# How many of you think you could take a chimpanzee?



## Diesel618 (Mar 4, 2011)

So I'm all stoned watching this special on vicious chimpanzee attacks, and I can't help but feel that with a 100-200 mg injection of test suspension, some tren built up in my blood, and a few halotestin, I could take one of those dumb fuckin things. They've got some pretty big hands, so if it caught you with one you'd more than likely be down for the count, but come on they're like 5 feet tall and several hundreds of thousands of years behind us in evolution.

No guns or knives either.


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## Imosted (Mar 4, 2011)

it is almost impassible for a man to take out a chimpanzee, they are 'if i remember correct' 3 times stronger then us, but if you are lucky and somehow take its eyes out then you got a chance...


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## ihateschoolmt (Mar 5, 2011)

Chimps are 5 times stronger and no human is a match for them according to this. Most animals can take a human 1 on 1 with no weapons. I think a raccoon could kill most people haha. Q: How Much Stronger Than Humans Are Chimpanzees? - Blogcritics Sci/Tech


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## vortrit (Mar 5, 2011)

Diesel618 said:


> *So I'm all stoned*



Like this wasn't obvious after reading the title of the thread.


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## fufu (Mar 5, 2011)

No one is taking down a chimp. They can rip your hands and feet off!


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## MissionHockey (Mar 5, 2011)

A chimp would tie any human into a pretzel.

Sent from my PC36100 using Tapatalk


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## Work IN Progress (Mar 5, 2011)

Have you ever seen those fuckers fight each other.  Those bastards got no quit in em.  No way are you gonna KO a primate.  They take punches better than MMA champions


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## DOMS (Mar 5, 2011)

*
Opposable thumbs, bitches!*





.
.


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## Diesel618 (Mar 5, 2011)

I wonder what their testosterone levels are compared to humans. I can't find it on google or maybe I just don't know the right key words to use. 

Upon further review, I don't much like my chances against a chimp.

Now what about a gorilla vs. bruce banner?


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## Arnold (Mar 5, 2011)

In 1924, the Bronx Zoo tested the relative strength of a 165-pound man against a 165-pound chimpanzee. Using a dynamometer, which measures strength by the force of a pull on a spring, the man was able to pull 210 pounds. The chimp, on the other hand, pulled almost 900.

The lesson: Don’t mess with the apes. Pound for pound, chimpanzees are about five times stronger than humans. In fact, a human is no match for a chimpanzee, regardless of age or sex. In the same Bronx experiment, a 135-pound female chimp pulled a whopping 1,260 pounds. Scientists also estimate that, by the tender age of five, young chimpanzees are already stronger than adult humans.

Read more: Q: How Much Stronger Than Humans Are Chimpanzees? - Blogcritics Sci/Tech


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## Little Wing (Mar 5, 2011)

yes you could take a chimp. 













provided he's only a few days old and his mother or troop is nowhere around.


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## Curt James (Mar 5, 2011)

Diesel618 said:


> So I'm all stoned watching this special on vicious chimpanzee attacks, and I can't help but feel that with a 100-200 mg injection of test suspension, some tren built up in my blood, and a few halotestin, I could take one of those dumb fuckin things. (snip)
> 
> No guns or knives either.



Bring along a bazooka, _braaaaah._



fufu said:


> No one is taking down a chimp. They can rip your hands and feet off!



This.



Little Wing said:


> yes you could take a chimp.



Yer diabolical. 

And if you believe fufu is kidding...

"*Charla Nash* said she saw the chimpanzee  throw large objects around his cage, flash his teeth and pound the bars  so violently his hands would bleed and the cage had to be rewelded. Nash, who appeared on "The Oprah Winfrey  Show" Wednesday, said she told the owner, Sandra Herold, eight or 10  times he was dangerous.

The Feb. 16 attack occurred when Herold  asked her friend Nash to help lure the animal back into her house in  Stamford. *The chimpanzee ripped off Nash's hands, nose, lips and  eyelids."*

More @ *Woman Attacked by Chimp Reveals Face on 'Oprah' - FoxNews.com*
​


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## Diesel618 (Mar 5, 2011)

All you naysayers are makin me want to broadcast this fight and make millions off it.

