# Inexperienced Girlfriend



## fray5 (Dec 26, 2013)

I need some ladies advice on how to handle this...

My girlfriend and I are both in our mid-twenties and now been together for a year. Since the first time I kissed her, I could tell she was inexperienced. She is the sweetest girl I've met, and absolutely beautiful. However, sex with her has always been awkward and never consistent. One thing I know is that she's very insecure and unsure of her body. She doesn't like for me to go down on her or touch her Cl*t. She tells me she's had an orgasm, but I know what the good kind look like and I'm not convinced. I feel like she has this wall up and can't relax. I've tried everything and been extremely good to her but my patience is wearing a little thin. She tells me she's just not a sexual person and never has been. I care for her greatly which is why I'm sticking it out still. 

There are a couple things that contribute to these problems on her end: 

- Her upbringing to think sex was bad outside of marriage and pressure to wait which she didn't. 

- A past relationship that was emotionally and possibly physically abusive. She lost her virginity to this guy and was with him for 2 years. From what I know of it she was traumatized- he told her things like she was rough and beat up down there, that she was loose, horrible at kissing/sex, there was no way she was a virgin, and I can't imagine what else. I honestly almost threw up with anger when I heard she was treated like this. I know it's something she really regrets and doesn't like to think about. However, I suspect it might have been even worse than I know now.

I've built her up throughout our whole relationship with comments. I've taken charge in the bedroom, made love to her- trying to find what works for her but can't. It's hard for me to initiate anything, even a backrub bc she feels pressured that it'll lead to sex. However, at least every week or so she'll intiate. 

In every other way, she seems head over heels for me and shows it. She tells me I'm the one she's always dreamed of and I'm perfect for her in every way. We have talked about marriage and I know she really wants that, but until this issue is worked through, I know I can't follow through with that. I've told her this in the nicest way possible. 

Now, what do I do? I don't know exactly what to do. I feel like that sexual person is in her, but she's afraid to relax and enjoy it. Times where we've drank a little and gotten loose, I've seen it. However, I need this without that as I don't like to drink much and I want to feel that connection with her in the bedroom more often. She seems content to settle with she's just not sexual, but I feel getting through her past issues would disagree with that. 

I know a lot of people will tell me to drop this and move on as it's too much crap to deal with, but I'm going to give it a little more time bc we had a good talk and she's going to try to loosen up a bit. I just don't want to damage her further. In the end, if nothing has changed, I'll just have to end it but at least I can say I tried everything. 

Do you all have any suggestions on how I can approach this? I've heard books about sexuality are a good start? She agreed to going to a novelty store at some point. 

Thanks for any help and sorry this was so long!


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## SheriV (Dec 26, 2013)

Ghb


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## SheriV (Dec 26, 2013)

honestly she needs a shrink

give me a day or two to look up a book tho


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## independent (Dec 26, 2013)

SheriV said:


> honestly she needs a shrink
> 
> give me a day or two to look up a book tho



This^^^^    if she doesnt work on herself you will have a failed marriage.


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## dieseljimmy (Dec 26, 2013)

some people are who they are. 

just like some people are heavy or skinny, tall or short, social butterflies or socially awkward, sexual or not sexual.

a shrink may make some improvement, her past surely plays a role.  but maybe she is just infact not comfortable in her own sexual skin and its just not her thing...


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## 1HungLo (Dec 26, 2013)

Run


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## IronAddict (Dec 26, 2013)

Ask yourself this ? Would you really be happier to date and possibly take the next step with this woman if she was in fact a pro at sex because she had a million different partners.

No, you wouldn't... take her to a nice dinner. Drink plenty of Pinot Noir and explore and enjoy each other!

Fuck everyone else!


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## dieseljimmy (Dec 26, 2013)

IronAddict said:


> Ask yourself this ? Would you really be happier to date and possibly take the next step with this woman if she was in fact a pro at sex because she had a million different partners.
> 
> No, you wouldn't... take her to a nice dinner. Drink plenty of Pinot Noir and explore and enjoy each other!
> 
> Fuck everyone else!



this maybe the most romantic thing I have heard from you...


