house, where he died.  The police came to me this morning and took everything of his that I had.  His WIFE needed it.  Erik was estranged from his wife for almost a year, of course that's not in the paper.  He never spoke ill of her, and would be silent while she raged at him.  I could hear her from every room of my house.  He just wanted happiness and peace.  He'd been taken down with shrapnel from a grenade, shot several times, and stabbed a few times, all in the "line of duty."  He wanted loved and quiet, and laughter.  I had that with him and now he's gone.  The wedding?  It was MY daughter's father and soon to be bride's bachelor/bachelorette party.  He went with me because this weekend (the weekend of the wedding) he had his boys and children weren't allowed.  He'd counted down the days he had left w/ his sons and he didn't want to give them up for anything.  That's why he was there.  Yes he was weilding a tire iron and people did get hurt.  I was sick, too much to drink, and he wanted to take me home.  I was too ill to notice that he'd had too much to drink also.  People didn't want him to drive.  Everyone cornered him, shouting.  They pulled me out of the Jeep and grabbed his keys while he was outside the door.  My ex, the groom tried to pin him against his Jeep to talk to him.  Erik was insecure about DJ and I believe that started it.  HE NEVER EVER tried to change my relationship w/ DJ, he just wanted to be the brighter star in my eyes.  My parents love DJ and that also made Erik insecure.  So you see,  what started it was me.  Then some lunatic shot off a shotgun right directly next to us and Erik snapped.  He wasn't him.  His eyes were dead, and he meant to kill.  People here think it's because of his war time.  They think he snapped, quite like veterans do when they hear fireworks.  I tried to stop him, and everyone else, but it didn't work.  I spun and kicked the guy who was kicking Erik (I knocked him out, thank you very much) punched some other guy in the face (though I thought he was a girl) and then laid on top of Erik so they wouldn't hurt him.  
Erik was a theologist.  War and fighting -DEATH sickened him.  I'm to go to the police station tomorrow morning.


----------



## busyLivin (Sep 23, 2004)

adrien_j9 said:
			
		

> It was in Chicago?  Were they mean about him?  Please tell me everything you can remember.  I have nothing left.



It was just a news brief during a morning show i listen to (eric & kathy, for locals).  Only lasted about 15 seconds.  Said basically what the previously linked story said. Friends trying to take erik's (last name)  keys and after a drunken brawl, he died.


----------



## Martinogdenbsx (Sep 23, 2004)

oh my god can't believe that happened
Erik will be remembered by me and i didn't even know him

Chris


----------



## Mudge (Sep 23, 2004)

madden player said:
			
		

> We weren't there..it is probablly best to let him RIP..



True, I came to this conclusion as well. This isn't a court.

Whatever the TRUTH is though, I hope it comes clear, because a printed lie or any lie is an injustice to someones good name.


----------



## Mudge (Sep 23, 2004)

adrien_j9 said:
			
		

> They think he snapped, quite like veterans do when they hear fireworks.



Its a sad thing that war does to some people. A local history teacher when a book dropped one day, started raving about dropping to the ground and taking cover, and then went off into incomprehensible speech.


----------



## Arith (Sep 23, 2004)

adrien_j9 said:
			
		

> You worthless piece of shit.  HOW DARE YOU SPEAK OF THE DEAD THAT WAY.  I don't recall your being there.  Am I incorrect?  Were you there?  You bastard!  YOU weren't the one on the ground being kicked and punched while breathing your last breaths were you?  You weren't there when someone shot off a f***ing gun were you?  You didn't serve your country and learn to kill or be killed at the sound of a gun did you?  I HATE YOU!  He was better than anyone on this planet and now he's dead.  YOU don't know the circumstances of that night, do you?  You must be one of those retards that believes everything the news reports.  I hope you rot you worthless piece of shit.



Speak of the dead what way?  I said nothing dirogitory what so ever and said i was sorry for your loss so chill out.  It sucks that this happened to him and im sure he didnt deserve to die but you yourself stated he meant to kill when he started wielding the tire iron against people who did not want him to drive drunk.  Why post this on a public forum if you dont want responses?  Just curious, why wasnt anyone arrested?  Im going by what i heard on the radio today and the article, its not murder if its self defense and he did put several people in the hospital with that tire iron, including one with severe facial injuries.  Im sorry for your loss and i hope you get the help you need to get through this but dont take it out on me.


----------



## naturaltan (Sep 23, 2004)

Sorry for your loss

god bless ...


----------



## adrien_j9 (Sep 23, 2004)

bulletproof1 said:
			
		

> anyways, if its the guy im thinking of from michigan, god is my witness, i was at work last night and he crossed my mind. ive never talked to him or anything so why i was thinking about him im not sure. thats weird.


What was it you were thinking?  It's a good feeling to read this.  Thank you.


----------



## Pepper (Sep 23, 2004)

Arith, I think the thing you need to learn is that there is a time to speak the truth and there is a time to just express sympathy.


----------



## Arnold (Sep 23, 2004)

Arith said:
			
		

> Speak of the dead what way?  I said nothing dirogitory what so ever and said i was sorry for your loss so chill out.  It sucks that this happened to him and im sure he didnt deserve to die but you yourself stated he meant to kill when he started wielding the tire iron against people who did not want him to drive drunk.  Why post this on a public forum if you dont want responses?  Just curious, why wasnt anyone arrested?  Im going by what i heard on the radio today and the article, its not murder if its self defense and he did put several people in the hospital with that tire iron, including one with severe facial injuries.  Im sorry for your loss and i hope you get the help you need to get through this but dont take it out on me.



If he had been at war that combined with the alcohol who knows what might have been going thru his mind, he may have been experiencing some flash backs thinking these people were trying to kill him or something.


----------



## Arith (Sep 23, 2004)

Pepper, very good point.  Im a cop and some of the things she said didnt sit well with me after reading the article and watching the news, I should have kept my opinion to myself.  Its never good when someone dies young, no matter the circumstances and i wish his family well.


----------



## Big Smoothy (Sep 23, 2004)

I don't like to ask or bring this up, BUT....

When I click the link to the newspaper article on "mlive," it doesn work.

What happened?  Sorry for asking again, but I don't know what the circumstances were.


----------



## Mudge (Sep 23, 2004)

Arith said:
			
		

> Its never good when someone dies young, no matter the circumstances and i wish his family well.



Agreed, even when people have wasted their own life it is not pleasant to watch.

Rest in peace and best wishes to those in this rough hour.


----------



## bulletproof1 (Sep 24, 2004)

adrien_j9 said:
			
		

> What was it you were thinking?  It's a good feeling to read this.  Thank you.



*why* he popped in my mind i am not sure but i was thinking that i had not seen any posts from him in a while.


----------



## RexStunnahH (Sep 24, 2004)

My condolences.


----------



## Big Smoothy (Sep 24, 2004)

Look,

I asked a question.  What the f*ck happened.

Thanks in advance!  Answer my fuggin' question.


----------



## MaxMirkin (Sep 24, 2004)

Mr_Snafu said:
			
		

> Look,
> 
> I asked a question.  What the f*ck happened.
> 
> Thanks in advance!  Answer my fuggin' question.


Here's what the article said:


> Belding man dies after being hit on head in scuffle at party
> Tuesday, September 21, 2004
> By Barton Deiters
> The Grand Rapids Press
> ...


----------



## Neutron (Sep 24, 2004)

BabsieGirl said:
			
		

> HI Adrien - If the paper is incorrect, you can contact them and get the story straight - along with a letter of apology.  I've seen this done.
> 
> You have gone through so much and now this.  I'm so very sorry   I know it's hard but I agree with JLB, you need to seek counseling or like V said - write your feelings on paper (or here if it helps.)  Think of happy times.  Because Erik isn't here physically, doesn't mean he's not here with you spiritually.  Hang in there!!
> 
> ...



_Well BabsieGirl very sorry  , I am not at all near to her.   ... What can I say? 
good wishes._
_
Good wishes for Adrein with hopes that everyting goes well to the police station and media, and strength for her to present the truth._


----------



## gr81 (Sep 24, 2004)

didn't know him but RIP and good luck


----------



## Big Smoothy (Sep 25, 2004)

MAXMIRKIN, Thank you so much.

This is a terrible thing that happened.  My condolescences to family and friends.


----------



## adrien_j9 (Sep 26, 2004)

Mr_Snafu said:
			
		

> Look,
> 
> I asked a question.  What the f*ck happened.
> 
> Thanks in advance!  Answer my fuggin' question.



I'm so glad I'll never meet you.


----------



## BoneCrusher (Sep 26, 2004)

Arith said:
			
		

> Speak of the dead what way? I said nothing dirogitory what so ever and said i was sorry for your loss so chill out. It sucks that this happened to him and im sure he didnt deserve to die but you yourself stated he meant to kill when he started wielding the tire iron against people who did not want him to drive drunk. Why post this on a public forum if you dont want responses? Just curious, why wasnt anyone arrested? Im going by what i heard on the radio today and the article, its not murder if its self defense and he did put several people in the hospital with that tire iron, including one with severe facial injuries. Im sorry for your loss and i hope you get the help you need to get through this but dont take it out on me.


Man STFU ... step off ... and let this person experience her grief. Your opinions have no place here. Either do the human thing and be respectful or find another thread to post in.


----------



## bulletproof1 (Sep 26, 2004)

BoneCrusher said:
			
		

> Man STFU ... step off ... and let this person experience her grief. Your opinions have no place here. Either do the human thing and be respectful or find another thread to post in.



word ..... all it takes is a little common sense.


----------



## firestorm (Sep 26, 2004)

Damn, all I know is that even in a grieving thread, the shit has to hit the fan and some sort of debate must occur.  Such a shame.
I'm sad for this poor guy. Even though I don't remember his posts or him for that matter, he was a member here and for that I feel that we the members lost a member of our family.  We lost one of our people here and that is sad regardless of the situation.   The fact that this individual was also a defender of our Country makes it even worse.  The fact that he was wounded in action on multiple instances tops it even more.  The fact he had children and people that loved him makes it even a sadder situation.  The fact he died the way he did, is not the way a warrior is supposed to die and that makes it devistating to me.  I don't give a shit that he swung a tire iron at people.  Some fuqing moron fired a GUN!!  You fire a gun at or NEAR anyone of us,, expecially if we're under the influence of alchol we will retaliate out of self defense expecially if you were "trained" to do so.  It's an immediate response. Not thought out, it's instinct of survival.  Anyone that has ever lived through a combat situation or numerous combat situations are NEVER the same person afterwards and that is not a BAD thing.  Your more observant to your surroundings, and your quicker to respond to gun shots or assaults.  Now this may be the case in regards to this fella Or he may have been suffering from post traumatic stress disorder,  I do not know but either way,  I would have been standing by his side to help him not kick him.  Sounds like he was somewhat outmanned, don't understand why the pussies didn't just gang tackle him or after seeing the crowbar just let him leave and call the police.  They did not have the right to take the law into their own hands.  They made the attempt to stop him, failed, so should have called the cops if they cared that much.  
Just my opinion of course.


----------



## cjrmack (Sep 26, 2004)

Please do not hold yourself responsible. You cannot bear the burden for the someone elses actions.


----------



## adrien_j9 (Sep 26, 2004)

...They did not have the right to take the law into their own hands.  They made the attempt to stop him, failed, so should have called the cops if they cared that much.  
Just my opinion of course.[/QUOTE]

From the very bottom of my heart, thank you.  Thank you, thank you.



To everyone who has posted thoughtful, heartfelt comments in this thread, thank you to all of you.  I have family, and they are on my side, but every single person who doesn't blame me and hate me helps me.  I wish people like you would have been there.  He'd still be alive.  Thanks to all, I love you all.


----------



## firestorm (Sep 26, 2004)

Well the "majority" of us here actually "care" about one another.  We all have health and fitness in common and that is a bond. We come here and share real life experiences with one another, both good and bad and try to be here for one another.  In my eyes that sounds like a family.  Then of course ya always have that "black sheep of the family" so we tend to IGNORE them.  We do care about you and hope you get through this ok.  Someone once said that "time heals all"  I'm not sure how accurate that really is but I can say that over time, the feelings your feeling now will subside. You'll keep your memories and be grateful they were good memories.  He was a good person and you have a life time of memories to look back on.  Lastly, please don't blame yourself.  I've read it all and in no way is any of this your fault.  You didn't swing a crowbar, you didn't shoot off a gun, and you certainly didn't kick someone while they were down. You put yourself in harms way and covered him with your body. That is a hero where I come from.  I salute you.


----------



## BoneCrusher (Sep 26, 2004)

firestorm said:
			
		

> You put yourself in harms way and covered him with your body. That is a hero where I come from. I salute you.


This is what stands out about you to me through this ... a man can only wish for a woman that is that dedicated to him.  Eric did well to pick you for his woman.


----------



## supertech (Sep 26, 2004)

Rip


----------



## adrien_j9 (Sep 26, 2004)

I am no hero.  If anything, I'm a failure.  I'm a black belt in Tae Kwon Do.  Did I use any technique to stop the incident?  Did I use technique to bring him down myself?  No.  I ran around like a drunken moron, uselessly.  There are so many leg sweeps...  instead I behaved as all other women there, crying and screaming.  I couldn't stand the sounds of what was happening so I laid on him hoping it would make them stop.  The bruises I have are from them, not from him.  
One news article said he hit me ("his girlfriend") with the tire iron.  The very next paragraph speaks of his wife.  They portray him as a cheater - he was separated from his wife for 9 months! He had his own place!!  He'd stayed married with her for noble and sensible reasons.  It makes me sick the way the incident is portrayed I can't express how wonderful he was.  Please don't confuse me with the hero, HE was the hero in every sense of the word.
This is one of very few places that I can speak about him, one of very few places that I find comfort.  Thanks again.


----------



## firestorm (Sep 26, 2004)

adrien_j9 said:
			
		

> I am no hero.  If anything, I'm a failure.  I'm a black belt in Tae Kwon Do.  Did I use any technique to stop the incident?  Did I use technique to bring him down myself?  No.  I ran around like a drunken moron, uselessly.  There are so many leg sweeps...  instead I behaved as all other women there, crying and screaming.  I couldn't stand the sounds of what was happening so I laid on him hoping it would make them stop.  The bruises I have are from them, not from him.
> 
> If I'm not mistaken I believe you laid the smackdown on a few of them. Blackbelt or not you were only one person.  You did much better with a hotile crowd then most men I know.  Secondly you were at a party and you were drinking. drunk.  Now I've been involved in the Martial arts as well since I was 8 years old.  I hold black belts in 5 different styles of the martial arts and even instructed several law enforcement agencies, military teams as well as the NJState Police, and the FBI Newark based Organized Crime Unit and I doubt I would have done much better if I were loaded. I certainly know leg sweeps would have been out of the question.  Sweetie, there was little you could do expecially under all those circumstances. Alcohol blurs your abilities in every way. Seriously you did more then most could have or would have.
> Shit If it were me, in that position, my wife would have run in the house and called the police and by then it would have been too late.  You did the heroic thing and should be proud of yourself.
> ...



