# Meltdown of the Year/Pathetic Cry for Help



## Diesel618 (Jul 31, 2012)

I have made an ass of myself on this site for a while now. I have been arguing just to argue and posting worthless, stupid shit void of any value to anyone. I have revealed on this site that I have been battling heroin addiction for 5 years or so, with a year and a half of recovery spread throughout that time. I had been 6 months clean and relapsed. Just had 6 months again and relapsed about a month ago and been doing it increasingly frequently ever since. I have been IV'ing heroin and coke and eating xanax and smoking hella weed. Been drunk a few times in the past month. I am going nowhere fast. Haven't made any gains in strength or size in that month. Stuck at 225. My girlfriend left me when she found needles a couple weeks ago. Without her income, coupled with my prolonged  increasingly expensive binge, I can't afford keep my apartment. This weekend, I will be moving back in with my mom. I'm 22 fucking years old and moving back to mommy's house. My summer job will be over in 2 weeks and I don't have anything else lined up. I will be commuting to school from my mom's house in the fall and have no income lined up at the moment. My life is so fucking worthless right now. I'm at least 4 years from getting any kind of real job I and I don't even know what I want to do for a career right now. Either a pharmacologist, Pharmacist, Chemist. I have dreams and aspirations of being a scientist for a supplement company and developing and producing new supplements and brewing gear and eventually opening my own placebo company, but I'll never get there if I keep relapsing every 6 months. I know I am about to get ripped because this is AG and I've made a few enemies with my stupid mean-hearted bullshit ass young attitude, but any words of encouragement would mean the world to me right now. I'm suicidal as fuck and I have enough dope to do it. Idk what to do. Here come the insults but I deserve it.


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## secdrl (Jul 31, 2012)

Diesel618 said:


> I have made an ass of myself on this site for a while now. I have been arguing just to argue and posting worthless, stupid shit void of any value to anyone. I have revealed on this site that I have been battling heroin addiction for 5 years or so, with a year and a half of recovery spread throughout that time. I had been 6 months clean and relapsed. Just had 6 months again and relapsed about a month ago and been doing it increasingly frequently ever since. I have been IV'ing heroin and coke and eating xanax and smoking hella weed. Been drunk a few times in the past month. I am going nowhere fast. Haven't made any gains in strength or size in that month. Stuck at 225. My girlfriend left me when she found needles a couple weeks ago. Without her income, coupled with my prolonged increasingly expensive binge, I can't afford keep my apartment. This weekend, I will be moving back in with my mom. I'm 22 fucking years old and moving back to mommy's house. My summer job will be over in 2 weeks and I don't have anything else lined up. I will be commuting to school from my mom's house in the fall and have no income lined up at the moment. My life is so fucking worthless right now. I'm at least 4 years from getting any kind of real job I and I don't even know what I want to do for a career right now. Either a pharmacologist, Pharmacist, Chemist. I have dreams and aspirations of being a scientist for a supplement company and developing and producing new supplements and brewing gear and eventually opening my own placebo company, but I'll never get there if I keep relapsing every 6 months. I know I am about to get ripped because this is AG and I've made a few enemies with my stupid mean-hearted bullshit ass young attitude, but any words of encouragement would mean the world to me right now.* I'm suicidal as fuck and I have enough dope to do it. Idk what to do*. Here come the insults but I deserve it.




Oh yes you do know...


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## KILLEROFSAINTS (Jul 31, 2012)

You def should not be involved with those jobs


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## Diesel618 (Jul 31, 2012)

Thanks for actually taking the time to read this KOS. I know you have been through a lot and believe it or not I have a lot of respect for you as a man. I have thought a lot about if I would do ok in chemistry type jobs, but that's what my degree is in. Biology/Chemistry. Idk what else to do.


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## KILLEROFSAINTS (Jul 31, 2012)

Lol


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## colochine (Jul 31, 2012)

I'm a chemist. Job sucks. Go accounting/finance route and steal money.


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## 200+ (Jul 31, 2012)

Really? You have a serious drug problem and you are worried about what career to get into? Get a fucking job (anything), get off the fucking dope, and then figure out what you want to do for a career. I know it's not easy, I struggle with depression and other similar issues almost constantly, but until you gain some control over addictive behavior, you have nowhere to go. One step at a time.  Oh, and beware of xanax, that shit is very addictive, if I had some I would be popping them like Pez.


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## chucky1 (Jul 31, 2012)

Iv been in your shoes at 22 and your lucky mom even lets you come home, my mom moved to another town when I was locked up and wanted me to get clean for a year before I could even know where she lived, Iv spent years of my life loaded,locked up and in rehab, I finally had to change after losing every thing and was on my way to prison, my family disowned me I was homeless and husuled every day for the next fix, some how I found the strength to stay clean, ya I did go through the steps but the program is a joke to me now, but it did help.  after getting that year the love of my family came back, I started working, hanging around with clean people, because when your alone in your head its a very dangerous place, I soon meet my wife and later had a kid and I promised that little baby boy he would never see me loaded and Iv stuck to that promise May 18 2006 was the last time I used and today I love my life and have no desieir to use again.  get some time under your belt bro work the steps hit some meetings, you can overcome it but you have to want it!  They say 90% of heroin addicts will never pull it off but I was in that 10% that did.


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## Diesel618 (Jul 31, 2012)

I appreciate that Chucky. I knew you had overcome H and I have a lot of respect for you for it. Hopefully I can get to the other side of this recovery thing, but I've failed so many times at it. I'm gonna do my best to dust myself off and get back in the program. So much of NA/AA is bullshit IMO though. Sooo much God and little stupid cliche' sayings and it pisses me off, but a lot of it is very helpful, like being around other clean addicts and the support, and the steps and what they teach you about yourself. All I know is I can't do it alone. NA has helped millions of addicts get clean, so I know it can work for me. I just gotta finally step up and be a man and do it and leave the kiddy shit behind. I've let this shit run my life for far too long. I'm steppin out of these shackles once and for all. FUCK THIS SHIT!


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## chucky1 (Jul 31, 2012)

I feel the same way bro but use it for the better also I quit every thing when I got clean no booze no weed just coffee and gym bro, now I like to smoke weed at night some times to come down from PWO stems and Ill drink once in a while but I didn't make the choice till after about 5 years of sobriety, you can do it bro, just takes time.


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## celticthug (Jul 31, 2012)

I had a meth addiction.As a young guy riding a harley i fell into use with those people.I could workout,work 60+ hours a week,and stay up all weekend.Seemed like a great deal at the time.After about 7 years my usage became much larger.I was buying a couple 8's a week.First time someone called me a meth head,i started to think about quiting.I had always prided myself on my ability to control it.Needless to say eventually i didnt control it.I got arrested with it and cahrged with a felony.At the time the rest of my life was falling apart also.(my rock bottom) I got a defered judgement,witch means if i followed the conditions of the court it would not be on my record.One of the conditions was to go to out patient treatment for a year. As much as that group teatment wasnt my thing,it was what gave me enough support to quit.Been 6 years now clean,and i dont wanna ever go back to that lifestyle.
 Hopefully this is your rock bottom.Your life isnt worthless.Get sum help.None of us want to get help and talk about things when we feel shamefull about.But it helps to be aroud people that have the same problem.And finally id say quite hanging around with other users.There is no way to stay clean when others are useing around you.Good luck bro!


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## Little Wing (Jul 31, 2012)

Either a pharmacologist, Pharmacist,


now come on... i know you know better than this. pick something that's not inviting major trouble. and you are young don't sweat it so much. trust me there are going to be many things that seem so stressful and horrible and before you know it they will be a memory 5 years behind you and all the sweating you did will have been for nothing. mark twain said he had a great many troubles in his life and most of them never happened. i have learned to just trust that i will get by this struggle like i did 15 others and i don't need to sweat my balls off just like i never really had to all those other times i did. relax. slow down and enjoy your life a bit. be grateful for the opportunity to go to school and just make sure you don't blow it. college is not that hard.


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## Zaphod (Jul 31, 2012)

Diesel618 said:


> Thanks for actually taking the time to read this KOS. I know you have been through a lot and believe it or not I have a lot of respect for you as a man. I have thought a lot about if I would do ok in chemistry type jobs, but that's what my degree is in. Biology/Chemistry. Idk what else to do.



You probably really should stay away from anything to do with pharmacy.  Concentrate on getting off the drugs because that is going to be your biggest hurdle in getting a job, especially one where you may be dispensing drugs.  

Check into a full time mental health facility for a while until you're fully clean.  Worry about the cost of rehab later.


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## Curt James (Jul 31, 2012)

Your heroin addiction should be your focus, imo. 

You're only 22, so give yourself a break. 

Probably better off without the girl at this time. Yes, be grateful you can move back home. 

What are you studying in school? Best wishes with that. Any degree will help to some degree. A university degree is like a high school diploma these days.

Your life is not worthless. Suicide is a selfish act, so please get that out of your head.

I applaud you for telling your story and encourage you to check into counseling or a local NA or other 12-step program.


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## Diesel618 (Jul 31, 2012)

I just graduated with a Bachelor's in Biology and a Bachelor's in Chemistry. I got a stipend to go for my master's in chemistry. I'm just going to focus on keeping my GPA up and trust that the career choice will come to me as I get further in.

I appreciate everyone's words of encouragement. It's time for me to grow up and be a man, and do what I need to do to build a life for myself. I hate myself when I'm using. When I'm clean the sky is the limit. I'm just going to put my focus on staying clean, killing it in school, and killing it in the gym and one day stepping on an NPC stage!