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## oufinny (Dec 26, 2013)

Fighting a losing battle; my friends wife had an abusive father and family life in general.  She is very similar to what you describe at even at 40, she won't deal with her issues. Your young, cut her lose and enjoy your 20s. It's not worth you suffering when you have no kids together and/or are married. Selfish maybe, but what comes from the sacrafice? Not much.


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## IronAddict (Dec 26, 2013)

dieseljimmy said:


> this maybe the most romantic thing I have heard from you...









Or, that one time at the bar when I bought this bitch a drink and she gave it to some dude....I hung around and thought this was funny cause I wanted to watch him pass out from the rohypnol.


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## hoyle21 (Dec 26, 2013)

oufinny said:


> Fighting a losing battle; my friends wife had an abusive father and family life in general.  She is very similar to what you describe at even at 40, she won't deal with her issues. Your young, cut her lose and enjoy your 20s. It's not worth you suffering when you have no kids together and/or are married. Selfish maybe, but what comes from the sacrafice? Not much.



This.   There's like 5 billion women on the planet.   Pick another and hope she works her shit out for someone else.


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## heavyiron (Dec 26, 2013)

I would talk to her. Probably just copy your OP and hand it to her. Communication is huge and she needs to know EXACTLY what your needs are.


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## SheriV (Dec 26, 2013)

^^ good advice but the problem with this if she say, can't get comfortable on her own with this the added pressure of "your needs" really isn't gonna fix it.


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## heavyiron (Dec 26, 2013)

She doesn't need to be "fixed"


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## IronAddict (Dec 26, 2013)

By any chance is this woman catholic ?

Catholisism's main ingredient is guilt, and this will will phuq your head up if you let it.

She's been burnt by and mentally, verbally abused by some dickhead she shouldn't have given the time of day to, but a lot of women do this and think every other is guy is the same!

So, what you have to do is be a man and show/teach her the ways of amore.


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## SheriV (Dec 26, 2013)

heavyiron said:


> She doesn't need to be "fixed"




I didn't say she did, ...I said "fix it" meaning the relationship

its obviously a problem for him or he wouldn't bring it up here.


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## ctr10 (Dec 26, 2013)

Leopard can't change it's spots, that being said, give her some time see how it goes, maybe she will come around and be more comfortable with you


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## heavyiron (Dec 26, 2013)

SheriV said:


> I didn't say she did, ...I said "fix it" meaning the relationship
> 
> its obviously a problem for him or he wouldn't bring it up here.


I don't think "fixing" the relationship needs to be the goal. Communicating the needs or expectations is the goal and then see where that goes. This may or may not improve the relationship but at least she has the truth to decide what to do with it. Communication is a constant part of relationships. I think continued communication is key even if it means learning something that will end the relationship. In other words my advice isn't meant to be a "fix" but rather a catalyst for his and her journey together, wherever that may lead. 

My wife desiring me sexually is one of my needs in our relationship. I clearly defined that in writing before we married and continue to communicate that along with my other needs. She communicates her needs to me and did so before we married. If either of us were unable or unwilling to meet each other needs we would not have ever married. 

Anyway, I'm not a chick so I'll let the gals answer. LOL!


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## Kirk B (Dec 26, 2013)

from what it sounds tho you love this woman good girls and she is 1 are not easy to come by  where i live anyway I'm married and i never thought i'd be bro keep at it and try the shrink try flowers all the time you do you said  man just keeep trying I hope all works out for you and your lady  I can see where ur frustrated but you got a girl thats not a whore be greatful on that atleast and keep trying


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## SheriV (Dec 26, 2013)

heavyiron said:


> I don't think "fixing" the relationship needs to be the goal. Communicating the needs or expectations is the goal and then see where that goes. This may or may not improve the relationship but at least she has the truth to decide what to do with it. Communication is a constant part of relationships. I think continued communication is key even if it means learning something that will end the relationship. In other words my advice isn't meant to be a "fix" but rather a catalyst for his and her journey together, wherever that may lead.
> 
> My wife desiring me sexually is one of my needs in our relationship. I clearly defined that in writing before we married and continue to communicate that along with my other needs. She communicates her needs to me and did so before we married. If either of us were unable or unwilling to meet each other needs we would not have ever married.
> 
> Anyway, I'm not a chick so I'll let the gals answer. LOL!




