# Married...with Children



## DOMS (Jun 19, 2006)

*Marcy*: Oh, it's too bad some men don't know how to give up their sports gracefully instead of lingering on like big babies.  

*Al*: Yeah, doggone it. If we could only be comfortable with our age like you darn gals. You know, I mean, in the morning you go into the bathroom, a little blush, a little mascara and voila. You got an old woman scared of rain. Then you try and clean and jerk your breasts into a bra, ease some exercise pants over that front and back belly, go down to the market and flirt with the bag boy. I guess what I'm trying to say is it's just pretty pathetic when we guys try to cling to our youth.


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## DOMS (Jun 19, 2006)

Peggy: You're going too fast, I can't... what was that? What was that? What was that?

Al: A Bewitched with Dick York, not Dick Sargeant as Darrin, a Gilligan where the gorilla comes to the island, a Full House Christmas special where they get snowed in at the airport, and the mating habits of the Amazonian catfish with Phillipe, not Jacques Cousteau.

Peggy: You can see all that, but you can't see the rim around the toilet?

Al: I see what I want to see.


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## DOMS (Jun 19, 2006)

Peggy: This is George Washington, the father of our country.

Kelly: I thought that was James Brown.

Peggy: No, he was the Godfather of soul.

Kelly: I thought that was Don Corleone.

Peggy: I think we've had enough for one day.


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## DOMS (Jun 19, 2006)

Steve Rhoades: Al, I don't see any spot marked off for a sink.

Al: Hey, this is a man's bathroom. You know, when you share a bathroom with a woman, or in my case Peggy, you got nylons hanging on the curtain rod, you got Nair where the toothpaste should be, a bottle of vinegar lying around. I mean, what do they do in there, make a salad? In my bathroom there's only gonna be men's things: Rolaids, Milk of Magnesia, Tums, a spot for my razor.

Steve Rhoades: Why have a razor if you don't have a sink?

Al: Oh, it's not for shaving, Steve. It's for peace of mind.


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## DOMS (Jun 19, 2006)

Al: Gee I wish I could figure out what happened to my tools and my copper wiring and my tile and my life and my manhood.


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## Bazooka Tooth (Jun 19, 2006)




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## min0 lee (Jun 19, 2006)

DOMS said:
			
		

> Peggy: You're going too fast, I can't... what was that? What was that? What was that?
> 
> Al: A Bewitched with Dick York, not Dick Sargeant as Darrin, a Gilligan where the gorilla comes to the island, a Full House Christmas special where they get snowed in at the airport, and the mating habits of the Amazonian catfish with Phillipe, not Jacques Cousteau.
> 
> ...


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## min0 lee (Jun 19, 2006)

I loved that show.


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## maniclion (Jun 19, 2006)

Al: Look, Steve. Why don't you do this? Go home, wake up Marcy and say, "Hey, I lost my money. I screwed up, it won't happen again, and what's for supper?" That's what being a man is all about, Steve. Making mistakes and not caring.


Al: Son, let this be a lesson to you: never do tequila shooters within a country mile of a marriage chapel.


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## min0 lee (Jun 19, 2006)

I love his version of the night before chrristmas....classic.


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## min0 lee (Jun 19, 2006)

*[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Al Bundy Night Before Christmas[/FONT]*

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Posted to that hour-long episode with Sam Kinison by Unknown on 1996-12-08.[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
not a piece of food was stirring, not even a mouse.
The children were sleeping, all tucked in their beds
while the wife's constant whining was drilling his head.
The stockings were hung round daddy's neck like a tie 
with a note attached that read, "Presents or Die!" 
But this year daddy had money all locked in the bank 
but they closed early. Now dad's in the tank. 
When all of a sudden, Santa appeared. 
His big pot belly and booze in his beard. 
"Ho ho ho!" As he laughed merrily, 
I said,"Santa, you do so much for others, do something for me." 
"Give it up Bundy, you only sell shoes. 
Your son is a sneak thief. You daughter's a flooze. 
Not only your children, but how 'bout your wife.
Hair like an A-bomb, nails like a knife."
He went back up the chimney, that fat old bum
He mooned me 2 times and stuck out his tongue.
He got back on his sled, and as he broke wind with glee,
he said, "You're married with children. You'll never be free."

[/FONT]


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## maniclion (Jun 19, 2006)

Al: You think I'm a loser? Because I have a stinking job that I hate, a family that doesn't respect me, and a whole city that curses the day I was born? Well, that may mean loser to you, but let me tell you something. Every day when I wake up in the morning, I know it's not going to get any better until I go back to sleep. So I get up. I have my watered-down Tang and my still-frozen Pop Tart. I get in my car with no gas, no upholstery, and six more payments. I fight honking traffic just for the privilege of putting cheap shoes onto the cloven hooves of people like you. I'll never play football like I wanted to. I'll never know the touch of a beautiful woman. And I'll never know the joy of driving through the city without a bag over my head. But I'm not a loser. Because, despite it all, me and every other guy who'll never be what they wanted to be, is out there, being what we don't want to be, forty hours a week, for life. And the fact that I didn't put a gun in my mouth years ago - that little fact makes me a winner, baby.