Everything is impossible until someone mans up and does it.

Look for it on PPV. Commercials will be airing soon.


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## Little Wing (Mar 5, 2011)

it would be suicide by stupidity. people _would_ buy tickets but who gets the money when it's over? i say the chimp. 

it always bugs me when some human does something abhorrable or idiotic and they kill the poor animal after like it doesn't deserve to go on living because it tidied up the natural order of things a bit.


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## GFR (Mar 5, 2011)

Dale is the only human ever born who could beatup a chimp. 

True story.


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## LAM (Mar 5, 2011)

primates are mostly upper body strength, with weak lower legs the mechanics for punching power just isn't there. but they can surely rip your face off or arm out of socket with ease.

now kickboxing would be a different story, I'd fight the chimp from the movie Grandma's Boy


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## blazeftp (Mar 5, 2011)

Nah.
There would be no contest.
Even someone like Mariusz Pudzianowski would last 2 min.

Now a bear.....that would be a fight.


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## SilentBob187 (Mar 5, 2011)

YouTube Video











I'll smoke it with you bro.  We'll go to the looney bin together, I don't give a f*ck.


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## lnvanry (Mar 5, 2011)

no tools or weapons?....pretty much takes away a humans number one advantage, the brain.  There is a reason why our brain consumes more calories to function than any other portion of our body.


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## stylus187 (Mar 5, 2011)

Fuck no!! a chimp would bight the fuck out of you. For get about the bight, he could literall crush and tare your limbs. I have the oddest mental picture of actually fighting a chimp. It would be a very strange and awkward feeling, to punch a chimp in the face!! Im sorry, but if you think you could take a chimp... well, good luck with that!!!!!


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## Curt James (Mar 5, 2011)

Diesel618 said:


> All you naysayers are makin me want to broadcast this fight and make millions off it.
> 
> Everything is impossible until someone mans up and does it.
> 
> Look for it on PPV. Commercials will be airing soon.



This would be the greatest fight since the Dhaliwal brothers took on the Siberian tiger at the San Francisco Zoo. 

"In the ambulance to the hospital just after a tiger mauled  17-year-old Carlos Sousa Jr. to death, paramedics heard Sousa's two  friends make a pact of silence about "what we did," the _San Francisco Chronicle_  reports. The two brothers, accused by one witness of taunting the tiger  before the attack, have since refused to let police search their car,  cell phone records, and photos.                                                                                                                                                                               

*The two  survivors had been drinking and using marijuana at the time of the  attack, the Chronicle reports.* Meanwhile, the San Francisco zoo  has beefed up its enclosures and is expected to open today. Zoo  officials said yesterday that the wall around its polar bear enclosure,  like that of the tiger enclosure, also is too low and is being raised."

More @ *SF Tiger Attack Survivors Made Silence Pact - Brothers vowed in ambulance not to talk to police, report says

*And the one Dhaliwal brother said to the other, "Here, hold my beer!"


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## stylus187 (Mar 5, 2011)

Prince said:


> In 1924, the Bronx Zoo tested the relative strength of a 165-pound man against a 165-pound chimpanzee. Using a dynamometer, which measures strength by the force of a pull on a spring, the man was able to pull 210 pounds. The chimp, on the other hand, pulled almost 900.
> 
> The lesson: Don???t mess with the apes. Pound for pound, chimpanzees are about five times stronger than humans. In fact, a human is no match for a chimpanzee, regardless of age or sex. In the same Bronx experiment, a 135-pound female chimp pulled a whopping 1,260 pounds. Scientists also estimate that, by the tender age of five, young chimpanzees are already stronger than adult humans.
> 
> Read more: Q: How Much Stronger Than Humans Are Chimpanzees? - Blogcritics Sci/Tech


No shit!!! You have to be fucking crazier then a shithouse rat, if you think you could take a chimp!!