Well you can do your part now and contact the newspaper that wrote the article and make the truth be known.  That is how you can come to cope with this.  Clear his name.


----------



## adrien_j9 (Sep 26, 2004)

Thank you for your words.  It's humiliating to think hero was used to describe me.  That is the very last thing I expected to hear from anyone and was NOT my intent.  Mine was the last voice he heard.  I was whispering in his ear before he lost consciousness.  I don't regret a word I said and am thankful (every second) for that.

Now's the question...how do his children move on?  How do I move on?  Any miracle pills out there?


----------



## Martinogdenbsx (Sep 26, 2004)

RIP erik you will be missed

At least he got one of the evil bastards just a shame he was outnumbered

God rest your soul erik you won't be forgotten

Chris


----------



## firestorm (Sep 26, 2004)

adrien_j9 said:
			
		

> Thank you for your words.  It's humiliating to think hero was used to describe me.  That is the very last thing I expected to hear from anyone and was NOT my intent.  Mine was the last voice he heard.  I was whispering in his ear before he lost consciousness.  I don't regret a word I said and am thankful (every second) for that.
> 
> Now's the question...how do his children move on?  How do I move on?  Any miracle pills out there?



Again I should point out....Humiliating is not the correct verbage...you meant to say embarassing which would mean your modest.
Modesty is another trait of a hero. one who does something expecting nothing  in return.  You continue to make my argument stronger.
Have anything else to say?????


----------



## firestorm (Sep 26, 2004)

There are support groups out there kiddo for both grieving spouses/friends as well as those tailored for children.   Look under your local government offices in your yellow pages. I think you may find something there or do a search on the net under your local governement for support groups.


----------



## adrien_j9 (Sep 26, 2004)

firestorm said:
			
		

> Again I should point out....Humiliating is not the correct verbage...you meant to say embarassing which would mean your modest.
> Modesty is another trait of a hero. one who does something expecting nothing  in return.  You continue to make my argument stronger.
> Have anything else to say?????



Holy cow do I have you hood-winked!


----------



## firestorm (Sep 26, 2004)

Hey stay off my hood you'll scratch it and I don't care if your winking at me while your up there or not!!!!   give  me the ole hoodwink will ya!!  hehehehe


----------



## DeadBolt (Sep 26, 2004)

Wow this is the first time I saw the thread since my internet has been down, I'm sorry to here. He was truely a great guy and I have had plenty of convos with him.

My heart goes out to you.

What ever you may say or do it was not your fault.  This thread digs up a nasty past of mine I so wanted to forget about when I was in the same shoes you were in.  It was not easy to get over but time heals all wounds and I have not forgotten it but I have gotten stronger and strive to never let it happen again.

I really am sorry to hear about it and wish the best for you, I truely know what your going through and its never easy.  We are here for you when ever you need, please feel free to write what ever you feel if it comforts you.  I know you don't know all of us here at IM but we are all one big family...some of us closer than others...but feel free to join our family and share what you will.  We will never say no.


----------



## BoneCrusher (Sep 26, 2004)

adrien_j9 said:
			
		

> Thank you for your words. It's humiliating to think hero was used to describe me. That is the very last thing I expected to hear from anyone and was NOT my intent. Mine was the last voice he heard. I was whispering in his ear before he lost consciousness. I don't regret a word I said and am thankful (every second) for that.
> 
> Now's the question...how do his children move on? How do I move on? Any miracle pills out there?


Is this the first time you have lost someone you love so deeply?  Most people have and can offer their own personal insughts once we get the shock subdued.  Use this thread like a journal if you like.  Just know that you are not alone.  Most of us have lost  like this and can share our insights with you if you want us too.  Just know that there are people that care and will be here to share the moments with.

Moving on?  You already are by putting one day in front of the other.  There are things that could help you with this.  See your doc and follow his advice.  Come here and share that advice ... we can probably kick it around and be your sounding board if you like.


----------



## adrien_j9 (Sep 26, 2004)

Yes, this is the first time I've ever lost anyone close to me.  I feel the sun setting on my back and (as everything else) it reminds me of Erik.  I've just broken his family's rule to me and emailed his sons.  I don't know if they blame me as the rest of his family does.  It's an unbearable load that I'm failing to carry.  Now, I'll sit and wait.....and wait......and hope and pray to receive a return email.  I spent enough time with the two of them that I fell in love with them also.  
It's hard not to wallow in self pity.  I know that Erik is in a better place - he can't hate himself in Heaven - so when I cry it's really because of selfish reasons.  I'll never have anything with anyone that even mildly resembles the beauty I had with him.  There have been so many moments in each day that I wished I were with him and honestly if it weren't for my daughter and family, I'd be there.
The home my father may lose has been in our family for 50 years?.  Because of Erik dying on my father's property his family has the right to sue us, namely his estranged wife who blames me.
Erik had some valuables that they (his family) can't find and that has been tacked to my shoulders as well.  I've stolen it they say.  I feel as though I'm drowning, there's a physical pain in my chest - not mental!  Maybe I was struck in the ribs, but I don't believe so.  I've laughed since his death, at some random joke, but the pain was still there, physically.  Regardless if I cry before bed, I do not sleep.  Taking drugs hasn't changed that fact.  I'm afraid to go back to my apartment because of the memories that choke me there, but I'm petrified of someone else living there, trampling them.  I'm afraid of a future without him, afraid of everything.  I can't handle that his family blames me, that they view me as his mistress.  Everything cuts too far.  
I haven't been to his grave yet.  I don't have the strength to face it.  I die that I didn't see him buried, the pallbearers and the 21 gun salute.  The flag.  The beauty and the closure that supposedly is there.  His friends, sons, father.  I'm cut out of his life in every way.  
I'm thinking a good bout of hospitilization would do me good, what do you all think?    I am going to start counseling, appears to be Tuesdays and Thursdays.  I need to work on my optimism.  Sorry to whine.


----------



## Big Smoothy (Sep 27, 2004)

adrien_j9 said:
			
		

> I'm so glad I'll never meet you.



Why?


----------



## bulletproof1 (Sep 27, 2004)

Mr_Snafu said:
			
		

> Why?



dont be an ass man. if you have nothing constructive to say then dont say anything. put yourself in her place.


----------



## adrien_j9 (Sep 27, 2004)

Mr_Snafu said:
			
		

> Why?



Because of your post.  Why would you think?  Violence is what killed him and you ask questions violently?  How would you expect me to retaliate?  This thread is one of minimal things I have of Erik left.  I don't want nastiness or bad comments, that's all.  It's not too much to ask, is it?  Please, to anyone who wants to bad mouth Erik or I, don't do so in this thread, please.


----------



## adrien_j9 (Sep 27, 2004)

bulletproof1 said:
			
		

> dont be an ass man. if you have nothing constructive to say then dont say anything. put yourself in her place.



You seem to have become my bodyguard.  I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.  You'll never be forgotten to me.  Thank you.


----------



## Big Smoothy (Sep 27, 2004)

I did NOT say anything violent or nasty.  Please re-read my posts.  I liked Erik a lot and he helped me here.


----------



## adrien_j9 (Sep 27, 2004)

So I went to school today, for all of 15 minutes.  I cried, I left.  I've thought about adopting a puppy from the animal shelter - his name's picked out already "Ranger."  I drove all over Grand Rapids, lost in the not-so-safe part of town and cried.  I've started smoking (he would KICK MY ASS!) and it feels good.  I've lost 10 pounds of muscle in the last week alone.  Erik would say I looked terrible, he was forward that way, but never in a hurtful tone.  I see everyone around me moving on with their lives and it makes me feel a range of emotions.  Anger that they can, don't they care?  Terror of being alone with no one to talk to.  Life is supposed to continue on, but the only solstice I feel is typing at my fucking computer.  
I'm sure his cottage is empty now.  I want to go there, I've found his keys, but I am afraid.  I think I'm purposely torturing myself.  Looking at his pictures, listening to the most suicidal music known to man.  Smelling his sweatshirt that I would go to prison for before returning.  I have receipts of items we'd bought, reusable athletic tape that smells like him.  His work shirt.  I don't have family to reminisce with about him, I didn't know his friends - we were inseparable.  The boys haven't returned my email (absolutely no hard feelings whatsoever, they have it worse by leagues.)  The last thing he said to me was "only you."  I swear if hearts could have flown from his eyes, they would have.  This was before the fight.  He had such a sweet smile.


----------



## adrien_j9 (Sep 27, 2004)

Mr_Snafu said:
			
		

> Look,
> 
> I asked a question.  What the f*ck happened.
> 
> Thanks in advance!  Answer my fuggin' question.



I'm glad to know that you liked Erik, he was a wonderful man.  I've re-read this post, enough.  I'm sorry that I didn't answer your question in a timely enough manner for you to get the story.  The fact is, the whole story can't come out right now because of the lawsuits pending.  Does that answer your fuggin' question?  I don't want to alienate ANYONE who liked Erik, so please understand the harshness of your statement for me.  If I misread your quote and mistook it for too hostile, and that wasn't your intent, than I am truly sorry.


----------



## Big Smoothy (Sep 27, 2004)

This will be my last post on this thread.

I wish you all the best Adrien_j9.  We are all human beings that are connected by this forum.  Peace to you and everyone.


----------



## adrien_j9 (Sep 27, 2004)

Mr_Snafu said:
			
		

> This will be my last post on this thread.
> 
> I wish you all the best Adrien_j9.  We are all human beings that are connected by this forum.  Peace to you and everyone.



I hope I haven't offended you.  Thank you for your wishes, same to you.


----------



## Fade (Sep 27, 2004)

If there was as many people as it sounds like they should have helped your ex restrained him. The dumbass with the shotgun set him off. That would set most anyone off.

Where did get the tire iron from so quickly.

It flat out should not have gone as far as it did. It's not your fault. You need to break that kind of thinking. You're depressed enough as it is.


Sorry for your loss. It'll take time but time heals all wounds, however a scar will remain....believe me...I know.


----------



## Arnold (Sep 27, 2004)

adrien_j9 said:
			
		

> I see everyone around me moving on with their lives and it makes me feel a range of emotions.  Anger that they can, don't they care?



everyone grieves in different ways.


----------



## adrien_j9 (Sep 27, 2004)

I'm in a positive mood right now.  It's time I get out of the funk and start back at life.  I've erased all the sad, crybaby songs from my MP3 player and am downloading songs to workout to.  Rob Zombie a depression killer?  Hmmm.  I plan to hyper start my workouts now.  It's been two weeks.  I need to do a life flip-flop.  I'm soon to leave and hit the gym with fervor that I've never held.  *fingers crossed*  Erik was about life-long health.  It's time that I jump back on the band wagon.  

I can't even begin to express how helpful you all have been.  Thank you from the very depths of my heart.  I will get through this.


----------



## DeadBolt (Sep 27, 2004)

adrien_j9 said:
			
		

> I'm in a positive mood right now.  It's time I get out of the funk and start back at life.  I've erased all the sad, crybaby songs from my MP3 player and am downloading songs to workout to.  Rob Zombie a depression killer?  Hmmm.  I plan to hyper start my workouts now.  It's been two weeks.  I need to do a life flip-flop.  I'm soon to leave and hit the gym with fervor that I've never held.  *fingers crossed*  Erik was about life-long health.  It's time that I jump back on the band wagon.
> 
> I can't even begin to express how helpful you all have been.  Thank you from the very depths of my heart.  I will get through this.


   Congrats on the new found feelings!  Now get your toosh in the gym and make them muskles grow!     Join the band wagon and stick with us here,  no one ever gets put in the wrong direction here.


----------



## Muscle_Girl (Sep 27, 2004)

I am sorry for what happened, and obviously I don't know the truth. But the story is really conusing, this is how I see it:
You took your boyfriend to your exes bachelor party? How long have you been seeing Erik, and how old are you, noticed you mentioned school, not sure whether its high school or university/college. Not sure what drugs you have gotten yourself into, but thats not a pain reliever, it will come back after the buzz is gone. I have a little more to ask and say, but I need a few answers if you can please.. not prying, trying to understand a little more. I am sorry for your loss.


----------



## adrien_j9 (Sep 27, 2004)

Muscle_Girl said:
			
		

> I am sorry for what happened, and obviously I don't know the truth. But the story is really conusing, this is how I see it:
> You took your boyfriend to your exes bachelor party? How long have you been seeing Erik, and how old are you, noticed you mentioned school, not sure whether its high school or university/college. Not sure what drugs you have gotten yourself into, but thats not a pain reliever, it will come back after the buzz is gone. I have a little more to ask and say, but I need a few answers if you can please.. not prying, trying to understand a little more. I am sorry for your loss.


These are all great questions.  Hmmm, how to start.  I'm in college, too old to be so.  My ex is(was) one of my very best friends.  I was supposed to be a bridesmaid in his wedding before Erik died.  My father was also a groomsmen. We're all very close.  My father was still involved but I backed out knowing his killer was there (cousin of the bride - my daughter's step cousin now.)  The drugs I was referring to were Valium and/or Xantax, nothing illegal.  I haven't been on anything for two days now.  I wasn't with Erik nearly long enough.  7 months was all.  But it was more than enough time to recognize my soulmate.


----------



## adrien_j9 (Sep 27, 2004)

Went to the gym tonight.  Worked every damn muscle group in my body, save the forearms.  Those get worked enough in class (massage therapy.)  I'm so tired from my workout my whole body is trembling.
Tonights the first night staying at my apartment.  I am alone - part of me is glad about that - the other part is scared and very sad.  I worked after my workout (I work at the gym, cool huh?)  That went well, his memory was all around me, his locker empty but I did not cry.  This may sound psychotic, but I talk to him like he's in the room.  This will sound even more psychotic:  I believe he is in the room with me.  I refuse to believe that it's a coping mechanism.  His spirit is with everyone who knew and loved him.

http://www.legacy.com/grandrapids/Guestbook.asp?Page=Guestbook&PersonID=2633491 

This is the website for Erik's guestbook.  It's a way to communicate to the family.  Most people leave small messages: words of encouragement, sympathy...  It's a wonderful idea.  I'm a small person (not physically) and it bothers me that more words of sympathy are offered to his estranged wife and her children, than his own boys, Jake and Nick.  If anyone is interested, that is!

Time to face the demon in my room.  I must admit that I'm feeling nausea at the thought of it.  My poor roommate upstairs is going to be so confused when he hears me talking to myself down there.


----------



## adrien_j9 (Sep 27, 2004)

Fade said:
			
		

> Where did get the tire iron from so quickly.



It was inside his Jeep, another block of guilt on my shoulders...I cleaned his Jeep for him and tucked it along the side of the driver's seat.  I couldn't have put it in more prime a location - I may as well have placed the damn thing in his hand for him.  It was a T-bar, it was a single bar.

I know he doesn't think it's my fault, so I'm working on not believing it is.  Tough work!


