# JAMIE LEIGH NUDE PHOTOGRAPH/JOURNAL EXHIBITION *Breast Cancer Awareness, Concern*



## KillerAbz (May 11, 2004)

I went through two operations thus far in my short 22 years, both were breast reductions, with one I developed a horrible infection resulting in another surgery to remove more skin, etc. etc.  In any sense, I am sharing the photographs below with people to inspire more women out there to *be healthy and go out there and get checked, at least be aware of things involving breast cancer, MEN AS WELL*, and don't wait at all.  This of course goes far beyond just the health of breasts, for it involves the mind, the spirit, and other parts of the body as well... again, something I was never prepared for.  My photographs are of me, Jamie Leigh, and on my website as well as off I have and will start a new journal detailing this, what I went through, and anything coming up...  I would also be happy to answer anything here.  I didn't (and still don't) have anyone with me as I go through this, so I know how important and critical it is not to feel alone in this which I did and so many do...  why hide it?  So please, understand why I am sharing them and take care of yourself and make the best choices.

Thank You...
XO
Jamie Leigh
The Official Jamie Leigh Website
http://www.jamieleigh.net
*My Personal Email For ANY QUESTIONS AT ALL, please feel free:*  jamieleighdotnet@hotmail.com
*ON AIM NOW:*  LostInHumanity

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## KillerAbz (May 11, 2004)




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## KillerAbz (May 13, 2004)

*-*

5.12.04







Tonight dear void, I will perhaps be writing about and sharing the most significant thing, thoughts, photographs, insights, and above all, unabridged truths than ever before, at least in the past few weeks. What I am about to open up about is something intended to bring not only awareness to anyone who may be reading this, but to the millions of people around this world, a world in pain and constant destruction, a motive and plan I have personally begun to notice the layers unveil themselves one by one of. This world is in screaming pain, and if the current images blazing across television monitors around the globe and on the cover of printed papers in the press are any indication of what is happening here, then it's safe to say that we are in greater trouble and isolation than ever. I can personally stand up for what it means to be isolated, in fact I've made a sport of out it and remaining as elusive as possible until things change for the better and I can give of myself as I've always known and dreamed that I've been meant for. Silence is the killer, yet because those who have felt they refused to be in silence no longer have taken the violent route to be heard as opposed to the peaceful route, we are now living in a lynching of humanity, pure and simple... at least that's how I characterize it. Beaheadings? Is this some sort of a living nightmare that we are in? Are we going to start bringing in the guillotines like they had in 18th century France? It can't just be me. How can this be possible that when I walked through those haunted and chilling rooms in the wax museums that I so love and admire and find sanctuary in, that those heads up on a stick that seemed so inhumane and terrorizing are now more accurate in terms of what we think of eachother? Have we truly learned nothing of those who have done things in the name of peace and celebration of difference and not segregation? Living in a bubble is perfectly fine, in fact I choose that and will continue to choose that no matter how universal or large my ambition. I love being private, it's when I think and create best. Naive? I am. Blind? Perhaps. Weak and afraid to lift even the smallest of fingers to try to make some sort of a thumbprint in the name of compassion and lost peace... fuck no. A personal plan of mine, but even more importantly, a purpose and genuine concern and realization. Without continuing to flubber through additional words I will save what is truly important for the next entry in this diary, lord knows I can ramble on an on when you've got a heart instead of a brain that has spoken for you ever since you entered this world. Please be certain to be here, this is something that must be seen and I pray and hope you will join me here later on this evening. There is only so much reading and book finishing one can do while sitting in the sun with skin becoming perhaps darker than I've ever seen on myself before things start to slowly add up like some invisible set of staircases to the sky. This isn't something you mess up on. This must be perfection in it's direct intent, even though of course as always, the judgments and thoughts that the human mind will take on something no matter how simple or pure it is are inevitable, it's a least worth a shot in my book. No matter how turned off, appalled, freaked out (that one is my favorite for obvious reasons) or laughed at what I do might appear, it's not worth keeping hidden, never was. Better to have done it and been shouted upon than not to have done it at all right? I know I've said this a million times, and I know I may be cynical in saying it especially considering my own personal pain is seeping out of this LABYRINTH like blood dripping off of a table, but I'll say it again...

When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace. How more evident can that be made and seen than with what's happening right now... to me, to this world, to humanity. Humanity is in a state of emergency. And as someone who dreams of being a humanitarian, and some sort a hope or ambassador for compassion and healing that we so desperately need, this is like yet another knife stabbing me from behind. The only problem is, most knives up to this point I have seen in plain view right in front of me when they went in, these are much more obscure. Think of the white dove. That is the only symbol that this world needs to be broadcasting coast to coast this very moment as I write this - the only one. 

How can anything else be more powerful than peace? Perhaps it's the fear of peace that is really doing the true killing right now... in my lost mind and broken heart folks, it is. 

I asked this to a few people the other day and keep repeating it to myself. How does one start a career occupation as a humanitarian leader and travel the world in the name of healing? What sorts of references or papers must I fill out for something like that? Come to think of it, I have no one who could properly vouch for me who fully understands me, perhaps at one point, but in the end heartbreakingly not so. So, thus again, the outcast and lonely hunter. But, they write about me and say I have multiple personalities anyhow, so how can I truly ever be alone right? Silly what some people will believe when they don't understand something. I am left handed, yet I can't seem to make sense of anything I've actually handwritten over the last two years or so, it's all such jibberish and insanity lost within some riddle. Is it alright if I myself can be counted in among those in need? I am not in my best form now as I once was, and that is seemingly snowballing downward as I write this faster than ever before, but I'll just have to pray that won't get in the way. It can't. I may be devastated, but I'm still me, just a far weaker version. Once I do start my travels and of course document everything good and bad, the pleasures and unbearable pains, is it alright that unlike those who came before me who cared so deeply and gave so much of themselves no matter what the world thrashed in their face, I have little to nothing of my own to start upon, not even a place to call a home? No paper that most call money, no family that I didn't have to create on my own? I hope so. If so, I'm ready since yesterday to go. 

Peace and Love... xojl

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Jamie Leigh Posted Within The Woods Of New Jersey ; LETTERS FROM YOU / EDITORIALS ; Join The JL Mailing List For Exclusives ; AOL IM at handle: xAnAmericanGrrlx ; The Official Jamie Leigh Fanclub ; [ CAFE SHOP AND STORE. Please support and help spread the word and messages behind them. ] ; Wishlist 



5.10.04

Time is too slow for those who wait,
too swift for those who fear,
too long for those who grieve,
too short for those who rejoice
but for those who love, time is eternity. 

Uploading nude photograph exhibit, "The Life And Death Of Compassion". A brutally honest series of current intimate images captured communicating both physical,mental, and spiritual pain - flaws and all. From birth to momentary life, and then to death. Available tonight... (password protected viewing only)

* WARNING: THE IMAGES AND PHOTOGRAPHES CAPTURED BELOW ARE OF ME, AND ALTHOUGH THE BEAUTY OF THE HUMAN BODY AND IT'S FORM IS SOMETHING UNIMAGINABLE, THE FOLLOWING IMAGES I SHOT OF MYSELF MAY OR MAY NOT BE GRAPHIC FOR SOME TO VIEW. IF SO, PLEASE SIMPLY OVERLOOK THEM, BUT DO READ THE WORDS AND TRY TO UNDERSTAND THE MESSAGE AND PURPOSE OF WHY I SHARED THESE WITH YOU ALL HERE, FANS OF FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION, AND HOPEFULLY OF AN APPRECIATION OF SOMEONE ELSE, EVEN IF A STRANGER, ME, HER PAIN IN HER HEART, LIFE, AND CONTINUED STRUGGLE. THIS IS PAIN FOLKS, THIS IS WHAT THE WORLD WILL NEVER PREPARE YOU FOR, NOR I, THUS MY MISSION. 

AND YES FOLKS, I AM DOING THIS, SHOWING ME TO YOU OUT THERE, STRANGERS TO WAKE YOU ALL UP... DON'T WAIT - PERIOD... Please, look at me, be freaked out, grossed out, cover your eyes and thank the heavens you don't have to feel this, but please after that, CALL AND GET YOURSELF OUT THERE. It's all I ask and why I am doing this... 

The Purpose: I wanted to first state that the images here I have not even made available to my own readers and visitors at my website yet - when and if I do, it will only be through a password protected page, or email newsletter which once you get to my site you are welcomed to sign up on, or simply write to me and let me know your name, your story, your history, anything in your heart, at my personal email: jamieleighdotnet@hotmail.com. 

I want to say that you readers, fans, have my full permission if you have websites of your own, if you have message forums you frequent often, or even if you see a friend tomorrow and can pass along these images, these words, the message, etc. The importance in my doing this goes far beyond my own personal pain now... it branches out into the world in the sense that when I was going through this, and what I am going through now, I had no one at all to talk to, to be comforted by, to have love given, so essentially, my own love and need for compassion, reversed, and was magnified. Ever since I was born though I've felt it... the love of helping others in pain, who are vulnerable, misunderstood, you name it. Being on my own now and going through this is a moment I anticipate a phone call...a letter (mailing address here: http://www.jamieleigh.net/bye.html) or a naive dream of a miracle in which I can be freed from the current prison I am in, despite my hardest efforts, and truly start my life, and my mission, to be a humanitarian, simply someone who travels the world trying all she can to help and heal... not having it or perhaps tasting it no matter how genuine is of course a catalyst, however when you are born will the feeling you are destined for bigger things in life, incredible abnormal things as I have always felt, you know it from day one. So, with those prayers said out loud, waiting for a miracle, I have put together the following pictures for you all to view. I would love to talk out more on this, but I need the chance, the opportunity, so anything anyone can do, please do not hesitate to reach me, I will be waiting with an open heart in anticipation. Please view them with an open heart, mind, and spirit and as I said, do not hesistate to share these, spread them around, do all you can to provoke the idea of the current pains that millions are fighting day to day (especially now in these times of ruthless war and human catastrophe) - I need your help and support, and love. I may get far, but as my situation now shows, without you, without you telling someone else, without your writing to me, picking up a telephone, calling a loved one in pain, nothing will ever come of this. Until then, I will continue to cry for what's going on not only to me, but in this world... I am certain it sounds more than cheesy or cliche' to some, but if you read the words within my diary at my website, and here, or speak with me one on one (which I welcome...) I will tell you the details that make this seemingly small little mission and crusade of mine, a truly universal one at heart. It just needs to be done... and if not, I'm done, I'm done. 

THE PHOTOGRAPHS: URL and website logo of course added for copywrite protection, although please feel free to disperse these on message forums, Madonna related or not... the key is awareness, and clearly I've got nothing to hide, nor should the millions of others. Thank you for your consideration. It would be wonderful if we could keep this bumped for others or new people coming in as the tour gets closer to have the chance to view it. Of course, they will all be archived at my site, and as I sit here, in the flesh, so as long as I'm still breathing, you need it - I've got it. There is no doubt in my mind I will need another surgery to take off extra skin that has come back, but now obviously, I have no money at all, and things of higher priority such as my freedom, finding a niche, a home, etc. must take focus, so this will have to wait... To Clarify One Thing: Several people noticed the red string I wear on my left wrist. I am certain (especially considering I am an admirer of Madonna as well...) many of her fans will automatically assume it's relation to the study of Kaballah (sp?) ACTUALLY, it's not at all... in fact, I have been wearing my humble little red string for nearly 7 years now, long before I even knew of the concept of personal spirituality. I am not a religious person in any way, nor do I believe in one right or wrong. I believe period. I welcome and love learning about all religions I can of course, but for me, it's love, belief, and understanding that I year for... compassion of course as well no matter what creed, race, religion or geographic location. In any case, as a lover of animals, and someone who feels so much pain not only in them, but in the kids eyes that I have seen visiting institutions, hospitals, shelters, etc. I wear the red string as a reminder of them, their current suffering, their pain, and my mission to do all I can in my power to help them while I am alive. So, just to throw in a small tid bit. I never take that string off, and obviously, found it incredibly ironic when I started hearing the Hollywood buzz around it (since I don't watch television or pay attention to media...) a close friend of mine (Mr. Michael Jackson, no, not the celebrity, the humanitarian, and the caring and kind human being who gives of themselves to the world and to charities that I to hold of equal value and close to my heart) and myself share in the commonality of doing all we can to heal the worlds suffering, for me the animals hold such a dear place in my heart, but children, those lost, in pain, etc. are the ones I feel I am with everytime I wear it... This way even if I am crumbling right now, they are still with me, no matter how small and I'll continue to fight until I'm unable to. The animals in the world, the kids, they are my adopted family, so thus the string. 

I have run out of sleeping pills so tonight will prove hard, but tomorrow I will be certain to get a new bottle. Until this phase is over, these are all I've got to pass away and close off what would be an infinite amount of pain and just tears, so the sooner the phase is over, the sooner I can stop. If not, than not. I've got to be up by 4:00 once again before the sun rises to head into the world of conforming and robotic movement. I won't be there of course, but my ghost will. This is truth, I am a ghost now, in more ways that perhaps I could ever accurately explain through the limits of words. There is simply to much emotion and feeling to even begin to full translate what's happened to me. So, the ghost is now present. It's all that is still alive at this point as the other layers have all died and seen their passing. 

This is what I am listening to as I fall asleep. I've seen it several times now already, and will continue to see it many more I am sure. The story is a simple one, yet one with which everyone should watch if they ever get the chance to. I haven't stopped. The time lapse between documentaries is staggering, and still, the person, the heart, the child that lives within each of us, never buckles or bends to the pressures of the outside judgemental world. If that isn't an inspiration than I don't know what is. It's 1:16 now, I popped the sp's now over a half hour ago, this must be some sort of a record. The day is done, gone the sun, I'll see you in nearly 5 short hours. Please don't left my bad left leg hurt and be in so much pain as it was the last few days. 

[ To gain access, email address submission here ] 

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Jamie Leigh Posted Within The Woods Of New Jersey ; LETTERS FROM YOU / EDITORIALS ; Join The JL Mailing List For Exclusives ; AOL IM at handle: xAnAmericanGrrlx ; The Official Jamie Leigh Fanclub ; [ CAFE SHOP AND STORE. Please support and help spread the word and messages behind them. ] ; Wishlist


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## PreMier (May 13, 2004)

Your a great writer.  Will you be putting everything off of LABYRINTH on here?(IE: journal entries?)  You have a PM btw.


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## chiquita6683 (May 13, 2004)

WOW

I admire your....um i cant thinka the word, "forwardness" and getting awareness out!


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## greekblondechic (May 13, 2004)

Beautiful pics and beautiful heart


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## KillerAbz (May 14, 2004)

PreMier, not everything, but things will go along with anything health/body related so I make certain to follow the rules of this forums main intent...  ;-)  But I will be sharing a lot yes, I will write a lot here free form like a journal and not put it into LABYRINTH so be sure to read and check here...   a little bonus I suppose for those here.  I will check my PM definitly my friend.

And thank you all for what you said, I am humbled.  I care so much so all of this is in an effort to just do what I can to help.  I was actually talking on the phone last night with a friend out in Canada about how I want to put together a documentary and travel around the world, literally, in the name of healing much like Lady Diana did sadly before she was killed.  Unlike her though, this won't be a celeb-cause like Angelina Jolie, or even Di, because I am not a celebrity by any means, I am just little Jamie Leigh from New Jersey with a website that seemingly struck a chord and more and more people starting getting interested, however not one that pays me in any way in order to support myself (aside from money in terms of inspiring others which is worth more than anything else) who cares for this world and those are the vulnerable and in pain (myself included) and feel there is no strong voice to lead or bring some much needed attention to what's happening now, it's be silenced.  So, what do I do?  Approach the red cross, the bbc, construct this insane mission of mine that I dream of embarking upon and ask them to fund me?  *Of course of course...  because I mean it and I will stop at nothing.*  I'm just so unsure of how to begin, thus the hardest part, and doing this alone is that much more difficult, but it won't stop me.   So at a critical point now, I'm reading so much, but I'm ready for this so...  stick around here and you'll see what happens, as well as within LABYRINTH.

Think of the Taj Majal, with one little naive yet determined girl sitting in front of it totally alone in a world of riddles and fantasy and heart...  welcome to my world.


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## KillerAbz (May 17, 2004)

*May 17th 9:07 am*

Good morning world, all, dear void.

As I sit here today I am thinking about a book I read perhaps longer than I should have in the store last night.  I left the house and went out because the sun was still warm and I knew  by escaping I would have a few more hours to myself for thought and again, contemplation at my continuing humanitarian dreams and efforts, and as stranger as this certaintly will sound, my mission in life.  

It's funny.  I've always felt like a fish out of water in this world, but I think perhaps that feeling is something that is preparing me for the road ahead.  Essentially, any strong spirits in history have always been considered freaks, outkasts, or some sort of oddity amongst the people who saw them from a distance.  That has never been alien to me.  Actually I must confess, being a recluse and alone now during these hard times is something that I am grateful for.  I am sure that will change in time, but maybe knowing that I can just cry myself to sleep because of whats happening right now in this world in quiet behind a wooden door is comforting.  