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## Imosted (Mar 5, 2011)

The only person who take out a chimpanzee is *Chuck Norris.
*Anyone can piss on the floor, but chuck Norris can shit on the ceiling!!!!
He is the MAN


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## PreMier (Mar 5, 2011)

Curt James said:


> Bring along a bazooka, _braaaaah._
> 
> 
> 
> ...


damn.. thats gnarly  http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/Chimp-Attack-Victim-Charla-Nash-Shows-Her-Face/1


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## PreMier (Mar 5, 2011)

blazeftp said:


> Nah.
> There would be no contest.
> Even someone like Mariusz Pudzianowski would last 2 min.
> 
> Now a bear.....that would be a fight.



i dont know about that.. your talking about one of the strongest humans ever.  on average, a man would get a beat down.. but a strongman? it might be a different story


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## Diesel618 (Mar 5, 2011)

Ok brass knuckles are allowed. But nothing else.


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## carmineb (Mar 5, 2011)

i heard they distract u by swinging at your face and when your arms are up, they go for your balls and rip them out of their pouch....  it is their basic move.  to castrate u ....  that is why I would stand a small chance, the moment they go for mine, I'd be like sorry sucker, wife got to them first!  .


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## david (Mar 5, 2011)

Chimps are definitely viscious and tough and would probably rip me to shreds.


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## GFR (Mar 5, 2011)

LAM said:


> primates are mostly upper body strength, with weak lower legs the mechanics for punching power just isn't there.


HAHAHAHAH


Dunce post of the month.

Next thing you will tell us is Astronauts don't eat real food.


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## Curt James (Mar 5, 2011)

Diesel618 said:


> Ok brass knuckles are allowed. But nothing else.



It would eat the knucks _and _your fist. 



PreMier, right? I Googled for the story and then saw her... _face_. Not good.


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## klc9100 (Mar 5, 2011)

i would run across the ring, jump the fuck up and drop-kick that monkey, man.

fuck the monkeys . . . . 

the monkeys did a study and found that i was 7X stronger than them.


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## Diesel618 (Mar 5, 2011)

klc9100 said:


> i would run across the ring, jump the fuck up and drop-kick that monkey, man.
> 
> fuck the monkeys . . . .
> 
> the monkeys did a study and found that i was 7X stronger than them.


 
I like your attitude. Wanna tag team this thing and split the promo money 50/50?


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## BillHicksFan (Mar 5, 2011)

Diesel618 said:


> but come on they're like 5 feet tall and several hundreds of thousands of years behind us in evolution.


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## basskiller (Mar 6, 2011)

not only are they several times stronger.. they're several times more agile also.. combine the two and your fucked!!!


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## LAM (Mar 6, 2011)

GeorgeForemanRules said:


> HAHAHAHAH
> 
> 
> Dunce post of the month.
> ...



every see a large primate jumping or leaping? nope...I wonder why?


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## SFW (Mar 6, 2011)

A chimp is stronger than the "Average" human.

Keyword is average. I am not average. I would beat the everloving shit out of a female or adolescent chimp, easy.


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## BillHicksFan (Mar 6, 2011)

Mr. Fantastico said:


> A chimp is stronger than the "Average" human.
> 
> Keyword is average. I am not average. I would beat the everloving shit out of a female or adolescent chimp, easy.


 
If it was highly sedated, hog-tied and blind folded I'm sure you could.


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## Little Wing (Mar 6, 2011)

Discovery Channel :: Games :: Animal Face-Off Game


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## SilentBob187 (Mar 6, 2011)

carmineb said:


> i heard they distract u by swinging at your face and when your arms are up, they go for your balls and rip them out of their pouch....  it is their basic move.  to castrate u ....  that is why I would stand a small chance, the moment they go for mine, I'd be like sorry sucker, wife got to them first!  .



That's where the classic movie, Monkey Steals the Peach, came from.