----------



## adrien_j9 (Sep 28, 2004)

Failure of a day.  I made it through two hours of school before having to leave.  My instructor gave me a chair massage and I broke down.  Checked my email and the boys haven't sent me anything.  I feel so cut out of his life and memories.
Took my test that I missed.  89%.  Better than I thought I'd do, but I was head of my class.  Not any longer.  I ordered my table today, don't care.  I thought about going to his grave site again, but can't see how I'd make it home.  I miss him soo much, it's eating me alive.  Most people have common friends to share memories with.  The mutual friends we had betrayed me that night.  My roommate had stated that Erik wasn't allowed to come into our home again - of course this was before he was declared braindead.  My daughter's Dad had screamed at me that if I ever allowed Erik around Adrien again, he'd take custody from me. 
How do I move past this point?


----------



## MTN WARRIOR (Sep 28, 2004)

Sorry for your loss, regardless of the circumstances.   It will be very hard to move on.  Iwould suggest that you seek some counseling.  No offense to all of us on this board, but we are not trained (although there is probably someone here) in this type thing.  All we can do is offer support.  You need to speak to a professional sweety.  It doesnt make you crazy or stupid or give you any reason to be embarassed to see a counselor, it makes you better.


----------



## BoneCrusher (Sep 28, 2004)

> Failure of a day. I made it through two hours of school before having to leave. My instructor gave me a chair massage and I broke down. Checked my email and the boys haven't sent me anything. I feel so cut out of his life and memories.
> Took my test that I missed. 89%. Better than I thought I'd do, but I was head of my class. Not any longer. I ordered my table today, don't care. I thought about going to his grave site again, but can't see how I'd make it home. I miss him soo much, it's eating me alive. Most people have common friends to share memories with. The mutual friends we had betrayed me that night. My roommate had stated that Erik wasn't allowed to come into our home again - of course this was before he was declared braindead. My daughter's Dad had screamed at me that if I ever allowed Erik around Adrien again, he'd take custody from me.
> How do I move past this point?


It is good to see that you are in a forward mode now. You are going to go through so many emotionally related events that failure will often LOOK like the result. Fact is you *did* *win* this day. You got up and got out of your apt and put one foot in front of the other. Did you hit a home run this day? No. Will you hit the ball out of the park everyday? no. Should you put yourself down for this? no. Should you devalue the attempt? No. Are you going to let the fact that you feel less effective today stop you from moving forward tomorrow? Hell no. Now ask yourself again if today was a failure after all ... no is the only honest answer. Crawling into your loss and misery and not dealing with it, not working, not attending to the needs of your body, and just giving in to the dark side of dispare would be a day to write into the failure column ... you will experience those days of failure too. This was not one of those days though.   

It is good to see you as you go through the upswing you are on.  Thanks for sharing it. Some of us are on our own journies from a bad situation to a new life.  Seeing you go through your strugles helps me to deal with mine.


----------



## adrien_j9 (Sep 28, 2004)

BoneCrusher said:
			
		

> It is good to see you as you go through the upswing you are on.  Thanks for sharing it. Some of us are on our own journies from a bad situation to a new life.  Seeing you go through your strugles helps me to deal with mine.



I could never ask for a better benefit than that which you wrote.  And you're right, it was an okay day.  I know this isn't the normal type of thread.  If anything it's become more of a journal than anything else.  But if my experiences can help one person, than it's worth every word.  Your words are inspirational.  I've been yelling at myself (and mostly ignoring me) that I need to step out of pity land and re-enter the living.  There are people who hurt worse than I do - his children and they were in school TWO DAYS after his death.  How motivational is that?  I could not be more proud of them if they were my own children.  Self-pity is a disgusting trait.  I read through the posts that I entered here and it disgusts me.  But I'm sure I'll have many more that mirror them.  However, when I do, I'll have your post, and posts from others, AND this one to motivate me to keep on keeping on.  
Now, I'm off to study for my midterm.  What a bitch!!  Thanks again to all for your patience, words of encouragement, and motivation!


----------



## adrien_j9 (Sep 28, 2004)

Oh yeah...his wife contacted my roommate today.  Erik had my roommates business cards in his wallet.  I'm not sure what changed or what happened, what'd I miss?  But I'm so sad for her.  Either she's incredibly sick in the head, which is no laughing matter because I'm serious, or I totally misread the entire situation.  Yes she did keep me sitting in the waiting room that night.  No she wouldn't let the hospital tell me anything.  I wasn't allowed at the funeral, viewing, or cemetary - which kept me from closure and I do not think that's right, but everyone needs an outlet to pour their rage into.  I am hers.  Believe me, I've been searching for someone to blame and help carry the weight.  She seems to be a woman that has had so much crap in her life that it's defeated her.  Erik always said that he loved her and wished only happiness for her.  He was excited that she'd found someone.  What I mean is, she was so poisoned that she's merely a victim.  It will help me heal by helping her.  I just don't know how to go about it without her knowing as I'm sure she'd never accept anything from me, and understandably so.  Any ideas?


----------



## Yanks20 (Sep 29, 2004)

first off i'm truly sorry for your loss as i can kind of relate as i lost my younger brother to a difficult struggle with cancer 5 months ago today. trust me i never thought that i would make it through a single day after his death and just wish that i could have more time with him but in the end he is no longer suffering and i'm at peace with that. i know the circumstances are completely different from your suffering but you have to take things one day, one moment at a time and fortunately time does heal your wounds. my memories are filled with joy and happiness that i was able to have the time with him that i did (even though he was only 27) 

it will take time to have things return to your normal routine so to speak, but over time things will move forward the hurting will be less (even though you will never forget him) and you will continue on with life. trust me just as you did i felt i wouldv'e done anything in my power to help him not hurt any longer.

again, i'm truly sorry that you are having to deal with this...


----------



## fantasma62 (Sep 29, 2004)

Dear Adrien, 

This is one of the most heartwrenching stories I have ever heard.  I can only imagine being in your shoes and I get sick to my stomach, since I have two children and if anything happened to my Miriam...  I read his posts and really enjoyed them.  He really seemed like one hell of a fun guy to be around.  May the Lord bless him and keep him in his glory.

What you need to do is persevere.  You have to move on and be strong.  Draw strength from yourself that you didn't know you had.  The wife didn't let you do the things that you needed for closure you say?  Find your own ways to find closure.  Buy some flowers, and go to places you frequented.  Leave a flower there as if you are leaving a piece of him there forever.  The very last flower, well, that's yours.  You keep it and cherish it because if you feel this guy was your world, then he was a flower.  I hope you don't think I am trying to tell you what to do, I just wanted to give you an idea that may help you some.
Also know this, he will always be with you and will never leave you.  I am going to give you a happy thought about this really aweful situation.  He died happy.  He was looking at you.  Only God knows that if I died today, I would want to be with the ones I love.  You were there, he didn't die unhappy.
I have been here a short time, but I have learn to cherish and care for many members here and I assure you this community will definitely be missing him...
Again, my thoughts are with you, his friends and family, specially his kids....

Remember, persevere, be strong, you can do it....


----------



## adrien_j9 (Sep 29, 2004)

Yanks, Fantasma - thanks for your words of encouragement.  I do know with time it will get easier to deal with his loss.  I went about town today, and he was everywhere.  His favorite song, Jeeps galore, even the company he worked for drove past me.  I was at the mall, the last time there having been with him.  I have to say it was horrible.  But a week ago I was screaming until my voice died, so I see that as a step forward.  Now it's the thicker tears, you know?  My pastor held a service at my parents house (where Erik died.)  If there is such a thing as closure, it wasn't it.  
I've decided today to begin anti-depressants.  I missed school again and I can't focus on anything but him.  I'm hoping the drugs will help me.  Counseling is a plan, though for some unknown reason, I haven't pursued it yet.  I don't blame his wife for not wanting me there - I can't say that I'd behave differently.  But it hurts to be the carrier of the blame.  
On a happier note, I'm a size 6 now.  I suppose that should count for something - until you factor in that the weight I lost was muscle, not fat.  Sucky.


----------



## fantasma62 (Sep 29, 2004)

Hey Kid, listen, you will be Ok.  You will rise above this.  I know they sound like cliches but I mean it.  You need to be strong.  He'll help you.  He's with you and doesn't want you to be sad anymore.  He's definitely happy now and don't be surprised if you now have a Guardian Angel at your side....

You will be Ok, you will not fail yourself....Count on me and the rest of us for all the support that we can give you.  If I was there I would give you a big bear hug now, I think you need one (If you look at my pic, yeah, I look like a bear....   ) and I give really good ones  



			
				adrien_j9 said:
			
		

> Yanks, Fantasma - thanks for your words of encouragement. I do know with time it will get easier to deal with his loss. I went about town today, and he was everywhere. His favorite song, Jeeps galore, even the company he worked for drove past me. I was at the mall, the last time there having been with him. I have to say it was horrible. But a week ago I was screaming until my voice died, so I see that as a step forward. Now it's the thicker tears, you know? My pastor held a service at my parents house (where Erik died.) If there is such a thing as closure, it wasn't it.
> I've decided today to begin anti-depressants. I missed school again and I can't focus on anything but him. I'm hoping the drugs will help me. Counseling is a plan, though for some unknown reason, I haven't pursued it yet. I don't blame his wife for not wanting me there - I can't say that I'd behave differently. But it hurts to be the carrier of the blame.
> On a happier note, I'm a size 6 now. I suppose that should count for something - until you factor in that the weight I lost was muscle, not fat. Sucky.


----------



## adrien_j9 (Sep 30, 2004)

I don't know what to put in today, but have an immense fear of this thread going away.  This was an area that Erik and I had together.  We'd share different threads we'd enjoyed, he would email me links to threads he knew I'd like.  He uploaded my picture, the punk avatar.  People commented on it.  Someone said it was beautiful and he'd replied that *I* was beautiful.  *typing through tears* I'm failing in my quest for inner-strength.  I miss him.  Every minute.  
I have posted a thread at a grief/loss web site.  People there are very friendly and give good advice.  They've all lost someone recently too.  Most have a horrible story.  I move between that website, Erik's guestbook website, and this one.  This one's my favorite - it was ours.  Maybe that answers some people's questions why I leave this here.  
Skipping school again today.  I have a midterm that I'm hiding from.  I can't type without a breakdown, and typing is mindless.  Anything that requires brain power is left wanting.  Memorize the deep 6 muscles?  The Glutes, Hams, Quads?  Know their origin, insertion, and action?  Anyone know what the Gemellus Superior is?  Fuck if I know.  Deep 6 something or other.  Amazingly, I was a great student at one time.  I led the class, proudly the favored student.  Now I find it a chore to give a shit about it.  All I want to do is smoke, cry, live in a haze, and hurt people.  How pathetic.  You see, the benefit of typing?  I went from sadness to irritance in a matter of mere moments.  I'm a crybaby, an attention whore, and a quitter.  I suppose this is a good (as any) place to stop.  Time will change me.


----------



## adrien_j9 (Sep 30, 2004)

If anyone is interested...
http://www.legacy.com/grandrapids/Guestbook.asp?Page=Guestbook&PersonID=2633491

This is the website of Erik Bohn's guestbook.  It's a place where family and friends leave messages - words of prayer or encouragement - to family and friends.  I'm saving money to sponsor the site permanently, otherwise the site disappears on October 21st.
His children knew that Erik visited Ironmagazineforums.  I think they'd be surprised and touched if someone were to leave a message from here.  I would be.


----------



## BoneCrusher (Sep 30, 2004)

Hello Adrian. Hope today is a good day for you. 

After my mother died I heard a song from Barbara S ... ???They Way We Were???. I cried for years every time I heard that song. It helped me grieve I guess. My mother died when I was 17 and though I am now 44 I cannot listen to that song at all. She was only 39 years old.

My brother Chris died at the age of 27 with a newborn baby. He was a very intelligent person and as fine a human being as you can ever meet. He once flew from Ohio to Texas when my wife and I were going through marital problems just to hang out and be a friend. Who does that?

My brother Chuck died at the age of 28. He had a daughter age 7. Chuck was the clown of the group. Laughter was his way of life. Do you remember hearing about pet rocks? He gave me one for my B???day present once ??? it weighed 580 pounds. It was in the middle of my driveway. My card was scribed on the side of it ???I love you bro ??? Dinner for two is on the bottom of this rock ??? enjoy??? . He had bought gift certificates for two to Fisherman???s Warf (I love seafood) and buried them under the damn thing. He had a gift of humor that was infectious. I still have the rock.

I share this with you not to get your sympathy, but so that you will know my feelings at your loss are genuine. Loss is everywhere, we all live through it. Those of us that are strong enough prosper no matter what. You have shown your strength as you improve your situation day by day. I see that you have been working out. Working out is such a great tool in dealing with the hard feelings, and the attention to your body provides a great source of personal achievement. 

Build a better day one step at a time. I enjoy watching you do it Adrian!


----------



## adrien_j9 (Sep 30, 2004)

Bonecrusher, how can I ever thank you?  I read your post at Erik's guestbook.  It means so very very much to me and I know that it will be a touching and surprising read for his sons.  If I had all the money in the world, I would give it to you for that.  Thank you forever, words cannot express my gratitude.  Thank you, thank you.


----------



## adrien_j9 (Sep 30, 2004)

BoneCrusher said:
			
		

> Hello Adrian. Hope today is a good day for you.



It is so much better, because of you.  Again, thank you.  Thank you a million times.


----------



## adrien_j9 (Sep 30, 2004)

I was just reading the thread about steroid use at the gym and I have a question for anyone reading this.  I was told that Erik had a bruise on his hand with a red/pink spot in the middle.  Some are questioning steroid use.  He was throwing people around that weighed a good 250 like rag dolls.  As far as I know, he NEVER did ANY drugs.  Furthermore, he had to have a urine test for his job and passed it w/o problems.  I've heard of people that have snapped due to steroid use.  I pray that this isn't the case.  His sons lost their father and it'd be that much more devastating if it were because of steroids.  His death is shrouded in speculation, and as far as I know, the prosecuting attorney has not released her findings, or the autopsy report.  One minute he was fine, the next (or so I've been told) he was like an animal.  Does this sound like steroid use?
I hate to even ask this question, it feels like I'm betraying Erik, but I'm so mobbed in guilt about his death that I cannot function.  Regardless if he did or didn't, I'll NEVEr love him any less or any differently.  He'll forever be my Knight.


----------



## BoneCrusher (Oct 1, 2004)

Hi Adrien.  Just stoped in to see how today is for ya.  Hope all is well.