I sat and flipped through Newsweek, and US News magazines I believe while I was in the store.   The image of one of the Iraqui man with his hands outstretched like Jesus with what looked to me like a KKK hat, just turned my stomach.  In fact everything that is happening right now is turning my stomach.  Maybe it's because for me, I see evil as something that human beings, not one race, not one culture, not one religion, or even one mindset CHOOSE to become because they have lost all hope and are just looking for answers in the wrong places.  I don't know, I am to naive I am certain to even being to understand what's happening.  I will say this though.  As someone who speaks with her heart and virtually lives a life of open emotion and concern, what is happening right now in this world to me is beyond painful, beyond scary, and beyond sad.   I cried as I flipped through the pages, not out loud of course because there was an old man sitting across from me and I truly wasn't in any mood to make any noise.   As usual, I am quiet.  Solitude has become my lover, my best friend, the other piece of my broken heart that in the end hurt me so much and ran back away, and simply a guiding voice...  solitude is my home, for now, although again another word I've never truly known.  I've walked through palaces in London (true story) where great kings and queens stayed and still felt more isolated and alien...  but again, I know that's a good thing.   Great people of the past who cared so much TRULY, not because it was a political game or some pr celebrity cause, but TRULY CARED and wanted to help  heal and bring some magic to kids who are in these worn torn places, were always on their own for the most of their lives.   That's simply how it must be.  How they finally got started is something I need to know now more than ever.   I think I wrote this before.   How does one start an occupation as a humanitarian and world leader for love, hope, peace, and maybe just escapism?  I am not destined to be a singer, an actress (although playing a part has never been something I haven't been able to achieve when the time was necessary) - I am destined to help in any way I can, and give of myself, no matter how tiny, and make some sort of a thumprint, no matter how eccentric, strange, or small.


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## KillerAbz (May 17, 2004)

*9:24 am*

I can't be the only one who is feeling the sickness and blackness of what's happened to this world.  Again, what's being broadcast is always (and I hate to say it like this) the tip of the iceberg in the sense that whatever can evoke the most emotion, controversy, confusion, or uproar, goes straight to the eyes and ears and sadly in my case, hearts of those who are on the other end.

This is not simply an observer account.  I have had people emailing me letters from Iraq who are over there "fighting" for months now, ever since I tuned in months back and saw those bright neon green lights showcasing the explosions.  My heart stopped, and again, I got angry at myself because it's not enough to just sit there and turn your head, shut off the television, and go about your life.  Millions do, but I can't, I never could.  

We have gotten to a point where everything is so sad, so dark, so scary, that the only way that we (and when I say we I mean HUMAN BEINGS) know how to dig ourselves out of confusion, is through violence and redeption...   Sadly, I don't think there will ever be a time where no matter what the difference, what the objection, what the argument, all resolutions will be agreed upon through talks, chats, peace, games, etc.  it's just not going to happen, and it hurts me to say that.  BUT, that doesn't mean I won't try my hardest to make sure at least some of this darkness sees patches of light as long as it still CAN SEE...

You know, as I was sitting in the store the other day and just reading, flipping through books, I always go for the glossy pages for the pictures first, I know lots of people are like this, I again picked up another book that Princess Diana's former "rock" wrote after she had died.  There was a lot in that book that made me think, that made me realize just how fleeting time is and how once something bad happens, seemingly all people have to hang onto are what you left behind during the time you were hear.  In her case, it was a lot of letters, A LOT OF LETTERS, a lot of personal little nik naks, and a lot symbols of times or things or people whom had touched her.   I am very much like that in the sense that no matter how badly I may be hurting inside right now in my heart, and fighting so hard to finally know freedom, I am clinging onto photographs of people whom even if they are gone now and moved on with their life, at one point offered me some compassion, understanding, or love... because it means the world to me.  The smallest things do, and I don't need an epic tragedy or event to realize that.  Again, I am certain this will all come across as pure idealistic fantasy, some naive little 22 year old in New Jersey now finding comfort and understanding from a woman who has since taken her trip to her next life which sadly had to end so harshly...   but, it's the truth.   When you have never known the true concept of family, your instincts gravitate and force you to approach and treasure everything you come across and step into as something you choose to hold dear and value like a nothing else.   It's also I think why helping animals, and dreaming of building the worlds biggest sanctuary where I can just invite all the dogs and aniamls in the streets to come and live is something that never seems anything short of a perfectly attainable reality...  Noah's Ark for me is something that I find sanctuary in, seeing kinds in hospitals and bringing little Mickey Mouses' for them to smile and play, seeing dogs in those rusted cages with red dots signaling they are to be killed by noon and DOING ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING I can to never allow that to happen no matter how silly or out of it I seem, is what I know I am meant to do.


I am about to put up some photographs at my website ->  http://www.jamieleigh.net showing the pictures of my chest after the surgeries.  No big deal at all for me... in fact, I forget they are even there.   They should go up tonight, I must work hard to make sure I do it...   I will take a bit of a break now.  


If you love someone, call them and tell that TODAY... don't wait, write them a letter EVEN IF YOU KNOW IN YOUR HEART THEY WILL NEVER WRITE YOU BACK nor acknowledge they got your letter or words, do it anyhow.... it may not be a catharsis and you may not hear some angel humming above your head when you do something so out of the ordinary like that, but I think for me, those small things are the things that we are lacking right now, now then things are so scary...  I think it would be nice and they will smile... just please, don't expect anything in return.  I have always believed that silence is one of the best blessings you can get when someone has gotten your words because it means they tooks them straight to heart and not to mouth where words simply would get in the way....   


I'll be back... 


xo
jamie leigh


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## KillerAbz (May 18, 2004)

*May 18 7:46 am*

This morning I am barely here.  I feel like a zombie.


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## KillerAbz (May 20, 2004)

*It's SPREADING*

It may not be NEW HERE to you all, but to THEM it is...

It's a good thing that more are picking it up and spreading it...

*AGAIN, PLEASE FREE FREE FOR YOU TO DO THE SAME IF YOU HAVE A LIVEJOURNAL/WEBSITE/FORUM OF YOUR OWN, ETC*.  All it takes is a simple thank...

http://www.britneytoday.com/pictures/jamie_leigh/ 

The journal will of course continue...

xo
With Love, a truly long day.  I am so tired, so much work has been done today, but there is still much more to go.

Jamie Leigh


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## KillerAbz (May 21, 2004)

*The Current State Of This World*

The Current State Of This World

(Taken from my open editorials and letters section, if you'd like to read more of them you are of course more than welcomed to at:   http://www.jamieleigh.net/editorial.html) 

Good morning world, all, dear void.

As I sit here today I am thinking about a book I read perhaps longer than I should have in the store last night. I left the house and went out because the sun was still warm and I knew by escaping I would have a few more hours to myself for thought and again, contemplation at my continuing humanitarian dreams and efforts, and as I am certain stranger as this certaintly will sound, my mission in life. 

It's funny. I've always felt like a fish out of water in this world, but I think perhaps that feeling is something that is preparing me for the road ahead. Essentially, any strong spirits in history have always been considered freaks, outkasts, or some sort of oddity amongst the people who saw them from a distance. That has never been alien to me. Actually I must confess, being a recluse and alone now during these hard times is something that I am grateful for. I am sure that will change in time, but maybe knowing that I can just cry myself to sleep because of whats happening right now in this world in quiet behind a wooden door is comforting. 

I sat and flipped through Newsweek, and US News magazines I believe while I was in the store. The image of one of the men with his hands outstretched like Jesus with what looked to me like a KKK hat, just turned my stomach. In fact everything that is happening right now is turning my stomach. Maybe it's because for me, I see evil as something that human beings, not one race, not one culture, not one religion, or even one mindset CHOOSE to become because they have lost all hope and are just looking for answers in the wrong places. I don't know, I am to naive I am certain to even being to understand what's happening. I will say this though. As someone who speaks with her heart and virtually lives a life of open emotion and concern, what is happening right now in this world to me is beyond painful, beyond scary, and beyond sad. I cried as I flipped through the pages, not out loud of course because there was an old man sitting across from me and I truly wasn't in any mood to make any noise. As usual, I am quiet. Solitude has become my lover, my best friend, the other piece of my heart that died and laid itself to rest but continues to burn beyond human belief, and simply a guiding voice... solitude is my home, for now, although again another word I've never truly known. I've walked through palaces in London (true story) where great kings and queens stayed and still felt more isolated and alien... but again, I know that's a good thing. Great people of the past who cared so much TRULY, not because it was a political game or some pr celebrity cause, but TRULY CARED and wanted to help heal and bring some magic to kids who are in these war torn places, were always on their own for the most of their lives. That's simply how it must be. How they finally got started is something I need to know now more than ever. I must know it. I read and read and read, and I admit I am finding small pebbles to hop onto for small brief moments, but it's not enough to truly set me free from this and not be afraid anymore. There is a truly tragic outline with which I am living now, I understand that, I recognize that, however in some small sense as I've said, with each day that passes I am beginning to realize that perhaps that is what I am destined for. Those who have worn these shoes before were all lonely hunters. Their stories were sad, their stories were filled with personal pain and heartbreak and emptiness, yet found within those voids the seemingly eccentric forces that allowed them to give so much of what they did have left, even if not much at all, to doing all they could to help those of others around them... to help THEM heal. Then with that being done, those personal scars and tears although always falling no matter what, retained some of their emptiness and desperation for love for themselves. Sometimes it's just not possible, and that's alright. I think if you can accept that while you are one whose compassion for those in need, those who are vulnerable, those with which you can relate and find such close sanctuary within because you yourself lacked it, seem to fade to a place where although always watching over your shoulder as a constant reminder, allow you to do the work you would born to do. I think I wrote this before. How does one start an occupation as a humanitarian and world leader for love, hope, peace, and maybe just escapism? I am not destined to be a singer, an actress (although playing a part has never been something I haven't been able to achieve when the time was necessary) - I am destined to help in any way I can, and give of myself, no matter how tiny, and make some sort of a thumbrint, no matter how eccentric, strange, or small. I am left handed so my left thumb, I'd like that most I think, it usually does the greatest deal of work. 

I can't be the only one who is feeling the sickness and blackness of what's happened to this world. Again, what's being broadcast is always (and I hate to say it like this) the tip of the iceberg in the sense that whatever can evoke the most emotion, controversy, confusion, or uproar, goes straight to the eyes and ears and sadly in my case, hearts of those who are on the other end. 

This is not simply an observer account. I have had people emailing me letters from Iraq who are over there "fighting" for months now, ever since I tuned in months back and saw those bright neon green lights showcasing the explosions. My heart stopped, and again, I got angry at myself because it's not enough to just sit there and turn your head, shut off the television, and go about your life. Millions do, but I can't, I never could. 

We have gotten to a point where everything is so sad, so dark, so scary, that the only way that we (and when I say we I mean HUMAN BEINGS) know how to dig ourselves out of confusion, is through violence and helpless redemption... There is no other way. People feel you are with them or you are this, or that. Left or right. There is another option, there have been historical accounts of this. Ghandi, those who spoke in the name of peace and shifted mountains. It's been done. It can be done again, but those with that belief are silenced, and for reasons I can understand are beyond their reach. As I have to always said and so deeply believe... there are those who move mountains in the name of what is popular or what is understood, and then there are those who move mountains in the name of what they believe and feel would bring about healing in a world filled with pain. Those are the ones who get the rocks thrown at them, those are the ones who are called the names, those are the ones who are isolated and reclusive beyond imagination, those are with whom I have found an adopted family. Those are the spirits on the sides of angels. Some are doing phenomenal things this very moment, they are, and to them I say thank you. Thank you for seeing those kids and bringing Mickey's and candy, thank you. We need you so badly and I hope to join you very soon. Please know how hard I am working and fighting. It's all I think about. Sadly however , I don't think there will ever be a time where no matter what the difference, what the objection, what the argument, all resolutions will be agreed upon through talks, chats, peace, games, etc. it's just not going to happen, and it hurts me to say that. BUT, that doesn't mean I won't try my hardest to make sure at least some of this darkness sees patches of light as long as it still CAN SEE... 

You know, as I was sitting in the store the other day and just reading, flipping through books, I always go for the glossy pages for the pictures first, I know lots of people are like this, I again picked up another book that Princess Diana's former "rock" wrote after she had died. There was a lot in that book that made me think, that made me realize just how fleeting time is and how once something bad happens, seemingly all people have to hang onto are what you left behind during the time you were hear. In her case, it was a lot of letters, A LOT OF LETTERS, a lot of personal little nik naks, and a lot symbols of times or things or people whom had touched her. I am very much like that in the sense that no matter how badly I may be hurting inside right now in my heart, and fighting so hard to finally know freedom, I am clinging onto photographs of people whom even if they are gone now and moved on with their life, at one point offered me some compassion, understanding, or love... because it means the world to me. The smallest things do, and I don't need an epic tragedy or event to realize that. Again, I am certain this will all come across as pure idealistic fantasy, some naive little 22 year old in New Jersey now finding comfort and understanding from a woman who has since taken her trip to her next life which sadly had to end so harshly... but, it's the truth. When you have never known the true concept of family, your instincts gravitate and force you to approach and treasure everything you come across and step into as something you choose to hold dear and value like a nothing else. It's also I think why helping animals, and dreaming of building the worlds biggest sanctuary where I can just invite all the dogs and animals in the streets to come and live is something that never seems anything short of a perfectly attainable reality... Noah's Ark for me is something that I find sanctuary in, seeing kinds in hospitals and bringing little Mickey's, Goofy, my favorite Figment for them to smile and play, seeing dogs in those rusted cages with red dots signaling they are to be killed by noon and DOING ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING I can to never allow that to happen no matter how silly or out of it I seem, is what I know I am meant to do. I'll never loose that image, never. 

If you love someone, call them and tell that TODAY... don't wait, write them a letter EVEN IF YOU KNOW IN YOUR HEART THEY WILL NEVER WRITE YOU BACK nor acknowledge they got your letter or words, do it anyhow.... it may not be a catharsis and you may not hear some angel humming above your head when you do something so out of the ordinary like that, but I think for me, those small things are the things that we are lacking right now, now then things are so scary... I think it would be nice and they will smile... just please, don't expect anything in return. I have always believed that silence is one of the best blessings you can get when someone has gotten your words because it means they tooks them straight to heart and not to mouth where words simply would get in the way. My sleeping pills are bound to begin properly kicking in at any moment now, thank god. It's been a long day and I must get to bed to be up by dawn again. I spoke with Money on the telephone just a short while ago for quite a long time. My left leg is still hurting me very badly, but, I have no right to complain. When it starts hurting if I am standing I just drop to the ground and collapse a bit, rest the leg. I'll be just fine. Maybe all I need is time. Maybe when I finally have my poppy field I can get a proper run and play to keep myself in shape like I should be. As usual we exchanged stories and alas, the weird alien image and figure remains the curious appeal within so many despite the pains and cries from a world I can't even recognize. I know there is the other side, but there are no proper leaders to remind people, and there must be, there must be, I'll do all I can, I promise. As I said to her and I will say again, those two towers fell, the dust settled, people stopped, they froze... they did, and then they looked in front of themselves, behind, and most importantly, finally, within. That dust cloud lifted however and "normality" returned and things became fogged all over again, but in a different sense. Now, it's a cloud sitting upon everyone once again. It's incredible. All my love to everyone out there, please, goodness knows we need it so badly right now. I can't recognize these hands, it's a sign it's time to stop for now. This will seem to come far from left field from me right now I know, but music is so powerful, especially music that does what those events we prayed we would never have to witness did that we saw...they make you freeze and look and feel. We need to feel this constantly. I believe that to be our only hope, I truly do. 

I'll be back... 

xo Jamie Leigh 

May 21, 2004

Send Me Your Letters Or Thoughts at jamieleighdotnet@hotmail.com


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## KillerAbz (May 24, 2004)

*May 24, 2004     8:41 am*












Outside it couldn't be more dark or more muggy, thank god I flew straight inside and into a building before any real damage occured.  Tanya told me that it is supposed to storm later on today, which I of course believe considering the outside view.  The moment I bring back new flowers or plants it seemingly rains straight away.  I wish I were in London, if the rain is anything like here in New Jersey I would have little troubles switching over.  The wax museum over there is where many people are, tourists, so it would perhaps prove a bit difficult to go in peace.  Maybe in time I can convince them to open it up late at night once everyone has fallen to sleep so I can walk around myself.  I remember the last time I was there something haunting happened to me, never anything that is far from my path.  I had seemed to step off at the wrong opening and wound up on a floor before it had opened, it was very strange.  The entire room that witheld government officials, great spirits from the past, and of course with it being in England, images of the Royal Family.  I was in there by myself.  I remember the carpet being a deep rose color with little gold dots which I loved because gold is my favorite color of them all.  I remember there being no sounds at all aside from the fan churning above making it almost eerily cold.  It is quite a big room and all of the wax statues are lined up shoulder to shoulder one after the other around the circumfrence.  Some of the statues, and I hate using that word, but some of the statues looked far from their actuality, many were almost uncanny.  What they all have in common is the looks in their eyes - lost.  Horrible dictators of wars, spiritual leaders of peace, world leaders, past presidents, Mother Teresa...  such different areas of humanity and yet such similar looks or rather gazes within their eyes.  It's difficult explain, it truly is.

I remember once hearing the phrase that "the best way to dismantle a personality is to isolate it".  I think that is very accurate.  

