# Witty quotes and insults from Winston Churchill



## Little Wing (Jul 25, 2008)

*source*

                     Not only was Churchill one of the greatest leaders of the 20th century, he was one hell of a witty guy. These are a few of my favorite quotes and anecdotes attributed to him:
History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it.

In war it does not matter who is right, but who is left.

The biggest argument against democracy is a five minute discussion with the average voter.

We are all worms, but I do believe I am a glowworm.

If Hitler invaded Hell, I would make at least a favourable reference to the devil in the House of Commons.

I am prepared to meet my maker; whether my maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time.

A nation trying to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to pull himself up by the handles.

There are a terrible lot of lies going around the world, and the worst of it is half of them are true.

The United States invariably does the right thing, after having exhausted every other alternative.

A modest man, who has much to be modest about. (Referring to Clement Attlee)

A sheep in sheep??¢â???¬â???¢s clothing. (Referring to Ramsay MacDonald)

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. (Referring to Sir Stafford Cripps)

He is the man who brought pederasty into disrepute. (Referring to Tom Driberg)

He looks like a female llama who has been surprised in the bath. (Referring to Charles De Gaulle)

If you wanted nothing done at all, Balfour was the man for the job. (Referring to Arthur Balfour)

Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if I were your wife, I,d poison your tea.
Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I,d drink it

Bessie Braddock: Sir, you are drunk.
Churchill: And you, madam, are ugly. But in the morning, I shall be sober.

Young man (after seeing Churchill leave the bathroom without washing his hands): At Eton they taught us to wash our hands after using the toilet.
Churchill: At Harrow they taught us not to piss on our hands.

Churchill: Madam, would you sleep with me for five million pounds?
Woman: My goodness, Mr. Churchill??¢â???¬??¦ Well, I suppose??¢â???¬??¦ we would have to discuss terms, of course??¢â???¬??¦
Churchill: Would you sleep with me for five pounds?
Woman: Mr. Churchill, what kind of woman do you think I am?!
Churchill: Madam, we??¢â???¬â???¢ve already established that. Now we are haggling about the price.


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## clemson357 (Jul 25, 2008)

_"A nation trying to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to pull himself up by the handles."_

Maybe America will learn that some day.


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## goob (Jul 25, 2008)

Churchill: Madam, would you sleep with me for five million pounds?
Woman: My goodness, Mr. Churchillâ€¦ Well, I supposeâ€¦ we would have to discuss terms, of courseâ€¦
Churchill: Would you sleep with me for five pounds?
Woman: Mr. Churchill, what kind of woman do you think I am?!
Churchill: Madam, weâ€™ve already established that. Now we are haggling about the price. 



-I lkie this one.  Could almost be an opener.


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## The Monkey Man (Jul 25, 2008)

Young man:
(after seeing Churchill leave the bathroom without washing his hands)
At Eton they taught us to wash our hands after using the toilet.

Churchill: At Harrow they taught us not to piss on our hands.


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## Mudge (Jul 25, 2008)

Very nice.


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## brogers (Jul 25, 2008)

"_The biggest argument against democracy is a five minute discussion with the average voter_."

Agree completely with this.


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## Witchblade (Jul 26, 2008)

I agree with nearly all of it. They're awesome!


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## bio-chem (Jul 26, 2008)

the guy was half american as well. the good half i might add


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## Little Wing (Jul 26, 2008)

golden wit. i can't pick a favorite. 

i heard the driberg one as "he's the sort of person who gives _sodomy_ a bad name."

politicians picking up guys in lavatories was popular way before our time.


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## Peterjabulani (Feb 1, 2012)

*Best Churchill quote*

"I am prepared to meet my maker; whether my maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.."  Winston Churchill

Look here for more great quotes every week..

www.v4astudio.com.


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## KelJu (Feb 1, 2012)

Little Wing said:


> golden wit. i can't pick a favorite.
> 
> i heard the driberg one as "he's the sort of person who gives _sodomy_ a bad name."
> 
> politicians picking up guys in lavatories was popular way before our time.



It was a religious and cultural indoctrination at one point...the Greek flavor of the big brother program. Instead of an man taking out a boy for pizza and a baseball game, it was more like anal sex after a discussion of civic duties.


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## bandaidwoman (Feb 1, 2012)

I can say this as an outsider learning english and growing up in British colonial territories, the British know how to smear their opponents with pure, brilliant verbal fencing. Ever watch Tony Blair argue with his constituents in parliment?  In general, I love watching parlimentary proceedings because they yell and scream and verbally joust, the american congress is actually more tame and civil, but more boring to listin to....


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## DOMS (Feb 1, 2012)

bandaidwoman said:


> I can say this as an outsider learning english and growing up in British colonial territories, the British know how to smear their opponents with pure, brilliant verbal fencing. Ever watch Tony Blair argue with his constituents in parliment?  In general, I love watching parlimentary proceedings because they yell and scream and verbally joust, the american congress is actually more tame and civil, but more boring to listin to....



"Parliament is like Congress with a two drink minimum." - Robin Williams


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## DOMS (Feb 1, 2012)

I stand corrected, it was the House of Commons.






YouTube Video


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## jagbender (Feb 1, 2012)

The United States invariably does the right thing, after having exhausted every other alternative.  

I like this one


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## MyK (Feb 1, 2012)

bio-chem said:


> the guy was half american as well. the good half i might add





shouldnt you be in church!


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