# Still a Struggle.....



## chiquita6683 (May 13, 2004)

So I just got home from the hospital this morning, It made me realize SO MUCH! I was putting way too much pressure on myself. I made alot of bad desicions.......it all built up. 

I'm just going 2 try to stay fit, without the pressure of a bodybuilding goal in mind. I mean that will be in the back of my mind but I think that'll happen  ONE day. I feel I'm too young, to be worried about diet ect

 I came up with the goal when I was really uninformed and out of shape. Now I've gotten myself in shape, learned alot about dieting, the industry ect. Been to a few competitions also. Bodybuilding has really helped my whole "comeback".

I'm at a turning point in my life, I said I want to "comeback" from my accidents and Be the Best I Can Be. I've come ALONG way, people tell me they're inspired by me. It makes me blush and say Thank You, they don't even know the whole story, but thats not important I've learned. It happened to me but I think I've accepted that finally. 

There is always some1 that has it worse than you do! 

I'm on a quest to get my independence! Though its not like I had it to begin with, I'm going to start more cognitive therapy and other things. 
I'm often inapropriate, I going to http://www.finr.org/
They will teach me community integration skill.

Ive always hated having to take medicine then I hated taking supplements worse! Now I'm not going to bother with supplements.........except vitamins and maybe herbs sometimes


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## greekblondechic (May 13, 2004)

Yay! Stay strong chiqy! You will achieve anything u want!


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## chiquita6683 (May 13, 2004)

thanx for your support!


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## Monolith (May 13, 2004)

I think youve made the best choice, Chiq.  You might have tried to do too much to begin with, before.  Just take it easy, dont stress over everything, and you'll soon be in the best shape youve ever been in - mentally and physically.


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## gwcaton (May 13, 2004)

Yeah ,  what Mono said !  

Good luck !


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## chiquita6683 (May 13, 2004)

yea i was really unhappy, my plane leaves @6am tomorrow w my sister and aunt.  im really nervous/intimidated, i cant beleive i just admitted that. my sister and father both cried tonite. 
 thanx for your support in the past as well as in the future.


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## Jill (May 13, 2004)

Good luck at your new place. Will you still be able to have access to a computer there??


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## chiquita6683 (May 21, 2004)

yea im scheduled in the computer lab for an hr 5d/w, but its on dialup which is frustrating when im spoiled by dsl 

oman, i HATE this place, some staffs gotta be up my ass 24/7.

my status was CVS for the 1st weekend till wednesday(thats Closed Visual status) right now im visual so i can be 20ft away, cvs was 3ft. everythings reported so i cant get all mad and stuff. i have to "earn" independence, and prove to them what i can do safely.
everythings taking FOREVER!!!!!
my next level is PC5, PC10, PC20, ect ect ect........means periodic check.
all the therapists are doing evaluations, AGAIN!   at the end of the month ill have a contract done, w an estimation of how long ill be here. i want to go home!

the phych ward was a sad place, it made me realize alot......
(i had a nervous breakdown, my dad sent me here the day after i got out) so i have to learn patience and responsibility now.

this is really keeping me from my goal(s) but  theyll have 2 wait i guess. 

omg every1 here is soo American! the staff and patients/clients are all OBESE and Chain smokers!!!! its so gross


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## gwcaton (May 21, 2004)

Hi Maria !
hang in there Baby !!!  You will do fine !


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## PreMier (May 21, 2004)

Hi chiquita!  Do as Gary says, and hang in there.


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## chiquita6683 (May 24, 2004)

I am sooo miserable!  
i miss my room, the gym, my life!
as hard as my life is/was, all this has made me realize how good i had it, im so spoiled


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## Monolith (May 24, 2004)

> _*Originally posted by chiquita6683 *_
> 
> 
> I am sooo miserable!
> ...



With all youve been through, this should seem like a vacation, Chiq!  Take advantage of the facilities where you are, and stay strong.  When you get out youll feel better than ever.