Last night I stayed up as late as I could before taking my sleeping pills and updated my new campaigns and projects and added them within LABYRINTH.  One is called, "The Life And Death Of Compassion".  Like everything I do, it is a project relating to humanity, and the extremes to which the element of compassion can go to before almost seemingly ending in certain tragedy.  Of course it is only my opinion, but from what I have learned thus far in my life as well as seeing and witnessing it first hand through others, any who take a life of humanity and being a humanitarian are destined to live a life with a tragic ending.  Why?  Because any loss of a spirit whose ony purpose is to give and heal is like a knife to the stomach because they represent a hope that so few are able to present, especially when times are so troubled.  I think most human beings suppose that those who offer such unique gifts in certain magnitudes will live forever.  When they being to frail, break down, become ill, they are no longer viewed as a hope because the limits of time or "reality" begin to take their toll.  It's amazing to me.  People want so much to find that hero or that heroine to offer them some hope and never go away, yet once they begin to become brittle or cracked they continue to watch as if experiencing a car crash first hand.  No matter what the cost, they want to consume and consume until their is nothing left to be taken, thus the forced belief in immortality.

I believe in reincarnation, I do.  I think that with certain people their true lives actually start once they leave this world.  I think that because as I've said many many times, human nature has shown over the years that it's ability for good and bad are so critical, and yet they continue to favor the bad for it's what comes easiest.  Not all of course, there are many who have proven and broken through the barriers of judgement to do good, but not enough.  This was not my intent to write about this now, this morning, by god we need a little laughter yes?

I was cleaning out this little green bag I have that I have been carrying around with me.  I have I believe two Lady Diana books in it, my red walet, some candy canes (sugar tooth at all times, you know me...) my keys for the car on a long red white and blue holder, a letter I got in the postal from a publishing company saying they want to include one of my photographs in a book coming out later this year, obviously a knock off and joke as you can tell the company is only looking for a quick few bucks.  

I hope I can find my place, sooner than later.  I even sent a letter to an incredibly well known, wealthy man who has his own history of wonderful charities and organizations.  I sent it out of desperation.  I feel anyone who has any understanding of the "field" as long as I continue to send out my letters, one after the other, eventually *someone will get this, see this, what I am trying to do and bite.*  That's the hope at least.  So, I sent it off to him, them, who knows, most likely another void.  Maybe he can help show me the ropes and open some doors, why not?  

Now the hands are tired, very.  This morning I almost didn't make it here.  Marley was still nice and smooshy next to my bed, all cozy, but I had to leave to drive out and make it to this place by 8:00 am.  Be a ghost.  I had a salad the other day with grilled chicken, and I've grown to adore it and wait for it.  I will get it today but I need to get some money to pay for it.  Other than that, from here, I get finished around 12:45 I go back to the automobile, drive back to the house, maybe stop in quick into the bookstore to just see if there is anything new and then get Marley and rest.  I have ab out 3 days lefts now and then the prison is back and the freedom is gone so I will try to soak it up as bad as possible.  Then I believe another month or so until I get the free time again.  I long for the day when I don't have to live in patches of freedom, counting down the days until the next gap when I can breathe.   But now, I have until Thursday evening, so I should soak it up yes?  I'll try.  The leg isn't hurting now, I pray that lasts, no doctors were around on the weekend, so I toughed it, I still most likely will, it's alright.

xo
jl


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## KillerAbz (May 29, 2004)

*My Marley may be truly slipping away...*

Dear Friends...















I know this is off topic but seeing as this is the most active forum now I thought more people might stop in to see it.  I just wanted to say that my Marley (a yellow lab dog, my puppy, my entire world) may be truly slipping away right now.  I write for anyone who has a dog who is loved so much and a part of the family, or one you had to put to sleep...  I have no idea what happened with my little guy over here, but I came home to him lying in the grass like I've never seen before...  I know some of you have gone through it, so I just wanted to say if you could just pray for my little guy that things will be alright.   He is 12 years old but the energy of a pup, and has been so beautifully healthy until now (knock wood) so this has come out of no where.  Of course I know, any pain, I know the right thing to do I want my Marley to be free of pain, I'll gladly take it on 40x over, but as long as he is alright I will be ok... just please think good thoughts for my little guy.  He is downstairs now and I am taking him in early am tomorrow morning, so I have to get to bed early... 










Just say a little prayer that he'll be alright.  I'll try to stop in an update, but of course if not it will be in my diary...  I am calm which is strange and strong despite the situation I am in now, so I know I just have to remain calm... I have to be strong for my little guy...  I am upstairs now because writing is the escape for me now, so I can wait a bit and just write a little and it will help me get ready to settle in to sleep before I take him in the morning... distract me you know... 

Just please keep my Marley in your hearts and prayers if you can...   It would mean the world...

This boy is all I've got and has been with me through all the bad when no one else hung around.  Totally alone but as long as I had my little guy there, all was alright and worth hanging in for, and now this...  :/

I am certain many of you can relate.  These little guys are our earth, our universe, they are there when we get our heart broken and have no one's shoulder to cry on, and they are there at night sleeping on your floor in a little blanket (well, I did for Marley...)  - these are our babies for those who are alone.

Give your pawed babies a special kiss tonight or today wherever you are and ask them if they could send a special healing prayer to my Marley if you could ok, maybe it will work if enough do... 

Thanks Guys... trying to be strong.  I just pray my left works since it's been failing on me as of late, I need to lift Marley up and into the car, it's tough, but, I'll do it, no worries...  I'll hop and get him there if I have to.

XO
Jamie Leigh... and Marley who is (I pray) asleep downstairs now, I will go check...  then it's off to early am Hopewell, New Jersey vet...  I should take the sp's now...


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## Mavs (May 30, 2004)

Best of luck Jamie.  I'm sure he knows you're doing all that you can to help him.  I couldn't even imagine losing my pups.  Let us know how everything goes.


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## KillerAbz (Jun 1, 2004)

*My Marley may be slipping away...*

5.30.04


Tick, tock, tick, tock...

Update 4:45 pm est:

Just a bit of another update...

I just went outside, filled up some water with ice cubes like Marley likes and brought it out there, just sat down on the sidewalk and let him drink, he was extraordinarily thirsty and just kept drinking and drinking and drinking, I was so happy to see him doing that, it's the littlest simple thing but compared to yesterday, wow, I can't tell you how that made me feel to see him drink... it was incredible. I took some pieces of wheat bread and just crumpled them up a bit and fed them to him straight from my palm, that way it's easier on his neck and he doesn't need to bend down at all, and he ate them all, again, I was so so happy. The pills which are quite large that the vet gave me this morning are supposed to last the next few days or so, a half two dimes a day, I smooshed into the bread and he ate it, I made extra sure... then he walked down the back a bit, it's a beautiful sunny day here in New Jersey now, around 4:19 pm and he went to the bathroom (number one, no more details I promise....) and then I helped him walk back. His legs just aren't working so I just walked with him the entire way and back, but from yesterday to today you know, incredible improvement, so perhaps the little pill and the shot the doctor gave him early this morning is to thank and of course that is only temporary, but rest assured Tuesday I will do what I have to and call that place out there in PA and get any information I need.... I just keep praying and praying, writing here, just trying to be silly a bit, he's down resting in the playroom I put some music on for him, a radio station on the television, it is peaceful so I know he'll love that and fall asleep, that's the point, then that goes off and the news comes on so I will head down and check on him in an hour or so from now... I just leave him and pray he is resting... inside I hope it's a bit quieter than yesterday, rest for him is best I know, not like his big sister, I am a horrible example when it comes to sleep and proper care I know... but, he comes first. 

You know, all you out there with your babies whether they be a tropical parrot, a deer, a horse, a monkey (yes I have friends who have monkeys, they are adorable and so caring and loving, little fish, big fish, lizards with rough bumpy scales, dogs, an animal to adopted or saved from a shelter... whatever it is... they are our family, so my heart is with you all... these guys bring us something no human being can...) All us animal lovers out there, a few of these below are Mar Mar when he had the OTHER tumor removed, and to some miracle from above beat cancer, totally gone... an alien just like his big sister... ;-) But you can see where the surgery was... if this one this time around goes fourth which I will be strong and pray, it's on the inside this time and the size of a softball... I must tell you all, I looked at the x-tray and was just silent, totally silent, you could hear a pin drop... there was the sound of a few of the other puppies brought in who weren't doing so well barking in the backround and I heard that rusty cage sound with their paws hitting it you know? Brought back some memories of (I do all I can for animals around the world, shelters, I promote it through my website, ANYTHING AT ALL, find them all good homes, abused...etc.) and I remember being at those horrible kill shelters and seeing those eyes looking back at me as I walked the isles... the cages were so so small, they could barely stand, and man, that's all it took. I am dedicating my life to doing ALL I CAN for those guys, for these guys for MARLEY... until my last breath, you all have my word on this. I'll never stop doing all I can. Never. 



Again, thank you for your love friends, truly appreciate that and continued thoughts... all of your animals if you have any are so lucky to have you as family and confidants... I mean that. That's all they need. I'll be back again with another update real soon.

9:24 am est: Just got back in. Well good and bad news friends... they found a tumor (another one) quite large in his belly, so I will call fthing Tuesday make the appointment for an ultrasound like they do to pregnant women when they have babies and drive him out to Pennsylvania so they can check it. It's the Veterinary Specialty & Emergency Center 1900 W.Old Lincoln Highway in Langhorne, PA. I have no idea where this is nor how to get there, but of course, I'll figure it out, no problems. If it's just fluid they can operate and take it out and he'll be alright, he'll stay overnight in the hospital I believe or it may take a few days I am not certain. He may be getting older but he won't be in pain which is wonderful... if not, well then I will deal with it then...


But my suspicion turned out to be accurate. Not to pat myself on the back, but to this day I have never once been wrong. I felt this way when Lady Diana was killed. They said after the accident that she had hurt her leg and injured a side of her head badly but in my heart I knew she had died and left this planet already. In a way I was glad, it had gotten to be suffocation much like I am experiencing right now on a much smaller scale of course. But, suffering is suffering, pain is pain, there is no need to compare nor contrast, everyone is different. I feel things like that however and sense them. Call it an artists esp, you know it if you have it. It's a haunted organ not of human means but some other means that is alive in your heart and soul from the moment you acknowledge it. It's a conscience from somewhere else, above, I have no idea, but it's there and it will make itself known to you somehow somewhere. Much like artists when they create, their creations come from some other place beyond and the artist is simply the funnel that finally leaks it out, but you have no control over it. I never do. If you feel it nudging you on your shoulder and telling you to move or respond, you do and just see wherever it leads and pray it comes out in a form of truth, innovation, humility, and meaning. I'm getting so off focus here...

With Marley this morning now and how he is. I don't want to say much because it's pointless at this point, but I found out just in the nick of time to see what had happened and make my theory proven in fact to be complete truth just as I had initially suspected. I get a piercing gut feeling in the pit of my stomach when something isn't right, I have moments where I see things in the future before they happen as well as things that have already happened that I wasn't present for. Almost as if certain moments throughout history and time are embedded in you and you are able to literally transport yourself back in time or ahead to get certain notions or feelings. It's not delusional, it's truth. Others hearing it of course when they hear this talk will want to run straight away and take me off with the men in the white coats, but that is human nature. Many simply don't understand, it's as simple as that. 


I've always felt that those people in this society whom are considered "crazy" or "freaks" are the most humble, honest, compassionate people left. They are my hope and they are ones with which I have found a kinship with. The vulnerable, the abandoned, the sick, the dying, the orphaned, the outkast, the animals, the silenced, they know who they are. But those names have never been far from my own capacity that's for certain. Again, something that never bothers me in the least, I welcome it. Call it insanity, eccentricity, voo doo, whatever you want to characterize me or as or name me, I have it and it's both a blessing and a curse, but I'm telling you - I felt this one strong. Marley was doing just fine the last few weeks and the moment I am away for a few hours it happened. I suspected the lady who lives here gave him some human medication because they had done it in the past when I wasn't here behind my back, and warned them not to do it again, but alas, can you imagine, they did... they did it again. They are very intent on having Marley be put to sleep because their own health phobias and fears interject constantly and when they give up they feel Marley should as well. It's such a frightening enviornment if you were here, so of course I can't be with Marley every moment of the day, especially now, but just imagine I go for a few hours and it happens yet again. But that's the past, they found that medicine in the stomach and flushed it out. The concentration now is on that tumor in the tummy which I'll see what happens, but until then he should be feeling alright for now.

So today, pretty good. I drove him there all by myself out to Hopewell, lifted him up (thank god I am a strong girl, these muscles do come in handy for something, see Madonna aint the only woman who can make those muscular arms look appealing, they serve a purpose!) he got an x-ray on his belly, they gave him a shot to ease the pain and help him rest rest a bit. We were the only two people in there. I didn't bother to sleep at all, the sleeping pills came and passed and I remained awake. Then I GOT HIM TO EAT WHICH WAS WONDERFUL, the doctor couldn't even do that, they gave me some pills for a few days until he feels alright but of course that is just temporary. He is down now resting and sleeping, so Tuesday before I go to my destination I will call and set that up and pray he holds on until then... But thinking like Peter in HOOK and like Michael told me on the telephone... THINK GOOD THOUGHTS JL, GOOD GOOD THOUGHTS. Your heart may be in pain and your spirit suffering and you may have a leg that just aint workin right now, but you gotta be strong for him. You have to hang in there. Come to think of it, as I write this the leg was starting to truly hurt me again like nothing you can imagine. It's nothing. Once I find out what happens with Marley I will deal with me and most likely get that shot straight into my muscle and pray that heals it. 

To Mr. Tony Blanchet of Splash News, next time be more discreet, hiding in a bush isn't something that will do much good for your poison ivy, especially at this time of the year in New Jersey. 

I was ordered to put Dangerous in because it's healed other things in the past and I know Marley adores that record, and I am back and will try to focus and write and get some work done, and of course I know when an artist discovers that their music is quieting even a little bit of pain it's the inspiration to keep going despite how crushed you are, thus my position here and my humanitarian dreams. So, hanging on folks. Perhaps this seems odd, but I feel a surge of strength right now all of a sudden, like the old JL (pardon the third person, but I am sure you understand the intent in that...) is still inside somewhere deep waving a little flame telling me it's still in there and not to give up. Will it resurface and prove everyone who doubted and judged wrong? Only time will tell, until then, sit tight world. I might start raising myself and truly starting my birth a few years from now, and that just might be the way it will be, so we'll see what happens. 

Back to work, work, and more work, nothing to celebrate now, but praying and hoping is the least I can do. I'll die another day and delay my pleasures for when my life is truly destined to begin, it's clearly not now and that's just fine. 



Jamie Leigh Posted Within The Woods Of New Jersey ; LETTERS FROM YOU / EDITORIALS ; Join The JL Mailing List For Exclusives ; AOL IM at handle: xAnAmericanGrrlx ; The Official Jamie Leigh Fanclub ; [ CAFE SHOP AND STORE. Please support and help spread the word and messages behind them. ] ; Wishlist 



5.29.04 | Marley may now be truly slipping...

Dear Friends,

I am not important. I can sustain any elements of pain, I'll be stronger than you can imagine. Even if I have to wait 50 years to even experience some element of happiness, it won't even matter, I come second. 

Marley is slowly slipping away. Today he was lying on the grass, all legs spread out just laying there. I got back late, I drove in the car the moment I heard and despite being in the state I am in, refused to turn into some weak lamb. I may be in greater pain and have lost the only things I've ever known dear to me, and this one may be the last, but I refuse to play the part of the lamb, not now, no way. Consider the unbreakable JL back and in full force, for Marley I'll do anything, and the same goes for anyone out there that I love who is in pain. Nothing stops me.

So, again, Marley may be slipping away. It's ironic that the week I was here with him alone in this place he was doing phenomenal, and then when the two people who've already caused enough abuse on their own return he suddenly collapses. Can we say a sign from above? If Marley is in pain, we'll see what happens. All I know is that I am at such a breaking point emotionally now, and being alone as I have always been ever since I was a bitty kid, now is not the time to be that weak little lady - I am needed, and as long as I am needed, I will fight. I may not fight for myself, but when it comes to him, he's all I've got at this point, so I have to be strong, but I'll tell you, inside I am all black. 

So tomorrow morning (nothing else matters) I will leave early am which is simple since I don't sleep anymore anyhow in this place, and I will take him to the vets. We'll see what happens. I refuse to believe anything until I know facts and the people here don't care for anyone but themselves, so thank god I am in charge. I will see what happens. All I can say is please god let Marley be alright, don't take the only thing that is keeping me hanging on over here in this place away from me - at least not yet. But, I will be strong, I will suck it all in, and I will do whatever it takes. I sat with him on the grass, he wasn't looking at me in my eyes, that's how I sense something is truly bad, but how, how can it happen in a day like that when the "other" people at this place arrive back and I leave his side for one moment? One moment so I can go away to cry a bit and this happens. If he is in great pain I know what to do, but I know my Marley, he's like his big sis - he's Jamie Leigh Jr... so we'll see, us aliens just don't give in like that, no way. But, you can rest assured I will be there bright and early tomorrow, and stay there, sit there, all alone as usual in my isolation and wait until I see what they say. This is my little brother, the only thing I've ever had and this. It's been pouring for a while, but now is not the time, I can do that when I know all I care for are alright, even if that means I have to come last and wait a few hundred years or so or even not start until another life. 