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## Curt James (Jul 31, 2012)

Diesel618 said:


> *I just graduated with a Bachelor's in Biology and a Bachelor's in Chemistry. I got a stipend to go for my master's in chemistry.* I'm just going to focus on keeping my GPA up and trust that the career choice will come to me as I get further in.
> 
> I appreciate everyone's words of encouragement. It's time for me to grow up and be a man, and do what I need to do to build a life for myself. I hate myself when I'm using. When I'm clean the sky is the limit. I'm just going to put my focus on staying clean, killing it in school, and killing it in the gym and one day stepping on an NPC stage!



Congratulations!

It will all work out. 

Get a mentor if you don't have one already and pray for good advice. lol Isn't there a professor on campus whose brain you can pick?


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## Little Wing (Jul 31, 2012)

when i quit doing cocaine in the late 70s i went to the hospital because i quit cold turkey on the tail end of a bad mushroom trip and didn't sleep for 5 days. back then they kept the druggies with the loonies so i met people so much worse off than me i forgot myself and just wanted to help them. a boy merely 18 tried to commit suicide over a break up, a man was learning to eat and care for himself with no lower arms, this old woman kept imagining her legs stopped working.... a guy thought he was elvis. lol. he asked did i want to see his elvis i said yes and he left. a few minutes later he came in singing i did it my way to the whole room at lunch. i had no idea why he was there and that i had encouraged his delusion. fucking depression and insomnia was hell and i decided i never wanted to put myself in that position again. cocaine is the most retarded drug ever it makes you feel like shit. anxiety is not cool. i still screwed with acid after that, vallium, mushrooms, codeine... lots of pot but as soon as i decided to be a mom none of that was worth it. people quit when they are ready to. when something is more important than a good time or being cool or part of the crowd. it might be family, health, a career. find your reason. and accept your failures as human. i love that i have a past. every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.

ltfol i mistyped sinner and auto correct asked if it was skinner i was trying to spell. anyway every skinner has a future... oy

i look back on all of my life and love it. it made me who i am. i was young, drugs were fun, and what a long strange trip it's been. you do not need to be perfect to be happy. and anyone can change things they don't like about themselves. 22 is no fucking where near old enough to kick yourself in the head for not having it all together.


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## Watson (Jul 31, 2012)

if ur even 1% serious about anything u said then there is really only 2 choices

move or swallow a bullet, at least it will be fast and u wont destroy the people around u

choose moving, less clean up
so move to a place where there is no drugs, just for a few years, get out on a ranch a hundred miles from every city, get back to the simple life, no net, no tv, work sunrise to sunset, spend ur days thinking and understanding why ur such a total fuck up, if u can answer that, u stand a chance

we call them drovers here, the guys living out on isolated ranches in the outback, most never want to come back, they love it once they get used to it, but take 2 years, ur young, uve plenty of time for everything else, get clean and clear first


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## SilentBob187 (Jul 31, 2012)

You can be your biggest supporter in this but you can also be your biggest deterrent if you aren't careful.  Get some help.


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## Faymus (Jul 31, 2012)

You honestly need to move out of state. Go somewhere where you know nobody. Basically restarting your life. Friends WILL bring you down.


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## cube789 (Aug 1, 2012)

as others have said addiction is easier to overcome when you genuinley want to overcome it. Get away from your social group no matter the cost. 

You're in for a shitty time with plenty of low points. Instead of using those low points as an excuse to relapse, man up and face your problems head on, use any step backs you face to make you stronger and fuck the addiction in the ear.


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## Retlaw (Aug 1, 2012)

Curt James said:


> Your heroin addiction should be your focus, imo.
> 
> You're only 22, so give yourself a break.
> 
> ...



This ^^^^^  Your in my prayers, bro, suck it up one day at a time, it is worth it !


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## [SIL] (Aug 1, 2012)

try bath salts bro..hope this helps


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## Curt James (Aug 1, 2012)

Faymus said:


> You honestly need to move out of state. Go somewhere where you know nobody. Basically restarting your life. Friends WILL bring you down.



What's that thing about playpens and playgrounds? Definitely have to associate with a different crowd -- avoiding whatever scene has a negative impact or _assists you_ in making those negative choices.


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## Curt James (Aug 1, 2012)

???sil??? said:


> try bath salts bro..hope this helps



YOU'LL BE SORRY WHEN HE EATZ YOUR FACE!!1!


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## secdrl (Aug 1, 2012)

Well, if he does bath salts, and can do the drugs and take a few bullets. Although, the first few rounds will probably be innefective. (just ask the zombie in FLA)


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## skinnyguy180 (Aug 1, 2012)

Before you do anything you need to throw out you dickies, turn down your radio, get some pants that fit, stop sagging them and project success.  





.......then just succeed.


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## independent (Aug 1, 2012)

Your first priority is rehab.


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## Big Pimpin (Aug 1, 2012)

bigmoe65 said:


> Your first priority is rehab.



+1


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## charley (Aug 1, 2012)

I could not stop until I was 40yrs old.....[expression] 'I was sick and tired of being sick and tired'.....  living with your folks ain't a bad idea as long as you don't abuse the relationship....and don't start feeling sorry for yourself.....[expression] 'POOR ME,POOR ME,POUR ME A DRINK'    ......

When sober for a while you will find reasons to be grateful for what you have.... 'Attitude of Gratitude'......[I do admit I still smoke weed]....


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## Intense (Aug 1, 2012)

As long as you dont have any felonies you have all the opportunity in the world. Now that your moving back in with your parents your goal should be to stay clean, find a job, and dont fuck this up as your parents are very loving and obviously care to let you move back in and give you this opportunity to get back on your feet. What do you want? to be a junkie deadbeat the rest of your life? Get your shit together, train hard, work hard, and stay away from any sort of drugs/booze for a while until you can control yourself better.


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## DOBE (Aug 1, 2012)

A chick I was dating introduced me to lortab soon I was doing oxycontin never thought much about it until I tried to stop taking that shit. it was impossible, so I started taking methodone to get off the oc's and got hooked on that shit. After spending tons of money and time in this loser lifestyle ( and when I say loser I mean the wife the kid, both houses both cars etc.) I finally came to my senses and got off that shit cold turkey, it was the worse "jones" of my life and seemed to go on forever I was totally incapacitated for weeks. After recovering from thet horror I vowed to never go back, it's been ten years. Put some distance between you and your habits and remember not all habits are bad learn to replace the bad with the good. It ain't easy but you can do it. You are stonger than your weakness and every "clean" day is a victory.


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## Standard Donkey (Aug 1, 2012)

hello everyone, my name is standard donkey and im addicted to tren


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## jay_steel (Aug 1, 2012)

If you really have issues and are serious I can get you in touch with my best friend who probably of been competing in last and this years Olympics in BMX. He wound up addicted to every drug on the market and took 8 years off and time in prison. He is now training as an elite athlete and trains at the olympic training center. He has been through more then you have so he can easily relate to your experience with the strive to become successful, but having the barriers of drugs to hold you back. This is a LONG video 30min's but if you are serious about getting clean and recovering I would suggest you take the time to watch it. It is him telling his story. If you want PM me and I can get you in touch with him and he can talk to you online or over the phone... Like I told you before I have lost to many friends to drugs and I don't mess around with this. So if you need help let me know even though I have no clue who you are, I hate seeing talented people waste there lives.


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## jay_steel (Aug 1, 2012)

Standard Donkey said:


> hello everyone, my name is standard donkey and im addicted to tren


I am also addicted to masturbation because of tren...


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## Retlaw (Aug 1, 2012)

Diesel618 said:


> I have made an ass of myself on this site for a while now. I have been arguing just to argue and posting worthless, stupid shit void of any value to anyone. I have revealed on this site that I have been battling heroin addiction for 5 years or so, with a year and a half of recovery spread throughout that time. I had been 6 months clean and relapsed. Just had 6 months again and relapsed about a month ago and been doing it increasingly frequently ever since. I have been IV'ing heroin and coke and eating xanax and smoking hella weed. Been drunk a few times in the past month. I am going nowhere fast. Haven't made any gains in strength or size in that month. Stuck at 225. My girlfriend left me when she found needles a couple weeks ago. Without her income, coupled with my prolonged  increasingly expensive binge, I can't afford keep my apartment. This weekend, I will be moving back in with my mom. I'm 22 fucking years old and moving back to mommy's house. My summer job will be over in 2 weeks and I don't have anything else lined up. I will be commuting to school from my mom's house in the fall and have no income lined up at the moment. My life is so fucking worthless right now. I'm at least 4 years from getting any kind of real job I and I don't even know what I want to do for a career right now. Either a pharmacologist, Pharmacist, Chemist. I have dreams and aspirations of being a scientist for a supplement company and developing and producing new supplements and brewing gear and eventually opening my own placebo company, but I'll never get there if I keep relapsing every 6 months. I know I am about to get ripped because this is AG and I've made a few enemies with my stupid mean-hearted bullshit ass young attitude, but any words of encouragement would mean the world to me right now. I'm suicidal as fuck and I have enough dope to do it. Idk what to do. Here come the insults but I deserve it.




Well, how about a fucking update, fucknuts ??   Hope your in detox bro !