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## chiquita6683 (May 25, 2004)

> _*Originally posted by Monolith *_
> With all youve been through, this should seem like a vacation, Chiq!  Take advantage of the facilities where you are, and stay strong.  When you get out youll feel better than ever.



mon u always say just the right thing

it has gotten a lil better today,
and this place Is beautiful........i take a walk to the barn after dinner, its like their own petting zoo, theres lil piglets that feed on their mom round that time.

and that guy Solo is here 2, i taught him how to use his left hand to write w, i told him i had to finish hs and learn to write w it. he scribbled
i told every1 about him in my other journal i think, and posted a picture of us and his wife.
http://www.solopro.com 
he got in a motorcross accident.

well my times up


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## gwcaton (May 25, 2004)

Sounds like you are in a better frame of mind tioday , Good deal ! 

We miss you around here !  xoxoxo


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## Sapphire (May 25, 2004)

Hi Sweetie!  Hang in there!!


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## chiquita6683 (May 26, 2004)

ever since im not cvs theres no1 to take me on walks, ............even tho i HATE running and couldnt run at all be4, a neurologist said it something wrong w my muscle tone? 
i feel like im going stir crazy alot.....

so i started running around ina circle in front of my cabin, bc i cant leave my staff. and i actually got my roommate to start running too!  i was so proud! she said we're going to do that almost every night , she made an excersise plan and all

it just dawned on me that i have the kind of physique that people realize that im in shape(even tho i dont feel like it!)
u know i used to look at trainers and bbs when i was fat/depressed and out of shape like "wow" i am in awe of a bb, thats y i want to be 1!

People here look at me that way! they even tell me, lol they have brain damage 2 so its really inapropriate, but i just laugh bc i remember how i used 2 be.............i talked w the neurophsycologist 2day and he wants me to write out my goals and how im going to acheive em, easy task ive done be4

hey saphire, hey gary, premier, mon.........


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## gwcaton (Jun 1, 2004)

Hey Maria !  Aren't you getting any computer time anymore ?


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## chiquita6683 (Jun 2, 2004)

gwcaton said:
			
		

> Hey Maria !  Aren't you getting any computer time anymore ?



sure thing.........i just got so much going on  
too much to bother updateing.
have so much to say


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## gwcaton (Jun 2, 2004)

chiquita6683 said:
			
		

> sure thing.........i just got so much going on
> too much to bother updateing.
> have so much to say


Ok, just checking on you !


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## gwcaton (Jun 6, 2004)

*Happy Birthday Maria !!!!!*


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## PreMier (Jun 7, 2004)

Happy Birthday!


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## chiquita6683 (Jun 8, 2004)

thanx premeir! im the big 2-1, legal now........but i feel as tho ive Been an adult, stripped of my youth.
 my dad and his gf came down to see me, yea least i got outta my cabin, weekends r a bore here. got my PCs monday, um yay. means peiodic check, i gotta call my staff every 15 mins, itll increase weekly. 
 the neurophsycologist said ill get out to a duplex soon, i want to get to the group home in sarasota. im out in the middle of NO-WHERE
its miserable!
i was training 5days a week and eating 6times a day, to this shit. amillion carbs 3meals a day. im so dehydrated. training was a huge stress releiver too.
every1 is amazed @my skill-level compared w other clients. im probly a better swimmer than the lifeguard here. 
  ive come sucha long way, i feel really lucky, but i still want more!


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## chiquita6683 (Jun 21, 2004)

*have journal on paper will take time*



			
				chiquita6683 said:
			
		

> thanx premeir! im the big 2-1, legal now........but i feel as tho ive Been an adult, stripped of my youth.
> my dad and his gf came down to see me, yea least i got outta my cabin, weekends r a bore here. got my PCs monday, um yay. means peiodic check, i gotta call my staff every 15 mins, itll increase weekly.
> the neurophsycologist said ill get out to a duplex soon, i want to get to the group home in sarasota. im out in the middle of NO-WHERE
> its miserable!
> ...


      
lets just say alot happened and i  was angry, will type n paste soon


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## gwcaton (Jun 21, 2004)

Hi Maria !!!!! 

Long time no hear from ! Hang in there Babe ! You are right , you have come a long way . Don't even think about giving up or anything like that. show them what you are made of !!!! Go Maria !!!!!!!


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## chiquita6683 (Jun 23, 2004)

6-17-04
So I had my first "staffing"-the meeting where they give their impression of me after a month's evaluation..... It was really positive.
 Being here is so different, what an expeience. It's opened my mind in many ways, thats the positive way of saying I'm miserable. 