So, Marley is downstairs sleeping. I am up here. I will take my sleeping pills and just pray my left leg works tomorrow and doesn't suddenly give out as it's been doing this past month. I need to stand and will carry him, thank god I am a muscular girl. 

I came back and he was just on the other side of the deck just laying there... totally silent with his head down... he never sleeps down there on the grass like that... never. It was just creepy, sad, scary, but I was calm, what's left you know? It's me myself and I in this enviornment right now, everyone else has fled and are long gone, so... just talk to myself, no problem, so be it. It's time like these where I just wish I had one person who understood me and what this all means be here you know, just in some form, I think that would make it a bit easier, just one. None of those silly stories that people believe and write, the lies that people create out of confusion or misunderstanding, none of those crazy ideas from people who have never sat in front of me and spoke to my eyes one on one, but someone who has seen me and knows my heart and has literally felt it. It's incredible what people will believe never going directly to the source. It's the world we live in. People assume and judge and they've never met nor spoken with you one on one, but it's fine, I accept that it comes along with the territory. So, I will be strong, I will limp into that place, I will crawl if I have to, I'll do it, period. It's the Hopewell Vet I believe out here in New Jersey, yes, I will there tomorrow morning dawn, and back whenever. I will gladly put aside my humanitarian dreams and seemingly hopeless conquests until a later date. This is what matters, without this little guy I am done, I'm done. I must now officially transform into robot Jamie Leigh for the next few days to see what happens, it's auto-pilot, I've never had the proper chance to be silly because of things like this ever since I was bitty again, and the abuse, and always having to stand up alone, so I will gladly take the reigns and expect absolutely nothing of anyone else, and that is the best thing to do. I know my Marley Boi would be proud of me... I gotta be strong for him, I can't be the lady in pain now. 



Jamie Leigh Posted Within The Woods Of New Jersey ; LETTERS FROM YOU / EDITORIALS ; Join The JL Mailing List For Exclusives ; AOL IM at handle: xAnAmericanGrrlx ; The Official Jamie Leigh Fanclub ; [ CAFE SHOP AND STORE. Please support and help spread the word and messages behind them. ] ; Wishlist 



5.26.04

Direct your eyes towards "Click image above to watch video (26.1 mb)."

This will be able to explain itself. It also allows me to express my current self in more ways than I could ever do on my own. Although there are differences and small cracks, it's captured.



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5.25.04

Things are quite hectic today as well as these last two days. No doubt that will remain another day or so. I have a clock ticking in my mind that refuses to stop, it just keeps going and going, thinking, creating, dreaming, working. I am addicted to whatever it is I am passionate about, and with that seemingly being true of 99.9% of who I am, it as one can imagine, proves none to easy a task. Yet, I do it. Privacy is something I lack in more ways than you can imagine, and not in the sense of having a voice and being heard as I do here, but in the sense of true privacy where you can go to think, find some peace, collect yourself, sit and read books, and just be with my animals. I can't do that now. I can, but it's like fighting to stand up on two legs when one is already weakened and broken off and the other is winding down like the end of a serenade. I didn't take my sleeping pills until around 2 in the morning late last night and then woke up again before dawn as usual so I quite suprised myself. Let's see how much I can do once again today, I am pushing. I'll make a quick cut early now and see what happens. I haven't much more to say at this moment, but will return a bit later on this evening, Marley is here and I want to go out on the deck and enjoy the sun and get into some of the books I need so badly to finish. So, I'll go tend to him and most likely spend time outside for a good long while and check back in later on. It's really beautiful outside, warm, so much like an island, so I can at least pretend if only for a few short hours. My skin is very dark brown now, perhaps the darkest it's ever been as you can see a bit in the new photographs. My hair is now lightened once again to a honey shade which actually looks like golden sand a bit, it's very very light. So until then, I will leave you with this thought that I so love and continue to find refuge within. I am certain for those who follow the plights of most humanitarians or those who live for "the cause" will understand the intent of these. Something below which I read and felt a sense of peace inside after finishing. It's always quite eccentric things of this nature, very strange that float up for me. I will always save or mark or write things down that stick after I discover them. It can be anything. Just a few thoughts and words I read upon and instantly gravitated to for different reasons. I have emailed out the latest personal letter which I hope finds you all safe. I understand it is quite the read so I do apologize for the heaviness, but sometimes I can't help it and things come out no matter what and you just have to let them go where they need to. I'm starting to realize more and more that one of the real dangers of being so openly vulnerable and essentially full force in terms of your own emotion, is that you are left with the constant little bleeding cuts here and there which at any instant can be tossed about a small bit and thrashed straight wide open again. It takes so little and there are tremendous lows, truly tremendous lows that go beyond words. Another blessing braided within a curse when one shows their incredible vulnerabilites and feelings with the world. Everything is a risk, but I suppose for me, these are the risks most quietly and rarely understood or even taken notice of, and for obvious reasons. You get to a cross point where your own personal compassions or hopes in a more universal sense are seemingly destined to dip into the current state of where all of those ideas or thoughts are stemming from presenting and unusually difficult situation. It's fascinating to me. I understand both sexes of human nature, male and female. When you isolate personalities you can break them apart and study them, and get totally absorbed in them like pieces of a puzzle, and that I have done, I always do it because I am a lover of a persons insides, their characters, this is something that goes beyond womans intuition, it's just an extra department in your heart I suppose, it's always beating just a bit harder than the others. I understand certain people, men, it doesn't matter, women are the same quite many, they do things and they move on, the wheels keep turning, I admire that. I am someone who literally breathes every single moment as if it were constantly in the present. It amazes me how people continue to wheel on like that, it truly does, but I know I've always been on the far outside of that bubble looking down onto people like that never fitting in. I feel to much, and at all times, it's a crutch because it's a distraction from what most people consider to be "practical" or "of the real world". You just can't get things like that done nor understood because you are so far in misunderstanding of the continued moving of a certain type of characters wheels, that all you can do is continue to marvel or be mystified, or even pushed even physically away from. I guess I can parallel it to being a turtle. When a turtle gets scared, or is sad, or is trying to hide and shy away from something, it doesn't matter what it is, it can be anything, there is no need to tell, it can simply pop it's head inside it's shell and be safe. It can then come back out when it's ok again, and that's that, no talk, no wonder, no confusion, just silence. I wish I was a turtle more than anything else in this world. That would be real good for me I think. 

He says: I wanted his final resting place to be somewhere beautiful and peaceful. In Egypt we believe that the soul returns to the place that gave happiness, comfort and security. We feel that the soul continues to live in the place they loved and enjoyed. This was his favourite place, he grew up here from the age of ten and I feel his presence here. I come here every day, often when I am tired, perhaps for two or three hours and memories come back to me as I sit. I say prayers and think of him, but I also sometimes do my work here or take breakfast. My children come here and play and run around, there is a nice atmosphere. The 18ft mausoleum, across a stream, just a few minutes walk from the family home, was built on what used to be his polo field. In an ambitious two-year project, costing an estimated £3 million, the even grass pitch was gradually turned into landscaped gardens. Dozens of trees have been planted, fountains built and statues erected. From a distance the mausoleum resembles a pretty summer house, a quiet retreat away from the worries of the world. It was co-designed by Harrods architect Bill Mitchell. He says: "Because of its design the mausoleum fits perfectly into the surrounding area. There is some shelter, but it doesn???t keep out the rain or wind. It means he is part of nature." Close to the grave, up a short pathway guarded by two stone lions, is a small paved area. Leading down to the mausoleum from another side is a long, grass driveway guarded by two giant sphinxes. At either side of the route are statues of mythological creatures, half ram, half lion. 

And something of my own esteem.

Nothing gives me more pleasure now than being able to love and help those in our society who are vulnerable. If I can contribute a little something, then I am more than content. 



Jamie Leigh Posted Within The Woods Of New Jersey ; LETTERS FROM YOU / EDITORIALS ; Join The JL Mailing List For Exclusives ; AOL IM at handle: xAnAmericanGrrlx ; The Official Jamie Leigh Fanclub ; [ CAFE SHOP AND STORE. Please support and help spread the word and messages behind them. ] ; Wishlist


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## KillerAbz (Jun 1, 2004)

Mavs, thank you, I will...


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## KillerAbz (Jun 10, 2004)

6.3.04


2:55 pm est: I can't believe I am documenting all of this but I am, why stop now... this is important for people to see, there is nothing to hide. This is what I've always believed... if you have one person to look for in terms of times like this, it's all you need. I never had that in my life, ever, so I suppose I've assumed that role from my heart whether I liked it or not. You don't ask for those types of things, they just appear and you can either deny it or follow it. I've decided to follow it... even if I never amount to becoming a great ambassador for humanitarianism or peace or travel around the world doing what I love, this is better than nothing. This is truly all it takes. Good and bad, you have to share it all and give it all... you've got to follow whatever it is from above that's pushing you telling you to speak out. At times it becomes muffled especially being alone, but that's all a part of it. Like I said, the tragedy is part of the mission. Everyone has to stand alone at some point, for some however, that's their unchosen destiny as is mine. Maybe I'll never see it truly flourish and become my reality, and that will be alright. Until then trapped in my own Vietnam here in this terrible place with very bad people fighting to get out and finally be free. Off to anywhere in the world, it won't matter. Just as long as I am safe and far far away from any violent people like this ever again. It's ok though, I am keeping score, everything is being recorded, everything - karma will find it's way round, and in a very big way. It'll get you when you least expect it, and that will be a great day of celebration. Justice. Either way, this continues... 

A minute ago I got a phone call from his Dr. in Hopewell. He rung me and said Marley is done with the surgery. The surgery went ok. Marley isn't awake yet, but he's done. The Dr. took out the giant tumor which had burst in several places and was bleeding inside. It's out. He said everything seemed to go ok, it went alright and at this point, Marley looks like he might be turning around and will make it afterall. He will make it! But, I don't want to jinx anything. I don't want to do anything, so I will be calm and wait. He said that Marley will only be able to take in fluids so he recommended he stay out there with them at the office in Hopewell - I agreed. So, I will call and check on Marley tomorrow after I return around 1:00 and get back here to see how he is doing. After he rung me up to tell me and I knew he was done and he was ok, I know it's best for him that he remains over there as long as they will keep him just to be sure and be safe. I would rather he be there then over here where I would do something wrong for him or not do something... so there is best. Right now at this point the surgery is done, it sounded alright but again, these things are critical, each minute, each second, so you can't take anything for granted... but I am glad at least that part is done and that horrible organ is out of his tummy and he is free of that... that's the good part. I am still lost, I feel very strange, very... but he's going to rest now over there, just rest rest. I will ring them up tomorrow to check and of course find out what is next. I want him to stay there for a few days and be taken care of proper... I don't want to be in anyone's way. I am going to keep praying and using whatever magic I have deep inside me and send it over to Boi in the hopes that he gets it... it may not be much coming from me anymore obviously, but I'll do it, I'll continue to do all I can no matter what. He's my boi. That's my little guy. Untouchable or not, seemingly delusional, weirder than weird, eccentric, stuck in her own never neverland... strangely not of this planet and in outter space... crazy... inhuman... alien... insane... freak... weirdo... aberration... curiosity... grotesque... monstrosity... oddity... unsocial entity... paranoid... lacking the grips of "this reality"... it's all the truth... I am. 

They said had Marley waited even an hour later because of his age and lack of needed blood the tumor in his tummy would have burst and he wouldn't have made it. 

Minutes made the difference.

2:09 pm est: I am back. Back from Pennsylvania, back from his other place. I just drove to wherever they told me. Marley is there now, they are doing surgery. I am so confused, I have no idea what's happening but he is there and my cell phone is on so they can call and let me know. He might not make it, I don't know what else to say at this point. But, he's over there now, I just dropped him off in Hopewell, New Jersey. They found something on a lung, and the softball thing in the tummy, it was bleeding but stopped but that was temporary, they are doing surgery to take it out, but I can't understand so much, but I was trying so hard. Even with all I know about animals, I still tried so hard and still could not follow or understand. I just did everything they asked me to do, brought him wherever they needed me to bring him, and gave them whatever information they needed. So, I am waiting to hear back... in the meantime nothing to do but sit and wait... he looked perfectly fine, much better than the last few days just sitting up there on the little table to bring him in. He was smiling. He looked perfectly ok, he was alright, very good today in fact. I gave him bones, he was good going with me for the rides... His legs were even doing ten times better than the last few days. I don't understand. But they said it will be a few hours so to just come back here and wait, he will call me. I'm not going anywhere. I'm just here waiting on my own. I hate to say this, but god forbid anything happens to that little guy, for those of you who have followed me since day one for a few years now... you will understand this perhaps more than others... but I'm telling you all right now, I'm gone. I'd have to get out of here even more so than before and I will work even faster and harder than I have been to make it happen. It will officially be rotted and grim, there is no way I'd stay here longer than I have to - I'm done. There is no way, there's just to much, it's to much. Anything or anyone I have ever cared about would have left me and gone away. Just like dominos, one after the other, no chance to breathe. There is no one left. It hurts every single day and continues to hurt, it never stops or goes away, but you can hide it well, you can keep it in which I've had to. You have to because you need to work hard to cure one bad situation in the hopes of another. You can't just give in because things will happen again as long as you remain. You just reach a point I feel when there is to much hurt there and not an ounce of healing, so you go inside and pretty much become a ghost - you never anticipate or expect anything good to happen, and that's just how it is, you become numb and used to that. There are no options. If you get a taste it never seems to last. Not for me at least. But that's ok, you don't feel sorry or sad because you are on your own since day one, so again, it's the life of a ghost, the lonely hunter. Tragedy is a certainty, it truly is... I really believe that. You can give and give and give to others, you can give of yourself, but in terms of what gets back to you, sadly it rarely if ever finds you, but again, that's the way it works and it's ok. Human nature, I'll never understand it. You dream one day they will come, you write about them, but you never truly allow yourself to believe it. This would be like yet another sword pushed straight through me if it happens. I was already living on half a heart which is difficult enough, in fact there are no words, but you learn to survive somehow... you do... But if this other piece goes as well, I don't know what to say folks... there is no way I'd be able to continue here like this, none. None at all, that's it for me. It would truly be like living in a cemetary, a living hell, there is no way I'd remain here, none. I have no idea where I'll go, there is no where truly I can go, just that same familiar void... and I don't know what I'll do, but it won't matter. All you can do at this point is pray. Marley is there now, but he was smiling and being my silly Marley Boi as always, there was no denying that. He was sitting up on that white table that rises up off the ground, and then I had to sign some papers, and then they told me to leave. I signed my signature incredibly big, almost as if the larger the letter the better the luck and chances that he would be ok and it will all be fine. My letters nearly escaped off the paper. The J, then the L. If anything happens, I'm done, I'm just done. I'd die, once again. 



Jamie Leigh Posted Within The Woods Of New Jersey ; LETTERS FROM YOU / EDITORIALS ; Join The JL Mailing List For Exclusives ; AOL IM at handle: xAnAmericanGrrlx ; The Official Jamie Leigh Fanclub ; [ CAFE SHOP AND STORE. Please support and help spread the word and messages behind them. ] ; Wishlist 



6.1.04


Just got off the telephone with the people in Pennsylvania. I will drive Marley up there this Thursday for a noon (12:00 est) appointment to get his ultra sound done. I will have to tell certain people that I have to take him and can't be anywhere else that morning since obviously this is more important. The woman on the telephone line who I could barely hear told me to have any recent lab work of Marley's faxed over to them, including x-rays. When I brought him on Saturday morning he had two new ones done, both of which had that softball inside the tummy showing up, although again I must say, it was extremely faint. So, I did it, I called, made the appointment, and I will head out early Thursday morning (won't be a problem for me of course) and let them take a proper look and see what they say. For anyone who wants to know specifics in case you have to bring your babies up there (which I pray you never do, but that's why I am sharing this all with you as always...) we will be at: The Veterinary Specialty & Emergency Center, 1900 W. Old Lincoln Highway, Langhorne, PA 19047. Their telephone number is 215.750.7884, and fax 215.752.3156. If a miracle occurs and Marley is alright, you will definitly want to keep notice of this spot considering I was there personally with him and had good news. But that's all a prayer at this point. So, Thursday am I will help him into the car, and head on up. I haven't gotten the directions yet which are important of course, but I'll get them in a little bit, I still have some time and I've been told it's quite straight forward. So, think of us... This is their website.

It's about 2:04 as I write this and I must say, Marley is not looking well at all. He seems to be very sad in his face, very, and it's not usual. I helped him eat a bit of cold vegetables before, I gave him his pill that the vet gave to me on Saturday which are getting fewer and fewer, but despite all that and all the rest he has been getting, I don't know friends, he doesn't seem back to his old self again as I had hoped... but again, you keep hoping you know... nothing more to do. I have the door opened so he can get fresh air and after I write this I will head out and sit and read my books outside for a while and help him out there, I think that will make him feel better. He just seems to be looking into someplace that is clearly not here with me. But you know what, I think that's alright. He's tired, so he must rest, so perhaps it's all just being very sleepy. The more sleep the better, I know, look who's talking. But, there's no time for me, I'll heal one day, for now, I have more important things to take care of on my own over here. I keep talking to him and he's looking, it's hard but he hears me so that's a good thing at least. I tried to give him some water, I brought the bowl right up to his mouth but he wouldn't drink, not thirsty. That I don't like, but I will keep trying. I have contacted two truly unique places over the weekend while trying to keep distracted a bit while Marley rested. One, the Guinness World Records, the other a fellow humanitarian whom I'd written and sent quite a long letter. The links have also been updated. Now though is not the proper time to get into detail. I also got an interview request which I agreed to after some thought, so something else to look forward to coming up. 