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## Diesel618 (Aug 1, 2012)

Did the last of my dope today. I have a few xanax bars and some weed for the detox. I know it sounds retarded and completely counterproductive, but benzos and weed make opiate withdrawal 10 times less painless. I can't thank you guys enough for taking the time to respond. I have been in the program (NA/AA) for several years now off and on. As soon as I am done with detox/withdrawals, I will be contacting my old sponsor and going to a meeting and starting my 90 in 90. That means 90 meetings in 90 days and it's a suggestion in the program. My mom has no idea I have been using, so I am going to have to come clean to her and hope she still lets me come home. I am done with this shit. For good. This is my last bottom. Every time I think I've hit my bottom, I find a trap door and fall some more. I'm done digging this shithole. It's time to wake up and stop fucking around. 


I would also like to apologize to XYZ, KOS, CellarDoor, and HialeahChico for my attitudes toward them. I don't need you guys to acknowledge or accept my apology, I just need to do it to clear MY conscience. That's something NA has taught me.

Peace and Love.


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## NVRBDR (Aug 1, 2012)

Diesel618 said:


> Did the last of my dope today. I have a few xanax bars and some weed for the detox. I know it sounds retarded and completely counterproductive, but benzos and weed make opiate withdrawal 10 times less painless. I can't thank you guys enough for taking the time to respond. I have been in the program (NA/AA) for several years now off and on. As soon as I am done with detox/withdrawals, I will be contacting my old sponsor and going to a meeting and starting my 90 in 90. That means 90 meetings in 90 days and it's a suggestion in the program. My mom has no idea I have been using, so I am going to have to come clean to her and hope she still lets me come home. I am done with this shit. For good. This is my last bottom. Every time I think I've hit my bottom, I find a trap door and fall some more. I'm done digging this shithole. It's time to wake up and stop fucking around.
> 
> 
> I would also like to apologize to XYZ, KOS, CellarDoor, and HialeahChico for my attitudes toward them. I don't need you guys to acknowledge or accept my apology, I just need to do it to clear MY conscience. That's something NA has taught me.
> ...




i wish you the very best, stay focused and stay strong, cut your ties to those that will bring you down and keep moving forward without looking back, you'll get there a lot faster


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## Diesel618 (Aug 1, 2012)

SIL's post about bath salts made me laugh for the first time in several days. Thanks SIL! I needed that lol.


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## KILLEROFSAINTS (Aug 1, 2012)

what are you apoligizing for


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## 200+ (Aug 1, 2012)

KILLEROFSAINTS said:


> what are you apoligizing for


That's awesome KOS.
Diesel, you'll get through this, just stay the course. It's good you decided to confide to you mother, hopefully she will hold you accountable now and help support you. I have tremendous respect that you have decided to share your story and we will help hold you accountable.


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## seyone (Aug 1, 2012)

I wish you the best. I have a lot of addiction in my family and it really hurts everyone around you.  You talk abo ut hitting bottom, but your mom still accepts you back in her home. She obviously loves you , if you move back in with her don't Fuck it up. That will be your rock bottom. I'm not trying to be a dick but stay away from family and don't use them if you can't stay clean


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## Diesel618 (Aug 1, 2012)

seyone said:


> I wish you the best. I have a lot of addiction in my family and it really hurts everyone around you. You talk abo ut hitting bottom, but your mom still accepts you back in her home. She obviously loves you , if you move back in with her don't Fuck it up. That will be your rock bottom. I'm not trying to be a dick but stay away from family and don't use them if you can't stay clean



I understand completely. My mom hurt more throughout my addiction than I ever did. It truly is a family disease. That was one thing I never did was steal money from my mom or family, but she has had to put up a lot of her own money to put me in treatment and detox throughout the years. I'll never be able to pay her back, but I hope that getting clean and letting her see me succeed will be payback enough for her.


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## Standard Donkey (Aug 1, 2012)

Diesel618 said:


> I understand completely. My mom hurt more throughout my addiction than I ever did. It truly is a family disease. That was one thing I never did was steal money from my mom or family, but she has had to put up a lot of her own money to put me in treatment and detox throughout the years. I'll never be able to pay her back, but *I hope that getting clean and letting her see me succeed will be payback enough for her*.




i imagine it would be


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## Diesel618 (Aug 1, 2012)

KILLEROFSAINTS said:


> what are you apoligizing for




calling you fat, trolling you, just generally being a scumbag. I have mad respect for you as a man and I hope one day to get near your strength numbers. That being said, I still plan to give you as much shit as humanly possible Just know it comes out of respect.


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## Diesel618 (Aug 1, 2012)

...And I have gyno.  :-/







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## Diesel618 (Aug 1, 2012)

I picked up some Erase Pro today. It's a top quality underground placebo for hardcore test-estro-cort modulation. Going to PCT with it and Clomid and give myself a break from anabolics before I start this Test/EQ cycle I had planned. Just want to make sure I'm straight, and this will give me a chance to test my natty T after a good thorough PCT and if they don't come back better than my last one at 341 total then I will definately be in for the blast and cruise mode.







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## LightBearer (Aug 2, 2012)

Youre a drug addict and aspire to be a pharmacist?


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## SFW (Aug 2, 2012)

This is great ag material!
Its like a pedo aspiring to become a pediatric proctologist. Priceless and awesome AG material! 

P.s. Spiking H is a great way to get some sleep while suffering from Trensomnia. As long as you balance it out you'll be fine. 

And i dont see any gyno. If you saw some of the breasts on these female orangutans here, youd feel a lot better about your gams.


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## _LG_ (Aug 2, 2012)

You are destined to fail again.  No offense, I'm speaking from experience.


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## Retlaw (Aug 2, 2012)

Diesel618 said:


> ...And I have gyno.  :-/
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Me2 ...... lol


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## heckler7 (Aug 2, 2012)

Retlaw said:


> Me2 ...... lol


me3


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## allskillz20 (Aug 2, 2012)

Good luck bro, I got a DUI, and had to take 12 weeks of classes twice a week, including substance abuse classes.. It fucking sucked man, I had to bike like 8 miles a day to work, then like 5 more to class.. I was in college too and had to drop all classes, and lost my full ride scholarship... I'm still trying to get back up on money to go back to school a year later... At least you got a degree man, keep grinding a little longer and you'll be making bank bro


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## SloppyJ (Aug 2, 2012)

Keep it up bro. You can do it. I know that it's hard and it took finding the right girl for me to straighten up. It's sad to me that I wouldn't do it for myself and I was wasting so many days just getting stoned and popping pills. But I found a girl that I truly loved and that snapped me back into reallity. Even though my main drug was just weed, it took a while before I felt normal again. I was smoking around an 1/8th per day. I was mean and irritable and worst of all my sleep patterns were messed up. But i got through it. I know H is much harder to quit but if you want it bad enough you can do it.


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## KILLEROFSAINTS (Aug 2, 2012)

Diesel618 said:


> ...And I have gyno.  :-/
> 
> 
> 
> ...



you look way batter than a short time ago


i always see beautiful women smoking or drinking and i think what the hell? why destroy that piece of art...look at pam anderson or someone like that...looked like an angel as a young woman now she looks like an old hag


develop some self respect...people say i have a big ego and i sure try to have one(in reality it is very fragile)...you need that,aspire to be something special...use some visualization

tell yourself that you are too good to do those trashy things...dont stoop to that level...dont hang out with those that do...my family is to the core white trash...i rarely see them...hang out in dumpsters youll smell like trash...lay with dogs an get fleas


you are something special...you have potential to be even better or more...dont throw it away...life is so short


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## REDDOG309 (Aug 2, 2012)

The softer side of KOS,


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## OfficerFarva (Aug 2, 2012)

You have to realize you have a problem and want to fix it (which you seem to).  It's hard but worth it.


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## OfficerFarva (Aug 2, 2012)

REDDOG309 said:


> The softer side of KOS,



Pun of the day, lol.


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## KILLEROFSAINTS (Aug 2, 2012)

unfortunately im no stranger to temptation and watching people destroy there life due to addictions
most pathetic thing i ever saw was my dad smoking crack in his 19080s chevy van...crying to me and my brother...my mom has stolen many things from me due to crack,coke whatever....she even stole my rent money when i rented at 19

ive starved...ate from dumpsters...went homeless...parents missing for weeks at a time...foster homes...group homes...mental wards...dozens of schools...moved a couple hundred times...hundreds of beatings...trauma i deal with to this day...causing problems with my real family


addiction...
 i hate you
 there is nothing more evil on this planet
 i wish i could smack you and make you cry
 you fight like a girl


REDDOG309 said:


> The softer side of KOS,


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## KILLEROFSAINTS (Aug 2, 2012)

OfficerFarva said:


> Pun of the day, lol.



yeah
you are relevant and stuff


----------



## tommygunz (Aug 2, 2012)

You have gotten a lot of advise here, some even useful. You have been a junkie since you were 17, a kid, you have lived this hell for 5 years. You don't even know what life is yet. Waiting for the dope to be gone to quit doesn't show you want to. I decided to kick a 10 year meth addiction one day while smoking away on an 8 ball, flushed it down the shitter. I regretted it almost immediately, I don't regret it anymore. My point is until you want to you won't be able to, cold hard fact. I'm not the type of person to sugar coat anything, this is going to be the hardest thing you are ever going to do, for the rest of your life. Some people can never do it.  Self medication isn't going to work, you need proffesional help and a methadone clinic, but to start you need you. You must put everything else in your life on hold because if not you won't ever have a life to do anything with. Career, education, family and relationships don't mean anything right now, you are the only focus. You have a disease, if you developed cancer you would not worry about what I want to do when I graduate, you'd worry about the cancer. Guess what you have cancer bro. You have to get your mind around taking care of you, that's it.