I think you're on the right path...I just didn't articulate it well...I often don't.


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## fray5 (Dec 26, 2013)

Wow, thanks for all the great replies. I appreciate you all taking the time to help. 

I feel like a lot of what everyone says is correct. From what I know of other relationships and stuff I've read online, this sort of thing rarely gets better. Most of the time it's just something very deeply engrained and most won't get help bc they think nothing is wrong.

She wasn't raised catholic but was in a baptist church her whole life. Her dad has always put pressure on her to be "pure for when he walks her down the aisle"... She once told me crying that she didn't know if she'd ever get over the fact she didn't save herself.

I'm really a lot like heavyiron and I'm sure a lot of others are too- they want to be desired. It took me a while to understand she really was like this. I kept coming up with ways thinking it was me and it started to really chip away at my self esteem; it still does to some extent. I've never been in a relationship where i wasn't able to initiate. It's very frustrating and if I didn't think I had a great girl I would've bailed long ago. 

I just have to decide at what point I can't take anymore if it doesn't get any better. As you all said communication is key and anytime I try to talk to her she gets upset. She either says I'm talking to her like her dad or a therapist. I don't know what she does that when I explain I'm just trying to talk like an adult. She is a little immature and admits shes not good at talking. She usually gets very embarrassed about any sexual talk. It's taken a long time to get to where we are now.

Ill admit that this stuff has carried over into smaller things getting on my nerves about her. I try to remain patient but I know if it doesn't get better than it is now ill have to go eventually. 

Yes, I do have a great girl and one that has only been with one other guy. BUT at what point does that not become worth it? I have read all these horror stories about women being like this before marriage and their husbands hoping marriage would change it but things only got worse. I have a buddy going through a divorce right now- he and his wife were having sex like once every other month. I think I would go crazy in a situation like that.


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## Intense (Dec 26, 2013)

hotdamn, can we get some cliffs up in here? 

didnt read shit


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## heavyiron (Dec 27, 2013)

fray5 said:


> Wow, thanks for all the great replies. I appreciate you all taking the time to help.
> 
> I feel like a lot of what everyone says is correct. From what I know of other relationships and stuff I've read online, this sort of thing rarely gets better. Most of the time it's just something very deeply engrained and most won't get help bc they think nothing is wrong.
> 
> ...


If you ever read any book on marriage/relationships this is the one for you. Read it and you will understand exactly what is going on inside you and her.

His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage: Willard F. Jr. Harley: 9780800744236: Amazon.com: Books


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## KILLEROFSAINTS (Dec 27, 2013)

dude i think you are banging my wife


it will never end dude....it will only get worse


if i had it to do all over again...i dont think i would... life will always be a struggle because you probly arent an insecure weirdo like her...thank her parents she is a lost cause


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## fray5 (Dec 27, 2013)

Killerofsaints,

Was your wife the same when you dated her? She was what you considered a good girl and hadnt been with many people?

Heavyiron, 

Thanks for the book suggestion.


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## HeavyB (Dec 27, 2013)

Dude you got to get in that head before you can get in those pants good. Trust me don't worry so much about he sex your getting and what you are not getting. Romance her and    so her love I mean over the top and the good sax will come. If you put pressure on her she will never be relaxed if enough. Women want it as much as we do but it we are more physical they are emotional. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## fray5 (Dec 27, 2013)

Another thing why it bothers me is bc when I have good sex and the girl shows she wants me, it makes me feel way more secure. We all have insecurities and mine is helped a lot by knowing I'm desired in a relationship. I think that's the same for a lot of people too.

At first I didn't think it was possible she was just not sexual and I was looking at myself as the problem and she wasn't into me. Really effed with my head but that was my fault for thinking that way


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## KILLEROFSAINTS (Dec 27, 2013)

fray5 said:


> Killerofsaints,
> 
> Was your wife the same when you dated her? She was what you considered a good girl and hadnt been with many people?
> 
> ...





her mom taught her sex was bad and gross and wrong evil...whatever....she was taught it was sinful to think good things about yourself...like beauty or pride....