----------



## adrien_j9 (Oct 1, 2004)

I discovered some interesting news tonight.  Maybe this shouldn't bother me, but here goes, you decide for yourselves... I work with someone who is Erik's wife's neighbor.  Apparently she threw away many of Erik's belongings tonight, including all of the flower arrangements.  She shows no grief - now I know that everyone is different - but she's not the only person affected by Erik's death.  Maybe it's my feminine side, but I am sick that she did that.  Those plants and flowers are a reminder of the day that Erik was honored and laid to rest.  Maybe she offered them to his boys, I don't know.  But at the very least she could have given Erik respect by placing them on his grave.  Did she throw away the flag that she was honored with at his funeral?
Upon discovery of this I was ill - literally.  I broke down totally.  Now I'm just pissed.  And I plan to take action, however I cannot share my plan.  I found a piece of trash at Erik's cottage the other day.  An address label with his name and his cottage on it.  His cottage was our Heaven.  I kept the paper.  I have so little of his to cherish and am infuriated that she is so careless, not only toward me but toward his memory.
I also took a shepherd's hook with Morning Glories growing up it, a beautiful huge granite rock that he'd placed next to his front door, and some sand from his beach.  I made a grave where he fell and along with the above mentioned, I also bought two American flags and placed them on either side.  It is the most beautiful grave.  And it helps me some.  Many people place crosses alongside the road when loved ones are killed in crashes, this is the same.  I believe the boys would want to see it someday, and forever it will be there - provided she doesn't win my parent's house and land.
So, what do you think?  Am I overly sensitive or is it a normal behaviour to honor the dead veteran by throwing away his plants and flowers a week after his funeral?  
I don't know if I shared this, but we held a funeral for Erik at my parents house.  Everyone who'd met Erik through me was there.  It was beautiful and I hope it soon will become the closure I'm searching so desperately for.  I read his favorite passage from his favorite book.  We played his favorite music - Sting "Ghost Story" - and a few people stood and spoke of how they met Erik and the effect he had on their lives.  My Pastor officiated.  She did well.  It was outside, warm and bright.  I received flowers and an angel, a picture of he and I and a candle with inspirational quotes printed on the glass.  Each is a cherished belonging never to be thrown away.  The flowers are hanging on my wall for all to see, the picture proudly displayed, the candle to be lit each time I visit his grave and any other time I need the inspiration.  It was beautiful, he was beautiful.
Here's the website again, if anyone cares to sign it. ***Thanks again Bonecrusher***
http://www.legacy.com/grandrapids/Guestbook.asp?Page=Guestbook&PersonID=2633491


----------



## maniclion (Oct 2, 2004)

Garbage becomes public domain once it is placed at the curb.


----------



## adrien_j9 (Oct 2, 2004)

I know.  I spoke with my roommate last night - he's squeaky clean - and he said that I didn't need flowers that were given to her for her mourning (what a fucking laugh) that I had the flowers that people gave to me for my mourning.  I don't know how to live through all of this unless fueled by anger and rage.  How can such a large group of people blame me for his death?  I didn't hit him.  I accept that it is my fault that he's dead, I brought him to that stupid, fucking party.  But I didn't hit him, I tried to help him.  Why can't those people see that?  How sick do you have to be to blame someone who only loved him?  His wife is blaming me because he wasn't buried in his favorite shirt.  WHAT THE FUCK?  First of all, it was NOT his favorite shirt.  If it were, why would he wear it to a pond party?  That's a guarantee dirt fest.  Secondly, I was told directly that if I contacted anyone in his family for any reason, they would press charges on me for stalking!!!  THIRDLY, the motherfucking police knew that I had that bag, I TOLD THEM AND HIS FUCKING FAMILY!  How is it my fault?  So, to make up for my "sin" she stuffed the shirt into his coffin.  She did have to mention that the shirt was a *$70* shirt.  Everytime she speaks with anyone there's a dollar symbol in the conversation.
Tell me, if you are a war veteran, receiving TOTAL disability each month, is it possible that he wasn't covered, life insurance I mean?  He had a Jeep Rubicon, that he'd almost completely paid off.  It's a 2004.  Why doesn't she sell it?  Why is she keeping it AND a brand new truck?  Why is it all that she is after is monetary items?  A computer, a camera.  I have a sweatshirt of his that he always kept in his Jeep for me when I got a chill.  Why doesn't she want that?  I don't want or care for any goddamn computer or camera.  But you know, they are going to search my apartment, and my fathers' house because I've stolen from her.  FUCK THEM.


----------



## BoneCrusher (Oct 2, 2004)

adrien_j9 said:
			
		

> I know. I spoke with my roommate last night - he's squeaky clean - and he said that I didn't need flowers that were given to her for her mourning (what a fucking laugh) that I had the flowers that people gave to me for my mourning. I don't know how to live through all of this unless fueled by anger and rage. How can such a large group of people blame me for his death? I didn't hit him. I accept that it is my fault that he's dead, I brought him to that stupid, fucking party. But I didn't hit him, I tried to help him. Why can't those people see that? How sick do you have to be to blame someone who only loved him? His wife is blaming me because he wasn't buried in his favorite shirt. WHAT THE FUCK? First of all, it was NOT his favorite shirt. If it were, why would he wear it to a pond party? That's a guarantee dirt fest. Secondly, I was told directly that if I contacted anyone in his family for any reason, they would press charges on me for stalking!!! THIRDLY, the motherfucking police knew that I had that bag, I TOLD THEM AND HIS FUCKING FAMILY! How is it my fault? So, to make up for my "sin" she stuffed the shirt into his coffin. She did have to mention that the shirt was a *$70* shirt. Everytime she speaks with anyone there's a dollar symbol in the conversation.
> Tell me, if you are a war veteran, receiving TOTAL disability each month, is it possible that he wasn't covered, life insurance I mean? He had a Jeep Rubicon, that he'd almost completely paid off. It's a 2004. Why doesn't she sell it? Why is she keeping it AND a brand new truck? Why is it all that she is after is monetary items? A computer, a camera. I have a sweatshirt of his that he always kept in his Jeep for me when I got a chill. Why doesn't she want that? I don't want or care for any goddamn computer or camera. But you know, they are going to search my apartment, and my fathers' house because I've stolen from her. FUCK THEM.


Hi Adrein. I have a question for ya. Do you have a way to travel for a bit? See a friend in another city? These people are getting way too far into your head. All the monetary things are of no consequence in the larger picture and are a weight on your soul. Find the small and important things from him to you and fed-ex them to a friend, then go out of town ... camp out if need be ... and get away from all the insanity being thrown at you. I guess what I am really saying is that the money stuff is trespassing on the mental stuff. Stop letting that happen so you can continue working towards your inner peace. I hope I am not sounding presumptuous here but the bad side of humanity is coming out of some of the other people involved and it is in danger of sucking you in to it ... please try not to let that happen.


----------



## adrien_j9 (Oct 2, 2004)

BoneCrusher said:
			
		

> Hi Adrein. I have a question for ya. Do you have a way to travel for a bit? See a friend in another city? These people are getting way too far into your head. All the monetary things are of no consequence in the larger picture and are a weight on your soul. Find the small and important things from him to you and fed-ex them to a friend, then go out of town ... camp out if need be ... and get away from all the insanity being thrown at you. I guess what I am really saying is that the money stuff is trespassing on the mental stuff. Stop letting that happen so you can continue working towards your inner peace. I hope I am not sounding presumptuous here but the bad side of humanity is coming out of some of the other people involved and it is in danger of sucking you in to it ... please try not to let that happen.


I wish.  I missed a week of school and have always struggled with rent.  Travel was always with Erik.  It's hard not to let his wife get to me.  It's more than I can bear, knowing that someone blames me for his death.  I worry a millions times each day that his boys share that stupid feeling.  How can they blame me?  What did I do wrong?  How have people conveniently forgotten that they were separated for nearly a year and had their toes into a divorce?  Why, when I wasn't the one weilding the flashlight, do they blame me?  It hurts my feelings more than anything ever has.
We were going to go to Guatemala in the Spring.  I'd told him that I could never afford it, and he said, "why do you think I'm working so many hours?"  He was determined to take care of me.  
I'm anxiously awaiting the anti-depressants to be prescribed.  I know that I cannot do this - move on without him - without them, the pills.  I start counseling this coming Friday, but it seems so far off.  It's been two weeks.  Two weeks without him, and it's horrible.  I wake up crying, I go to sleep crying, and today I'm supposed to work WHILE we're open.  Erik has friends that workout there.  I've been threatened since his death and am expecting some sort of attack while at work.  Physical, maybe not, emotional - it's only a matter of time. 
One week ago, I would have taken it.  Now, I'm afraid that I'll lost control and hurt someone.  Part of me actually hopes that his wife will try to attack me.  I can't imagine a better feeling than to hurt her back.  Blame me over a fucking shirt?  It's insanity.


----------



## adrien_j9 (Oct 2, 2004)

Went to work today - first day back, so to speak.  I've worked everyday this week, but we were closed, it was completely different.  Erik always used the same eliptical machine, and I would walk by and see other people on the machines, but he was never there.  A co-worker brought in the pamphlet from his funeral.  It broke my heart.  I feel empty and alone.  It has his picture on the front and a poem:

Remember Me
To the living, I am gone,
To the sorrowful, I will never return;
To the angry, I was cheated.
But to the happy, I am at peace.
And to the faithful, I have never left.
I cannot speak, but I can listen,
I cannot be seen, but I can be heard.
So as you stand upon a shore gazing at a beautiful sky -
As you look upon a flower and admire its simplicity -
Remember me.
Remember me in your heart.
Your thoughts, and your memories.
Of the time we loved,
The times we cried,
The times we fought,
The times we laughed,
for if you always think of me,
I will never have gone.

I must not be faithful, because he DID leave.  His friend came in and worked out this afternoon, and I knew he he was by the way he greeted me.  Hostile, cold.  I verified who he was..I was right.  It kills me that people blame me.  It kills and then it kills.  I feel so alone, as though I died with him.  A large part of me wishes I had.


----------



## adrien_j9 (Oct 3, 2004)

I'm soon to leave and meet Hannah, a 7 year old Brittany Spaniel that needs a home.  I believe it is destiny that this dog and I come together, she needs me, and I desperately need her.  Even my doctor suggested I get a dog for companionship.  Please say a prayer that my landlord will allow this dog to come into my life.  I need her.  I'll keep you all posted.


----------



## adrien_j9 (Oct 4, 2004)

Brought Hannah home yesterday.  She's a card.  What spirit.  I have to say yesterday and today have been the best days since Erik died.  Maybe it's not healthy, maybe I'm hiding from grief, but I was actually ablt to attend school and stay.  Of course, I went into class half way through the day, but it's still better than before.
I spoke with the detective on Erik's case.  He said the investigation was over and that they'd turned their findings over to the prosecuting attorney.  I go back and forth from wanting the kid that killed him to fry.  It's hard.  Erik's wife told him directly that he wasn't to tell me anything.  God, get on with it.  I can order a copy of the autopsy report, anyone can.  I sent her an email last Monday, it was really nice.  Apologetic, informative, spineless.  I wish I'd never sent it.  She doesn't deserve and niceties from me.  She screamed at the detective.  What'd he do?  The man has to be one of the nicest authority figures I've ever met.  He didn't tell me anything, he kept his promise to Erica, but he's compassionate and kind.  He told me that the results may be in the paper as soon as tomorrow.  I'll be holding my breath for it, to say the least.  In the email I sent Erica was a list of Erik's belongings that I have.  Yeah, she cares and misses him so much, yet his stuff still sits with me.   Hmmmm.  She's repulsive and the thought that she's less than 4 miles away from me sickens me.  No wonder he was looking forward to a new phase in life.  What a nightmare she is.
I found a camera, one that she was looking for.  It's expensive.  I'm sure she'll be over directly to grab that as she's chasing money in any direction she can.  She's weeping to anyone who will listen that Erik left her with this huge debt, yet she's retained an attorney.  How does someone who is considering filing for bankruptcy afford a retained lawyer?  What a horrible life he must have had with her.  No wonder he left.  Never got the flowers.  I doubt Erik really cares, so I suppose that I shouldn't.  I have a lot of memorabilia of him through out my apartment.  It will be displayed for years to come.  I miss him a lot.  The sun did come out for a little while these past two days.


----------



## maniclion (Oct 4, 2004)

Dogs have magical properties mine have helped me through home alone time this past week after my GF and I had a miscarriage.






On the other side death brings out the ugliest shades of greed in people.

My step-father whom I loved very much was murdered in '98.  After the funeral his daughter(my step-sister) used her inheritance and hired a gang of lawyers to steal everything from my mother leaving her broken and in anguish from heartache.  Luckily my step-dads uncle was a noble man and gave my mother support and backed her to start her own bail bonding business.


----------



## adrien_j9 (Oct 5, 2004)

The gates to Hell have opened and shit is steaming up out of it.  I've lost my job, though I'm not sure why.  People who were my friends are no longer.  It's turned into a lynching, everything was Erik's fault.  Even my father, my daddy has crossed over to the other side.  And do you know who are the only people telling me that I'm not wrong.  The only people that continue to support me and give me hope?  People here.  Online friends from a grief website.  One friend from school.  That's it.  I've lost all relationship with my daughter's father, my family, the majority of my friends, and now I've lost my job.  
I found out today that two people were responsible for Erik's death.  The one I found out today used to be in my best friends list.  I've known and loved him for years.  I've called him several times since his death.  Erik saved him that night from a fight!  And he killed him in gratitude?  People that I called friends knew and didn't tell me.  Both murderers?  Cousins to my daughter, people I'll never escape.  Erik's EX-WIFE has been calling me and she's been nicer to me than my own "best friends."  She did a total flip in my opinion.  I was wrong about her.  It's just one more case that Erik was right and I was wrong.  He was always talking highly of his ex, Diana.  Never said a negative word about her.  At times I thought he was nuts.  But he was right.  He was right about so many things.  
People are such simpletons.  They believe in two emotions, good and bad.  I just hung up on one "friend" that said he needed to be stopped that he was attacking everyone.  Was I not there?  Are we talking about the same night?  It was your classic schoolyard atmosphere.  People circling him and screaming at him.  If he "snapped" as they say, why didn't he attack me with everyone else?  The police agree.  They call the case "unusual and mysterious."  Here's the kicker:  3/4 of the witnesses interviewed were family of the killers!!!  How is that an unbiased statement?  And has any ONE person contacted the true victims of this whole horrible ordeal - his sons?  NOPE.  They are all so sad.  So upset over what happened.  Yet no one calls them?  They don't know how to say I'm sorry your father died?
When does it all end?  What fucking planet am I stuck on?


----------



## adrien_j9 (Oct 6, 2004)

Received the official, "you're fired," today.  Apparently I've been consistently late coming in to work.  Consistently means once.  I was late once.  Right after he told me I was fired, a man came in and my boss turned his attention to him instead of me.  I got up and walked out.  That gym was where I met Erik.  It's where we became friends, became more.  We worked out together, he'd come in with me while I worked.  And now that's gone.  I know there is more to the firing than what they're telling me.  Maybe his wife got to the owner.  Maybe one of Erik's friends - and many work out there - heard Erica's woes and spoke with the owner.  Regardless, it's over now.  
Why is all of this happening?  Why can't I get past wishing him back?  Why can't I accept that he is dead?  That he'll never talk to me, touch me, laugh with me again?  
I can get another job.  I can make money somewhere else.  But that place was special to me.  That was our place.  
A good thing did happen.  I've made friends with Erik's sister.  She is so nice.  She looks like Erik too.  I'm so sorry for her -what I did.  If it weren't for me.  I'm looking forward to counseling this Friday.  I'm hoping that it will help this all to sink in.  I'm hoping it will get me past the "if only" stage.  It seems that my day is spent arguing about Erik to someone.  They didn't know him like I did.  He didn't do anything worse than anyone else at that party, but because of his size he was more of a threat than anyone else.  That wasn't his fault.  *Is anyone here?*


----------



## adrien_j9 (Oct 6, 2004)

Oh yeah, sorry to all who become annoyed by reading this.  Normally, I despise self-pity and torture.  I'm searching for ways out of this, I swear.