Just a bit of an update. Many had asked to be kept up to speed so I won't let you down. He is still simply laying and not making any noise at all, very quiet, and when he gets up to walk I have to help him, lift his leggies and then help him lay down. He lays down and I sense he is squishing his legs - literally, so I try to position him so he's alright, but I don't know, I can only guess. As long as he has his head down I can pray he's not in pain... that's always the only concern I have. Time to read some books, I'll get him and carry him out, see what happens. I'll give him armies and rubbies and just read my books. As long as he seems at peace, it's all I care about until Thursday... it's like Michael told me, we want to heal others so badly that often our own selves become ignored, but it's times like these where we must continue to be as selfless as possible, and focus on one job at hand at a time. Just think good thoughts, good good thoughts, you have to be strong. An unspoken language we have you might say. We truly do. 

Nanoo, (on msn: NaNoO) you are incredible. The myth is very much alive. Thank you for your continued love and support as well as your unwavering belief in me and understanding. 

I just keep saying, transfer all of Marley's pain to Jamie Leigh, just give her all the pain, transfer it all over, all of it, everything, everything, anything that hurts - GO, do it do it. Maybe it will work, you never know. No harm in at least trying. 

Will check back in a bit... 



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## KillerAbz (Jun 10, 2004)

*Diary Updates*

6.09.04






Farewell Mr. President. Politics aside, I personally wish to thank you for your countless and continued efforts made in the name of humanitarianism causes and the plights of others around the world while you were here. Yours is an image of genuine caring and stripped down authenticity that I can only hope to one day capsulate in my own unique way. On behalf of all of those in need, the voiceless, the animals, the humbled spirits with a specific and predestined mission of the heart, those in pain or reaching out, I thank you for all that you did while you were here, and am proud to include you as one of my great humanitarian ambassadors of inspiration and admiration. Yours is truly a horse of a different color, but one of compassion nontheless, and one with which I dream I can one day step into the similar shoes of in due time. 

With love and the very best of happy days riding your horses high above in heaven,

Jamie Leigh
June 9, 2004, Age 23 



Jamie Leigh Posted Within The Woods Of New Jersey ; LETTERS FROM YOU / EDITORIALS ; Join The JL Mailing List For Exclusives ; AOL IM at handle: xAnAmericanGrrlx ; The Official Jamie Leigh Fanclub ; [ CAFE SHOP AND STORE. Please support and help spread the word and messages behind them. ] ; Wishlist 




6.09.04

I rang up as promised once again to speak with Marley's doctor early afternoon today, thankfully the one I had started off with, however I failed to reach him and left a message. I was told he was in surgery on another animal, so of course he was greatly needed and I hope whomever's love he was working on will be alright. I was quite concerned today I must say only because of the great heat. It was enormously hot in New Jersey, nearly 100 degrees, and my thoughts for Marley were that wherever they were keeping him while he got his treatments he was cool and comfortable, that was very important so I was worried about that. Not only my Marley, but all the animals as well. I know from my work in animal shelters that sometimes those darlings are kept in truly difficult temperatures, and no one ever says anything... until I did and always continue to do if I ever suspect it might present a problem. They are usually very good, but knowing me, I always make extra sure since theirs is a voice of silence I have adopted as my own. I left the message with the lady who collects them but by this time all have most likely gone home and I can only assume that all is alright as the doctor did not ring me back. I will call once again at the usual time tomorrow for an update on his condition. The only bit of news for today which obviously isn't much, but I made certain to leave the note and message that I had called as asked so he could get back to me if he needed. Until tomorrow, I tuck in as usual early to wake before dawn and head out. 



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6.9.04








Elliott and E.T. ride forward. Horror grows on Elliott's face as he stares at the enemy in front of him.

On the side panel of a car is a sign stating: 

FOR OFFICIAL USE ONLY
U.S. GOVERNMENT
INTERAGENCY MOTOR POOL
GSA

The shadow of a shotgun falls on the sign. Two of the men at the blockade lift their shotguns high. 

Elliott shuts his eyes with fear. There is a closeup of E.T.'s face, in a trance-like expression. With guns drawn, government agents gesture for them to stop. 

Suddenly the bikers all lift up into the air and fly above the blockade. 

The men, dumbfounded, helplessly watch them fly away. 

E.T. steers the boys over the housetops, and across the setting sun. They are amazed, frightened, thrilled. Finally they float down onto a path in the forest. 

They have reached the landing site. Elliott brushes the leaves away from the turntable of the communication device. A blue light floods his face. He looks up, along with the other bikers. E.T., with red heart happily flashing, also gazes into the sky as his spaceship descends. "Home," says E.T. 

The spaceship continues its descent as E.T.'s heart-light flutters. The ship finally lands enveloped in a golden glow. 

A car pulls into the forest, and Gertie's voice can be heard pointing out the location of the boys. The ramp to the spaceship lowers. Gertie runs up to Mike and E.T. She gives E.T. the plant and says that she just wanted to say goodbye. Michael comments that E.T. doesn't know goodbye.

"Be good," says E.T. "Yes," says Gertie, and she kisses him on the nose. Mike places his hand on E.T.'s head. 

E.T. puts the plant on the ground. Mary and Keys run up to the edge of the site. Mike picks up Gertie and carries her away as Elliott slowly approaches E.T. 

"Come," says E.T. 

"Stay," says Elliott. 

E.T. lifts his finger to his lips and quietly says "ouch." 

Elliott, nearing tears, does the same. 

E.T. and Elliott hug each other, surrounded by blue and white lights. Elliott and Mary exchange glances as Mike and Gertie stand by and watch. 

Then E.T. lifts his finger to Elliott's forehead. It lights up, causing Elliott to flinch. E.T. says: "I'll be right here." 

E.T. picks up the potted plant and carries it up the gangplank. Elliott watches from below as Harvey starts up the plank, then returns to his side. 

The gangplank lifts up and separates E.T. from Elliott. The ship's circular entrance closes. The spaceship lifts off. Elliott watches it float up slowly into the twilight. Then it suddenly, silently speeds away, leaving behind an orange-blue rainbow. 

The film ends with a close-up of Elliott's face gazing up into the sky. 


Tis true my form is something odd.
But blaming me is blaming God;
Could I create myself anew,
I would not fail in pleasing you.
If I could reach from pole to pole, 
Or grasp the ocean with a span,
I would be measured by the soul,
The heart's the standard of the man.









Jamie Leigh Posted Within The Woods Of New Jersey ; LETTERS FROM YOU / EDITORIALS ; Join The JL Mailing List For Exclusives ; AOL IM at handle: xAnAmericanGrrlx ; The Official Jamie Leigh Fanclub ; [ CAFE SHOP AND STORE. Please support and help spread the word and messages behind them. ] ; Wishlist 



6.7.04 | Marley Condition Update


Dear Friends. Here is a bit of an update on Marley. I have been rampant trying to ring up the doctor without being a nudge, and of course because the weekend that passed was a good time to let him rest considering all of the surgeries he is going through. This is an update on his condition and what I know now at this point. I will be ringing them up once more later on this afternoon to get a bit more of detail, but until then here is the latest news:

- Marley is very weak but is eating a small bit
- a bit disoriented due to troubles and work that is being done
- blood results coming this afternoon
- resting quite often which is good
- going out for a little walk before the sun sets each day with a nurse at hospital but having great difficulties standing on his legs (back legs especially)
- current condition described as "ok" considering all the work that is being done on him, etc. so the more rest the better
- burst tumor near and on spleen now completely removed from his tummy and out
- going to the bathroom ok but not drinking very much
- has now been there since last Thursday, several days, longest ever away from his home
- new doctor stepped in named Dr. Judy Glogau to do other work and surgeries which I was not made aware of until today

I told the woman (not the doctor she was busy doing other surgeries) to make sure she lets everyone in that place know how many people are sending their love, prayers, and pulling for this little guy from all around the world because he's a superstar - my superstar - my little Boi. I said just make certain to keep a very special eye on him and tell every and anyone over there that thousands of people and creatures alike in the forrest, the ocean, the fish tanks, hampsters, squirrels, the lizards out in the hot air of Cancun to the polar bears out near the poles, are all keeping this little guy in their hearts praying for his quick recovery. She said she would, she knew who I was on the phone so I am certain the eccentric requests to be passed on didn't come as any surprise. Again, as long as there is no pain and it is understood and efforts are being done for that, I will put my full and complete trust in these doctors and continue to tell them not to give up and do all they can. This little Boi is like no other in this world. None. On a corner of every continent an animal ambassador is climbing to the highest mountain and sending a special wish hoping it will reach Marley... I just hope he knows that and gets them while he sits in that cage or wherever he may be while he rests. 




Jamie Leigh Posted Within The Woods Of New Jersey ; LETTERS FROM YOU / EDITORIALS ; Join The JL Mailing List For Exclusives ; AOL IM at handle: xAnAmericanGrrlx ; The Official Jamie Leigh Fanclub ; [ CAFE SHOP AND STORE. Please support and help spread the word and messages behind them. ] ; Wishlist


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## KillerAbz (Jun 19, 2004)

*6.13.04* 



Once upon a time
There was a beautiful young girl
And the girl was practically a slave
But no one knew
None would ever listen nor believe
For the constant sprouts of fantasy were killed with a sword
But what no one knew
Was that the Goblin King fell in love with her
And gave her certain powers
So one night
When many had been very cruel to her
She asked the Goblins for help
She knew they were strangers, but she had no one else
The girl knew the King Of The Goblins
Would keep her heart and soul in his castle forever and ever
And eventually turn her into a goblin
So she suffered in silence
Until one night
When she grew tired of breathing the air of this unchosen galaxy
And hurt by the harsh words of those around her
She began to slowly slip and drift away
Far far away 

I must say the words
No, I musn't
I musn't say
I wish
I hope
What hope is there in a wish to the unknown
I can bear it no longer
Goblin King! Goblin King!
Wherever you may be
Take this spirit of mine far from here 

I wish I did know what to say
To make the goblins take me away
I wish the goblins would come 

It's only forever
Not long at all
Lost and lonely
No one can blame you
For walking away
But too much rejection
No love injection
Gone to hide away inside the guilded cage 

Don't tell me truth doesn't hurt little girl
Because it hurts like hell
But I hear down in the underground
You'll find someone true
Down in the underground
A land serene
A crystal moon 

It's only forever
Not long at all 

Through dangers untold
And hardships unnumbered
I have fought my way here
To the castle beyond The Goblin City
To ask the goblins for their help
For my will is as strong as theirs
And my kingdom is as great 

Far from what one once was
Goblin King
The world has fallen down
I need your help
I need you now more than ever 

Mr. John Merrick, I see and understand your pain
I see what the world has not nor continues to see
Perhaps what it has forgotten
But it lives
I see it, I feel it
For I am it
I will always be there
Your friend
My friend 

To understand but never be understood
In this world
A world where humanity has been lost 

A dark car is being sent out
I go in disguise
The city whose towers blackened fell
The garden which bears no earth
Inside 

Deep inside 

The lights have all gone out 

The once burning flame
Now has been vanquished 

Within the painting the winds have frozen
Knifed within the gilded ceiling above 

For there is no greater way to dismantle ones character than to isolate it 

Thunder 

Marley is gone 

Please 

I need a miracle 


*Jamie Leigh Posted Within The Woods Of New Jersey* 









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*SPREAD THE WORD* 




*HOOK IT UP:* Please take a button to link to me and this website and help support me and my messages and spread the word. I am a woman on my own, but a passionate one with a mission and determination, so every little bit helps. 



(Please save images to your own servers and link back to *http://www.jamieleigh.net*) 

More banners and additional buttons as well as contact information here.
____________ 

*THEY SAY:* 

_It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop._
- Confucious, In Humanity
_Be the change you want to see in the world._
- Mahatma Gandhi
_My imagination makes me human and makes me a fool; it gives me all the world and exiles me from it._
- Ursula K. Le Guin
_Create like a god, command like a king, work like a slave._
- Constantin Brancusi
_Surely whoever speaks to me in the right voice him or her I shall follow as the water follows the moon, silently._
- Walt Whitman
_Life is mostly froth and bubble. Two things stand like stone ; kindness in another's trouble, and courage within your own._
_To understand, rather than be understood. That's *my mission*. It's coming slowly, but I know it's my destiny, it's has to be, nothing else feels right. Compassion within humanity and doing things in the name of peace and love has become extinct. As a result I feel humanity to be in a current state of emergency. I feel this deeply, the pain, personal and around the world, therefore I must follow it, even if it ends in certain tragedy and I have no idea how I'll dive in. I've got to just dive and pray. If not, there is no reason to live unless it's for what you are passionate about. Sadly, there is an open slot that must be filled, no matter how small or how misunderstood, I've got to step up as long as I still feel it inside, which I do._


</I>

____________ 


*IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE - A MINI PERSONAL GALLERY* 

A few current original photographs of mine (some older) that were used for various flyers, campaigns, etc. which you are welcome to have (A Bit Rough And Scratchy Quality Wise) - Others Better - All Photographs Will Be Available In New Gallery Once It Launches (Click For Full Sizes)</I> 



 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
____________





NEW *PHOTOGRAPH EXHIBITION "The Life And Death Of Compassion"**
A brutally honest series of current intimate images captured communicating both physical,mental, and spiritual pain - flaws and all. From birth to momentary life, and then to death. Gallery exhibit along with personal video greeting introduction as well as it's intent and purpose available for member viewing only*javascript:void(0).
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*LABYRINTH CODE KEY*
+ = Denotes personal letter is on it's way
*Currently Reading:* "The Lamb To The Slaughter" By Joy Jones Daymon, "Diana Story Of A Princess" By Tim Clayton and Phil Craig, "Diana The Last Year" By Donald Spoto, "Diana A Cultural History, _Gender, Race, Nation and the People's Princess_" By Jude Davies
*Currently Watching:* This Wonderful Life, MONSTER, The Elephant Man 
*CALENDAR - JUNE 2004*
11: Left Leg Shot And Full Examination At Local Doctors
17: Madonna, The Re-Invention Tour, Madison Square Garden
20: Madonna, The Re-Invention Tour, Madison Square Garden
23: Round to Doctor for left leg 3:00, Princeton, New Jersey
TBD: Marley Returns Home Healed
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## KillerAbz (Jul 1, 2004)

*Mistakes of mother nature...*

6.23.04

Descend upon my heart. 

Many philosophers said that human kind should listen to their rational soul, not to their animal passions. That their rational part should rule their animal part. The instincts and sensitivities of an animal are ones with which I have always found a kinship with. In truth, that is an understatement. It is where I have found the only elements of true understanding. It was alive with one for quite a long amount of time, but was soon gone. Of course, all has and continues to remain. Being unconditional is both a blessing and a curse. When you are guided by your heart, you are instantly an animal in it's truest form, whether one realizes it or not. When I think of the plights of the human condition, despite the illusions of the material world that so many have found comfort in, they are no different than those of animals. However, one of the greatest, simplest, and most humble of concepts that an animal retains and has retained despite the changes in time, and introduction of the material world that we now find ourselves living in, is that of unconditional love and loyalty. Both seeking it and giving it in order to survive. With an animal, the need to survive is not based upon contributions from those around them, for all they need is their own path in which to follow, and then they follow it, usually alone. They are aware and move about simply by instinct and raw feeling of that which they need to breathe, to move, to be home. They are not born with a book, or a story, or a scroll with each job or teaching they must go through in order to become something of substance. For within the animal kingdom, that which represents substance, is found in the spiritual, the emotional, the elusive, the unconscious, the divine. This, is where human nature has lost it's way, and where they are blinded by that which has sadly taken over in terms of importance. A giant beast was able to walk for miles on end for years alone only stopping for brief moments to rest, for food, or a quick drink of water from whatever open river they could find. Most of their lives were spent walking alone through every and any climate imaginable in hopes of a destination of safety and comfort. On many occasions, new companions would make themselves known and were then warmly welcomed. If the mission was similar, the bond was instant. There was no need for judgement, no need for comparison, no need for evaluation. They never sought freedom, for that wasn't needed. Their mission was a vey special one. It was that of selfless security and life of their species and eventually, in finding a mate in which to come together and take along on it's journey. In time, they would produce offspring and once old enough, would join them on the journey as well. If they were to little to walk on their own, they would climb up the backs of the great beast and find a soft spot in which to lay and await the unknown... arrival upon a new destination with which as always, was never clear or expected. The little ones would put all their trust and hopes within the beast in which they lay. As long as they were on their backs, there was no need to be afraid. Through bitterly cold lands, sundried horizon, dusty dried areas of burnt wood, and whatever mother nature had to offer, they remained focused on their paths. One by one they would loss one of their travel companions to other things, yet would continue on no matter what. Some, were simply to tired and to weak to return to all four legs once they had been struck down. For those who were unable to continue, they would find a hidden place, walk around several times in a circle with their heads down, and eventually collapse to the earth. Over time, when all had passed and continued along and they had been left, their bodies would eventually beign to crumble. The wind would leave them with opened scars and wounds, and blood would slowly fill their eyes which once hunted for serenity and peace. Soon, the eyes would become to heavy with that of tear and red, and close. They would form a little ball in which eternal sleep and entrance into their next journey would then be able to begin. Although they were unaware of the signs all around them perhaps leading them closer to their destinations, they found them based upon what they remembered and what they retained within their minds from a single experience. That was all it took. A glance, a piece, a drop of rain on their nose was all they needed to remember certain things which would prove helpful to them later on. If it was called upon, the memory of it would return as if it never had left. 