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## [SIL] (Aug 2, 2012)

Diesel618 said:


> SIL's post about bath salts made me laugh for the first time in several days. Thanks SIL! I needed that lol.



i feel sick


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## Diesel618 (Aug 2, 2012)

Fuck you then, bitch. I'll go Azza on you if you're gonna come in here and be disrespectful.


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## Standard Donkey (Aug 2, 2012)

tommygunz said:


> You have gotten a lot of advise here, some even useful. You have been a junkie since you were 17, a kid, you have lived this hell for 5 years. You don't even know what life is yet. Waiting for the dope to be gone to quit doesn't show you want to. I decided to kick a 10 year meth addiction one day while smoking away on an 8 ball, flushed it down the shitter. I regretted it almost immediately, I don't regret it anymore. My point is until you want to you won't be able to, cold hard fact. I'm not the type of person to sugar coat anything, this is going to be the hardest thing you are ever going to do, for the rest of your life. Some people can never do it.  Self medication isn't going to work, you need proffesional help and a methadone clinic, but to start you need you. You must put everything else in your life on hold because if not you won't ever have a life to do anything with. Career, education, family and relationships don't mean anything right now, you are the only focus. You have a disease, if you developed cancer you would not worry about what I want to do when I graduate, you'd worry about the cancer. Guess what you have cancer bro. You have to get your mind around taking care of you, that's it.



i've never even smoked weed what the fuck am i doing here?!???


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## Diesel618 (Aug 2, 2012)

Taking more gear than anyone to be average.


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## Standard Donkey (Aug 2, 2012)

Diesel618 said:


> Taking more gear than anyone to be average.




id like to see the "average" guy, or any guy here for that matter seated OH press what i did


nigga


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## KILLEROFSAINTS (Aug 2, 2012)

yeah but....i mean the amount of gear...especially tren...i mean come on


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## Standard Donkey (Aug 2, 2012)

KILLEROFSAINTS said:


> yeah but....i mean the amount of gear...especially tren...i mean come on



someone else do it then.. i mean sure you lifted it 13 times or so, but it was 30 pounds under your bodyweight.. it would have been like me pressing 190ish.. which i could have gotten 25+ times easily


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## KILLEROFSAINTS (Aug 2, 2012)

id like to see you do it with real reps after ten hours of work in 105 degree temp and no gear
oh and you actually train for the lift...i dont even do it


but i do agree....alot of people on gear still couldnt do it


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## [SIL] (Aug 2, 2012)

Diesel618 said:


> Fuck you then, bitch. I'll go Azza on you if you're gonna come in here and be disrespectful.




back on heroin?


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## Standard Donkey (Aug 2, 2012)

KILLEROFSAINTS said:


> id like to see you do it with real reps after ten hours of work in 105 degree temp and no gear
> oh and you actually train for the lift...i dont even do it
> 
> 
> but i do agree....alot of people on gear still couldnt do it



u do understand i probably could have gotten at LEAST as many if i got my triceps activated by locking out.

even still, my elbows were almost locked out, no bodybuilder locks out shoulder press


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## KILLEROFSAINTS (Aug 2, 2012)

its impressive no matter what...but quick bouncy reps are much easier than traditional one
...not really a debate


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## Standard Donkey (Aug 2, 2012)

KILLEROFSAINTS said:


> its impressive no matter what...but quick bouncy reps are much easier than traditional one
> ...not really a debate



u can't bounce something off of nothing brah


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## KILLEROFSAINTS (Aug 2, 2012)

sure you can... why else would there be 3 diff kinds of strength

static...as in holding with a pause or just holding a weight
positive...lifting
negative...lowering
no pause = bounce

i mean duh


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## Standard Donkey (Aug 2, 2012)

KILLEROFSAINTS said:


> sure you can... why else would there be 3 diff kinds of strength
> 
> static...as in holding with a pause or just holding a weight
> positive...lifting
> ...



shit i was supposed to pause at the bottom of each rep? who the fuck lifts like that? lol damn


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## KILLEROFSAINTS (Aug 2, 2012)

didnt say you have to...people do that "constant tension,huh reps,ronnie/branch slingin" now

undoubtedly full reps are harder


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## Standard Donkey (Aug 2, 2012)

u had no pause either, and judging by the way you were lifting you definitely didnt have full control of the weight


anyways, im putting this to rest, eat a bag of dicks


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## KILLEROFSAINTS (Aug 2, 2012)

i didnt...hadnt touched a bar in forever...i was exhausted and dehydrated...i quit that job today
fuck that shit

you probly lifted totally fresh with prewouts in you and all that shit


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## SupaSwole (Aug 2, 2012)

I went to rehab for blow and thought I had it real bad... Til I saw some of the other fuckers there. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. When things are good there never as good as they seem and when things are bad there never as bad as they seem at the time. Start doin something new, anything new. Being bored was my biggest problem and I used blow to pass the time until it became a way of life. You gotta change your life bro. .......... The rehab only works if you want it to and the 12 steps are a fucking joke. Gotta want to have a different life. When you change your life things will slowly start to get better.


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## Diesel618 (Aug 2, 2012)

I like to do my Curls with a dead pause at the bottom. It gets em fried much better IMO. I'm not fuckin around with that on heavy Overhead presses tho. Hit your low point (chin or nose) and get going back up again. Fuck that.

KOS's set was more impressive, if for no other reason because he was natural lol


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## Diesel618 (Aug 2, 2012)

And anyone who says the 12 steps are bullshit has never properly worked them. They are the only thing that has gotten me to stop using heroin. And I'll be using them again now. Don't talk bad about a program you have no knowledge of because it saves countless lives on a daily fucking basis.

I'm not going to go to rehab, I'm just going to start going to NA and working the steps again more thouroughly this time and see if I can't uncover some deep-seeded shit. I will be starting grad school in the fall and hopefully finding a part-time job doing something. That's my next goal. Find shitty part-time job working evenings. Maybe bouncer.


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## NoCode8511 (Aug 2, 2012)

Diesel618 said:


> And anyone who says the 12 steps are bullshit has never properly worked them. They are the only thing that has gotten me to stop using heroin. And I'll be using them again now. Don't talk bad about a program you have no knowledge of because it saves countless lives on a daily fucking basis.
> 
> I'm not going to go to rehab, I'm just going to start going to NA and working the steps again more thouroughly this time and see if I can't uncover some deep-seeded shit. I will be starting grad school in the fall and hopefully finding a part-time job doing something. That's my next goal. Find shitty part-time job working evenings. *Maybe bouncer.*



Terrible idea if you want to stop using.


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## Diesel618 (Aug 3, 2012)

Thanks for all the positive feedback guys. A brother is balls deep in some bullshit.


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## theCaptn' (Aug 3, 2012)

Diesel618 said:


> Thanks for all the positive feedback guys. A brother is balls deep in some bullshit.



I enjoy what you bring to this forum Diesel, you sound like a smart guy doing dumb shit. Well, there's plenty of people who've been down that road including me.

If it wasn't for the iron and kids I would've ended up . . well, who the fuck knows. 

Do what you need to do to clean up - thank fuck you have your Mum - dont fuck that relationship up. 

And remember, there's always the moar misfortunate around, like Azza


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## SupaSwole (Aug 3, 2012)

Diesel618 said:


> And anyone who says the 12 steps are bullshit has never properly worked them. They are the only thing that has gotten me to stop using heroin. *And I'll be using them again now. Don't talk bad about a program you have no knowledge of because it saves countless lives on a daily fucking basis*.
> 
> I'm not going to go to rehab, I'm just going to start going to NA and working the steps again more thouroughly this time and see if I can't uncover some deep-seeded shit. I will be starting grad school in the fall and hopefully finding a part-time job doing something. That's my next goal. Find shitty part-time job working evenings. Maybe bouncer.




Fuck you you bitch ass junkie. What part of I've been to rehab did your junkie ass not get? I sat through 2 months of that bullshit 3 times a day. Best thing for you to do is triple your load up and pray for an overdose you stupid kid. Or maybe if you cry about it enough mommy will come let you suck her tits... GICH


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## largepkg (Aug 3, 2012)

Sitting through "2 months of that bullshit 3 times a day" qualify's you in some way? It takes 2 months to get through a couple of those steps. I understand some people go through rehab and are forced to sit in the rooms against their will but to suggest it's bullshit is, well, bullshit. This very program that you so callously put down saves lives daily. It's not for everyone but what is?

People seem to think these 12 steps are some hocus pocus crap. They're simply an instruction booklet into yourself, nothing more. They help you see yourself for what you are/were good and bad. Most have no clue who they really are. Work the 12 steps even if you're not an addict and more will be revealed.


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## charley (Aug 3, 2012)

If you have been coping with 'addiction problems' for 30 or 40 yrs , your take on it will be very different than a man with 5 yrs of addiction problems, he has yet to learn all the 'ropes' of addiction. I believe it's a life long challenge. But you need to start somewhere, and we all know 'Beginning's can be very difficult'  ...

..I don't like to insult a 'young junkie' because I know he's already confused about a lot of 'life's problems'.....  Just learn to listen , it's not about judgement....


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## SupaSwole (Aug 3, 2012)

Plain and simple all the rehab, 12 steps, hand holding and whatever doesn't do shit until YOUR ready to change your life. You can sit in AA or NA meetings all day everyday but if you aren't ready to have a different life then your blowing smoke up your ass.


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## largepkg (Aug 3, 2012)

Agreed. Although there is a saying in the rooms, "it doesn't matter what got you here". When I went to rehab I had no intention of getting clean. I was forced to go and ended up getting a bit of knowledge and have stayed clean.