----------



## Vieope (Oct 6, 2004)

_Don´t be sorry for it.  
We are not annoyed by it. Don´t even think about it. _


----------



## BoneCrusher (Oct 6, 2004)

Your pain is soo clear in your words that I can't help but feel it in my heart too. We all feel your pain Adrein. You could not ever feel that IM members would have a bad thought about you. We don't. You come here and post as long as you want. We will feel a part of your healing and grow from it. Consider it a kind of symbiosis ???

I see you have been upset by the job deal ... but as you said the "place" is the loss not really the job. When you separate the job form the place you really did not loose that place as your memories with Eric will always be your personal property. Nothing and no one can steal or alter those moments with him. These are yours to love and smile at forever. Let NOTHING encroach on them, and you will laugh with Eric always. I remember my family with smiles and laughter because I know that none of them would want to be only connected with sorrow.

Your confidence in getting a new job speaks to your inner strength and self esteem. You are a strong woman and you will come through this with your heart, soul, and mind in good shape. Just do what you have been doing. Find a way to let out your pain ??? a way to deal with your emotions and setbacks. Pain and setback are part of this ordeal, so don't internalize them or claim them as something you created. You are a victim here Adrein, not a protagonist. One day at a time, one week at a time. Your new challenge is now to find a job that you like and that will test your personality. Something you can dig into and contribute too. Enjoy this change my friend.

Remember ??? lemons into lemonade!

I am always warry of people that are not consistant in their actions towards me so Diana's change of attitude should be looked at with warm but watchful eyes. She may see that you were not her enemy and tried to protect Eric ... and respect you for this. I would if I were her.  Allow the people around you to act as they will woithout accepting blame for _their_ feelings or actions.  You are only responsible for your self in this!


----------



## adrien_j9 (Oct 7, 2004)

Once again...thank you for your kind heart and words.  Today is an ok day.  Is it ever out of my mind, no way.  But I'm not broken.  Not right now.  Actually, it seems the more crap that is thrown my way - the stronger I become (this hour anyway!)  There is a job posting in my area, for a Massage Therapist.  I'm not licensed, but fortunately Michigan allows non-licensed therapists.  I have to get rid of my dog.  I cried and cried last night because of it, but in the end all that I feel is rage.  I know this isn't good for me.  I know rage and anger are consuming, products of Satan himself.  But I know my process for pain.  I cry, cry some more, and then I get angry.  So maybe I'm entering the next phase.
I've realized that I cannot change people's opinions of Erik.  I'm not speaking of people here, but rather the people that were at the party.  I can't change or make them see Erik for what he truly was - my saviour.  So I've sent a polite, yet to the point, email to all friends informing them that I cannot deal with ANY negativity toward Erik, and if they feel that way, that I cannot change that and it's best for me and everyone if we go our separate ways.  
That is what I mean by spring cleaning my "friends" list.
On a more silly (yet sad for me) note, I predicted that the fish that Erik bought me would die last night. I predicted this because it seems that all areas of my and Erik's relationship and memories are being destroyed.  He'd bought me two fish and I told him they'd be named after their "father."  One was "Er"  and one was "Ik."  Of course he looked at me like I'd lost my mind, but it was funny.  "Er" died the next day after he'd bought them, leaving "Ik."  When I woke up this morning, the fish was, indeed, dead.  I think I'm becoming psychic.  Or would the correct term be psycho???    
Bone Crusher, thank you for being a champion in my court.  Thank you for your beautiful words on Erik's guest book.  Thank you for your concern.  Thank you for your encouragement.  I always smile and feel love toward you when I see you've posted.  You truly make my day.  My family knows about "Bonecrusher" my friend.  You ought to see the looks they give!!!


----------



## BoneCrusher (Oct 7, 2004)

someday someone will need to talk to you and hear you talk to him or her. You'll know what to do ... you've shown that already the way you replied to a thread here today.

{{{{{{{{Big Hugs}}}}}}}}​
You do have class Adrien ... you will do well in life.​


----------



## adrien_j9 (Oct 7, 2004)

BoneCrusher said:
			
		

> someday someone will need to talk to you and hear you talk to him or her. You'll know what to do ... you've shown that already the way you replied to a thread here today.
> 
> {{{{{{{{Big Hugs}}}}}}}}​
> You do have class Adrien ... you will do well in life.​



Lower it to my intelligence level!!    I'm totally lost.     Who needs to talk to me?


----------



## BoneCrusher (Oct 7, 2004)

The pain you endure now will enlighten and educate you just a weeee bit more about the human experience. You're not a tard Adrien ... you'll soak this up and get on with the good parts of life. I see the healing take place in every word you post. You started off here wanting to be dead. Now death is not an option you consider as an acceptable solution to the pain you suffer. Somewhere somewhen someone will need you to help them get through their misery. Various people helped me through mine 3 times in 10 years and now you helped me right here right now. Seeing you cope affirms my own sense of worth. People ... humanity ... the strangers we see from day to day can and will reach out and touch each other in the most humane ways conceivable at the least likely times. Look at the 9/11 tragedy. We ... the United Sates of America ... gave so much blood we were asked to stop. The blood banks were out of room.

You'll react to someone else's pain sometime.  It all comes and goes around


----------



## adrien_j9 (Oct 7, 2004)

If you ever need to talk or need words of encouragement, I'm your girl.  Lord knows, I can't even count how many times you've helped me!!!


----------



## adrien_j9 (Oct 7, 2004)

Firestorm, are you there?????  I was skimming through everyones words, and Firstorm was a hero for me too.  Maniclion as well.  I'm not sure what I did or said to deserve such cool people to talk with, but.......COME BACK AND TALK TO ME!!!  Just kidding.  To any who read this, if these two, and Bonecrusher speak with you - you'd better listen and take their words to heart!!!  You guys rule!  Thank you all!!

If anyone feels left out, I'm so sorry.  It's uhhhh, because you already know you're number one!!!


----------



## adrien_j9 (Oct 9, 2004)

I was supposed to meet with my new therapist yesterday, 9:30 am sharp.  I sat in the waiting room for twenty minutes.  They called me back to complete paperwork. Went back to the waiting room.  I couldn't help thinking, "this is my life now.  This is my life," I was surrounded by agony and pain.  Nut jobs in pink slippers.  Three weeks ago I was in Heaven, now I've been deposited in Hell.  I sat in this waiting room for another twenty minutes, leaving five minutes of my appointment time left.  The receptionist asked me what I was waiting for, and laughed when I told her.  I got up and left.  I'd brought Hannah, my dog, with me and we drove back home.  I broke down in the car, went to Erik's cottage (that's now for rent and totally empty) and cried some more.  Went home.  And what did I find?  A message from Erik's estranged wife.  Sweet as can be, acting as though we were the best of friends.  Do I need to recap what she's done???  Needless to say, I haven't returned her call.  In fact, I'll never return her call.
Monday shall be a day for pursuing a different counseling facility.  One without pink slippers, hopefully.  Yesterday was fucking horrible.  MY GOD!
Today, not too bad.  However, with the way that my life has been going lately, I'm waiting for the devil to be at my door; a bomb to take out just my side of the condo; a unicorn to stab me in the heart........


----------



## BoneCrusher (Oct 9, 2004)

Afternoon Adrien. I see you are practicing your coping skills today. Just wondered why you took your dog with you to therapy? When I first started getting my head shrunk I thought I was gonna scream the closer I got to the counselor???s office. My demons rattled their chains and I was sooooo defensive. Everyone knew the last conversation with my mother was when she asked me to drive her to LAX. I was a 17-year-old kid in LA with a birthday party to go to (mine) so I told her I was too busy and to get a cab. Actually I said ???Mom I don???t feel like driving all the way the hell out to LAX and back can ya catch a cab???? and she was cool about it and let me off the hook. Never saw her conscious again after that. Those were my last words to her. I waived even too ??? no hug ??? no ???have a good flight??? ??? no ???love ya mom see ya in a couple of weeks??? ??? I just waived her off.

I soooo did not want to confront that memory it freaked me out every time I went in the direction of my shrink that I missed half the first 10 appointments. He started coming to my house when I missed showing up. I found out later that he had a deal with my roommate to confirm I was home before he made the trip. Sneaky shrink. Anyway I eventually had to fess up all the dark stuff. It was like being on drugs ??? for days at a time I would feel the affects of the conversations with the dude. Increased anger at strangers, no self-tolerance for simple mistakes, and a way increased impulsivity response to random thoughts. After a few months I was past all that but getting there sucked at first. I was a wreak before anyway so I needed to do it but it was a rough start.


----------



## adrien_j9 (Oct 9, 2004)

Larry, I'm so sorry.  I understand every emotion you speak of.  I know that I will get through this, history has proven that life does, indeed, continue.  My heart or body or whatever just disagrees.

I was online just a little while ago.  One of the girls that I used to do daycare (and had met Erik) IM'd me.  She asked how I was doing and I had to tell her that Erik had passed away.  She said that she was sad.  She said that Erik was nice.  I wish it wasn't such a sensitive subject for me.  I wish that I would hurry up and get over it already.  Today is day three of Prozac.  I'm anxiously awaiting it's magical affects to take over my body.  I'd love a good nights sleep.
This is all just so fucked up.  It doesn't make sense to me and that certainly doesn't help.  People moving on.  People laughing.  People acting as though it never happened.  I know this is all normal, and I know that it's irrational for me to resent them, but I still do.  Here's the hypocracy, I've laughed since he died as well.  But it's always there, like a pill stuck in my throat.  I can never have an hour, hell not even fifteen minutes when I'm not thinking about him.  Even if I'm following a movie or some other distraction, the "pill" is still stuck in my throat.  The pain, which is very physical as well as mental and emotional, is ALWAYS there.  I'm forgetting what it was like to be with him.  I'm losing memory of the time we spent together.  I am bored through out the day, and I can't remember what Erik and I would be doing if he were with me.  This throws me into severe depression.  Hell, everything does.  Three weeks tomorrow, 6ish or so the bastard pastor told me.  Erik and I have NEVER been apart this long.  And I'll never see him again.  Will I?


----------



## adrien_j9 (Oct 10, 2004)

Went to the grave that I made for Erik today.  It's bizarre, I felt better leaving than I did coming there.  Maybe he's there, giving me strength.  I don't know.  Three weeks in an hour.  Life continues and my day isn't too bad having visited with him.  I haven't been to his "official" grave yet.  I'm going to go *gulp* this Sunday on his birthday.  He would have been 38.  I hope his boys, sister, and all other family are recovering.


----------



## BoneCrusher (Oct 11, 2004)

Hello Adrien.  Looks like your getting on and doing well as the days pass.  I am glad to see that.  You are strong person and it shows.  Keep up the good work!!


----------



## adrien_j9 (Oct 11, 2004)

Hey Bonecrusher.....I love you!!!!


----------



## Rocky_Road (Oct 11, 2004)

Hi everyone! I'm new to this site and I was invited here by Adrien_j9. ( She's my beotch.)


----------



## adrien_j9 (Oct 11, 2004)

Rocky_Road said:
			
		

> Hi everyone! I'm new to this site ans I was invited here by Adrien_j9. ( She's my beotch.)





SHLLLLLLLLA!!!!!  It's about damn time you joined!!!!!!!


----------



## adrien_j9 (Oct 11, 2004)

*I have an idea that two certain boys, 12 and 14 years old, have been reading this thread.  You have a special interest that no others have.  If you are, and you see this now, there is a whole different story than what you've heard.  If you are interested in hearing what I know, email me anytime.  Nothing is as it first appears.*


----------



## Rocky_Road (Oct 11, 2004)

Holy cow. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing about the 12 and 14 yr. old boys given what's been posted......


----------



## adrien_j9 (Oct 11, 2004)

Rocky_Road said:
			
		

> Holy cow. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing about the 12 and 14 yr. old boys given what's been posted......




It's a bad thing.  But, maybe not.  Depends on if they contact me.


----------



## adrien_j9 (Oct 12, 2004)

Ask yourself a question.  Why am I talking to his ex?  What benefit do I receive, aside from insults?  I post a passage from Erik's favorite book, He told me it was his favorite, on his guestbook.  They assume that I'm portraying to know him better than anyone.  I'm not so moronic that I can't figure out 7 months is less than 5 years, 12 years, 14 years and so on.  He told me that was his favorite passage.  Why would I make it up?  Because I like to be attacked?  Nick, if you are reading this, there's more to the story than what you are catching.  Ask yourself why would I stay in contact with your mom?  Why would I want to befriend someone who hated Erik?  Now ask yourself why do I want to get to you guys?  If you don't know, contact me.


----------



## adrien_j9 (Oct 12, 2004)

They've removed Erik's online guestbook.  It was supposed to stay posted until the 21st.  There was an option of sponsorship and now the whole damn thing is gone.  Who would do that?  And why?


----------



## Rocky_Road (Oct 12, 2004)

I can't believe that Diana would do that. How cruel. I actually feel kind of bad for her that she's that bitter towards Erik. She's one of those people who will never be happy. How tragic for her sons.


----------



## adrien_j9 (Oct 12, 2004)

"They" came and picked up the things that Erik left at my house tonight.  I had the police there to verify that I relinquished his belongings.  I'll bet that ruined their plans for attack.  Now if only the fucking investigation could be finished.  

I've decided to give up on reaching his kids for now.  They hate me, naturally.  I want to tell them what is the truth, but they aren't ready to listen to me.  I just want them to know that their Dad was a different person that what others are saying about him.  I want them to know IF he was, indeed, like what people are saying, that he'd changed.  He was perfect to me and mine.  I've been writing journals, and including this thread, have a lot of memories logged.  It's very therapeutic.  I miss him a lot, but have begun the process of getting my life back in order.  Three weeks, two days down...


----------



## adrien_j9 (Oct 13, 2004)

Today was classified as a good day.  I received only one negative email, life is good.  Visited with my baby nephew, first man child in the family!!!  I love good days!!


----------



## BoneCrusher (Oct 13, 2004)

More good days and less bad days or in order for you Adrien.  Both Kerry and Bush have added that to their platforms "Adrien will get a break and is required to enjoy life" is a bill co-sponsered and passed in both houses.  It's law now Adrien ... you gotta live and like it kid.


----------



## Jo-Anna (Oct 14, 2004)

Hi Adrien

I thought I would say a quick hello while I had the chance.  I've been very busy at work these past weeks and I don't get much time to visit the site.  How is Hannah doing?  You sound much better in your latest posts, and I think it's great that your friend joined in too - BTW - Welcome Rocky Road, nice to meet you.

Keep up the good spirits Adrien you'll do fine... talk to you again soon.