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## fray5 (Dec 27, 2013)

Man that sucks. What drove you to marry her? Did you think it'd get better or was it not like that before?


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## KILLEROFSAINTS (Dec 27, 2013)

I hoped it would get better

8 years later still a struggle


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## Mudge (Dec 27, 2013)

That sounds rough, I was with someone that was good looking, not in the best shape but was amazing in bed and did almost all of the initiation and also was not uptight about her body, that alone adds big points in the desirability department for me. Good looking but uptight isn't as fun, obviously she has more than just looks but... It does kind if kill it I totally understand.


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## humblejalopy (Dec 27, 2013)

As you've seemed to acknowledge, basing a relationship and its future on sex is tricky, risky business. But it is a matter that bears consideration, since it is still an integral part of the marriage relationship. It can be difficult to make everything else work if you don't see eye-to-eye on this subject, as resentment can possibly build in both of you as a result. In you if you feel your needs are not being met, or in her if she feels like she is (or has been) unduly pressured by you. How do your conversations about this generally go?


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## dieseljimmy (Dec 27, 2013)

humblejalopy said:


> As you've seemed to acknowledge, basing a relationship and its future on sex is tricky, risky business. But it is a matter that bears consideration, since it is still an integral part of the marriage relationship. It can be difficult to make everything else work if you don't see eye-to-eye on this subject, as resentment can possibly build in both of you as a result. In you if you feel your needs are not being met, or in her if she feels like she is (or has been) unduly pressured by you. How do your conversations about this generally go?



Very enlightened first post.

I can't imagine anyone here would say that over the long haul sex becomes more frequent.  

Dear op... go to one or two sex therapist sessions with her if things don't change dramatically...boogie


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## futureMrO (Dec 27, 2013)

BUY A POCKET PUSSY!!!!! .................... pm me i know a guy haha


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## Zaphod (Dec 28, 2013)

fray5 said:


> She wasn't raised catholic but was in a baptist church her whole life. Her dad has always put pressure on her to be "pure for when he walks her down the aisle"... She once told me crying that she didn't know if she'd ever get over the fact she didn't save herself.



Baptists are worse than Catholics.


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## fray5 (Dec 28, 2013)

Conversations with her about it usually end up with her just saying that's the way she is.

When I suggest improving it she says she doesn't know how we could do that. She tells me she never just thinks about sex or never randomly gets turned on. 

She usually shuts down at some point and says shes feeling awkward about talking about sex.


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## independent (Dec 28, 2013)

fray5 said:


> Conversations with her about it usually end up with her just saying that's the way she is.
> 
> When I suggest improving it she says she doesn't know how we could do that. She tells me she never just thinks about sex or never randomly gets turned on.
> 
> She usually shuts down at some point and says shes feeling awkward about talking about sex.



It shouldnt be this hard to make a relationship work when youre in your early 20's. You need to move on. I guess what im trying to say is your young and dont need this drama, go date some more.


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## ctr10 (Dec 28, 2013)

^^^BigMoe said it all^^^


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## Zaphod (Dec 28, 2013)

fray5 said:


> Conversations with her about it usually end up with her just saying that's the way she is.
> 
> When I suggest improving it she says she doesn't know how we could do that. She tells me she never just thinks about sex or never randomly gets turned on.
> 
> She usually shuts down at some point and says shes feeling awkward about talking about sex.



Buy her some lingerie and tell her you'd like to see her in them.  When you're having sex make it all about her.  When you're going down on her and she starts protesting ignore her, let her find out how good you can make her feel.


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## country1911 (Dec 28, 2013)

Run, don't walk, run away.  It will never get better and you deserve to have your needs met.  Life is too short to be unhappy.  Probably, if you examine your relationship, really examine it, you will find that there are lots of other areas you aren't compatible.


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## humblejalopy (Dec 31, 2013)

fray5 said:


> Conversations with her about it usually end up with her just saying that's the way she is.
> 
> When I suggest improving it she says she doesn't know how we could do that. She tells me she never just thinks about sex or never randomly gets turned on.
> 
> She usually shuts down at some point and says shes feeling awkward about talking about sex.