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## DecaConstruction (Aug 3, 2012)

Diesel618 said:


> Thanks for all the positive feedback guys. A brother is balls deep in some bullshit.




Yo, buddy...I just read ur OP...U got support from alot of heads on this board bro.  Stay positive and keep looking forward - not for dope, but support from friends, (even us here on AG), family, and from anything else that makes you happy and motivated.  Fuck judgement from others....Speak up again any time ur feeling that way....and never let yesterdays bad thoughts use up too many of the good thoughts you got going today.  Hang in there homie and think rainbows - no homo


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## Diesel618 (Aug 7, 2012)

Only mild withdrawal symptoms but they are all pretty much cleared up now . Had a killer workout yesterday and I feel like I'm back to normal. Whatever the fuck that means. 

To SupaSwole: I don't take offense when people call me a junkie. I am a junkie. You should get more creative with your name-calling. Going to rehab has nothing to do with working the steps. You can't work the steps in rehab. You have to get a sponsor, call that sponsor, and follow his directions. It takes many people over a year to work all the steps. Took me over 9 months.

I feel, and I'm not alone in this, that anyone, whether they have ever had a sip of alcohol or not, could benefit greatly from working a good 12 step program. It's simply a guide to living a better, more honest life. It helps to free you from the bondage of Earthly possessions and what not that we all tend to succumb to at one time or another, and gets you focused on living a spiritually fulfilling life.


Anyways. I hope this thread dies soon. It's quite embarassing now when I see it. Thanks to all the brothers for your support though. It means a lot. I just heard today that Eagles' head coach Andy Reid's son died of a suspected drug overdose. People are falling off to addiction left and right. If anyone is having similar struggles I strongly urge you to reach out before it's too late.


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## [SIL] (Aug 7, 2012)

Diesel618 said:


> Only mild withdrawal symptoms but they are all pretty much cleared up now . Had a killer workout yesterday and I feel like I'm back to normal. Whatever the fuck that means.
> 
> To SupaSwole: I don't take offense when people call me a junkie. I am a junkie. You should get more creative with your name-calling. Going to rehab has nothing to do with working the steps. You can't work the steps in rehab. You have to get a sponsor, call that sponsor, and follow his directions. It takes many people over a year to work all the steps. Took me over 9 months.
> 
> ...




then stop bumping it..


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## Goodskie (Aug 7, 2012)

Get some narcan


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## Big Pimpin (Aug 7, 2012)

???SIL??? said:


> then stop bumping it..



Rail it instead.


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## secdrl (Aug 7, 2012)

4.00, some white girl, and couple placebos. Look good, Diesel?


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## Big Pimpin (Aug 7, 2012)




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## Big Pimpin (Aug 7, 2012)

Who has that gif file of that shop vac they named Charlie that toots a pile up?


----------



## ak1951 (Aug 7, 2012)

As for my experiences with addiction and suicide: All addictions stem from a problem?they are not the problem. I suffer from very low self-esteem even self hate. I use to get pissed off at people that would tell me that I had to learn to love myself?you betcha! This leads to worse depression and a horrible inside feeling about myself and life in general. I gravitated toward anything that would get me outside of myself. Projects cars, bikes, water/snow ski, sky diving etc. and new business were fun for awhile but would not hold my attention. I tried religion, counseling, step programs and they would up lift for a time but the depression would win out eventually?leading me back to drugs or drinking or both. Obviously this would take a book to fully explain but the bottom line is that as I sipped into the high and low of chemical use it was a slippery slop to less and less control over my addictions ( I called myself functional for a very long time.) So learning the reasons for my self abuse or the root of the problem(s) was (still is) the key. My mind told me that when I got to the feelings of suicide or the attempts, that I was about as far as I should go. Most people think that all you need do is stop using and everything will be OK?THAT IS A JOKE!!! Finding a replacement for self worth and self esteem just will not happen with chemicals or even financial or physical success(s).

My body building was spurred in the late 70?s 80?s for a few reasons. 1. As a kid I really appreciated and wanted to emulate body builders?Arnold was my hero and I thought that looking like that would make my life wonderful.  Later?I enjoyed the safety/protection that large muscles afforded plus it brought revenue with bouncing, body protection, training people, dance contests/troops and Chippendales ( I was a Marquee dancer) . But once again I found myself in a world of drugs and became very dependent on them (muscle drugs). There was just no end to getting bigger. I suffered with what I call ?reverse anorexia??I simply could not see my size. I also was not getting the respect or self-esteem I was looking for. IN FACT?I was becoming more alienated from people. When in public people would actually back away from me and I found that most women were intimidated (the nice ones). The women that were attracted to my sex trap body were barracuda/users that enjoyed using me like a trophy from a hunting trip?I was fun to show off but the emotions were not there. Ya I was ?taken care off? a few times and even married a GEORGIOUS millionaire (she wanted to get back at her X and wanted me to kill him) and that ended in devastating self destruction and a suicide attempt (mine). 

But I am off the subject?the one thing I have found is that chemicals?all chemicals are very very jealous lovers. Sure there are times with other people or girls when they are fun?even LOTS of fun! But when reality comes back you (me) are left alone?with your/my addiction(s). And they start talking to you! You say??man I have to quite this? and they say??Hey?I have always been here for you and now you want to leave me??!? And the chemicals are right?they are always there for you? So you end up having less and less fun and spending more time alone with your addictions which make the addiction very happy. 

So you get to where you  decide the only way out is suicide and the addiction has no problem with this and will even help you with the decision to end your life. It will get to spend eternity with you. The addiction loves you more than anything or anyone else and is always there for you. Obviously when suicide becomes the solution to your/my problem(s) you know something is radically wrong. 

What I am trying to say is that if you suffer like I do (and many others) the use is probably not the problem it is a symptom of a problem. Trying to go underneath to the root is really hard. For me now?I am simply trying to live totally sober off all drugs and it is not easy?the voices and bars are all still there calling me. I am back in the gym but as you get older it gets harder, in part because you are going down roads you have been before so the beginner joys are not there. I am looking at the new designer steroids (like peptides) and am not sure if it is something I should get into. I still bar back and bounce but it is not like the old days?the  young kids are strong as hell and just as crazy as ever!!!

Well this has gotten really long?sorry room?it just happened! Something touched my heart in this string and this was the response.  ak1951


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## ak1951 (Aug 7, 2012)

Sorry about all the typo and spelling...did not know that the editor was going to mess it all up and only give me 15 mins to fix it...bummer. Wish there was a delete so I could start all over.


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## celticthug (Aug 7, 2012)

Diesel618 said:


> Only mild withdrawal symptoms but they are all pretty much cleared up now . Had a killer workout yesterday and I feel like I'm back to normal. Whatever the fuck that means.
> 
> To SupaSwole: I don't take offense when people call me a junkie. I am a junkie. You should get more creative with your name-calling. Going to rehab has nothing to do with working the steps. You can't work the steps in rehab. You have to get a sponsor, call that sponsor, and follow his directions. It takes many people over a year to work all the steps. Took me over 9 months.
> 
> ...



Dont be embarassed! It took alotta fucking balls to com clean and admit your problem like you did! Shame only hurts you! I admit the problem i had.Its not the first thing i bring up in conversation when meeting new people! LOL! But i do.Its made me stronger! Get ur help,Bro! Hold your head up high! Best wishes for you,and good luck!


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## Big Pimpin (Aug 13, 2012)




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## Diesel618 (Aug 13, 2012)

Coke has always been a take or leave it thing for me. It's cool and all, but I would never have let it ruin my life the way heroin did.


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## REDDOG309 (Aug 13, 2012)

How many days have you been tottally clean, no bullshit, just a number.


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## Diesel618 (Aug 13, 2012)

9 from everything, 12 from heroin.


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## REDDOG309 (Aug 13, 2012)

good boy


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## Coop817 (Aug 14, 2012)

I didn't read very many of the responses, but you need to man the fuck up and decide if you want to be sober or not.  Go to rehab, do exactly what they say, especially what they tell you to do when you get out.....Stop complaining, the work doesn't give a fuck....now man up, or fuck off


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## coolhandjames (Aug 14, 2012)

After reading this thread i've decided life is too short.


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## Big Pimpin (Aug 14, 2012)

coolhandjames said:


> After reading this thread i've decided life is too short.


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## [SIL] (Aug 14, 2012)




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## Diesel618 (Aug 15, 2012)

Coop817 said:


> I didn't read very many of the responses, but you need to man the fuck up and decide if you want to be sober or not. Go to rehab, do exactly what they say, especially what they tell you to do when you get out.....Stop complaining, the work doesn't give a fuck....now man up, or fuck off



Shut up poop817. the world does care.


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## Coop817 (Aug 16, 2012)

Sorry bro, but the world doesn't give a fuck about you.  Do you really think anyone on this thread would lose a minute if sleep if you kept on drinking and drugging and died?  Like I said, man the fuck up, and decide if you WANT to get sober...if you do, then do the fucking work, if you don't, then kindly shut the fuck up and drink.  Also, in one if your posts you spout off about how to get sober, talking about sponsors and what needs to be done...stop running your mouth about what needs to be done to stay sober, because you obviously don't have a fucking clue how to stay sober.....you are just another active junkie telling the world how to quit drugs....pathetic.