 This place is called Florida Institute for Neurological Rehabilitation. So pretty much I need to go through 4 weeks(of hell) to get to the "duplex", get a job in the community and prove to them that I can be INDEPENDENT. That is my goal in life, my father, sister, and therapists all want that for me too. 

In my other journal/posts I was focused on competeing so much, it was like after my accidents I threw myself into training/dieting ect. bc I had nothing else positive to do in my life besides rehab. So I got super-focused on that and it led up to a nervous breakdown. I went off my meds (not intentionally) and everything made me so anxious, the cooking all my food ect, having to take a cab to and from the gym and also having to train w a personal trainer every session made me have feelings of worthlessness like i was ignorant, in the beginning I couldnt even cook on my own. I've come a long way, should be happy w my life, but I'm not.

I want the absolute MOST out of life. 

There were times after my first accident that my speech was so slow and monotoned that people treated/looked at me different, its been frustrating. It's like "I wasn't always like this, I'm not dumb!". After the 2nd accident, I gained over 50lbs bc of a steriod they gave me during a craniotomy, + my diet/lifestyle didnt help. 

I realized I was fat/depressed, made positive diet/lifestyle changes but I got into it TOO MUCH TOO SOON. I agree w my family and everyone else, I was too stringent. I was training 5 days/week +cardio and I tried a few weeks of a carb cycle/cutting diet, got to 18% bf looked great, healthy, was the best I could have been physically but I was so unhappy and cranky all the time. + I didn’t enjoy life, friends, family ect.

6-18-04
so all of fucking FINR's rules drove me to freakin out Again.
	but I mean at least I didn’t grab dr____ sissy fatass and drag thru the office or anything like that , like I did w dr____.(that got me in the phsych ward) if I did that hed have his bitchass pooches on me that 	even fart a lot during our sessions, like when he was doing a relaxation exercise I was grossed out, kinda funny, but annoying.
	Bad day yesterday was put in confinement for the 1st time a few times yesterday and this whole weekend. I started pacing on the dock saying crazy shit, But the 1st time I had the behavioral specialist escort me to my cabin then I was there w the ghetto staff. i kicked the fattest superviser in the stomach n I was like "o shit here comes the blue mat" I wasn’t even that combative once I got got got back to the cabin, 2 of those bitches put there hands on my throat, they were all talking down to me, made me feel bad, it took 3-4 of them to take me down on the mat. They said "so looks like your not so strong now huh?"

6-19-04
I had such a SHITTY experience! I went to try to start my laundry and there was another lower level clients wet clothes in the washer so I put them in the dryer w MY BARE HANDS. Guess I've learned to wear gloves next time I'm being nice to the staff.

I just looked in the mirror and I'm reminded of the confinement/my behavior, there are bruises all over my biceps, forearms, ankles, knees, traps, and shoulders. Feels kinda like im in training lol.
My muscles aren’t even visible like they once were, which I cant stand.
Meds really need to be changed according to training. The other day I only did ½ on the stairstepper in the rehab gym, then I freaked out again. Ill get to make it out to a hardee county y w free weights but that wont be 4 some time!


6-23-04
I am a psychotic Bitch in a mental institute!!!


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## gwcaton (Jun 24, 2004)

Wow !  Hi Maria ! 
I am at a loss for words. I sure wish you the best !   Good luck sweetheart !  xoxo


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## Monolith (Jun 24, 2004)

LOL, sounds like youre still pretty strong if it took that many goons to hold you down. 

 Are you getting anything out of this program?  Do you think its helping at all?


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## chiquita6683 (Jun 25, 2004)

Monolith said:
			
		

> LOL, sounds like youre still pretty strong if it took that many goons to hold you down.
> 
> Are you getting anything out of this program?  Do you think its helping at all?



this must be like the marine corps/swat team boot camp or something worse, ive cried like everyday. but i think with it all said and done ill be a much stronger, better person. i was a spoiled brat before and didnt even realize it. theres also been alot of med changes and im finally feeling more like myself again.
but only after ive made a complete ass out of myself, said some things i wish i hadnt......but the people that work here say its good i feel this way, its good insight.