----------



## adrien_j9 (Oct 14, 2004)

BoneCrusher, Jo-Anna, 
thanks for stopping by.  I love when people post in here.  It's become quite a journal for me, and VERY therapeutic.  But it's nice to know that people are willing to wade through the drama and self-pity to leave me a note.  Thanks, so much!!!


----------



## adrien_j9 (Oct 15, 2004)

First weekend alone.  My sister made plans for me to hang with her and my parents.  She's so thoughtful.  My mind keeps skipping back to what Erik and I would be doing right now.  He was supposed to be leaving next week for a week long bird hunting trip.  I know that his friends are still planning on going.  It makes me sad.  
There's a gym down the road from me that I'm going to harass to employ me.  Working in a gym spoiled me, I have to find another to work in.  Regular jobs aren't for me anymore, not until I'm finished with school.
This sunday would have been Erik's birthday.  I'm hoping to grow some balls and visit his gravesite for the first time.  The real one for veterans.  We'll see if I make it.
It's all still, very much, in my mind.  The investigation has taken a turn, but is still incomplete.  I wonder when the Prosecuting Attorney will make her decision?  I still hope they fry.  Who ever said I was a nice person?


----------



## BoneCrusher (Oct 15, 2004)

adrien_j9 said:
			
		

> I still hope they fry. Who ever said I was a nice person?


 Weare all of two minds at times  Hope your days is going well Adrien


----------



## adrien_j9 (Oct 17, 2004)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ERIK!!!!  

Erik would be 38 today.  If anyone has walked away from this thread with any thoughts, I hope they are thoughts that remind you to cherish who you have in your life.  That would be my one wish.  Life ends, without warning, leaving those who knew the deceased with regrets and sadness.
I was lucky, very lucky - I was able to tell Erik just how special and important he was to me, how much I loved him, and how great a difference he made in my life before he died.  Mine were the last words that he heard before losing consciousness.  That is a gift to me, and one that I will cherish for the remainder of my life.
Love the people around you, tell them how special they are to you, make someone's day.  You'll never know just how great an effect you have on that person' life.
Happy birthday, baby, I love you.


----------



## Rocky_Road (Oct 17, 2004)

Happy Birthday Erik. Try to keep your head up, hon. Think of all the happy times you and Erik had. Let today be a celebration of his life instead of a hurtful reminder. Love ya...


----------



## adrien_j9 (Oct 18, 2004)

I'm not sure if today is a good day or not.  It was this morning, not so in the afternoon.  We'll see about tonight.  I hate that I'm so weak, I hate that my life is at a standstill.  That one dude is right, all I do IS whine.  Is there a time period that is standard for grieving?  I spoke with his sister, she and their mother had a horrible day yesterday.  It's to be expected, of course, but it kills me nonetheless.  I feel so horrible, so sick over his death.  I just don't understand why this happened.  I don't understand how God would allow it.  He was a father, a son, a friend.  He was my best friend and my hero.  He was better than any other man I've ever met.  He was brilliant, athletic, gorgeous, kind.  I miss him very much.  I think about nothing but him.


----------



## BoneCrusher (Oct 18, 2004)

Only thing that really helps is time ... all the other stuff is only as good as you make it Adrien.  You are a strong person as your posts show.  You still have a life and need to live it ... please be sure to get out and get somewhere hun.  The pain will always be ready to come up and take ahold of you ... if you allow that to happen.  I miss my brothers sooooooo much so many times a week it is hard to explain it in words.  I can't really.  But ... we move on and look for the good things we have from the one we lose.  My brother Chris helped invent the breathing unit that stops convicted drunk drivers from starting their cars while drinking.  He saved lives with that little gadget.  The good stuff makes me smile at his memory.  Makes me proud he loved me, and makes me know I am worth something after all just because he thought so.  

If Eric was all that you remember him to be than you are someone special too Adrien as he chose you in his life as his.  Ask your self what he would want you to do with your life and then consider these thoughts as his advice to you.  I ask my self what my mother would be thinking of me when I consider some things ... and form a decision from those thoughts.  Sound strange?


----------



## adrien_j9 (Oct 18, 2004)

Erik hated weakness.  That thought is in my head everyday.  He would be pissed if he saw how mopey I get.  I did get out today, I took my dog down a bike trail for miles....  I'm gearing up for a great workout tonight, too.  It's bizarre - depression.  I LOVE the feeling of accomplishment, it's a natural high.  I love fighting in TKD and winning is almost better than sex.  So why do I avoid these things so much?  Why do I hide out in my home and ignore people?  I'm not sure.  But I'm making the steps necessary to put my world back in order.  I suppose I'm just needy - I need people to kick my ass into gear.

Oh yeah.....thanks for the kick.


----------



## Rocky_Road (Oct 19, 2004)

I'm always available to give you some good ol' ass kickin'. Course, I'm sure you'd pull out some tae kwon do (sp) and whoop me......


----------



## adrien_j9 (Oct 19, 2004)

Today was a good day.  Had my moment of weakness, of course, but it was a thumbs up day.  Now if only I can make tomorrow the same...


----------



## Pirate! (Oct 19, 2004)

I know this was touched upon earlier in the thread, but the journalists for newspapers pick a side from the start and roll with it. There are about 26 articles about me in my local papers packed with lies and painting me out to be a heartless monster. Usually they slant the article toward sympathy for the dead, as this elicits the stronger emotional response--outrage. Strong emotional responses = hot news. If someone threatened me with by firing a shotgun, your damn right I'd be swinging a tire iron--especially if someone drug my girlfriend out of my vehicle. Be proud of Erik. He had the balls to stand up and fight a fight he could never win because it was the right thing to do. The journalists should be held accountable for this sort of injustice. I hope those who love Erik get to know the truth, and the true offenders brought to judgment. Truly Erik was the victim. My condolences.


----------



## adrien_j9 (Oct 19, 2004)

Thank you, so much!  Why do I post here everyday, especially when it's not fitness appropriate?  For people like you and thoughts like yours.  Everyday I'm fighting a battle to keep his name cleared.  He WAS a hero, and I'm so very proud of him.  He taught me the most valuable lessons of my lifetime.  Everything that I do or become in life will be a direct result of the impact he had on my life.  We all have flaws; Erik had flaws, but to me he was perfect and I'll never regret one moment spent with him.  Thank you again and again for your post, it means the world to me.


----------



## BoneCrusher (Oct 19, 2004)

I like to see ya in the other threads too.  You ARE moving ahead with life and I am digging that    .  You seem to have this under control now Adrien.  I had a 3 step forward 1 step back period for a wahile ... don't let that bother ya if you do it too.  That _*is *_normal.   You rock woman!


----------



## Rocky_Road (Oct 19, 2004)

PirateFromHell said:
			
		

> If someone threatened me with by firing a shotgun, your damn right I'd be swing a tire iron--especially if someone drug my girlfriend out of my vehicle. Be proud of Erik. He had the balls to stand up and fight a fight he could never win because it was the right thing to do. The journalists should be held accountable for this sort of injustice. I hope those who love Erik get to know the truth, and the true offenders brought to judgment. Truly Erik was the victim. My condolences.


 

Isn't it amazing how someone who wasn't even there and doesn't know the whole story can post something positive about Erik? I was there that night and I think I'm one of the few people NOT giving Adrien_j9 shit about him. People can be so ignorant. Regardles of who did what, Erik paid with his LIFE. No one else can even compare. Man people need to start using their heads...ya know, that lump three feet up from their asses??


----------



## adrien_j9 (Oct 20, 2004)

Rocky_Road said:
			
		

> Isn't it amazing how someone who wasn't even there and doesn't know the whole story can post something positive about Erik? I was there that night and I think I'm one of the few people NOT giving Adrien_j9 shit about him. People can be so ignorant. Regardles of who did what, Erik paid with his LIFE. No one else can even compare. Man people need to start using their heads...ya know, that lump three feet up from their asses??



I talk to you everyday, you are my best friend.  I'm so proud to know you and have you in my life, you've been such a great support for me.  Ever wonder why I sit in front of my computer and talk about what happened?  Now you know, because the people I find online are so much better "friends" than the people I SEE everyday.  Thank you!


----------



## Rocky_Road (Oct 20, 2004)

adrien_j9 said:
			
		

> I talk to you everyday, you are my best friend. I'm so proud to know you and have you in my life, you've been such a great support for me. Ever wonder why I sit in front of my computer and talk about what happened? Now you know, because the people I find online are so much better "friends" than the people I SEE everyday. Thank you!


SHoot girl, you're making me blush!! That's what friends are for. (keep smilin', keep shinin', knowing you can always count on meeeeeee, fo shor, dats what friends are fooooooooooooooooo... )heehee. We've been friends 4-eva, (11 years to be exact.) I just want my goofy, crazy, yogurt-eating friend to be happy. Idn't dat sumpin???


----------



## adrien_j9 (Oct 20, 2004)

Idn't da Lawd, good?


----------



## BoneCrusher (Oct 20, 2004)

Hiya AAaayyyydrien.  I saw your web site.  Is that you on the left?  You one fine ezzzample of the female species.  Just came by to say hello     and that I hope you have a good day tommarrow.


----------



## adrien_j9 (Oct 21, 2004)

Hey BC!  No, the girl on my site isn't me.  I just love the picture, it's so expressive.  Maybe someday I'll post a pic of me, but it won't be anytime soon.  Today's been pretty good, so far!  Weekend's coming - YEY!!!  Hope you're having a great day as well!


----------



## adrien_j9 (Oct 21, 2004)

Today was a great day.  A little sad in the beginning, but great by the day's end.  I had my therapy session today.  I truly believe it will help pull my pity party ass out of this rut.
I also spoke w/ my Pastor and my Doctor, who just happen to be married to each other.  All in all, this was a great day.  Special thanks, AGAIN, to Sheila, for being HIGHLY entertaining and finishing my night splendidly!!!  Love you, girl!!!


----------



## adrien_j9 (Oct 22, 2004)

Reflective mood today.  Full of memories and bitersweet longings.  Ahh well.  To force myself to remember, nothing I do or say, no amount of tears that I shed, will bring him back.  He will live on in my memories only.  I am glad that it's the weekend.  No reason to arise early tomorrow morning.  Just me, pajamas, my dog, and makeshift family.


----------



## adrien_j9 (Oct 23, 2004)

It's rainy and nasty outside today.  My emotions are on too much of a rollercoaster, to not be affected by the dreariness of it.  I know how to get myself out of this funk, and it's time I put my plan into effect.  Sitting and listening to depressing music and obsessing over what cannot change will improve nothing.  Just my headache.  Just my grouchiness.  Time to get rolling.  Five weeks today he was attacked.  Still miss you, every hour.  Every minute.


----------



## OceanDude (Oct 23, 2004)

Melissa,
I finally caught up on this thread since learning of your tragedy. You know my personal thoughts. Publicly I will state that I am overcome with indignation at the injustice and the irony of people who were trying to "protect" you all from leaving the party due to concerns about driving under the influence being involved with his death. Incompetence and failure of apparent noble intent is perhaps human but clearly no one had the sense to just back away and leave the man to his peace. Only God knows what really happened but I think it likely something  made him feel the need to protect the thing he truly loved - You. Why else were you not struck in the frenzy? Do not blame yourself for this since he clearly died for something that he felt was worth fighting for. Many men have the capacity for such sacrifice and commitment but few find the thing in life that they judge precious enough to die for. Clearly he found that precious thing in you.

God Bless,
OD (Jim)


----------



## adrien_j9 (Oct 23, 2004)

OD, thank you so much for your words.  They truly mean the world to me.  Honestly, it's thoughts like these from people here and few other places that keep me going.  Everyday is hard.  To see past the scum of the planet to view the beauty that's actually here, buried just beneath the surface, is difficult, but when witnessed: refreshing, comforting, and gives me reason to believe it "ain't all bad."  Thank you, OD, for being able to see the real truth of that event.  It reaffirms my belief in humanity.  Thank you!


----------



## adrien_j9 (Oct 25, 2004)

Today's been a good day.  I found out that I will receive my massage table on Wednesday!!  This is awesome because I can finally start accepting clients!  Life isn't too bad right now.

There hasn't been any news of Erik's investigation, which sucks, but I'm not dwelling on it as much today as I usually do.  I did find out today, that Erik's corneas were donated to a woman in Michigan who can now see because of them.  His organs were donated to three men in Michigan, though I don't know which organs, and to whom they were donated.  It's nice to know that Erik is still helping people, even after death.  
I heard some other things as well, some not-so-flattering things about me.  But it's to be expected.  I don't expect certain people to like me at all.  Rather, I'm more surprised that other actions haven't been taken.  I'm promised a good ol' "spit in the eye" if I'm ever in contact with one person.  That's just gross!  Exchange of bodily fluids in that matter are both repulsive, and....icky.  I'd thought about contacting this person before I heard that, to try and explain to her who I am, where I'm coming from, and what I felt.  Now, however, I think it may be a good idea to let sleeping dogs lay.  Besides, I'd probably vomit all over her if she did, indeed, spit in my face.  Disgusting!
Overall, life is slowing moving forward, rather I'm slowly integrating myself back into life.  Still love Erik to pieces.  Still miss him like crazy, but I firmly believe he's still with me, so I get by each day.


----------



## adrien_j9 (Oct 25, 2004)

I was just reading through some of the posts here.  It's the first time I've looked through them since he died.  I didn't read my posts, and I don't know when I'll be able to, but it was reassuring to read through everyone's responses.  As though they were given anew.  I'm astonished at the compassion and care at this website.  I belong to a Grief Therapy website and I dont receive nearly the number of responses that I have here.  That really says something about IM.  
It's so weird that Erik's body parts are alive and kicking in other people.  People that I'll never know.  Maybe I met the person at the gas station today.  I don't know if I posted this or not, but his heart was so big, strong, and so healthy, that the Doctors didn't know if they'd be able to find someone in need who had the space to case it.  That makes me so proud of Erik.  He did have a huge heart, literally and figuratively.  I'll be so excited for the investigation to be finished so that all matters of the case can be fixed.  There is so much that the public does not know, so much that I'm bursting to tell.  I've never been any good at keeping secrets, but so far, so good.  Four people have had their lives saved because of Erik.  One person can see life moving and changing around her because of him.  What a phenomenal gift he gave this planet.  Even after death, he continues to give.  I can only hope that one day I will be as great a person as he was.  I love you Erik.  I miss you so much.  But you know this because you see everything.  I love you and I will never forget.  Goodnight, Baby.