I always heard the comparison made of human nature to being that of animal nature when it comes to means of survival. How instinct kicks in as would with an animal during times of great desperation, need, and pain. A hunger for that which isn't ever fully understood, until it is missing and long gone, even then, all that is recognized is the feeling. What I never truly understood however, was why the distinct underlying message that an animal stands for is continually overlooked. The message of the animal kingdom. That is the message of harmony and unity amongst all creatures no matter what their differences. In the animal kindgom there is no judgement. There is grouping in relation to species, those with wings, those without, those with webs for feet, those with toes. Those with fur and those with scales, those who sleep in deep dark caves, and those silently out on the highest branch in the highest tree above the deepest ocean. There is no need for power, no need for fear aside from the fear that is born within them in terms of continuing on their species. But it is no fear like that of human kind. For their fear is one of becoming no more, of becoming instinct. They do not fear isolation, nor seclusion, nor being alone, because they retain all they need to survive without that with which the material world has thrust into so many of the human kind. 

Although idealistic to a great vast, or perhaps even naive, one of the truest forms of selflessness can be seen through any animal or creature not that of human kind. What remains a true mystery, is the ability for the creature to keep going despite the cruel hands of those so far removed from them. From those who have continued to use their good name in justification of their own selfish actions and greeds that the animal has never needed to live to begin with. For many, the animal represents a form of a god, or spiritual being. A symbol to look to in times of human failure and disappointment. A grounding. Perhaps for me what is the most ironic and inspiring of their power, is that they most likely do not even realize nor care about that with which they hold so high above so many others... because for them, power is simply an illusion. A branch with which they have flown high above and over despite it's attraction or fear for those who refuse to live without it. They have already found their answer, and it hasn't been within the realm of the rational or practical. For them, the heart and connection within other hearts has always remained their only course. I guess in the end when all one has left is their imagination, the hope of love never dies since it's already found it's home born inside. And with that, their fire continues to burn waiting patiently. 



Jamie Leigh Posted Within The Woods Of New Jersey ; LETTERS FROM YOU / EDITORIALS ; Join The JL Mailing List For Exclusives ; AOL IM at handle: xAnAmericanGrrlx ; The Official Jamie Leigh Fanclub ; [ CAFE SHOP AND STORE. Please support and help spread the word and messages behind them. ] ; Wishlist


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## KillerAbz (Jul 1, 2004)

*Mistakes...  can you believe that?*

6.28.04

They call them mistakes of Mother Nature, yet none took the time to see into their pasts, into their hearts. They looked through the bars, the windows, the cages, and just kept walking. Mistakes. Can you believe that? A mistake. The very concept makes me shake. When the human condition evaporates it seems all one can do is judge that with which fascinates or intrigues them, then of course break them apart piece by piece. The isolation can be deadly, but for some, it can save their lives. Each one is different. If the heart is in charge, most don't make it, however if the brain and the mind is what finds the control, the chances are higher. Either way, the parts are studied closely. Element by element, molecule by molecule. Cell by cell. Until, there is nothing more. Nothing left to pick, nothing left to crucify. Silence. There is an undetected beauty in those souls which very few have the ability to see. Perhaps only once in a lifetime. What many simply consider freakish, is in my mind natures way of saying, here's one not like the rest, although it won't last long, but while it does, it will inspire. Oddities if you will. Any name will do. Mistakes, in my case, equals. Friends. I once read about a mummy who was buried. I could relate to his story. He was a young Egyptian boy. When he died, after being mummified, he had all of his pets mummified as well so he wouldn't get lonely in the afterlife. He had lived a life loving one girl, but in the end, she had broken his heart and he couldn't find any other reason to continue on, so he chose to end his life with the love that he had found for that small amount of time. The quest that some travel the worlds on, had come to an instant conclusion the moment he saw her. He knew straight away, she was the one. He felt after those brief moments spent with her, he had lived the life of a true king, and could die in peace and enter his next life knowing that. Nothing else mattered. He had nothing more to live for. His pets during his life were a lion cub, a lizard, and a rat. None of them had names because they didn't need any. They were family. After he lost his love he was greatly hurt and lived his remaining day in pain and cried himself to sleep every single night. Not for the pain, but more for the magic he experienced in the little time he did have with his love. No matter how young, no matter what anyone else told him, he knew in his heart, his destiny had been fulfiled. What is the good of the strongest heart, in a body that's falling apart. A seriously flaw, I hope you know that. So, with his remaining pieces of heart that were left, all of his energy and comfort was found within his animals, for they were all he had ever known as a family. He would talk to them all the time and tell them stories about pirates, about ghosts, anything that would help them to escape, and for the boy, to keep a tear from falling as usual. They never once got scared, for they knew the stories no matter how scary or weird, or even confusing, all had a deeply rooted message within them that they would never ever forget. When he left, he knew he wanted his animals by his side to return and be together upon their rebirth. These were considered mere relics to those who would come to hear their story nearly hundreds of years later. For them, the story was told as one of a freakish, foolish boy who fell in love, lost his true love, and lived the remaining of his young days alone cherishing her memory in his heart and being with his animals. He was a very lonely boy, and never once felt he fit into the everyday life that so many had found ease in. It simply was not meant for him, but he knew it was his destiny to be different. By leaving that life early perhaps he thought he would once again find his true love when he returned in the next. All of the innocent things that so many never took the time to appreciate or understand is all that he so craved and sadly took with him along with his family of animal friends into his final deep sleep. A sleep so deep, that he was never to be awoken within that life ever again. He was gone and had slipped away. Today, where the boy's mummy lays miles and miles underneath layers of ground and hardened earth, is a small fountain of water which continues to run and fall to this very day. Some have been said to have even seen quite disturbing sights of blood coming from the fountain in between the running of the water, supposidly as a reminder of the youngs boys broken heart and longing to be with the only one he ever truly loved which continued to bleed even up until his final days. Perhaps a reminder of his unconditional love that he continues to shed even after his spirit has been long gone for hundreds of years and gone through several, if not many transformations and characters. Some have even said to have seen his skeleton walking around the fountain sometimes at night once all have gone and tucked away into bed. Most of the time he would sit and read, usually a book of fantasy or magic. Either way, he was very much still alive, no matter what those who would come to know at "the freak boy who died of a broken heart" tried to do to dismay the legend. As long as the stars continued to shine in one of their worlds beyond, in time they would once again find eachother and finally be home. No pain, ever again. 




Jamie Leigh Posted Within The Woods Of New Jersey ; LETTERS FROM YOU / EDITORIALS ; Join The JL Mailing List For Exclusives ; AOL IM at handle: xAnAmericanGrrlx ; The Official Jamie Leigh Fanclub ; [ CAFE SHOP AND STORE. Please support and help spread the word and messages behind them. ] ; Wishlist


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## KillerAbz (Jul 1, 2004)

JULY 2004
1: MRI 6:00 for hurting leg and entire body (about 2 hours) Princeton
12: Day of birth
15: Najmi 5:45, Plastic Surgeon, Breast Check-Up, Scars, Tissue
20: C D Hill 3:00
____________


6.30.04

We had fed the heart on fantasies
The heart's grown brutal from the fare
We have a brutal culture
Half-starved by fantasies which circle further and further from the world, and offer sustenance to no real imaginative flight. But if we found other for the imagination to take, it would be possible in the shared experiences of cultures, of our history, of our pain, our deep pain, our struggles, our fights, our loves, our dreams. 
The grinding water and the gasping wind
The ever-private tragic sea
For within the gilded cage of normality
One screams to just play, yet the bizarre is all the world hears 


Additions. 


http://www.jamieleigh.net/editorial.html 


All my love to you all. Goodnight.




Jamie Leigh Posted Within The Woods Of New Jersey ; LETTERS FROM YOU / EDITORIALS ; Join The JL Mailing List For Exclusives ; AOL IM at handle: xAnAmericanGrrlx ; The Official Jamie Leigh Fanclub ; [ CAFE SHOP AND STORE. Please support and help spread the word and messages behind them. ] ; Wishlist


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## KillerAbz (Jul 15, 2004)

7.15.04 | A WORK OF ART. THE GREATEST BIRTHDAY GIFT ANYONE HAS EVER GIVEN ME.



I've never celebrated my birthday, but on July 12th I turned 23. I always feel incredibly guilty accepting gifts from people, especially material things, I just don't feel good doing it. I get painfully shy and usually hide which as you all know, isn't something that I'm not used to doing. I feel terrible actually, it's real hard for me to take things considering what I know is happening right now outside my own little world. I'm very sensitive to it, to all of it. Much like Elliot felt everything from ET, I feel everything I know far more than many. And it is no secret at all, that right now in my heart, I am feeling very ouch. The story is so similar for me ET, to similar. I can relate to it very much. It's core is a message that a lot of people can't identify with unless they've been in a similar position or currently are as I am, but it's universal in the appeal and importance to those who see it. It goes straight to the heart, even if it is a heart filled with big ouch. Many don't understand me, or why I behave or deal with many things the way I do, but it's hard for me to explain, really. There is a great history there, and those who know it understand, those who don't if they stick around long enough will hopefully come to understand, but again, that is only another wish of mine which I realize is idealistic and naive. There is a simplicity to it, to anything I do and believe, so that in and of itself I think to many people looking in is nothing short of weird and very strange. It's because in the world today, those simple things have been lost, tarnished, thrust aside for other more commercial things which are moving so fast you can't ever keep up, I know I can't. I've never felt a part of the world in that sense, and I never will. And that's ok. In truth, I would rather someone if they truly wanted to get me a gift, donate some time or toys or blankets to kids or animals in the shelters, or donate some money to charities I support. That to me would be a gift I could appreciate, because I am not directly accepting anything, but the thought, and love, and compassion is there and then sent off into different areas. In terms of creative works, paintings, photographs, drawings, writings, letters, I have an obsession with them, especially with paintings. I pay close attention to the detail, even in terms of offering suggestions to the artist who created it which can sometimes be tricky. You, in an indirect way are breaking apart the greatest works of artists whom have been paid millions of dollars by kings and queens throughout history to have their image hang in their walls. And there's little me, seeing something they might have considered adding or incorporating in some new innovative way. But despite my own perfectionistic visions of myself and things I view, in others works, I am always lost for words. This year, I was surprised with something I never imagined anyone would bother taking the time to do. 

Baur, my heart can not express how truly humbled and grateful I am to you for this work of art. As always is the case with me, I am although guilty in accepting gifts, it is things such as this, artwork, creations from someones imagination that I will forever welcome with open arms. Your talent is extraordinary, and again, I am simply speechless. You were the only one who managed to make my heart happy again if only for a brief moment and offer me some much needed hope and light which for the current time is something that means a tremendous deal despite great pain and hurt. For that, I thank you. Look at this that he did, incredible... just incredible. 

With my hand on my heart again, I thank you so very much for this. I will frame it and treasure it always and keep it in a very special place so I can see it every day. It was an honor for me to be able to keep this from you.

All My Love To You,

Jamie Leigh 


Jamie Leigh Posted Within The Woods Of New Jersey ; LETTERS FROM YOU / EDITORIALS ; Join The JL Mailing List For Exclusives ; AOL IM at handle: xAnAmericanGrrlx ; The Official Jamie Leigh Fanclub ; [ CAFE SHOP AND STORE. Please support and help spread the word and messages behind them. ] ; Wishlist 



7.09.04

They just left him there to die all alone. He was very afraid and was helpless, but no one came to help him or even bothered to look down beneath their own shoes. If they had, they would have seen him there. Today I found a pigeon in the middle of the road. He was sitting there and wasn't moving an inch. It was in front of a bookstore I was about to enter, one of my favorites, but I saw him instantly and froze. He was a grey color, the same color as the pavement. I thought he was a big stone. Then, as I got closer, I saw the eyes, and then they blinked. I sat down to see if he was ok and didn't even notice that there were hundreds of cars passing by all around me. Many as usual were honking their horns, staring, it was to be understood. Afterwards as always, they just kept on riding and driving away. His eyes were open, but barely, and they were blinking real slow, but that's all. His wings were folded together and he was waiting to die. If I hadn't have found him he would have been killed within minutes because of the amount of cars circling the corner. I took him up and put him into my left hand since he was little enough to fit and walked straight back to the car. I held him as gentle as I could, I couldn't risk hurting him anymore, and even still not knowing what was hurting him on the inside or outside - but I knew what I had to do, it kicks in straight away with me, you don't think about anything. I got in and drove, and drove, and drove, and drove. He was sitting in my lap underneath the wheel and I put my arm down and formed a nest so he could snuggle into that and feel safe. I drove for hours looking for any place that would take him and help him, but none did. Each one I went into they all said, "We simply can't just take in a stray pigeon from the streets, we just can't do that here, no one will, the risks are to great and we don't know where he's been or what he's been through. We're sorry." I didn't listen and I never stopped. I refused to. I would find a way for him and wouldn't quit until I did. I finally managed a place several miles out leaving New Jersey only for a few minutes. An old woman who takes in hurt animals from the wild whether they be birds left on the sides of roads who have been hit, deer left with one leg just watching the cars pass hoping his family will come back for him but never do, anything. I drove straight to her house which was behind a large red barn at the top of a hill. I had a little box and put in a blanket which I wrapped the bird up in and kept checking on him to make sure he was still ok. He was, but he wasn't doing well. I told him to hang on. I brought him in and met with the woman whom I had spoken with on the telephone. When I walked up the front steps of the house it seemed haunted. A gate was wrapping around it and it was old and rusty. There were all sorts of birds, crows, rabbits, all running around everywhere, but for some reason I never felt more at home and confident in my choice. This is where he would be saved, he'd make it and be alright. It was high in the mountains. There was nothing around for miles, only forrest and trees. I had to drive out very far into a very isolated place. All around you were racoons, squirrels in the trees, deer eating fruits, horses, but there were no gates to keep them in anywhere, it was all wide open. Nothing mattered, they were all so different from eachother, yet there was a peace, there was no sides, no cages, no crying, just playing. After I went in I left him with her, gave her my mobile number and said the moment she can tell me how he is to call and to take special care. I told her not to hesitate, anytime, at any moment, I want to know he'll be alright. She said she promised. I was right, he was a baby, and in checking out his little legs as I drove the journey to her home I had noticed one of the legs hanging loose like a broken swing missing one of it's ropes. I never pat myself on the back because that isn't why I do what I do, I do it because I care, and because I can't let animals like that be left in the middle of a road where the demographics continue to file in and allow him to die like that, it just wouldn't happen as long as I had anything to say and do about it, which I did. Now, he is at a place where he will be healed, and in due time, will be released outside once he can use his wings again and fly away - home. Home to his family who right now is wondering if their baby is still alive, or if the humans kept walking failing to notice the strange placement of the little grey creature blinking his eyes in the middle of their world. He's going to live a long happy life. Don't worry, your little one is going to be just fine, she'll take good care of him and then she'll set him back free. He'll be with you all soon, wherever you are. 



Jamie Leigh Posted Within The Woods Of New Jersey ; LETTERS FROM YOU / EDITORIALS ; Join The JL Mailing List For Exclusives ; AOL IM at handle: xAnAmericanGrrlx ; The Official Jamie Leigh Fanclub ; [ CAFE SHOP AND STORE. Please support and help spread the word and messages behind them. ] ; Wishlist 



7.07.04


Ever look into their eyes?
Those eyes discovered the stars long before man was even a whisper on mother earth
Could look into a mans soul if they want

Dear Friends,

Tonight, I ask for your help. Not for me, don't worry about me, I'll be alright. This is for a group of animals right now living in the waters who need your help, all of our help badly. When I was little I adopted a whale, I named him Herbie. I never knew what became of Herbie, but I hope he lived a life of freedom and happiness. I was to little and I had nothing more to offer him so I was greatly upset by that, and am still to this day. Those animals were my family, they are my family, the only family I've ever known. But despite by own personal setbacks and great flaws, I am certain he is somewhere far away right this very minute swimming the cool crystal blue waves with all of his friends. I know he is. It's something you feel inside. There is no explanation. I'll never meet him I know, but it's in simply knowing I helped in some acute way which is all I care about. It's all I ever care about, but I know it's not enough, the action is the key. I'm not much at all right now, so I will let some others tell you a bit of a story. Afterwards we will be together and I will find you once again at the end before you leave.

The enormous size of the great whales has always been a marvel to mankind, and their hidden way of life in the vast oceans has long given birth to myths and legends. From earliest times to the present, many people have thought them fish. But whales are not fish; they are mammals with warm blood that breathe air, not water, and give birth to living young which feed on their mother's milk. 