I know you have mentioned that a good deal of this likely ties in to her upbringing and the desire she was raised with to wait for marriage. Through all of this, have you two talked about getting married? Not to say that marriage necessarily fixes everything, but I was just wondering if it was a conversation you two had walked through and if there was any indication that these type of discussions would at least be more comfortable, and she might be more open to talking with marriage/sex counselors, if it were to take place inside of a marriage relationship versus a dating one.

Is she someone you would want to marry if it weren't for this matter?


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## humblejalopy (Dec 31, 2013)

fray5 said:


> In every other way, she seems head over heels for me and shows it. She tells me I'm the one she's always dreamed of and I'm perfect for her in every way. We have talked about marriage and I know she really wants that, but until this issue is worked through, I know I can't follow through with that. I've told her this in the nicest way possible.



Just remembered this part of your original post, so you can ignore the last part of my question. But I think the first part of it is still relevant. You might also consider the possibility of pre-marital counseling, as they often walk through this topic in those sessions.


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## BB's Dad (Jan 1, 2014)

fray5 said:


> I need some ladies advice on how to handle this...
> 
> My girlfriend and I are both in our mid-twenties and now been together for a year. Since the first time I kissed her, I could tell she was inexperienced. She is the sweetest girl I've met, and absolutely beautiful. However, sex with her has always been awkward and never consistent. One thing I know is that she's very insecure and unsure of her body. She doesn't like for me to go down on her or touch her Cl*t. She tells me she's had an orgasm, but I know what the good kind look like and I'm not convinced. I feel like she has this wall up and can't relax. I've tried everything and been extremely good to her but my patience is wearing a little thin. She tells me she's just not a sexual person and never has been. I care for her greatly which is why I'm sticking it out still.
> 
> ...






Wow it seems like everyone here is trying to be too sensitive. The answer to me seems simple but I am older and been down this road a few times. He touched on in his first post she becomes more sexual and less inhibited after she had a few drinks. Then he says but I am a girl and want her to want me even if we don?t drink. You pussy that might be why she doesn?t get off with you all the time. 


  Been married for 27 years had many women and sex is one of the most important parts of a male female relationship. Women want you to be a man to woo them seduce them and then take them and have your way with them. Women don?t want to worry about whether you find them attractive they want you *know* that you want them and will do anything to have sex with them. Buck up you little girl if that means getting her drunk then do it. Push sexual bounties and make her do things that she says doesn?t want to. She will figure out that you are having her do things in the bedroom because that what you want. After about six months of you being the man in the relationship she will love all the sex she can get and will be looking for the morning wood before work. She will start making you do things that make her get off and yes it will get better and better every year. But if you want to get all deep and buy in to her mental bullshit you are doomed and will be with the next women you are with. Yes it is you it is always the male?s responsibility and if you can?t handle it then yes leave her and start all over with someone else.



The best thing about TRT is cycle never ends


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## Lost Grizzly (Jan 12, 2014)

Some car dealerships don't allow you to test drive the car until you buy it however most do.  Seems like you found one that didn't want it test driven before marriage, but gave in and might regret it.  

I would explain to her that you want to make your relationship work and maybe take it to marriage, but you need something from her to know that it will work if you take it to the next level.  Nothing worse than buying a car without test driving it and finding out it is a lemon.


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## NoviceAAS (Jan 13, 2014)

Can you get her to do a little coke ?   Coke turns any woman in to a cock hungry little slut. You get a few lines in to her and she'll want to be licked and fucked every which way you can.


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## heckler7 (Jan 28, 2014)

I'm guessing you havent put it in her ass yet, shes depressed to think about sex because she knows you wont just shove it in her turd cutter, and doesnt want it because shes too up tight to just say what she wants


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## dave 236 (Jan 28, 2014)

IronAddict said:


> Or, that one time at the bar when I bought this bitch a drink and she gave it to some dude....I hung around and thought this was funny cause I wanted to watch him pass out from the rohypnol.



That is priceless. I know as this shit happened to me once. A bartender was hitting on a friend of mine ( who happens to be a really hot lesbian) he gives her a free shot that she wouldn't drink and so rather than pour it out and commit alcohol abuse my dumb ass downs it. 20 mins later she and my wife drag me to the car and im done. 
True story.