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## min0 lee (Jun 19, 2006)

min0 lee said:
			
		

> *[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Al Bundy Night Before Christmas[/FONT]*
> 
> [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Posted to that hour-long episode with Sam Kinison by Unknown on 1996-12-08.[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
> not a piece of food was stirring, not even a mouse.
> ...


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## min0 lee (Jun 19, 2006)

maniclion said:
			
		

> Al: You think I'm a loser? Because I have a stinking job that I hate, a family that doesn't respect me, and a whole city that curses the day I was born? Well, that may mean loser to you, but let me tell you something. Every day when I wake up in the morning, I know it's not going to get any better until I go back to sleep. So I get up. I have my watered-down Tang and my still-frozen Pop Tart. I get in my car with no gas, no upholstery, and six more payments. I fight honking traffic just for the privilege of putting cheap shoes onto the cloven hooves of people like you. I'll never play football like I wanted to. I'll never know the touch of a beautiful woman. And I'll never know the joy of driving through the city without a bag over my head. But I'm not a loser. Because, despite it all, me and every other guy who'll never be what they wanted to be, is out there, being what we don't want to be, forty hours a week, for life. And the fact that I didn't put a gun in my mouth years ago - that little fact makes me a winner, baby.


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## min0 lee (Jun 19, 2006)

Five Days of Christmas
from It's a Bundyful Life (Part 1) (412)

Bud: 5 bowls a-flushing
Peg: 4 'roids a-throbbing
Kel: 3 nosehairs waving
Bud: 2 children starving
Peg: 1 untouched wife!


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## min0 lee (Jun 19, 2006)

*Psycho Dad original theme song
*from _Al... with Kelly_ (501)

Who's that riding into the sun.
Who's the man with the itchy gun.
Who's the man who kills for fun!
Psycho Dad. Psycho Dad. Psycho Dad!
He sleeps with a gun, but he loves his son.
Killed his wife 'cause she weighed a ton... Psycho Dad!


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## min0 lee (Jun 19, 2006)

*Psycho Mom theme song
*from _Teacher Pets_ (621)

Who's the gal who needs no man?
Killed him dead with the frying pan.
Did it 'cause he missed the can.
Psycho Mom, Psycho Mom, she's Psy-cho Mom!


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## maniclion (Jun 19, 2006)

I wish I had a gif of him loading his fake gun, cocking it and then shooting himself, I do that all the time when my girlfriend is driving me nuts.


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## min0 lee (Jun 19, 2006)

maniclion said:
			
		

> I wish I had a gif of him loading his fake gun, cocking it and then shooting himself, I do that all the time when my girlfriend is driving me nuts.


Same here....but I actually saw Carrol O'conner do it first in All In The Family.


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## DOMS (Jun 19, 2006)

Al Bundy - Twas The Night Before Christmas


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## DOMS (Jun 19, 2006)

maniclion said:
			
		

> I wish I had a gif of him loading his fake gun, cocking it and then shooting himself, I do that all the time when my girlfriend is driving me nuts.



This reminds me of another good quote (this one from memory):

(Peggy is anoying Al.)
Al: (Turning and prending to talk to someone else): Really your Honor, I don't know where the shotgun came from.


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## topolo (Jun 19, 2006)

man down


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## DOMS (Jun 19, 2006)

Tell DoubleBase to get up, wipe his chin off, and go home.


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## Decker (Jun 20, 2006)

Al: " I'm sorry, honey, I didn't hear you.  I was just thinking of
              killing myself."

Al: " Feet and the return of warm weather sure makes for a deadly
              combination."
I miss that show.  Here in Milwaukee the damn reruns are monopoplized by Friends and Frazier.


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## ZECH (Jun 20, 2006)

min0 lee said:
			
		

> *[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Al Bundy Night Before Christmas[/FONT]*
> 
> [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Posted to that hour-long episode with Sam Kinison by Unknown on 1996-12-08.[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
> not a piece of food was stirring, not even a mouse.
> ...


And in walks Jessica Hahn and her big BREASTeses!


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## maniclion (Jun 20, 2006)

Pastrami-Player


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## ZECH (Jun 20, 2006)

Still makes me laugh!


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## min0 lee (Feb 10, 2007)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L-qRJM5750A


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## DOMS (Feb 10, 2007)

"Just a second Judge Cheeto..."