The Greek philosopher Aristotle, who lived from 384 to 322 B.C., may not have been the first person to recognize that whales are mammals, but he was certainly the first to record his observations. In his "Historia Anamalium," he defined whales as "all creatures that have a blow-hole respire and inspire, for they are provided with lungs.'" 

It was not until science was reborn in the sixteenth and seventeenth centuries that the true nature of the whales began to be realized. It was Konrad Gesner, a German-Swiss doctor living in Zurich, published between 1551 and 1558 the enormous 'Historia Animalium' that formed the starting point of modern zoology. His great folio volumes were illustrated with many fine woodcuts of animals...many of [which] appear fantastic to us, but the absurdities arise because the artists tried to draw animals they had never seen from descriptions that they misunderstood. Huge creatures are shown attacking ships full of men, whereas it has always been the men that attacked the whales. The thought that a whale is big enough to sink a ship is translated into actuality. It was said, too,that throwing barrels overboard would distract the attention of whales attacking a ship, and that the sound of music would calm their fury." 

The beauty of dolphins frolicking in waves with amazing speed and grace has long attracted the attention of artists, who have represented the animal in painting and sculpture. The earliest picture that has been preserved is the dolphin frieze of the Queen's Megaron in the palace of Knossos, dating from about 2000 B.C. This frieze is a beautiful representation of the common dolphin, and was obviously painted by an artist who had examined the animals carefully, and who painted a picture based on knowledge and not on guesswork. Similar figures, often more or less conventionalized, often occur as decoration on antique ceramics such as bowls and vases. 

Conventional dolphins are introduced into art as symbols of the sea -- the dolphin supporting the statue of the "Venus de Medici" refers to the sea born origin of the goddess. Dolphins, too, are favorite subjects in sculptured fountains, where they accompany Neptune and his train of nereids, mermaids and tritons or draw the car of Amphitrite. Often they support the sea-god in the cartouches of old maps and charts, in which also spouting whales, as well as ships in full sail, are used to give interest to the empty space of the oceans. 

Following is a strange tale from Pliny the Elder: 

Pliny relates a story about dolphins helping fishermen to catch mullet in the lagoons by the shore in the south of France. Mullet are fish that live in the lagoons, but at the highest tides of the year the sea breaks through and forms a channel through which they migrate to the sea. The force of the tide is so great that the fishermen cannot set their nets across the opening for the tide would wash them away. 

So they call "Simo, Simo" and in a short time a great school of dolphins arrives. 

The dolphins take up position in ranks outside the mouth of the channel, and the fishermen set their nets supported on poles in the shallows, whereupon the dolphins drive the fish into their nets. The dolphins fight a battle with the mullet and kill a great many of them, but do not eat them until the drive is over. 

The Norwegian "Speculum Regale" tells us that killer whales have "teeth like dogs," and that they are as aggressive to other whales as dogs are to other animals. They therefore flock together and attack big whales, and whenever they find a big whale alone they bite and exhaust it until it dies, although it may kill many of the attackers by heavy blows before it dies. 

The "Regale" gives descriptions of terrible monsters among the whales that destroy ships and men, but also of good whales that are helpful to people -- these ideas were prevalent in Scandinavian and Icelandic folklore for many centuries. 

In sagas of the Icelanders there are many stories of drift whales, and of the quarrels about them. Drift whales were sometimes harpooned by whalers who had then lost them, and people disagreed about whether the whale belonged to the harpooner or the owner of the land where it drifted ashore. 

Friends, tonight, I am asking you to do something no matter how small, and give of yourself in an effort to help a creature of the deep sea with whom have been needing as much of our love and help for a long time now. It's a time when so many play in the ocean, when they run in the waves, that it's almost that much more suited that we truly take a step back to see just what those homes so many are riding and sailing upon are about. This isn't seasonal however, they need us, they need you all the seasons of the year, all around the world. Wherever you are right now, there is one of those babies outside your window in the closest ocean swimming around alone in the depths. Most don't realize it, but they are there, they've always been there. Most people don't stop and think about these sorts of things because they are busy in their lives rushing here and there, buying things, making money, getting fancied up to impress another or keep up with this modern day world. Most people don't care. But, I know there are some who do, and that's our only hope. There have been many already, but it's not enough. If everyone just did something small, anything they can, whatever you can do, it is that many more people giving these gentle giants a chance. They ask for so little. They need us. They need you. Through 'Save The Whales' adoption program which I have been a close friend and supporter of for years now, you will learn about orcas (killer whales) in the wild and in captivity. You will find out the facts about animals in captivity and the efforts to return them to the wild. It's so important. You can help these beautiful and intelligent mammals by Adopting A Whale just as I did many years ago and help them find their families and have a chance at a life, a change to be free. Please think seriously about this and do something, anything. They're all we've got left, and they are fading fast. It's still happening. They need you. Don't wait, do it today. They are trapping them in nets, millions of little squares everywhere. Zig zag, zig zag. String crossing over string, crossing over string. They are banging on the tanks hard. The windows. Someone needs to make them stop. They are scared. A prison. You can observe, you can watch, but once you do that, take a step back and do more. You'll see it. Help them, they are innocence. Just look into their eyes. If you look long enough and can hold it there, you'll find what I'm talking about. They are tolerance, they are peace, they are love.

Thank you. Goodnight.

Save The Whales 



Jamie Leigh Posted Within The Woods Of New Jersey ; LETTERS FROM YOU / EDITORIALS ; Join The JL Mailing List For Exclusives ; AOL IM at handle: xAnAmericanGrrlx ; The Official Jamie Leigh Fanclub ; [ CAFE SHOP AND STORE. Please support and help spread the word and messages behind them. ] ; Wishlist 




Love,
Jamie Leigh
http://www.jamieleigh.net


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## KillerAbz (Jul 26, 2004)

7.23.04 - 7.25.04

Have I mentioned how much I adore and love you all so much? How worthy you are? Have I said how much I am so grateful, humbled, and honored and thankful that I am able to connect with so many around the world? How incredible it is that I have been able to connect and affect those in countries all around the globe? And all with the same message, a message that so many have forgotten, and so many are said to have given up on? Peace, unconditional love and kindness, expression, connection between races, creeds, religions... Do you even know how much you all mean to me, even the strangers, even those who inflict the pain? Each and every one of you I hold dear. Do you have any idea what you are worth? What you stand for? What your love and support mean to me each night before I go to bed? Do you have any idea... Can you even begin to fathom for one moment how much I think of each and every single one of you and how much your patience, your steadfast patience and belief in me, of what I once was despite what is now means to me? Your unwavering support during this darkened period which yes, the entire world is witnessing... How each and every single letter I get, no matter a mile in length or a lyric of a record with personal meaning... I keep it all, I read it all, I study it all, several times throughout my day. This is the truth. Nothing goes untouched by my own eyes and hands ever. My eyes read all of the words. I feel everything in my soul more than you might ever be able to imagine. I read them outside under the sun, inside in the water, anywhere I can. Nothing stops me. I know there is a lot that I am not aware of. I know there are stories people write, things people say, that I have no knowledge of whatsoever, but I suppose the old Indian proverb in which they say that one is ultimately tested in terms of their own esteem by only believing a truth from the lips of that which speaks it, stands utterly true in my case. I just can't fight so many stories, I am just one person afterall. And yes, quite often when there is silence from me which is often especially as of late, people assume and use the silence as a space to assume, judge, and then form their own conclusions. It is human nature afterall to fill in those voids of mystery with their own truths remember... There is only so much I can offer from my heart. That is truth. But again, human nature is human nature. It is judgemental, it is cruel, it is angry and filled with rage. I am by no means a saint, nor a prophet, nor look to myself as some sort of deity... I am plenty guilty of that which most are. If there are names, titles, labels, they are those with which have been put on me by others, through others own lips and words, not on my own personal accord. They have essentially spoken on behalf of me, many people have making up things, creating stories out of pure fiction and what they have picked and kept throughout the years in order to create their own conclusions and circumstances. Voices from people with whom I have never met in my entire life. But in the grander perspective ladies and gentleman, I am outnumbered, it's as simple as that. And that's ok. But I trust within your own hearts and minds, you know the truth, and with that knowledge, I will continue to do all I can to help people escape and find their own catharsis through me. Good or bad, it's up to you. But those names are only names, they are only words, they are not a human being, they are not my flesh, they are not my blood. They are a cloak which is worn that comes off at night before I tuck into bed and close off the light and hide underneath all the pillows, many pillows. But there is another side I am not given the chance to show. I've never been given that chance aside from extreme seclusion and elusivety. I've never had that, I dream of it, maybe someday soon. When I have a small chance, then I feel ok and safe to come out and play and be silly. I love to play. I've still never grown up. I never will. But again, most people don't even know this about me. The other side. The side that loves to shoot a water hose and see how high it can go on the trees. But that sort of innocence and sort of walking wounded type life as many feel of me, is not an easy one to withold. You are so easily hurt, so easily. You are almost extraordinarily sensitive, to everything. You are fragile like an egg. The smallest breath you notice when others continue to rush past. That's all it takes. But vulnerability and unconditional love both giving and searching for work in a truly difficult way. It's a lot of sadness and a lot of tears, I'll be honest with you. It's a force that seperates instantly and not by choice, but by nature. It's a magnetic pull. You are extreme in everything. Thus what an artist is, an extremist. They crave the perfection of a moment, of an emotion, a feeling, a pain. The love, the passions, the critical pain, the hurt... the levels are beyond even at times within the grasp of human understanding which is why maybe I hide, why I am a recluse as this happens. You just loose your voice. You try so hard to get something out, but you can't force it. It's comes, or it doesn't. That's just who I am. Take me, or leave me, and many have already long gone and left. There is a candle I still hold, there is still time to play, but it's muted amazingly. You have to sacrifice a great deal, but perhaps that is why you then are able to truly see and appreciate and not take for granted what so many have forgotten and look far past today in this world. The simplest of things. But I do hope, and I do believe in my heart truly... that I am here doing whatever I am doing now for a specific reason. But, I have yet to find it. I haven't yet. 

I know I am not like many of you. I know for many I seem not human, a character, something not quite of this planet, and sometimes that is good, while others not so good since people assume you don't experience human emotion and are somehow invincible to it such as deep heartbreak, desperation... that is when it's a truly difficult position to be in. It's almost as if when you bleed and show the stains and drenched clothing you are still not believed to be in actual pain. But you can use a character for so much good and so much inspiration if you understand the responsibility you have, and make certain you do it out of humility and honesty... which of course, is and has always been the case with me. This is not to gain sympathy, but to raise an awareness of a certain message, and of a certain sacrifice that most personalities like myself are so often faced with. But, it's a double edged sword. I know how people stare and how they manipulate and analyze. They view your life as a vicarious vision with which they can then calculate their own lives. They look to you once again, as that everlasting monkey in the cage. If you are down they feel up, if you are up, they can not wait for you to slip. I know it's nothing that puts a soul at ease in terms of normality. I know I am not able to understand certain things within the practical world that so many have grown up with as second nature. I know my character is not what most of this world deems as it's accepted and common. What I say, what I do, how I look. I know it is weird, and strange, but you have to understand me. If you did, than those things which are not of the norm I am thrust into without a single moment to breathe, and from that many viewing it from the outside see it as peculiar and reclusive... and they are right. I'm very shy, I am. In private, them I'm ok, I can play and be silly and make fun snorts and faces and throw paper airplanes... play cops and robbers... make finger puppets on the walls at night with flashlights... childlike things... things of fun and simplicity... things that no one else knows of... but out of that, it's difficult for me. I am like a fish out of water. It's so hard, which is why I am so private. It's why I have attained friendships with similar personalities, similar characters, because I find an affinity with them and can be comfortable to let loose and play because there is a basis and ground level of understanding. You don't even need to speak, they know you and so you're ok and not afraid anymore, they won't judge you. They are so few, but those who know them, understand the bond. The core is connection instantly, and everything else refuses to matter. It's hard to find someone else like that. Friendship, love, what have you... but if you are lucky, once in a lifetime you meet one other spirit that joins with yours perfectly, and then... magic. Without it, there is an empty soul walking the earth, but it still walks... of course, never the same however. When together, we play hide and seek, we stay out and catch fireflys, but I have been lacking those moments recently which I miss so much, I really do, but I try so hard to make even one day happen like that. If not, yes, I look to other ways of escapism, many of which are not the best or most respected. But it's just me, just me out here, so I only know so much from what I've learned in books, seen through animals... you aren't given a rule book from birth, so you are left to create a history, a family through characters, stories, personalities that you equate and find comfort in... anyone whose heart dances as yours. Then, you are never alone. 

When I try to walk down a single street corner and observe peoples characters in the city, what they do, talk about, where they go, what they look like, something happens and I have my toes cut and torn and left bleeding having to be carried away, literally. It happened not only a few days ago. I have a simple corner here now. It isn't much. It's humble and small and covered with your words, with your images, with your love. I hang them up so I can look at them constantly, and I draw inspiration, sadness, anything you can imagine from them. And yes, aside from one, they are all in black and white. They are all in gold frames, my favorite. They are gold because what they withold mean more to me than anything else in this world. They are the people within the images, not the paper behind the glass. It is what is keeping me hanging on right now. I see them every day, several times, and get lost in thought at the concept of what could be. 

Very much like the Blue Whale... the largest living animal species on the face of the earth. An animal with whom lives the majority of his life deep within the ocean waters swimming totally alone. Unassuming. Humble despite his enormous size. Unaware of that which inhabits the shores above and the war, the violence, the hatred and judgement that is taking place. He is still there. He has declined and has lost so many whom he considered a family, but ladies and gentleman, he is still there, he is still under that water... under that ocean at this very moment. He misses his friend, he misses his best friend, he misses his little sister or brother or the turtle he met one day whom was caught and killed for his shell from someone at the surface. And, he is again right now, most likely alone. But the Blue Whale is so kind, so gentle... all he wants to do is float and swim and maybe, just maybe one day meet with his friends with whom were so unfairly taken from him once again very soon. He floats in waiting for their return... he will never give up believing. It's all he's got left. 

Do you have any vision of your importance and significance to me and to my passions? What your own self is worth within this entire project? Have you any idea how important you are? I am so incredibly honored, and will forever be. This is hard now, I know. This is difficult for many of you to see from me and I understand it. This is what the world so often hides behind a dark veil. Yes, I have a broken heart, yes there is a cavity in my chest, an emptiness in which something once occupied and called home, yes I have been devastantingly torn apart and continue to hurt even now as I write this. It is so hard to hold on... so hard. Friends I won't lie to you on this. But you must know, this... this is what most people don't want to show to the world. They hide this, in some form. But I'm not, and I am documenting it, there is no secret in this at all, and perhaps that's the only explanation I can grant for everything. Even then, I wish so much I could sit with each and everyone of you and look in your eyes and tell you this story and what is taking place. I wish so much I could do that. You have all watched me change, watched me grow up and go through many things that have been times of personal history that were history in their own rights. So in that sense, I understand your disappointment in me, in seeing me fall, in seeing me fade, be knocked down, be hurting. It isn't easy to watch one with a broken heart continue to document their loves and passions... their dreams... you are essentially your own paradox. I can't even begin to grasp how so many of you must view me as today who have followed me from the very beginning. I'm so sorry this is what you are witnessing now and seeing of me... But this is the pain... this is real, and this is my gift to you. You must always remember with me, I never look, I feel. I sense. I thrive on trust in my own instinct and understanding of truth and that which is where the heart lies. Things happen and you can't control it so you follow it never even conceptualizing where it might lead, or if it will remain open... things do, and those are that which sting the most. 

So please, if anything I do or anything that I wish for you to carry with you from now until forever is, it is this. Learn from me. Use me as that tool to harness your own craft, become your own leader, your own fire. Use the bad aspects of me, my flaws, my tremendous flaws and creation of a world with which I refuse to live in and design then your own. Find a way, do anything you can no matter how small. You create your own world. I have. Learn from what I witness, what I experience, how I hurt, and don't allow yourself to let any of what presents you with direct flounder or conflict to sway you. Use me at that single solitary image for the voiceless. Use me as the battered image to avoid the abuse. Make me the car crash you watch and then drive on realizing how critical it is to live your life to the fullest and not wait or be afraid of what you truly feel, confront it. If anything, use it to not make the same mistakes, or not feel the same pains in the heart. Use me as that invisible guide so you never ever feel alone no matter what. Use my isolation and my selfless vulnerablilites and naive nature to never feel you are by yourself. That's it. Retain your humility, please. Retain it and hold onto it like a precious pearl from the deepest oyster laying silently at the bottom of a vacant sea. I will choose to blow bubbles over going to a fancy club or party anyday. You just won't find me there. You know in your hearts where to find me. It doesn't take much for me, and that which is childlike and innocent, humble and sweet, kind and cherished is worth living for to me more than any amounts of wealth or gold you could acquire in a lifetime. I mean it. It's the most precious gift and the most comforting blanket in times of great pain. Remain humble, remain appreciative and understanding. Remain open and pray for peace, dream of peace. And one more thing. It's alright to wait. It's alright to live with pain in your heart. It's ok. It's alright to be alone and without a voice that once trumpeted louder than recognition. It's ok to remain quiet in the storm. It's alright to cry and hide away. It's ok to wait and hope and pray that one day your light will find you. It's ok to feel all of this. It's alright to be afraid, it is. They won't tell you this nor help you through a crowded street or be there when you've given up. But it's ok to be scared because you need this to find what you will one day look back upon and remember the most. This is important, and I understand this. Friends, I'm not going anywhere. 