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## pitbullguy0101 (Mar 8, 2011)

what if we put boxing gloves on and the monkey cant grab? like someone said they dont have good punching muscles. pretty sure i woop its ass! no 4ft thing beats a crazy pitbull just watch the news


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## Work IN Progress (Mar 8, 2011)

So Primates are wicked strong and very good at learning things.  We know this.  I think it would be awesome to train a monkey from birth to be the strongest, most jacked up monkey on earth.  Give it like 2 grams of test a week and growth hormone and train him to lift weights and feed it real good.  Im not sure if primates eat meat but if they do then this could be the most badass monkey that ever lived.


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## pitbullguy0101 (Mar 8, 2011)

if i had a monkey, much like all my pitbulls, they learn at a very early age NOT to fuck with me


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## Diesel618 (Mar 8, 2011)

I'm pretty sure giving a primate 2 grams a week of test would only be suppressive. They have much higher levels of test than humans


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## SilentBob187 (Mar 9, 2011)

pitbullguy0101 said:


> what if we put boxing gloves on and the monkey cant grab? like someone said they dont have good punching muscles. pretty sure i woop its ass! no 4ft thing beats a crazy pitbull just watch the news



That would level the playing field a little I would imagine...if the chimp couldn't grip & rip.



Work IN Progress said:


> I think it would be awesome to train a monkey from birth to be the strongest, most jacked up monkey on earth.  Give it like 2 grams of test a week and growth hormone and train him to lift weights and feed it real good.  Im not sure if primates eat meat but if they do then this could be the most badass monkey that ever lived.





Diesel618 said:


> I'm pretty sure giving a primate 2 grams a week of test would only be suppressive. They have much higher levels of test than humans



This idea really has my interest.  I'm still waiting on the pay-per-view date.  I hope this comes to fruition. 






YouTube Video
















YouTube Video
















YouTube Video
















YouTube Video
















YouTube Video


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## DOMS (Mar 9, 2011)

SilentBob187 said:


> YouTube Video



Top quote from this video: 

okay. who's next to have their photo﻿ taken?


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## maniclion (Mar 9, 2011)

That one chimp grabbed that bitches skull like a bowling ball and yanked off her face, a cock strong human could barely pull off another persons ear...let me tell you I have 8 dogs and know how vicious animals can get when fighting....

When people talk about going apeshit crazy wtf do you think that means?

And for you guys who think chimps can't punch, they don't throw a punch like we do, they fucking pound the ever living shit out of each other like we swing hammers


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## PreMier (Mar 9, 2011)

maniclion said:


> That one chimp grabbed that bitches skull like a bowling ball and yanked off her face, a cock strong human could barely pull off another persons ear...let me tell you I have 8 dogs and know how vicious animals can get when fighting....
> 
> When people talk about going apeshit crazy wtf do you think that means?
> 
> And for you guys who think chimps can't punch, they don't throw a punch like we do, they fucking pound the ever living shit out of each other like we swing hammers



look how strong humans can get when their adrenaline pumps though.. there are people that have lifted cars, helicopters, all kinds of things when their primal instincts kick in.


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## Hoglander (Mar 9, 2011)

Those finger nails and those teeth for the tendons cancel the strength argument, IMHO. Once you are in things come apart like they would if you were eating them. Chimps only have what they have and know how to kill you. You don't know that and never should.


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## jagbender (Mar 10, 2011)

IMO,  NO way could anyone take a full grown chimp


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## pitbullguy0101 (Mar 12, 2011)

i would use a punch called a monkey fist to defeat this chump, i mean chimp lol


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## pitbullguy0101 (Mar 12, 2011)

i would train y monkey to shove his finger in peoples asses if they didnt tip after a photo. pretty sure the guy getting beat on in the vid was a non tipping jew.


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## DOMS (Mar 12, 2011)

pitbullguy0101 said:


> i would use a punch called a monkey fist to defeat this chump, i mean chimp lol



Everyone know that you're supposed to _donkey _punch a monkey.


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## GearsMcGilf (Mar 12, 2011)

I wonder if it's possible to have sex with one w/out getting your face ripped off.


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## Diesel618 (Mar 12, 2011)

I'm sure we could genetically engineer/modify a human to take an ape in hand to hand combat. But God forbid we advance the human race.


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## phosphor (Mar 12, 2011)

Make sweet, sweet love to one and see what we get. Any takers?