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## chiquita6683 (Jul 14, 2004)

*I'm Home!*

Monday, I had my 2nd staffing. The night before I had a long talk/cry with my dad, and we agreed to get me home and start working on starting my life. FINR, was a humbleing experience to say the least. I saw some and had to live with some other clients....that um..I felt I was different, like I didn't belong there.

 Everything's unfamiliar/scary @home. My drawers arent the way i like em yet.

Yeah those few days I posted when I was saying crazy stuff, the dr. had to put me on Ativan 3Xs/day, but now I just took my night meds and need to take a shower still.


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## gwcaton (Jul 14, 2004)

Hi Maria !!!!!!!!!!!  
You're home , thats great !!!!!!! Good luck on everything you do !


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## Monolith (Jul 14, 2004)

chiquita6683 said:
			
		

> Monday, I had my 2nd staffing. The night before I had a long talk/cry with my dad, and we agreed to get me home and start working on starting my life. FINR, was a humbleing experience to say the least. I saw some and had to live with some other clients....that um..I felt I was different, like I didn't belong there.
> 
> Everything's unfamiliar/scary @home. My drawers arent the way i like em yet.
> 
> Yeah those few days I posted when I was saying crazy stuff, the dr. had to put me on Ativan 3Xs/day, but now I just took my night meds and need to take a shower still.


 Welcome back, chiq! 

 Good to see youre doin alright.  Thats a whole lot of Ativan, btw.  Must have made you pretty tired, eh?  Did it work at least?


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## PreMier (Jul 14, 2004)

Welcome back


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## camarosuper6 (Jul 14, 2004)

Welcome back and stay MOTIVATED!


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## chiquita6683 (Jul 15, 2004)

Monolith said:
			
		

> Welcome back, chiq!
> 
> Good to see youre doin alright.  Thats a whole lot of Ativan, btw.  Must have made you pretty tired, eh?  Did it work at least?



obviously not! I was being contained so much and angry all the time, a traumatic brain injury causes all kinds of problems........well if you remember corectly from my 1st journal 'woman of wonder with great desire'  started that journal with my whole story, I have 2 TBIs!
  In that journal, I was kinda just.....  ...............but now its like I'm really opening up

No, and yaknow what? I went to the gym yesterday, it was terrible! I dont wanna go at 4awhile! DAMNIT! gimme a break! every1 on here is so like gym/diet and their life is perfect! I WONT STAY MOTIVATED!!! AND NOTHING WAS MY FAULT, I WAS THE PASSENGER BOTH TIMES!!!!!!


LIFE IS SO  UNFAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## chiquita6683 (Jul 16, 2004)

/Q 6-23-04
I am a psychotic Bitch in a mental institute!!!/Q

I would just like to state that it is a  rehab facility and I'm not "a psychotic bitch".  
 Those were some very tough times, that no1 on here can understand bc I certainly dont have the strength to write about.
 Despite what any1 thinks about me on here, which I really dont care, do realize that every journal is  1 sided and there are parts forgottened ect.
Now I think Ive embarassed myself enough


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## Monolith (Jul 16, 2004)

Hey Chiq... no one here is judging you.  We know youve been through some really tough shit.  Do you really think any of our diets or journals or lives would be so "perfect" if we had two TBI's too?  As if!  Most of us probably wouldnt have even bothered making a journal, and just given up.  You may not be motivated now... (and i know youre tired of hearing this), but seeing you struggle with everyday things that i take for granted really made me want to concentrate even harder at perfecting my diet, routine, etc.

 Your injuries werent your fault, and to be honest, you probably wont ever be the same person you were before your accidents - but think of what you can gain from the experience.  You now have a unique outlook on life that few people have.  You're not the same as the other 6 billion people on the planet... youve dealt with ordeals that other people can barely imagine.  Use those experiences to your advantage.  Ask yourself what youve learned from it all... be it about yourself, your family, or humanity in general.

 Think of how much stronger you are than your peers who havent gone through what you have.  Use that strength to your advantage.  Its an ability most people dont have.


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## gwcaton (Jul 16, 2004)

Hi Maria ! 
Mono is right , no one here is judging you and we do know what you have been through. 
I for one admire you for all you have accomplished


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## PreMier (Jul 16, 2004)

gwcaton said:
			
		

> I for one admire you for all you have accomplished



I whole heartedly agree with this.


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