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## [SIL] (Aug 16, 2012)

Coop817 said:


> Sorry bro, but the world doesn't give a fuck about you.  Do you really think anyone on this thread would lose a minute if sleep if you kept on drinking and drugging and died?  Like I said, man the fuck up, and decide if you WANT to get sober...if you do, then do the fucking work, if you don't, then kindly shut the fuck up and drink.  Also, in one if your posts you spout off about how to get sober, talking about sponsors and what needs to be done...stop running your mouth about what needs to be done to stay sober, because you obviously don't have a fucking clue how to stay sober.....you are just another active junkie telling the world how to quit drugs....pathetic.



well said..dose618 will never quit


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## theCaptn' (Aug 16, 2012)




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## Coop817 (Aug 24, 2012)

Bump to check if the OP has overdosed and died yet.


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## Diesel618 (Aug 24, 2012)

Still kicking, sober, and stronger and in better shape than poop817 

Also started grad school this week, so within 5 years I will be making more money than you too.


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## status44 (Aug 24, 2012)

Suboxone follow the program with the right doc and u wanna have to want to quit I was sniffing 25-30 Roxie's a day then one day said I can't do this shit no more got in a Suboxone doc and never looked back. Go to suboxones web site their is a list of doctors in any area. Good luck!!!!!!!


----------



## teezhay (Aug 25, 2012)

Diesel618 said:


> Still kicking, sober, and stronger and in better shape than poop817
> 
> Also started grad school this week, so within 5 years I will be making more money than you too.



I've never heard of a 5-year graduate program. I'll be finished with mine in no longer than three and I'm just starting, while working full-time. Or are you assuming it will take 1-2 years to find work? If that's the case then you should reconsider your chosen career path, because even most people I know with an MA have decent entry-level salaries. If you have an MS, then you shouldn't have any problem finding a lucrative position almost immediately. Anyone with those sorts of credentials in math, science, engineering, and technology can write their own ticket anywhere with the direction the economy is headed (in terms of areas of job growth, not generalized job growth).


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## Coop817 (Aug 25, 2012)

Diesel618 said:


> Still kicking, sober, and stronger and in better shape than poop817
> 
> Also started grad school this week, so within 5 years I will be making more money than you too.



That's funny.  I'm sure you will relapse and fail out of grad school.  Also, I own a company with 4 locations, and just over 50 employees....the chance of you making more money than me is just about....zero....you should wait until you get out of grad school, get a job, and get your first paycheck, before talking about how much you make...I'm making it now you little fucking junkie.


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## Diesel618 (Aug 25, 2012)

teezhay said:


> I've never heard of a 5-year graduate program. I'll be finished with mine in no longer than three and I'm just starting, while working full-time. Or are you assuming it will take 1-2 years to find work? If that's the case then you should reconsider your chosen career path, because even most people I know with an MA have decent entry-level salaries. If you have an MS, then you shouldn't have any problem finding a lucrative position almost immediately. Anyone with those sorts of credentials in math, science, engineering, and technology can write their own ticket anywhere with the direction the economy is headed (in terms of areas of job growth, not generalized job growth).




average length of pharmacology program at my school is 5.2 years


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## cube789 (Aug 2, 2013)

Diesel618 said:


> I have made an ass of myself on this site for a while now. I have been arguing just to argue and posting worthless, stupid shit void of any value to anyone. I have revealed on this site that I have been battling heroin addiction for 5 years or so, with a year and a half of recovery spread throughout that time. I had been 6 months clean and relapsed. Just had 6 months again and relapsed about a month ago and been doing it increasingly frequently ever since. I have been IV'ing heroin and coke and eating xanax and smoking hella weed. Been drunk a few times in the past month. I am going nowhere fast. Haven't made any gains in strength or size in that month. Stuck at 225. My girlfriend left me when she found needles a couple weeks ago. Without her income, coupled with my prolonged  increasingly expensive binge, I can't afford keep my apartment. This weekend, I will be moving back in with my mom. I'm 22 fucking years old and moving back to mommy's house. My summer job will be over in 2 weeks and I don't have anything else lined up. I will be commuting to school from my mom's house in the fall and have no income lined up at the moment. My life is so fucking worthless right now. I'm at least 4 years from getting any kind of real job I and I don't even know what I want to do for a career right now. Either a pharmacologist, Pharmacist, Chemist. I have dreams and aspirations of being a scientist for a supplement company and developing and producing new supplements and brewing gear and eventually opening my own placebo company, but I'll never get there if I keep relapsing every 6 months. I know I am about to get ripped because this is AG and I've made a few enemies with my stupid mean-hearted bullshit ass young attitude, but any words of encouragement would mean the world to me right now. I'm suicidal as fuck and I have enough dope to do it. Idk what to do. Here come the insults but I deserve it.


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## Renaissance Man (Aug 2, 2013)

Man alive, how did I miss this gem of a thread ?


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## Diesel618 (Aug 2, 2013)

lol. strong bump


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## [SIL] (Aug 3, 2013)

lmao..so much for the claims that dunce never done heroin..''only opiates''


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## [SIL] (Aug 3, 2013)

still lives with mom


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## [SIL] (Aug 3, 2013)

probably steals money from her


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## [SIL] (Aug 3, 2013)

shaves with her leg razors


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## sneedham (Aug 3, 2013)

Wonder how he is?

Sent from my HTC6435LVW using Tapatalk 4 Beta


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## dave 236 (Aug 3, 2013)

If he has any legal problems from this or any traceable rehab time for opiate addiction or addiction to any other pharmaceutical drugs he wouldn't be able to even get an interview to enter pharmacy school. Im sorry but i just don't buy half of his shit. I know really smart people with no problems like he has mentioned who couldn't manage to complete a bio or chem degree by his age. I respectfully call bull shit.


Sent from my DROID RAZR HD using Tapatalk 2


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## Diesel618 (Aug 3, 2013)

dave 236 said:


> If he has any legal problems from this or any traceable rehab time for opiate addiction or addiction to any other pharmaceutical drugs he wouldn't be able to even get an interview to enter pharmacy school. Im sorry but i just don't buy half of his shit. I know really smart people with no problems like he has mentioned who couldn't manage to complete a bio or chem degree by his age. I respectfully call bull shit.
> 
> 
> Sent from my DROID RAZR HD using Tapatalk 2



No legal problems. Did go to rehab. Who said anything about pharmacy school? I have a Bachelor's in Chemistry, and I am currently enrolled in a pharmacology program, but am considering switching to PA.


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## Diesel618 (Aug 3, 2013)

[SIL] said:


> lmao..so much for the claims that dunce never done heroin..''only opiates''



Heroin is an opiate. I love it when your ignorance shines through. I never claimed I had never done heroin. Only popular drugs I've never done are crack, meth, and PCP. And I moved back in with my mom for like 3 months before moving back out. Not that any of this matters. I'm sure you will find a way to feel superior somehow, seeing that you clearly have never sniffed any semblance of success in real life and your identity is completely tied to internet bodybuilding forums.


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## [SIL] (Aug 3, 2013)

Diesel618 said:


> Heroin is an opiate. I love it when your ignorance shines through. I never claimed I had never done heroin. Only popular drugs I've never done are crack, meth, and PCP. And I moved back in with my mom for like 3 months before moving back out. Not that any of this matters. I'm sure you will find a way to feel superior somehow, seeing that *you clearly have never sniffed any semblance of success in real life* and your identity is completely tied to internet bodybuilding forums.





Diesel618 said:


> I have made an ass of myself on this site for a while now. I have been arguing just to argue and posting worthless, stupid shit void of any value to anyone. I have revealed on this site that I have been battling heroin addiction for 5 years or so, with a year and a half of recovery spread throughout that time. I had been 6 months clean and relapsed. Just had 6 months again and relapsed about a month ago and been doing it increasingly frequently ever since. I have been IV'ing heroin and coke and eating xanax and smoking hella weed. Been drunk a few times in the past month. I am going nowhere fast. Haven't made any gains in strength or size in that month. Stuck at 225. My girlfriend left me when she found needles a couple weeks ago. Without her income, coupled with my prolonged increasingly expensive binge, I can't afford keep my apartment. This weekend, I will be moving back in with my mom. I'm 22 fucking years old and moving back to mommy's house. My summer job will be over in 2 weeks and I don't have anything else lined up. I will be commuting to school from my mom's house in the fall and have no income lined up at the moment. My life is so fucking worthless right now. I'm at least 4 years from getting any kind of real job I and I don't even know what I want to do for a career right now. Either a pharmacologist, Pharmacist, Chemist. I have dreams and aspirations of being a scientist for a supplement company and developing and producing new supplements and brewing gear and eventually opening my own placebo company, but I'll never get there if I keep relapsing every 6 months. I know I am about to get ripped because this is AG and I've made a few enemies with my stupid mean-hearted bullshit ass young attitude, but any words of encouragement would mean the world to me right now. I'm suicidal as fuck and I have enough dope to do it. Idk what to do. Here come the insults but I deserve it.



lmao you are a joke son..keep it up


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## dave 236 (Aug 3, 2013)

Diesel618 said:


> No legal problems. Did go to rehab. Who said anything about pharmacy school? I have a Bachelor's in Chemistry, and I am currently enrolled in a pharmacology program, but am considering switching to PA.



In the op you said pharmacist, it requires pharmacy school you also said you had a bachelor's in chem and biology at 22 presumably while battling all these drug issues. I still call bullshit!