I know it makes you guys horney, just admit it.


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## AKIRA (Mar 12, 2011)

Curt James said:


> Bring along a bazooka, _braaaaah._
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Yeah, an old lady.  A dumb idiot who prolly just took it.


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## AKIRA (Mar 12, 2011)

SilentBob187 said:


> That would level the playing field a little I would imagine...if the chimp couldn't grip & rip.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Ok, let the record reflect, no human was out to hurt the chimps.  Fighting to get away does not equal fighting to the death.  

I am a animal lover, but I really wonder if some of you are so fucking blinded with inferiority that you really believe theyd fuck you up.  I am NOT talking about a silverback here, but the chimps that I see in the vids.  I cant see how see average size men would have a problem had they wanted to kill the chimps via bare hands.  For all you geniuses know, the chimps were at 100% trying to kill them, and look, no one died.

Chimps are stupid, we arent.  If you want to kill them, use your brain and find a way.


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## Diesel618 (Mar 12, 2011)

/\ this guy rode the short bus. No one here actually believes a human could take a chimpanzee without a weapon of some sort. Except you apparently.


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## Diesel618 (Mar 12, 2011)

phosphor said:


> Make sweet, sweet love to one and see what we get. Any takers?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


 
I was thinking more along the lines of stem cells and selective breeding (within the human species), with proper drug supplementation at key points in development. But that's not a bad idea. If I upped my test dose I'm sure I could be the one to suck it up and inseminate a chimp.


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## DOMS (Mar 12, 2011)

AKIRA said:


> Yeah, an old lady.  A dumb idiot who prolly just took it.



So...could _you_ pull the hand off of a person?


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## DOMS (Mar 12, 2011)

Also, in the only two videos that show the chimp truly being aggressive, 2 & 3, the chimp is _*not*_ trying to kill them.

In the second video, the chimp is trying to establish dominance. It's not meant to hurt, it's mean to scare.

In the third video, that's a chimp that's spent its whole life with humans and is just upset about something.  It didn't use its number one weapon: its teeth. A chimp intent on killing doesn't just calm down and take a seat. Like a human, it would need time to unwind. It was just annoyed by something and Hagen Daz made it all better.


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## Curt James (Mar 12, 2011)

pitbullguy0101 said:


> *what if we put boxing gloves on and the monkey cant grab?* like someone said they dont have good punching muscles. pretty sure i woop its ass! no 4ft thing beats a crazy pitbull just watch the news











AKIRA said:


> Yeah, an old lady.  A dumb idiot who prolly just took it.


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## BlueLineFish (Mar 12, 2011)

I'd beat one easy.  My 12 gauge mossberg semi-auto shotgun filled with 8 rounds of lead slug equals win.


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## Diesel618 (Mar 12, 2011)

BlueLineFish said:


> I'd beat one easy. My 12 gauge mossberg semi-auto shotgun filled with 8 rounds of lead slug equals win.


 
you didn't read the rules. That's an automatic DQ. The chimp you just chopped in half is the winner by default. How does it feel to lose to a dead monkey?


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## BlueLineFish (Mar 13, 2011)

There are no rules when it comes to survival. If I am still alive I am the winner.


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## Diesel618 (Mar 13, 2011)

I said you are DQ'd! Any pansy can shoot an ape. You aren't special.


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## BlueLineFish (Mar 13, 2011)

Fine. Then no. Monkey kills me.


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## Diesel618 (Mar 13, 2011)

Good. Now say you're sorry for coming in here and jeopardizing the integrity of this intellectually stimulating discussion. Say it.


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## BlueLineFish (Mar 13, 2011)

Ok Ok ...sorry for interrupting the profoundly intellectual debate.  I will now sit in the corner and listen like a good boy


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## AKIRA (Mar 13, 2011)

DOMS said:


> So...could _you_ pull the hand off of a person?



Thats what I mean, I wouldnt pull just one thing.  A chimp would.  Brute strength right? I am not talking about a bench press contest or who would win in a tug a war.  I sincerely doubt a chimp would know how to turn joints inside out.  All there gonna do is claw, pulls, smash, bite.  Theyre not smart.