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## MeatZatk (Feb 10, 2007)

"I'd talk behind your back, but my cars only got half a tank of gas"


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## KelJu (Feb 10, 2007)

Lawl, married with children use to be my favorite show. That was back when FOX didn't suck donkey balls.


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## fufu (Feb 10, 2007)

What years did this show air? I didn't even know it existed till a couple years ago.


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## KelJu (Feb 10, 2007)

I watched it back when I was in 6th and 7th grade so it must have been back in 93 or close to that.


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## min0 lee (Feb 11, 2007)

fufu said:


> What years did this show air? I didn't even know it existed till a couple years ago.


Where the hell have you been?


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## ABCs (Feb 11, 2007)

I saw a few re-runs alittle while ago and it reminded me why this show was so frigg'n funny. It stilll holds it's own in TV land.


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## tucker01 (Feb 11, 2007)

Started in 1987  First prime time sitcom on fox

NO MA'AM

_National Organization of Men Against Amazonian Masterhood_


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## BulkMeUp (Feb 11, 2007)

I love that show. It still makes me laugh. The stupidity comes across very nicely in it.


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## fufu (Feb 11, 2007)

min0 lee said:


> Where the hell have you been?



Across the Atlantic! wooooooooooooosh


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## maniclion (Feb 12, 2007)

Violet Beauregarde"Your not grasping the gravity of the situation Mr. Bundy"

Al "I think gravity has it's hands full right now."


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## BulkMeUp (Feb 12, 2007)

Al is shocked going through his exorbitant phone bill...

Al: $200! and who called this number?
Kelly: err.. I did daddy. But dont worry i saved you money.
Al: And hows that, pumpkin?
Kelly: Well, it was $3.99 for the first minute and 50 cents for every additional minute. So, instead of getting charged extra, i hung up after the first minute and called them back!


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## americanwit (Feb 12, 2007)

I scored 4 touchdowns in a game.


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## DOMS (Feb 12, 2007)

And that's why cable will never replace the movie going experience.


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## DOMS (Feb 12, 2007)

Hahaha


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## DOMS (Feb 12, 2007)

Private Eye


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## fufu (Feb 12, 2007)

Somebody is havin' fun on youtube.


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## BulkMeUp (Feb 12, 2007)

"Arent you open?"
"Sorry ma'am, unlike your mouth we do close sometimes!"

"It so happens we marched yesterday"
"What? the million pound march? .... Hams across America?"

"have i told you how beautiful you look today?
"no"
"oh good. Then the blood is still flowing to my brain!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lymZ4fKjk7E&mode=related&search=


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## DOMS (Feb 12, 2007)

fufu said:


> Somebody is havin' fun on youtube.



Damn straight!

I need the humor.  My son split his head open in the bathtub.  He got three stitches beneath the skin and five on top.  He's six years old.  The doc injected him 7 times into the meat with an local painkiller.  Then he stitches him 8 times and he didn't move a centimeter.


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## tucker01 (Feb 12, 2007)

Woah shitty,  That must suck such a helpless feeling.


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## DOMS (Feb 12, 2007)

IainDaniel said:


> Woah shitty,  That must suck such a helpless feeling.



It was his third time getting his head stitched. 

I was okay, but I had to spend a long time calming my daughter down.  She's pretty emotional.  She really lost it when she saw all that blood.


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## fufu (Feb 12, 2007)

DOMS said:


> Damn straight!
> 
> I need the humor.  My son split his head open in the bathtub.  He got three stitches beneath the skin and five on top.  He's six years old.  The doc injected him 7 times into the meat with an local painkiller.  Then he stitches him 8 times and he didn't move a centimeter.



Damn! How is he doing?


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## DOMS (Feb 12, 2007)

fufu said:


> Damn! How is he doing?



He just finished eating his happy meal.  He's doing fine. The kid is a real trooper.  Like I said, he didn't move a centimeter.  The doc said that was better than some adults.

It seems he has his dad's tolerance for pain.


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## DOMS (Feb 12, 2007)

It's a Bundyful Life, part 1.


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## DOMS (Feb 12, 2007)

Part 2


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## maniclion (Feb 12, 2007)

DOMS said:


> It was his third time getting his head stitched.
> 
> I was okay, but I had to spend a long time calming my daughter down.  She's pretty emotional.  She really lost it when she saw all that blood.


If it's any condolence I hit my head several times as a child and I'm just fine...


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## DOMS (Feb 12, 2007)

Best of Bundy part 1, part 2, and part 3.


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## DOMS (Feb 12, 2007)

maniclion said:


> If it's any condolence I hit my head several times as a child and I'm just fine...



Oh God...!


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