Sent from my DROID RAZR HD using Tapatalk 2


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## dave 236 (Aug 3, 2013)

They wont accept you in any medical school for PA either with a history of drug addiction just so you can lie more convincingly on any other boards. GICH

Sent from my DROID RAZR HD using Tapatalk 2


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## [SIL] (Aug 3, 2013)

dave 236 said:


> In the op you said pharmacist, it requires pharmacy school you also said you had a bachelor's in chem and biology at 22 presumably while battling all these drug issues. I still call bullshit!
> 
> Sent from my DROID RAZR HD using Tapatalk 2



off course he has bs in chem..he's a crackhead


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## SheriV (Aug 3, 2013)

I gotta be honest...school for biology was a breeze and I had a crap load of stuff going on. It just clicked for me. I wasn't high on anything though.
..I hate some chemistry tho (really really hate it)


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## SheriV (Aug 3, 2013)

wait...woooaa...time out

BA in Chem? now I call bullshit...chem would be a BS


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## dave 236 (Aug 3, 2013)

SheriV said:


> I gotta be honest...school for biology was a breeze and I had a crap load of stuff going on. It just clicked for me. I wasn't high on anything though.
> ..I hate some chemistry tho (really really hate it)



I have a bio degree and i agree with you as it comes pretty natural to me as well. I also despise any general chem and physics but i know enough about it all to know that tough is the understatement of the decade when talking about completing those two together by the age of 22 while dealing with relapses into opiate addiction. Im just not buying his shit.

Sent from my DROID RAZR HD using Tapatalk 2


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## dave 236 (Aug 3, 2013)

SheriV said:


> I gotta be honest...school for biology was a breeze and I had a crap load of stuff going on. It just clicked for me. I wasn't high on anything though.
> ..I hate some chemistry tho (really really hate it)





Sent from my DROID RAZR HD using Tapatalk 2


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## Bowden (Aug 3, 2013)

SheriV said:


> wait...woooaa...time out
> 
> BA in Chem? now I call bullshit...chem would be a BS



Lots of colleges offer a BA in chem.


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## SheriV (Aug 3, 2013)

what good would a arts in chem even be?


I mean, thats no labs....just theory?


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## SheriV (Aug 3, 2013)

I just looked..I stand utterly corrected. I've never heard of it honestly...I lost interest in chem right after we lit gummy bears on fire (true story)


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## Bowden (Aug 3, 2013)

SheriV said:


> what good would a arts in chem even be?
> 
> 
> I mean, thats no labs....just theory?



Prep for med school for one.


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## dieseljimmy (Aug 3, 2013)

Im the dean of masturbatory sciences school at the prestigious Australian school of proctology. You know who the president is...


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## Diesel618 (Aug 3, 2013)

I have a BS in Chem. Not a BA. I do have an Associate in Arts though, as well as an Associate in Science (all the requirements were essentially the same, so I got both by completing my AS coursework). PA's do not go to med school, and I've already been accepted into the program. Ignorance is running rampant on this forum.


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## [SIL] (Aug 3, 2013)

wp has phd in chem


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## SheriV (Aug 3, 2013)

which PA school if you're comfortable sharing?


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## Aries1 (Aug 3, 2013)

I'm gonna drink beer and snort coke tonite, Diesel. MMmmm   mmmm...


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## dave 236 (Aug 3, 2013)

Diesel618 said:


> I have a BS in Chem. Not a BA. I do have an Associate in Arts though, as well as an Associate in Science (all the requirements were essentially the same, so I got both by completing my AS coursework). PA's do not go to med school, and I've already been accepted into the program. Ignorance is running rampant on this forum.



Yes please tell me where they allow someone with a history of drug rehab to join a program that will one day allow you to prescribe some controlled substances? Single im the ignorant ine indulge me with your wisdom. 

Sent from my DROID RAZR HD using Tapatalk 2


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## dave 236 (Aug 3, 2013)

You're a liar( and not even a good one of those)

Sent from my DROID RAZR HD using Tapatalk 2


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## Diesel618 (Aug 3, 2013)

SheriV said:


> which PA school if you're comfortable sharing?



Saint Louis University. Same school I've been at since junior year of undergrad.


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## dieseljimmy (Aug 3, 2013)

Aries1 said:


> I'm gonna drink beer and snort coke tonite, Diesel. MMmmm   mmmm...



Everyone knows a mixed drink with a carbonated beverage more naturally lends itself to cocaine use... cmon bro your better then that, I expect better recreational drug broscience out of you


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## Diesel618 (Aug 3, 2013)

Chemistry is really not that hard if you have a decent foundation from high school and general/organic. It takes work outside of the classroom/lab yes, but it is not as hard to understand as the general public tends to believe. People are just lazy.


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## Diesel618 (Aug 3, 2013)

dave 236 said:


> You're a liar( and not even a good one of those)
> 
> Sent from my DROID RAZR HD using Tapatalk 2



ok bro. you got me. what is my degree in? and what was my drug of choice?


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## SheriV (Aug 3, 2013)

Diesel618 said:


> Chemistry is really not that hard if you have a decent foundation from high school and general/organic. It takes work outside of the classroom/lab yes, but it is not as hard to understand as the general public tends to believe. People are just lazy.




perhaps, perhaps not, the lazy part.

To tell you the truth is bored the shit out of me and unless it somehow related to mammalian science I hated the hell out of it. I also have decently bad add so anything that isn't interesting to me is just like words sliding off of the page to me but know what? you make your sweeping generalizations and I'll make mine


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## dave 236 (Aug 3, 2013)

Diesel618 said:


> ok bro. you got me. what is my degree in? and what was my drug of choice?



I dont know but where did you ( and when) get your 500 hours of direct patient care? Its part off the qualifications for being accepted to your program. You sure have accomplished a lot of stuff at your age to have all the issues you claim...

Sent from my DROID RAZR HD using Tapatalk 2


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## Diesel618 (Aug 3, 2013)

I still work as a PTA...ask SIL he's got my entire life saved on his computer.


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## dave 236 (Aug 3, 2013)

Diesel618 said:


> I still work as a PTA...ask SIL he's got my entire life saved on his computer.



Im done with your horse shit. You have a summer job as a PT asst but cant afford to live with out girlfriends or mamma...hmm you cant even keep your own story straight. 

Sent from my DROID RAZR HD using Tapatalk 2


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## KILLEROFSAINTS (Aug 3, 2013)

if I would have had parents I def would have used it to my advantage


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## cube789 (Aug 4, 2013)




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## cube789 (Aug 4, 2013)




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## Renaissance Man (Aug 4, 2013)

Whole thread neg'd

Plus I'm gonna motion for this thread to be killed.

Thanks !


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## Renaissance Man (Aug 4, 2013)

cube789 said:


>





Like, the camera man couldn't just be like " no... like this dood "


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## Aries1 (Aug 5, 2013)

dieseljimmy said:


> Everyone knows a mixed drink with a carbonated beverage more naturally lends itself to cocaine use... cmon bro your better then that, I expect better recreational drug broscience out of you


Liquor and sugary drinks give me bad heartburn. Also, I love beer.


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## Diesel618 (Aug 5, 2013)

dave 236 said:


> Im done with your horse shit. You have a summer job as a PT asst but cant afford to live with out girlfriends or mamma...hmm you cant even keep your own story straight.
> 
> Sent from my DROID RAZR HD using Tapatalk 2



I told myself I was done with this thread but I just can't resist. Must be the addict in me.

PTA is no summer job. It is very intense, both on the job and in regards to the coursework. I only took my boards this May, but I am already almost half way to 500 hours at the University hospital here. $17.50/hr if you were curious, but no benefits. I was accepted into said PA program starting in January if I choose to take advantage. I am still in good standing with the pharmacology program though, so I haven't decided which way to go. I'm going to be another 70-100K in debt either way I go, but I will probably make more $ as a PA than a drug researcher, so I am leaning towards that. I would be done in 2 years as opposed to another 4 as well which would be nice.

Money is very tight, but I don't live with a girlfriend or mother. There is no story, this is my life. I am a recovering heroin addict. I also have a job and a degree and a PTA license. I don't see what is so hard to believe about my life. I have never made any outrageous claims about money, cars, nice houses, hot girlfriends etc.


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## Diesel618 (Aug 5, 2013)

KILLEROFSAINTS said:


> if I would have had parents I def would have used it to my advantage



not sure if this is a jab at me or not, but I assure you I was not handed anything. I have a mountain of debt from student loans, and I also earned several generous scholarships to get me through. I had no car for several years, and the one I have now is on its last leg but it's gonna have to last. The only help I've received from my mom was a roof over my head and food on the table. Granted, that is more than a lot of people can say, but those were the cards I was dealt. As soon as I was able, I got my own efficiency apartment again though, and haven't been evicted yet. I pay all my own bills and buy all my own cheap ass GMO food, and pay for my own god damn $4/gal gas. To most people that is normal, but to a dope fiend like me, it is pretty fuckin cool.


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## theCaptn' (Aug 5, 2013)

My ex stole money and blamed my 6yr old son to feed her drug habit


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## withoutrulers (Aug 6, 2013)

theCaptn' said:


> My ex stole money and blamed my 6yr old son to feed her drug habit


That is just beyond low. I let an addict friend stay in my apt once cause he was homeless. He repaid my kindness by stealing everything i owned while i was at work.


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## Watson (Aug 6, 2013)

theCaptn' said:


> My ex stole money and blamed my 6yr old son to feed her drug habit



what was she on ?