This goes back to if you had to kill one that was going to kill you, how would you win?  No weapons?  Ill guarantee youll think of something.  The biggest advantage is that you can guess what it will do, but it wont predict shit about what youll do.


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## DOMS (Mar 13, 2011)

AKIRA said:


> Thats what I mean, I wouldnt pull just one thing.  A chimp would.  Brute strength right? I am not talking about a bench press contest or who would win in a tug a war.  I sincerely doubt a chimp would know how to turn joints inside out.  All there gonna do is claw, pulls, smash, bite.  Theyre not smart.
> 
> This goes back to if you had to kill one that was going to kill you, how would you win?  No weapons?  Ill guarantee youll think of something.  The biggest advantage is that you can guess what it will do, but it wont predict shit about what youll do.



They move at a speed that only a really damn good martial artist could hope to match. I also think you're forgetting their teeth. They can rip a raw steak up like it's nothing.

Really man, consider that a "_tame_" chimp _pulled off a woman's hands and face_. Really, just let that sink in.

I'm not saying that a man would go down like a Chinese hooker, I'm just saying that, in the end, he's going to lose if he can't get a weapon.


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## BlueLineFish (Mar 13, 2011)

Ok..i enter the debate again.  I will do everything in my power to kick it repeatedly straight in its chimp d i c k


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## MDR (Mar 13, 2011)

Little Wing said:


> it always bugs me when some human does something abhorrable or idiotic and they kill the poor animal after like it doesn't deserve to go on living because it tidied up the natural order of things a bit.



Usually the animal ventures into inhabited areas because of unprotected food or the like, or people like that jackass in Alaska who feeds the bears.  Almost always the fault of humans.


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## BlueLineFish (Mar 13, 2011)

Like those people who train animals and then get attacked by them.  They wind up killing the animal.  It's a wild animal.  That what they do.  You know the risks.


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## SFW (Mar 17, 2011)

chimps cant fight. all they do is grab, bite and scream. thats exactly what a woman does. if i punched a chimp in the head he would die. so yeah my hand would be broken because i fractured it pummeling this thing.


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## DOMS (Mar 17, 2011)

SFW said:


> if i punched a chimp in the head he would die.



You posted this at 2AM? You know that was a school night, right?


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## Diesel618 (Mar 17, 2011)

SFW said:


> chimps cant fight. all they do is grab, bite and scream. thats exactly what a woman does. if i punched a chimp in the head he would die. so yeah my hand would be broken because i fractured it pummeling this thing.


 
Very valid points. I would love to hear more.


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## clemson357 (Mar 17, 2011)

No human is taking a chimp, end of story.  It would rip your hands off your wrists, and then sit back and throw your fingers at you one by one.


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## Curt James (Mar 17, 2011)

What if you fought it with... bananas!? _grrr

_You could also hope that you were fighting a monkey like _this one...
_





YouTube Video


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## ty2090 (Mar 18, 2011)

Of course...the chimp might try and take you in other ways


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## Little Wing (Mar 24, 2011)

...he opens up the back of the van and there's just this MESS. i say "what happened to this guy?" he says "Gary, that's Isa."....

His jaw was missing, both hands, feet, groin. He was disemboweled...

go to 41:47 Hulu - I Survived . . .: Maggie, Gary, Barbara - Watch the full episode now.


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## pitbullguy0101 (Mar 24, 2011)

I watched this show on chimps that were pets then ended up fucking people up real bad. i have to say it was an old women and some old fat man...i think i could do the same to those old people..... so does andone have a vid of chimps fighting to the death?
i still state the chimp would realize real quick i aint no mark and would know his place in the chain below me! Being in prison i fought a bunch of monkeys and gorillas and always my act of aggression overwhelmed my attacker. its real simple some of you fuck cant and wouldnt make it.


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## Little Wing (Mar 25, 2011)

i'd like to see the facial expressions of any human that thinks he can take a chimpanzee _during_ the short lived attempt.


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