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## dave 236 (Jan 28, 2014)

KILLEROFSAINTS said:


> I hoped it would get better
> 
> 8 years later still a struggle



Kos i can tell you that my wife was like this for the 1st 12 yrs of our relationship. I stuck it out and we're still together because there are way more good points to her and my marriage than bad. It has nearly led to divorce more than once though. She finally got some help through counseling that allowed her to see the root of her issues were all parental in nature. Sex is for married people in the dark and women should never want it they should just submit enough to keep the hubs around. Its a common tale. She has made a big turnaround and im happier  than ive been in years. She also got put on hrt a cpl yrs ago and now is even aggressive about things occasionally. I know how you feel my man. Like you i have a really hot wife and everyone always said you're a lucky sob but its frustrating to have a Ferrari in the garage when you can't find a fucking key. I guess im saying to you and the op that it can get better but man you better be patient and expect a lot of frustration along the way.   


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## fray5 (Jan 29, 2014)

dave 236 said:


> Kos i can tell you that my wife was like this for the 1st 12 yrs of our relationship. I stuck it out and we're still together because there are way more good points to her and my marriage than bad. It has nearly led to divorce more than once though. She finally got some help through counseling that allowed her to see the root of her issues were all parental in nature. Sex is for married people in the dark and women should never want it they should just submit enough to keep the hubs around. Its a common tale. She has made a big turnaround and im happier  than ive been in years. She also got put on hrt a cpl yrs ago and now is even aggressive about things occasionally. I know how you feel my man. Like you i have a really hot wife and everyone always said you're a lucky sob but its frustrating to have a Ferrari in the garage when you can't find a fucking key. I guess im saying to you and the op that it can get better but man you better be patient and expect a lot of frustration along the way.
> 
> 
> Sent from my DROID RAZR HD using Tapatalk



Sounds exactly like my situation. 

She actually agreed to couples counseling so I'm in the process of taking care of that. I think her issues are the same as she was growing up she was taught sex was wrong and her dad always made her feel guilty by telling her that she needs to be pure when he walks her down that aisle. 

I had a talk with her the other night and she broke down saying she just couldn't help that she didn't want sex that much. I did feel bad for her because I could see she felt inadequate. I explained to her that there could be causes such as hormone imbalances or something else she might know about. She told me it broke her heart that this is the one thing that is keeping me from committing to her. I explained to her we could both end up miserable if we didn't work through it to improve. I felt pretty bad but stood my ground with her and said our relationship will not be able to move forward until this is worked on. 

She thinks there is no way to change drive, but said she would try to improve/understand it. She's not a deep thinker like I am, and she's even defensive about it. What she doesn't understand and what I think is that it's just her whole perception is screwed up about the whole idea of it. She was really hurt and said I must just not feel the same as her. Maybe she will not want the relationship now, I don't know. But I told her I love her and I'm willing to work through it if she will. 

And to whoever said I was being mentally weak... c'mon man! I've tried the approach you mentioned and it made her even more uncomfortable. When I take that approach she'll say it doesn't feel like love and is an act instead, like I just need to be relieved.


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## heavyiron (Jan 29, 2014)

fray5 said:


> Sounds exactly like my situation.
> 
> She actually agreed to couples counseling so I'm in the process of taking care of that. I think her issues are the same as she was growing up she was taught sex was wrong and her dad always made her feel guilty by telling her that she needs to be pure when he walks her down that aisle.
> 
> ...


When men are asked almost always they state sex is their number one NEED in a relationship. If she doesn't figure this out she will just find another guy that likely will want her to have sex often too. She needs to realize she can either fulfill your needs or not. Its always helpful for guys to also fulfill their woman's needs too. Sounds like she needs non sexual affection which is common for gals. Best book I ever read on the topic is called His Needs Her Needs.


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## mattj (Nov 2, 2014)

1HungLo said:


> Run


I 2nd that motion,


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## mattj (Nov 2, 2014)

bigmoe65 said:


> It shouldnt be this hard to make a relationship work when youre in your early 20's. You need to move on. I guess what im trying to say is your young and dont need this drama, go date some more.



This is the best advice anyone offered.


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