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## Watson (Aug 6, 2013)

i always wanted a gf who stole to hire hookers for 3somes with me, but i never had the luck....or my luck the 3rd person would be a black guy with a 14inch cock


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## dave 236 (Aug 6, 2013)

Diesel618 said:


> I have made an ass of myself on this site for a while now. I have been arguing just to argue and posting worthless, stupid shit void of any value to anyone. I have revealed on this site that I have been battling heroin addiction for 5 years or so, with a year and a half of recovery spread throughout that time. I had been 6 months clean and relapsed. Just had 6 months again and relapsed about a month ago and been doing it increasingly frequently ever since. I have been IV'ing heroin and coke and eating xanax and smoking hella weed. Been drunk a few times in the past month. I am going nowhere fast. Haven't made any gains in strength or size in that month. Stuck at 225. My girlfriend left me when she found needles a couple weeks ago. Without her income, coupled with my prolonged  increasingly expensive binge, I can't afford keep my apartment. This weekend, I will be moving back in with my mom. I'm 22 fucking years old and moving back to mommy's house. My summer job will be over in 2 weeks and I don't have anything else lined up. I will be commuting to school from my mom's house in the fall and have no income lined up at the moment. My life is so fucking worthless right now. I'm at least 4 years from getting any kind of real job I and I don't even know what I want to do for a career right now. Either a pharmacologist, Pharmacist, Chemist. I have dreams and aspirations of being a scientist for a supplement company and developing and producing new supplements and brewing gear and eventually opening my own placebo company, but I'll never get there if I keep relapsing every 6 months. I know I am about to get ripped because this is AG and I've made a few enemies with my stupid mean-hearted bullshit ass young attitude, but any words of encouragement would mean the world to me right now. I'm suicidal as fuck and I have enough dope to do it. Idk what to do. Here come the insults but I deserve it.



Then your entire 1st post is a lie as i will continue to believe the rest of everything you say is. Thanks for playing.

Sent from my DROID RAZR HD using Tapatalk 2


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## dave 236 (Aug 6, 2013)

Diesel618 said:


> I told myself I was done with this thread but I just can't resist. Must be the addict in me.
> 
> PTA is no summer job. It is very intense, both on the job and in regards to the coursework. I only took my boards this May, but I am already almost half way to 500 hours at the University hospital here. $17.50/hr if you were curious, but no benefits. I was accepted into said PA program starting in January if I choose to take advantage. I am still in good standing with the pharmacology program though, so I haven't decided which way to go. I'm going to be another 70-100K in debt either way I go, but I will probably make more $ as a PA than a drug researcher, so I am leaning towards that. I would be done in 2 years as opposed to another 4 as well which would be nice.
> 
> Money is very tight, but I don't live with a girlfriend or mother. There is no story, this is my life. I am a recovering heroin addict. I also have a job and a degree and a PTA license. I don't see what is so hard to believe about my life. I have never made any outrageous claims about money, cars, nice houses, hot girlfriends etc.



Just compare the inconsistencies...

Sent from my DROID RAZR HD using Tapatalk 2


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## theCaptn' (Aug 6, 2013)

Griffith said:


> what was she on ?



She IS on meth.


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## [SIL] (Aug 6, 2013)

theCaptn' said:


> She IS on meth.



cant wait till diesel jumps on it too


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## XYZ (Aug 6, 2013)

theCaptn' said:


> She IS on meth.



THAT is totally messed up.  I hope you have full custody of your kids, I couldn't imagine WTF they have to deal with if she is still involved.  

Honestly, I feel for you Bro.  That is not a situation I wish upon anyone, well................almost anyone.


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## njc (Aug 6, 2013)

Diesel618 said:


> I have made an ass of myself on this site for a while now. I have been arguing just to argue and posting worthless, stupid shit void of any value to anyone. I have revealed on this site that I have been battling heroin addiction for 5 years or so, with a year and a half of recovery spread throughout that time. I had been 6 months clean and relapsed. Just had 6 months again and relapsed about a month ago and been doing it increasingly frequently ever since. I have been IV'ing heroin and coke and eating xanax and smoking hella weed. Been drunk a few times in the past month. I am going nowhere fast. Haven't made any gains in strength or size in that month. Stuck at 225. My girlfriend left me when she found needles a couple weeks ago. Without her income, coupled with my prolonged  increasingly expensive binge, I can't afford keep my apartment. This weekend, I will be moving back in with my mom. I'm 22 fucking years old and moving back to mommy's house. My summer job will be over in 2 weeks and I don't have anything else lined up. I will be commuting to school from my mom's house in the fall and have no income lined up at the moment. My life is so fucking worthless right now. I'm at least 4 years from getting any kind of real job I and I don't even know what I want to do for a career right now. Either a pharmacologist, Pharmacist, Chemist. I have dreams and aspirations of being a scientist for a supplement company and developing and producing new supplements and brewing gear and eventually opening my own placebo company, but I'll never get there if I keep relapsing every 6 months. I know I am about to get ripped because this is AG and I've made a few enemies with my stupid mean-hearted bullshit ass young attitude, but any words of encouragement would mean the world to me right now. I'm suicidal as fuck and I have enough dope to do it. Idk what to do. Here come the insults but I deserve it.



You need to come clean to everybody in your life and let them know what's been going on.  And then you need to seek professional help.  Nobody in your family will love you any less, and they should support you.  You'll feel a great weight lifted off of your shoulders when this is done.  You can take these steps, or you can die.....don't die.  I've lost a couple of friends to heroin, no shit.  The pain and suffering it causes family and friends is beyond measure.  You need to man up and seek help for yourself AND for your family.  There's nothing pathetic about asking for help.


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## Watson (Aug 7, 2013)

theCaptn' said:


> She IS on meth.



fucken hate junkies....sorry to hear that cap....

hope ur doing u best to keep the kids away from her


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## Diesel618 (Aug 7, 2013)

Check the dates you retards. I haven't used in 9 months.


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## Diesel618 (Aug 7, 2013)

dave 236 said:


> Just compare the inconsistencies...
> 
> Sent from my DROID RAZR HD using Tapatalk 2



yes...a lot can happen in a year's time.


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## Diesel618 (Aug 7, 2013)

withoutrulers said:


> That is just beyond low. I let an addict friend stay in my apt once cause he was homeless. He repaid my kindness by stealing everything i owned while i was at work.



that was smart


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## Watson (Aug 7, 2013)

Diesel618 said:


> Check the dates you retards. I haven't used in 9 months.



if thats directed at me....i was talking about captns ex not u, but if ur a junkie then it also applys to you and anyone who has nothing to give to this world and make it a better place....


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## [SIL] (Aug 26, 2013)

great thread


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## cube789 (Aug 27, 2013)

Diesel618 said:


> Check the dates you retards. I haven't used in 9 months.



just say nien to drugs


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## Renaissance Man (Aug 28, 2013)

^^^ Wonderful cunt


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## [SIL] (Mar 25, 2015)

classic


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## Diesel618 (Mar 25, 2015)

epic 3 year bump lol. Well worth it I'm sure.


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## [SIL] (Mar 25, 2015)

have u started living on the streets already?


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## theCaptn' (Mar 25, 2015)

Here for lol town!


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## KILLEROFSAINTS (Mar 25, 2015)

Sigh
Good ole days


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## theCaptn' (Mar 25, 2015)

KILLEROFSAINTS said:


> Sigh
> Good ole days



Bring it back! You've gone soft Kos


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## SheriV (Mar 25, 2015)

I have recently gotten rather fond of diesel618


I am however fondling sfw at the moment...


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## SeattlesBest (Mar 25, 2015)

Keep your head up bro, with some hard work you'll be out of this in no time.. Only be a bad memory. Don't sell your self short. Your only 22 home boy!


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## SeattlesBest (Mar 25, 2015)

Shit this thread is old as fuck lol


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## futureMrO (Mar 26, 2015)

just give in, fuck it. drugs are totally safe, the guy that sells them to me told me so


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## KILLEROFSAINTS (Mar 31, 2015)

i like that dude

but shit


he is like the embodiment of what is wrong with america



he is a big dude...decent genes


he has family...has always been cared for...provided for... and what does he do with said oppurtunity at prosperous life  on multiple occasions



ummmm durrr...guess ill get fucked up some more... wooopeee
thanx mom.... i think hes better now...but shit


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## Diesel618 (Apr 16, 2015)

KOS you are right I wasted a lot of good oppurtunities when I was younger but I got back on my feet and put myself through a Physical Therapist Assistant program and made almost 40 grand last year doing that while finishing up edy bachelor's. I got into a PA program but I've deferred another year to keep working full time and saving money. I am a liscensed medical professional working full time and going to school full time. You work in a factory for minimum wage last time I checked. Yeah and I'm what's wrong with America. Fuck off fatass.


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## skinnyguy180 (Apr 16, 2015)

Diesel618 said:


> KOS you are right I wasted a lot of good oppurtunities when I was younger but I got back on my feet and put myself through a Physical Therapist Assistant program and made almost 40 grand last year doing that while finishing up edy bachelor's. I got into a PA program but I've deferred another year to keep working full time and saving money. I am a liscensed medical professional working full time and going to school full time. You work in a factory for minimum wage last time I checked. Yeah and I'm what's wrong with America. Fuck off fatass.




BAHAHAH...


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## heckler7 (Apr 16, 2015)

I fucking hate tweekers, but here I am pinning illegal substances so I'm a hypocrite


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## camarosuper6 (Apr 24, 2015)

Heh....I miss this place sometimes, for threads just like this..


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## Watson (Apr 25, 2015)

SheriV said:


> I have recently gotten rather fond of diesel618
> 
> 
> I am however fondling sfw at the moment...



you really should read diesels618s comments about getting a boner for his 10/12yr old niece....someone bump that shit....then you tell us what u think about him...


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