----------



## adrien_j9 (Oct 28, 2004)

Today's therapy session was a success.  Overall, today has been a great day.  Maybe it's because I'm getting the hell out of town tomorrow that makes today great.  Maybe it's because I don't have school tomorrow and can actually get some chores accomplished.  Maybe it's because I had a decent conversation with Erik's son's mom.  Whichever the case may be, today has been great.  I still think about Erik, all of the time.  I guess I feel a little bit of contentment knowing that he's still with me.  I have my massage table and clients lined up, rent is paid (THANK GOD!) and have money to buy food.  Yes, life is good.  Of course, I finished a lengthy paper for class early this morning - 3am to be exact - and that's off my shoulders.  Nothing like pushing it to the very last minute!
I sent the boys a short note, to the point, and am content to leave it at that.  I'm also in Chrono's story which thrusts me out of "newbie" status!  
Tomorrow when my roomie gets out of work, we're heading to the place that Erik and I first hiked.  It's a beautiful area, with a hidden lake deep in the woods.  We'll walk the Pier Marquette river, watch the fly fisherman - as they never take breaks, and sink back into our roots.  Camping, bonfire, and the sounds of nature have a holistic feel all their own.  The smells of a forest, the sights, the animals...it's heaven.  And the best part?  Almost no interaction with the human species, except the fisherman, but they are a breed all their own - one that I love.  It's quite breathtaking to sit and watch a fly fisherman as he rythmically casts his line...  I'm in Heaven thinking about it and am busting to leave now.  It'll be cold, but somehow the chill adds to the smell of the woods, almost as though colder weather were an intensifier.  I'm not sure if we'll tent it, or use my Aunt's cabin.  Whichever, it will be a great trip, one that I need to rejuvinate my soul.  I'll write in my journal, talk with Erik, cry and rejoice.  I can smell the pine trees already...


----------



## adrien_j9 (Nov 1, 2004)

I just discovered some new information about the night that Erik died.  It refreshes the whole evening, and reopens the wounds.  Erik dropped the tire iron!!!!  He'd put it down!!!  He was taking control of the situation, trying to stop it by dropping his weapon WHILE surrounded by everyone at that party, and thus totally defenseless.  Guess what happened!!!!!  Some stupid motherfucker started taunting him.  "Not such a big man without that tire iron, now are you?"  And he picked it back up.  WHY WOULD SOMEONE SAY THAT?  Why would you taunt someone who was cornered and scared?  If they hadn't said that, he'd probably still be alive.  Fuck that, he WOULD be alive.  
What do I do with this new bit of information?
When does this end???


----------



## greekblondechic (Nov 1, 2004)

I've not been in this thread because I did not feel I could begin to understand your pain or that my words would help.  I am very terribly sorry about the whole situation, and I am sorry for this new info.  People are stupid, they say very stupid things.  I wish I could be of more help  *HUGS* The wound may be reopened, but all your healing to this point has not gone lost.  You've been incredibly strong, even if you see yourself as otherwise.


----------



## adrien_j9 (Nov 1, 2004)

Thank you, it means a lot to me, your post.  I don't feel so strong right now.  I know I've made progress, but feel like this news sets me back to the very beginning stage.  I can't believe that something like this could have changed the outcome of the whole night.  I feel betrayed all over again, knowing that people heard that callous comment, yet didn't tell me.  I've begged everyone there that I know to tell me everything about that night, and can't help feeling like I've been lied to.  It's an eye opener knowing that the friends I thought I had were no friends at all.  It really hurts my feelings.


----------



## MTN WARRIOR (Nov 1, 2004)

Well Adrian, I won't comment on any specifics as I dont know any of you and I wasnt there to judge either party, but I will say that "Time ATTEMPTS to heal all wounds".  13 years ago I lost the most important person in my life.  My hero, my idol, my mentor, the person I wanted to be most like:  my dad.  He was a great soldier, father, husband and friend.  What I lost with him passing away could never possible be replaced.  I went to counseling for a LONG time to attempt to get over it.  IT never completely worked.  I am still in a state of disbelief 13 years later. IT still hurts, just less often. It is still devastating, just not as constant.  Please do not be fooled that you will ever get over it or be "healed" by any counseling.  IT just gets a little better and more controlled over time.  Good counseling will work wonders, but not to 100% the way you would like.  My advice, for what it is worth, face reality and work towards acceptance and moving on.  Your life should not revolve around his past or your past with him.  Every third word should not be his name.  ITs hard, but I believe you are strong and sane enough to push forward in a positive way.  I don't claim to be a counselor, but I have two ears, so feel free to contact me anytime if you need to chat or vent.

Peace and love


----------



## Rocky_Road (Nov 1, 2004)

Melissa,

This is the first that I have heard this at all. I hope you believe me. I def. would have told you that. I was in the woods at the time that that must have been said. We didn't come back up to where you and Erik were until we saw your dad and the police. I don't know why someone would say that. How stupid. Do you know who said it? If so I'd call and let Lew know.  I'm so sorry that you feel betrayed all over again. Like I said, this is the first I've heard about it. I'm always here for you...


----------



## BoneCrusher (Nov 1, 2004)

Just be proud of your own inner strength Adrien, and know that your own inner power will get you through this no matter what comes from it.  The ups and downs will still come and go.  You will continue to grow and repair your life through it all ... no matter what!!


----------



## adrien_j9 (Nov 2, 2004)

Voting day today, thank God it'll soon be over.  The arguing, that is.  Whomever wins we'll have to deal with tomorrow.  I know who I'm voting for, and I'm proud of my decision and I know someone else would be too.
Today's been a great day, so far.  Yesterday was interesting, to say the least.  But today, as always, is a new day.
I've found a great friend in Erik's sister.  She's kind and thoughtful, funny and bright.  She and I are very much alike.  Poor her, lucky me!  I do wonder when the hype will die down.  In the last two days I've learned a lot.  I'm becoming content with the situations as they arise.  I'm getting through it all.  A lot has changed and my life will never ever be the same, but this experience has taught me about so many things.  About love; loss; friendships; and trust.  I look forward, each day, to the time that I'll be with Erik again, but until then, I know that I need to move forward with my life.  It's time to get the show on the road, so to speak.


----------



## adrien_j9 (Nov 4, 2004)

It's raining and cold outside today, very dreary.  I don't know if it's the weather, but I'm sad today.  Life is getting better as time passes, I recognize this, but I still have so many hours of each day that are sad and painful.  Thoughts of two months ago, my life in Heaven, invade my daily living and it reminds me of what I lost.  It's selfish, really.  Completely selfish.  *I* am suffering, Erik isn't.  He's thrilled, he's ecstatic, elated, and peaceful.  I'm not.  Well, sometimes I have peaceful moments.  I suppose it may be bacuse I haven't been to his grave site in a week, not to mention that I still have yet to visit his grave at the Veteran's cemetary.  How strange, that I fear seeing his headstone with his beautiful name engraved in it.  My house is still full of pictures and the flowers from our funeral for him, so there is the constant reminder of Erik.  I could never remove any of it, though.  To do so would be removing my heart from my body.  It's here to stay, or at least as long as I'm here.  Ahhh...so much to do.........no motivation to do it.  Homework, work, parenting, friendships, family.  Time to get some stuff done.  I love you baby, and still miss you!


----------



## Rocky_Road (Nov 7, 2004)

I just wanted to post a little something. I know how important it is to you to keep this thread alive and I understand why. I'm so glad that you and Emily are starting to work things out. It so important for Adrien. 
You should get some answers this week and maybe even some closure.. We'll see.
Thinking of you always,
Shla


----------



## Rich46yo (Nov 7, 2004)

Boy this is terrible. I remember him well and just saw this post for the first time. Its brings back bad memories of all the young kids Ive seen dead on the street over the last 21 years. All of it over nothing, all of it senseless. How quick people are to kill nowdays, and how little is the respect for life.

                       Im truly sorry Melissa. To you, his friends, and his family. I wish I had words to lessen your pain but I dont. All I can tell you to do is to picture him looking down on you, which he is, and imagine what he would say to you. I bet he'd say he wants you to find a way to heal and move on with your life, and to find happiness again.....................................Rich


----------



## adrien_j9 (Nov 8, 2004)

The verdict is in.  The people responsible for Erik's death, literally got away with murder.  No fees, no jail time, no restitution to his sons.  Nothing.  Nothing but a happy life free of all guilt and problems.
There's a demonstration of the American justice system.  God bless the USA


----------



## Rocky_Road (Nov 9, 2004)

Hey hon. I know how badly you wanted them to pay for what they did. I'm sorry. I can't speak for Allan, but knowing Brandon and seeing how upset he was, I'm sure he'll always have an unbelievable amount of guilt over this. You know Brandon. I know that doesn't make it okay or any better, but you have to believe that. Love you.  *hugs*


----------



## adrien_j9 (Nov 9, 2004)

Brandon hit Erik so hard in the face that it cracked the baseball bat.  The Brandon I know would NEVER have done that.  That's evil.  It's malicious.  I don't know what I wanted for them, but a free pass was definately NOT it.  They didn't even get a slap on the hands.  No reprimands, nothing.  Just (maybe) a lifetime of guilt, which for Brandon at least, I highly doubt will happen.  
Allan was the lesser of the two evils.  He half-assed hit Erik with his flashlight, Brandon beat him three times with the bat, in the neck, head, and shoulder.  So no, I don't know Brandon.  Not at all.  But I WILL be talking with him.  Very, very soon.  He has some questions to answer, even if I have to corner him at his workplace.


----------



## Rocky_Road (Nov 9, 2004)

Just don't do anything crazy....


----------



## Rich46yo (Nov 9, 2004)

Your going to have to let this go Melissa. Dont go looking for answers when there are none, and there never is when theres a senseless death of a person thru violence. If no charges were brought against this guy its because the prosecutors either believed no crime was commited or there isnt enough evidence to charge and convict. "I assumed they interviewed you as well"?

                          I also assume your posting all this because you also want input from other people. I think it would be a good thing for you to E-mail the moderators and ask them to delete this thread and all of Eriks still on the server. Not today, and maybe you want to talk it over with your therapist first, But your going to have to let it go. It sounds like he loved you too, believe me, he'd want you to let it go.

                          There have been many times Ive had to speak to parents and loved ones after their kid or family has been killed. Sometimes from car accidents, occasionaly from other accidents, and to many times from homocide. Figuring I always owed them the truth I normally say the same thing to them, "Im sorry and I wish I had the words to bring you comfort","but I dont". Im saying the same to you now, and Im also saying your going to have to let yourself heal from it. The only answers your going to get that make any sense will maybe come from sitting in a church. Chasing around people who were involved will get you none, people often become animals when their high or drinking.

                           Nobody knows what Gods plan is Melissa. Brandon and Allen are still going to have a trial one day, and there arent going to be any slick lawyers around for that one. For now tho your going to have to take care of yourself and not worry about them..................just think awhile about what Im telling you here today and take care of yourself...................Rich


----------



## adrien_j9 (Nov 9, 2004)

No, they never interviewed me.


----------



## OceanDude (Nov 9, 2004)

Melissa, be calm.
Jim


----------



## adrien_j9 (Nov 9, 2004)

I just spoke with Brandon.  People keep asking me why I'm doing this, why I don't just let it go.  I don't know what I'm supposed to say, other than I know myself, and I know what's best for me.  And I was right.  After talking with Brandon I feel better.  I can finally put that aspect of that night behind me.  I have questions that are so very important to me that the side effects are worth the answers.  So maybe I'll hear something that I won't like.  Nothing could or will be worse than Erik's death.  So, I'm covered.  
For the first time, I think anyway, I feel hopeful, truly hopeful, no show or song and dance.  But honest and pure hope for tomorrow.  Regardless, I've proven that I can take care of myself.  Afterall, I'm still alive, aren't I?  I'm not doing so bad.


----------



## Rich46yo (Nov 10, 2004)

adrien_j9 said:
			
		

> No, they never interviewed me.



                       They never interviewed a witness to a violent death and possible homicide?????????? Then you have a legitimate complaint. If you saw something that doesn't jibe with the official version then without question gnaw on it like a dog with an old bone. Hire a lawyer, write congressman,senators,prosecutors,newspapers, and crawl up their asses so far they smell your hair spray.

                     But be prepared for hard questions, investigators digging into your past, Eriks past, and be prepared for the making of enemies that will last a lifetime. Personally, if it was me and I saw an injustice in the investigation of a friends murder? I'll look the devil in the eye and tell him to get fucked. I'm 47yo, have peaked in my profession, and don't much give a damn.

                   But you have to weigh it. You have to weigh what you saw that night; you have to weigh how high you were; you have to weigh what Eriks actions were. But frankly for the Police to have not interviewed a material witness is inexcusable. What we do is immediately separate everyone, dont allow them to talk to each other, and conduct separate interviews with each witness. We will often fill a Public Bus with witnesses, station an officer on the bus, and enforce the no talk order. And we have every right to detain a witness as long as we need to, even to charge them with interfering with an investigation if they do not answer questions. A dead body on the street is a serious thing. Even then you get many conflicting accounts of the incident. Most of all when people have been drinking, were high, or have a personal relationship with either offender or victim.

                Theres a ton I don't know about this. And I'm in no position to make any judgments. But I cannot understand why a material witness wasn't interviewed. There is no statute of limitations on homicide, only the rule of double jeopardy. And that only applies when someone is found innocent in a court of law, and cannot be re-tried for the same crime. There was no trial in this case, which means it can easily be re-opened.

              Which leads to the questions, "were your own observations clouded by your personal relationship with the victim,or, by booze or drugs"? IF? This victim was down on the ground,helpless, no longer a threat, and still beaten with a deadly weapon? Then its homicide, probably in the form of manslaughter. If this is the case then you have a legitimate beef and should pursue it. If you do pursue it, and I would if these were the facts, then get used to the questions your hearing from me because your going to hear them a lot more.

            Personally? If I thought my friend was killed by homicide and the authorities dropped the ball? I'd never "let it go".........Rich


----------



## adrien_j9 (Nov 10, 2004)

I sent an email to the Prosecuting Attorney this afternoon.  I'd discovered a few new twists to Erik's death, and informed her of them.  She told me that her decision was final.  I have run out of moves.  It's up to Erik's family now, whether they will pursue his death any further.  
I don't know what else I can do.


----------



## Rocky_Road (Nov 10, 2004)

Rich46yo said:
			
		

> What we do is immediately separate everyone, dont allow them to talk to each other, and conduct separate interviews with each witness. We will often fill a Public Bus with witnesses, station an officer on the bus, and enforce the no talk order. And we have every right to detain a witness as long as we need to, even to charge them with interfering with an investigation if they do not answer questions. A dead body on the street is a serious thing. Even then you get many conflicting accounts of the incident. Most of all when people have been drinking, were high, or have a personal relationship with either offender or victim.
> 
> Rich


 
I was there that night and I just wanted to say that doing the above was impossible because instead of sending the city police out, we had to wait for the county police to arrive. The house is just outside city limits so the city police would not respond. They could have been there in 5 minutes, but because it was outside of city limits we had to wait over 20 minutes for the county police. It was handled very poorly in my opinion. We even called the city police department (after calling 911) to beg them to come out because someone had a gun and they STILL would not come. Therefore, we all were allowed to talk amongst ourselves for quite a while before anyone was there. Even then we were not separated. I was injured so they wanted my picture and my statement right away and my husband was allowed to stand right there with me. I'd be pissed if I were Melissa. I even asked the officer who interviewed me if he needed to talk to Melissa and he said "no, she is intoxicated and uncooperative." Hmm... it was a party, we were all intoxicated and I never saw Melissa being "uncooperative" at all. They def. could have handled it better.


----------



## BoneCrusher (Nov 10, 2004)

This situation is way bigger than you, has been so messed up by the people that should have solved it, and is completely out of your hands to control now Adrien.  You have already taken control of your life and re-set your path in it.  Please don't let all this mind melting news change your progress or hinder your growth.  I guess all I am trying to say is please don't let your life be messed up again by things you cannot change as you seek some sort of closure to all this.  Ask your self what Eric would expect you to do, reconcile yourself with what your needs are, and screw everything else.  You've done great and deserve the forward momentum you have gained.  You'll find your closure in your own time and in your own way ... be patient.  Closure is not something you can force.  

Your Friend,
Larry


----------



## LAM (Nov 11, 2004)

adrien_j9 said:
			
		

> I sent an email to the Prosecuting Attorney this afternoon.  I'd discovered a few new twists to Erik's death, and informed her of them.  She told me that her decision was final.  I have run out of moves.  It's up to Erik's family now, whether they will pursue his death any further.
> I don't know what else I can do.



write your congressman and the Michigan Attorney General...


----------



## OceanDude (Nov 11, 2004)

Melissa,
As you already know I am very empathetic to your situation but mostly want you to come to some peace in this and not torment yourself. Thus reaffirming my support I will also offer some additional comments from my perspective of this that are more general. I do not want to add to your suffering by raising additional things that may only agitate you but now I am agitated too about the apparent injustice in this.  A man has died in an unnatural way at the hands of other men and someone has decided that there is no interest to the citizens of the state to pursue it further. My blood is boiling too since I see this possibly as more a case of incompetence and laziness of the elected and paid for officials. Eric payed taxes for a justice system and he payed with his life for a tragic interaction with drunken men and "someone" decides  "this matter is concluded and we will do no more".

This whole tragic situation has caused me to think very deeply about the adequacy and properness of our whole legal "process". I find it lacking that a single person can act as judge, jury and coroner in this episode (and in all such cases) and decide that there is no infraction or there is no interest in the state in pursuing this matter (perhaps for the opinion of a single person that the state can not prove criminal intent or civil disorder). Again, I do not want to agitate your own tortured state of mind on this but it seems to me that there is a case, certainly in the civil domain, for potential manslaughter charges. The fundamental thing that bothers me is how a *single* person (the state prosecutor) can all by themselves justly and competently deny a hearing for justice in a formal court of law. I have never personally been involved with any legal dispute so this is all new to me and now I am shocked at learning what our system is. It seems very illogical to me that a justice system with all these built in appeal mechanisms that focus on the perspective of the accused have no such built in compassions for the possible victim. If a single representative of the state decides that there is no case then it is dead and their "final decision". Where is the appeal process for those that advocate that there was a victim here? I am outraged and if the situation were mine I would probably go right at the state prosecutor and raise her anxiety levels to something close to what Eric must have felt on that night with threats of personal law suits, charging incompetence with her boss and threating her economic situation and putting her entire career on the line. She is just taking the easy way out in this and does not want to spend the time on something that she thinks will not further her career and is less focused on justice than on her own career interests. I really can't rationally say that without knowing all the facts but I am mad now too.

Good Bless You,
Jim


----------



## Rich46yo (Nov 11, 2004)

First off forget the E-mails. Sit down and write letters, and make copies of them before you send them. Call news agencies, call your Governor office, your senator, your state rep, even write George Bush. Nothing is "final" so don't let them bullshit you. The only "final" is when a judge cracks his gavel down and that aint happened yet. "IF" a adjoining police agency failed to respond to such an incident then you have an even bigger beef. I know we have the adjacent jurisdiction rule and I would assume you do to, "tho I don't really know". Its possible they dispatch from a different center,maybe have a different radio frequency, there might be contention between the two agencys, and its possible they did everything right.

                                Another reason to quit, or to limit your drinking, is that the authorities will not put as much credence in the testimony of someone who has a personal relationship with either party,AND, was also intoxicated. Thats just the way it is. And it IS true much of what now happens is up to his blood family. They also have the civil law route and can also go after whoever it was that hosted this party.

                               But the bottom line is that nobody here knows what happened that night. Not me, not Ocean Dude, not anyone. Unless you were there! And we werent!..........................Rich


----------



## adrien_j9 (Nov 11, 2004)

Well, the host of the party was my father, who wasn't down there at the time of the fight.  It sounds like his wife isn't planning on suing my father, but who knows at this point.  I've spoken with his sister who is trying to pursuade his wife to take further action.  If it is against my father, then so be it.  Justice needs to be served honestly and without prejudice.  Erik's death demands it.


----------



## adrien_j9 (Nov 14, 2004)

Had a great getaway this weekend.  Hiked for hours on Saturday, worked on school papers, watched movies, sat at a bonfire.  I wish I were still there!  Two more weeks, may find me there - yet again!


----------



## adrien_j9 (Nov 29, 2004)

Wanting to go to your grave, but my vehicles aren't allowing it.  I shouldn't have waited so long to post here.  It doesn't matter what is happening at IMF, it shouldn't affect my posts for Erik.  So I'm sitting here, skipping school, and trying to get to Battle Creek.  I hope it works out, I'm finally ready to go there and face the facts.  Now I just hope that some miracle happens so I can get there.  I love you Erik.


----------



## Flex (Nov 29, 2004)

Hi Adrian,   

i hope its getting better, hun


----------



## adrien_j9 (Nov 29, 2004)

Has it's ups and downs, that's for sure.  Thanks for stopping in, Flex.  I really appreciate it!


----------



## PreMier (Nov 29, 2004)

Glad to see you back around Adrien.  I was wondering where you had gone off to.


----------



## Rich46yo (Nov 30, 2004)

Tomorrows always a new day, and your going to be fine. Thats a traumatic situation for anyone to go thru. We are all just flesh and blood. A few months ago I had to transport the body of a murdered kid. His family was in the hospital near where we had to wheel him by so I went up to them, gave them my sympathy, and told them what we had to do. I also told them I didnt want them to see it and be further traumatized. The father said to me, "I hope you take good care of him when you take him". I told him, "for the next 1/2 hour your son is going to be like my own son".

                      When you lose a loved one there is never really a complete healing. Sure time helps, and maybe counsleing. But it never really goes completely away. Im not sure thats all a bad thing. And maybe, as Lincoln had said it, that attachement to others is one of the better Angels of our nature. If we can learn to extend that to people we dont know then maybe this wretched species has a chance.

                      Your going to be OK Melissa, and you go ahead and heal in your own time..................theres no hurry.....................Rich


----------



## Newt (Dec 1, 2004)

I'm very sorry to hear about your loss.  I never talked to him since I'm new on the sight, but I'm sure he'll be missed.


----------



## adrien_j9 (Dec 1, 2004)

Thanks for stopping by, all.
After a brief lull in dramatics, it's flaring up again, but (and for the first time) I'm not the target.  His money hungry wife is.  Peeling away large sums of mula from Erik's Dad, specific amount - undisclosed.  And is (or so the gossip mill states) going after Erik's sons SS benefits for her children.  Many have informed me of this, many that would know truth from fiction.  
I think it's great that his parents are so loving and supportive, however they've mistakenly placed the money in the wrong hands.  His SONS should be receiving any and ALL benefits, as they are the ones more horribly destroyed than all of the rest of us.  
For my own selfish benefit, some of his family are coming around and aren't dripping with hatred for me.  I've even received a compliment (back handed, but compliment nonetheless,) from one who earlier abhorred me.  Everyone is angry, and justifiably so, but I think some are realizing that I didn't weild the deadly weapon that night.  Eases my self torment some.
Each week has me in therapy and it's going well.  I laugh, I smile, I play, I work out.  I'm teaching now, full time, and still working in massage.  Life is slowly picking back up, but to "borrow" someone's quote, I have my good days and bad days.


----------



## adrien_j9 (Jan 11, 2005)

I was coaxed here, again.  You know who you are, thanks for the IM's.  Life is full of changes right now, and though most haven't been great, a huge positive change is soon to happen, one that has me waking up anxious and excited most days.  As always, there has been a lot of drama, more than I have to time to catch up on.  To those who remember me well, hello and I hope you are doing well!


----------



## Du (Jan 11, 2005)

Good to see you back.


----------



## BoneCrusher (Jan 11, 2005)

Hello Adrien ... nice ta see ya!


----------



## min0 lee (Jan 11, 2005)




----------



## Vieope (Jan 11, 2005)

_Hey Adrien  _


----------



## maniclion (Jan 11, 2005)

Yo Adrien!


----------



## Rocky_Road (Jan 23, 2005)

Where you been, hookah???


----------



## adrien_j9 (Jan 30, 2005)

Ass, you know where I've been, you've been there with me!
Not much to report that is of any interest to those here.  A move is in the near future, as is a new career.  I've been teaching children self defense against all types of child predators.  I love this job, but it pays NO bills!

You soon may here my voice on the other end of the AAA team.  Stranded somewhere?  I'll help!


----------



## greekblondechic (Jan 30, 2005)

Welcome back Adrien *Hugs*


----------



## Rocky_Road (Feb 12, 2005)

adrien_j9 said:
			
		

> Ass, you know where I've been, you've been there with me!
> Not much to report that is of any interest to those here. A move is in the near future, as is a new career. I've been teaching children self defense against all types of child predators. I love this job, but it pays NO bills!
> 
> You soon may here my voice on the other end of the AAA team. Stranded somewhere? I'll help!


That's true, you and I were both in this little place I like to call "Psycho-ville." Wasn't the weather great there while it lasted??


----------



## adrien_j9 (Oct 12, 2005)

It's been over a year & life is still moving forward.  Erik's 39th birthday is coming up on the 17th.  Now I know I sound obsessed still - maybe I am, but I've learned so much about life and who I am, that I'll never forget all that was.  

I've been able to partially maintain relationships with Erik's boys, and I thank God for that.  He would be so damn proud of them!  They are superstars both at school and outside of school.  Erik's sister has become one of my closest, most cherished friends.

I'm living at his cottage now, and fixing it up everyday.  You may think that sounds psychotic as well.  That's okay, it brings me peace (not your opinion!  The cottage!!   )  

I've gone back to fighting and am in the birthing stages of opening my own small town business, catering to people with talents as yet unrecognized.  It's thrilling and eats away the lonliness that Erik's death has brought.

I hope everyone who remebers me here is well & also have MISSED ME LIKE CRAZY!!!!  Am I reaching?  To those of you who don't remember me, I hope you're having a great day also, and begin to MISS ME LIKE CRAZY!!!


----------



## maniclion (Oct 12, 2005)

Hi adrien I'm glad you've found peace in that maelstrom you were caught up in.  What kind of talents are you helping people recognize?


----------



## BUSTINOUT (Oct 13, 2005)

Glad to hear you are making process.  This is one guy that does not think you are crazy.  Healing is a strange process and we all do it differently.  Good luck in your new endeavor.


----------



## min0 lee (Oct 13, 2005)

Well hello there, long time no see.

Hey! You just hit the magical number.


----------



## maniclion (Oct 13, 2005)

min0 lee said:
			
		

> Well hello there, long time no see.
> 
> Hey! You just hit the magical number.


I thought in Min0 world the magic number was 669?


----------



## min0 lee (Oct 13, 2005)




----------



## adrien_j9 (Oct 13, 2005)

Okay, I'm confused... what's the magic number all about?  Hello everyone, how are you?


----------



## Vieope (Oct 13, 2005)

_Hi adrien, it is good to know you are getting better. 
We talked about you a few days ago in this thread.
http://www.ironmagazineforums.com/showthread.php?t=54637

I wonder how Myk knows you.  _


----------



## BoneCrusher (Oct 14, 2005)

I knew you'd come through alive and swinging for the fences.  Nice to see it .


----------



## adrien_j9 (Dec 8, 2005)

The days have passed relatively similarly since Erik's death.  Good days now outweighing the bad days as only time will offer.  It's strange how the past catches up to you, though.  I'm sitting here at work, in a new location, and discover that my new neighbor is great friends with the man who's partially responsible for Erik's death - the very same man whom I've heard nothing from nor about.  Needless to say, today is an odd day.


----------



## bulletproof1 (Dec 8, 2005)

has it been a year yet?


----------



## FishOrCutBait (Dec 8, 2005)

Wow, I just read this. Im sorry this whole event came to pass, and I pray that The Lord could make things right in your heart, so you can remember his life more than his death...


----------



## adrien_j9 (Dec 9, 2005)

Bulletproof: it's been a year and 3 months already.  Crazy, huh?!

FishOrCutBait: Thank you so much for your kind words, I hope the same!


----------



## adrien_j9 (Mar 11, 2006)

Hello everyone!

Erik's family and I have built a memorial website for him and I just thought to add it to this page if anyone is interested.

www.erik-bohn.memory-of.com

I hope everyone is doing well!!


----------



## min0 lee (Mar 11, 2006)

adrien_j9 said:
			
		

> Hello everyone!
> 
> Erik's family and I have built a memorial website for him and I just thought to add it to this page if anyone is interested.
> 
> ...


 
Very nicely done


----------



## DOMS (Mar 11, 2006)

This is a great pic:


----------



## adrien_j9 (Mar 11, 2006)

Thank you!  I took that picture myself.  ) Min0!  Glad to see you!!


----------



## Dale Mabry (Mar 11, 2006)

Cool site, I peeped it.


----------



## BigDyl (Mar 11, 2006)




----------



## adrien_j9 (Mar 11, 2006)

It's a work in progress, but I'm excited to build it.  Thanks for the compliment!


----------



## Rocky_Road (Mar 28, 2006)

Small world, eh Mel? I was just playing around on the computer tonight and for shits and giggles I checked out this site again. Imagine my shock that you too, had been on this month. We used to LOVE coming to this site. Don't get me wrong - I still like it, I just don't have the time to be on here anymore.

Wuv ewe.

BTW - are we going to go sing on Friday?? New contest and all....


----------



## MyK (Mar 28, 2006)

Rocky_Road said:
			
		

> Small world, eh Mel? I was just playing around on the computer tonight and for shits and giggles I checked out this site again. Imagine my shock that you too, had been on this month. We used to LOVE coming to this site. Don't get me wrong - I still like it, I just don't have the time to be on here anymore.
> 
> Wuv ewe.
> 
> BTW - are we going to go sing on Friday?? New contest and all....



I dunno, my throats been bothering me lately!

wuv ewe tuu!


----------



## Rocky_Road (Mar 29, 2006)

MyK said:
			
		

> I dunno, my throats been bothering me lately!
> 
> wuv ewe tuu!


 
Yeah - herpes in the throat suck, eh??


----------



## MyK (Mar 29, 2006)

Rocky_Road said:
			
		

> Yeah - herpes in the throat suck, eh??



I wouldnt know!

sorry about your condition though!!


----------



## Rocky_Road (Mar 30, 2006)

MyK said:
			
		

> I wouldnt know!
> 
> sorry about your condition though!!


 
Shoot, my bad. I thought YOU were the one with the unfortunate condition. Geez, what a miscommunication.


----------



## BigDyl (Mar 30, 2006)

MyK said:
			
		

> I wouldnt know!
> 
> sorry about your condition though!!


----------