This is my promise to you. 

There is a candle that burns for eternity. No one ever imagined a candle that refused to burn out because it defined the human condition of all good things must eventually come to an end. This I do not believe. This is human natures way of accepting that which isn't divine. This is human natures way of accepting defeat by that which can be seen. What they fail to realize is you can drawn strength and hope from that which is invisible, that which isn't found in any fancy medical book or justice system code. For those who do believe in the divine, this path is going to be painful and difficult, and it might get much worse, in fact, I can promise you that it will. I know this. This very well will get much more difficult to bear witness to, to watch, to observe, so if you flee or if you decide to move on I will understand. For those who don't. Don't make a sound, don't even let me know you are out there, I feel you. I know preciously where each and everyone of you are right now. You may think I don't, but trust me, I do. I see you - all. You don't know ones character and heart and then loose sight or who they are no matter how much time passes or what obstacles one find themselves faced with. You reach a persons vulnerability, you have a space in your heart within them for eternity. 

You might not see me, in fact I can even guarantee that many of you won't. I hide, and I do it very well. Sometime though, I come out, if things are truly magic, I stay out for a real long time. My goal is to never have to hide ever again... there is only one who can make that dream turn into a reality... we all have one who can do that. I may not be in physical distance right now, but I promise you, I am there, and from this point on you may still not see me for a little while, or ever... but never think for a single moment I am gone. I'm not going anywhere. Think of me as the cougar up on the mountain looking down on each and every one of you. I'll come out maybe, maybe for a brief moment, but then I'll go away again and you won't see me anymore. There is no other recourse or objective at times like this. I will find it again and it will return stronger than before. I have slipped a great deal, it's incredible. I have let many down, and it's all my fault. I have let those who have come for hope and inspiration and that escape so achingly needed right now in this world a tremendous blow. To say I am sensitive to all of your disappoints in me would be an understatement of grandiose acclaim. I have let myself down. Much of this is about fear. Fear and being afraid of what is right now, and realizing the pain that is in ones heart and how truly suffocating it becomes - because it is. Some die because of it, others don't. And I will tell you this, I am afraid to. I am scared just as much as you, you have no idea. I have allowed a broken heart and so much more snowball into a prison of ice with which yes, I am still trapped deep within. However, I am still in there, it's still there. It's still beating, and it's trying so so hard. It might be different, it may be very different, it may be much more used and much more worn, but I will find it. You may once again, not even recognize me, but once you see my eyes, we talk again in person, I'll be the same person I've always been... the heart always retains it's truth. I know I have forgotten so much and have lost what once was. I will find it again. I will find it from somewhere, somehow, at any moment. I can't say when it will happen, but it will. It will, because it has to come, that's how I know. Things will become blacker, even lost without an ounce of a sparkle in the distance. This is a certainty. It will hit like a shockwave from somewhere far away, and it will be loud. But, if there is any element of dawn that lays ahead for me amidst this darkness, then that's worth fighting until you find it, even if it only appears one morning within the pit of your heart. This is what creates the masterpiece. This is all for you. This has always been for you. This is the only beginning. This is my unconditional. Maybe this is what the revelation is, maybe this is what it's all about. Maybe I'm not even needed at all for this all to happen. Maybe I am just one of the many channels with which a certain spirit or message is trying to be heard. Maybe I am just one of the chosen funnels that has recognized the responsibility and importance, and have used that in any way I could to put myself out there. It's just as John Merrick was, the Elephant Man. A spirit and soul placed on earth for a limited amount of time to give a gift of acceptance, of love, of compassion, of a realization of beauty to a world filled with so much that runs from what is different, and then fights back against it through harm and hurting eachother. Much like ET. 

Maybe I'm not in control of all of this afterall. Maybe I'm just meant to give all I can until the sand in my tower runs out, and then it's time to take my final bow and say goodbye. Or maybe it's not even that at all. Maybe this is the answer. Maybe this will always remain my secret, a secret that is an unconscious gift to all of you. There is no such thing as a self-fulfilling prophecy when your self is of the world... when you represent a message or passion that is universal and not seperated into personal plights or selfish interests, you are controlled by something that simply can not be even healed by yourself. You are trying to make some sort of a mark on the imagination, no matter how small. Perhaps that is my only purpose and in due time I will find it's sources to be sent out more clearly than I do now. But as I always time, time is only an illusion, if it comes it comes, if not, not. Fate in the end has complete control. I really believe that. This is my unconditional. You are in the end merely the channel, the storyteller. This is me telling you a story. 

Love,

JL 



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## KillerAbz (Jul 29, 2004)

DEAR DIARY,

7.28.04

11:43 pm

Quite some time ago, maybe not even that long, Mone asked me over the telephone to tell her my dreams. If I could have anything, what would my biggest dreams be. I said that I would make a list. I would write out each wish of mine, each dream and then come back. I never did. What I never said though, was that the moment I got off the phone I got a few pieces of scrap paper, a pen, and started scribbling and writing out my dreams. Today, I found them. The little pieces of paper ripped out from a small notepad with each of my individual dreams on them. Some are incoherant, while others are so simple and childlike it's almost painful for even me to read out loud (which I did) each one as I went down the list. 

This is what my list of personal dreams says. Listed is identical to how they were handwritten. There is a page however that is missing and appears to have been lost...


1.) For my broken heart left by _____ to be healed by _____ or by someone else. to say goodbye to all the pain and all of the sadness. all of it just go, go away forever. just let it go, let it all go. no more hurting ever again in my heart. no more tears or sadness from the tremendous hurt and sorrow. No more pain. No more hurt.

2.) For my chest to be ok for once, not in pain anymore. the right one is still bigger than the left, they must be the same. clean everything up, construct and re-construct to erase remnants. heal weird left leg, be able to walk ok.

3.) Travel the world to heal and bring back compassion to those in need, all around the world, small poverty striken areas and countries, places of wars past and present, jungles, rainforest, every inch of land possible I can manage with help from those with the same vision. must document everything, the best there is.

4.) Sit on a roof and feel the breeze for hours

5.) Extensions for life

6.) No money ever be a worry or cause of concern

7.) To be able to swim in the water for as long as I like or until the stars come out and then keep swimming

8.) Not end up like Lady Diana or Marilyn

9.) To hear birds and have the sun be warm, no people only ones I know to be in private, beautiful sky, a swing

10.) To tell a story and be a character that deeply moves you in a film that goes down in history as one of the greats

11.) To make a world statement in humanity like Princess Diana, but my own

12.) To not have to stand up for myself alone anymore

13.) To live and call home somewhere surrounded by tropical plants, flowers taller than the roofs, near the ocean, I want to be barefoot always

14.) To not be scared anymore or have to hide, but continue to enjoy life as a recluse, intimate, private, escaping with only the special family by my side to enjoy films, walks in the streets, pranks, hide and go seek at night, not much in the mainstream public, but within own private circle, games, stories, love

15.) To be able to read a book outside by the water alone in total silence for as long as I need

16.) For him, for them, the world, to finally truly see, then help me and form a team. For them to find it within themselves and remove their blindfolds, not as a favor to me, not because I said so, but because they find it within themselves and because it's the right thing to do

17.) Candy for life. To build and construct my own candy factory, the biggest the world has ever seen, bigger, grander, and more mesmorizing than wonka. an escape like no other, not just candy, rides, dolphins and killer whales swimming free not captivity captured, all of their family with them, water area literally extended into the ocean itself, no closings all wide open 

18.) To have animals as my family and do all I can in my power for them

19.) To be able to wish and dream again and sleep at night comfy cozy and feel ok and safe. To feel I am finally home. 

20.) Remain humble 

21.) Have a home in London and start humanitarian foundation for helping the world in every single corner, nothing ignored or overlooked

22.) Try for world peace, if not know I tried all I could in my being, gave all I could give, try to find personal peace if possible and destiny, true love 

23.) Continue to be a strong voice for the voiceless and inspiration even with great vulnerabilities, naive nature, personal pain, never let them down

24.) To be able to play again and be silly

25.) To be the best all around artist that I can be. Work to the best of my artistic ability and continue to push and inspire

26.) To own an estate, look like a castle on the outside, inside decorated with warm colors, white sparkling and twinkling lights covering the trees and insides of the house to remain on and lit at all hours of the day 

27.) Continue tireless work on intimate private sculpture

28.) Be kind and genuine and continue to love unconditionally, and maybe, just maybe one day find the same love in return from someone special 

29.) The one that refuses to die. No matter how much they make fun of me, no matter how much they tease me or find it odd or weird or strange, to have a wax likeness created by the greatest in the business and have it appear within the walls of the infamous Madam Tusseuds museums around the world. My guilty marvel of amazement, perfection, fantasy, and escapism. That would be an ultimate dream to see come true. All puppies and deer and animals allowed in to see the exhibit, ramps for children in wheelchairs, fully accessible to all to come and enjoy and bring their special someone. 

30.) Fly

31.) Work with Disney

32.) Be re-born

33.) Erect a fountain that never stops falling continuously, into the nightime have it come alive with lights and be able to sit and enjoy it and fall asleep gathered around it listening to the falls as they put you to sleep. Have the fountain engraved with my favorite inspirational spirits, visionaries, creatures, friends, and those with whom I hope to one day follow in the footsteps of. Great humanitarians, leaders, innovators, artists, lovers, animals, those who are no longer here on earth but away in a land high above in the stars looking down.

34.) Maintain through celebration or requiem of the current journey, the tears at night, the pain, the hurt, the broken heart, the lonliness, the telling of this story. 



Jamie Leigh Posted Within The Woods Of New Jersey ; LETTERS FROM YOU / EDITORIALS ; Join The JL Mailing List For Exclusives ; AOL IM at handle: xAnAmericanGrrlx ; The Official Jamie Leigh Fanclub ; [ CAFE SHOP AND STORE. Please support and help spread the word and messages behind them. ] ; Wishlist 



7.28.04

Cruelty has a human heart
And jealousy a human face, 
Terror the human form divine, 
And secrecy the human dress. 

The human dress is forged iron, 
The human form a fiery forge, 
The human face a furnace seal'd, 
The human heart its hungry gorge. 

Never seek to tell thy love 
Love that never told can be; 
For the gentle wind does move 
Silently, invisibly. 

I told my love, I told my love, 
I told him all my heart, 
Trembling, cold, in ghastly fears-- 
Ah, he doth depart. 

Soon as he was gone from me 
A traveller came by 
Silently, invisibly-- 
O, was no deny. 

O Rose, thou art sick! 
The invisible worm 
That flies in the night, 
In the howling storm 

Has found out thy bed 
Of crimson joy: 
And her dark secret love 
Does thy life destroy. 



Jamie Leigh Posted Within The Woods Of New Jersey ; LETTERS FROM YOU / EDITORIALS ; Join The JL Mailing List For Exclusives ; AOL IM at handle: xAnAmericanGrrlx ; The Official Jamie Leigh Fanclub ; [ CAFE SHOP AND STORE. Please support and help spread the word and messages behind them. ] ; Wishlist


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## DOMS (Jul 30, 2004)

Wow.

I understand the serious, and personal, nature of the photos that you posted, but on an esthetic level, they are absolutely gorgeous.  Rarely do I find images "moving", but yours most certainly are.

To say nothing of your writings.

I wish you the best!


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## KillerAbz (Aug 2, 2004)

DEAR DIARY,

7.31.04

9:30 pm

When your own personal history is in and of itself history that has been documented and detailed and recorded within the history books, you have an element and capsule of images, memory, touch, feeling, and deep senses, that to the ordinary person hearing of it would conclude it to be nothing short of fantasy, fiction, something not of this planet. A tall tale if you will... something so abnormal, even in it's own truth and proof of merit and credibility, would be laughed at, turned off from... When you hold a specific period of time in your heart that returns each year as it's marked within the lives of millions of people spanning the globe, to say your continually left with a hard punch to your soul would be an immense understatement. You are. But once those historic days, weeks, even at times months are remembered and then others move on, you are trapped within your own history as it's that history which has been thumbprinted all over your current reality like millions of dots of splattered paint. No matter where you go, what you do, who you come into contact with, your focus and your history is the only thing evident. It's because that history was nothing like anything else you'd witnessed, thought would find you amidst such nothingness, such pain, such childlike innocence that we never loose... It's like nothing you've ever lived through, thought would welcome you in, breathed ever before. It changed your life. It formed you. It told you who you were. It gave you a friend. It told you that you were beautiful and that you are not alone. It finally allowed you to be born... no matter what pain in your past, what suffering, what hard times... you had found your home. You were given an identity and from the most unlikely of places. And you were in love. It sits on your shoulder at all times. It sits, and it begins to eat away at you. There is a magic within attaining the unattainable... I can be so blunt as to say... you hold something inside that very few, if any, ever get to experience in a lifetime. The sadness, and the pain however, is what quickly replaces the missing elements which came together in making that history. Without the characters, the symbolic piece... be it a crown, a rose, a dark rock... the history is although very much alive, dying and quickly reversing into tragedy. Much like most moments in history... there is nothing that is without death, without tragedy, without suffering and longing and needing. Without those missing puzzle pieces, there is nothing to withstand the pressures and fluid that time forces upon human nature to move on, to do this, to buy that, to make this happen so you are temporarily high... those fade, and in due time, the missing element of that history returns to find their own creation in utter shambles. Broken pieces of stone scattered for miles on open earth. Dust. It was to late. If only they had come sooner, if only they had retained even a small piece of that beautiful history... if they had only held on to their own piece of the puzzle, even in silence. A tragedy is as ironic as it may seem, at times, is something many are said to live for. They live for that tragedy because they are aware of the magic, the passion, the connection that so few ever find. It's what the gods are named after... what they told us about in their great speeches... What so many fail to realize, is that they weren't just speaking of fairytale or dreams beyond their wildest imaginations... they were speaking of a destined truth for a very small group of people. But it is not given without price, much like everything in this lifetime... The price if lost, is nothing short of heartbreak. Of a death in your being. A lifetime of living within a history that maybe only remained for a short amount of time... but one that again, offered an identity to you that you had never dreamed possible. Maybe I can be included as one of those people. Not by choice, but by a heart that leads and tells it never to forget it's history... especially a history that will continue to live on for all eternity. That, is their unconditional. They present no tricks, no twists, no compensations... This is the heart and it's truth. This is where the smoke and mirrors melt and are no longer around. That is the blessing and curse of unconditional love, and yet it's extreme trajedy of a world surrounding that which was already collapsed being held up by those brand new sticks, suddenly once again, dropping away and out of sight. That is the quicksand sucking you under... taking you deep inside it with all of it's might until you can't breathe a single breath anymore. That, is their fire that continues to burn despite the thunderstorm and the wind. That, is their missing piece. 



Jamie Leigh Posted Within The Woods Of New Jersey ; LETTERS FROM YOU / EDITORIALS ; Join The JL Mailing List For Exclusives ; AOL IM at handle: xAnAmericanGrrlx ; The Official Jamie Leigh Fanclub ; [ CAFE SHOP AND STORE. Please support and help spread the word and messages behind them. ] ; Wishlist


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## KillerAbz (Aug 2, 2004)

DEAR DIARY,

8.02.04

Today was rather unprecedented. Nick and I escaped the confindes of white walls to sail and relax out on a small peaceful lake out in Sayreville, New Jersey. The lake was beautiful, and of course, very private. It was the home of one of Nick's family members and they had allowed us to take out their boat and sail around in their private lake which was literally their own backyard and the backyard of several other residents. There was no one in sight aside from one man on the far side of the lake with a long lens camera on one end which I found to be rather suspicious, but by this time, not surprising. He even managed to follow our boat around the perimiter which I thought required a lot of talent. The rocks were real large and very slippery the closer you got, he must of had flippers over his shoes. The entire scene was beautiful. There were small waterfalls all around that reminded me of the islands, where until this day I dream of owning an estate. It would truly be magic, and an escape and refuge like no other. It would be home. Finally, home. But for today, I saw small pieces of magic, and for that I was mesmorized and deeply humbled and thankful for. For me, those chances are few, especially recently considering the circumstances. Once down by the show we spotted the boat. A white boat with a large blue cover over it. We both waited to make sure the boat was steady, emptied out some water with buckets, and then I climbed in first followed by Nick. From there, we paddled out to the middle of the lake and just stopped. Several airplanes, real big ones flew overhead and I commented on how they seemed to be flying strangely low to the ground considering there size. This sadly for me always brings back flashes of images from the days after September 11th and the planes that flew literally 100 feet above our heads and then turned around in mid-air as we watched from the ground below, as well as seeing the wreckage of the flight that hit right in front of my face only a few days after. The smoke lasted for weeks. All of the smoke lasted for months, and will forever be burning. Seeing planes that close is normally real strange for anyone, but for me, not easy moments. Aside from the mobile phone beeps and ringing on Nick's phone, the entire time was restful, peaceful, and perfect. I had brought out my book as did Nick, but it was nearly impossible to read. From across the lake we could see the old mansion which we plan on visiting and agreed it would be much more beautiful if we came back late at night and then sat out on the water then. We will try to do that on Friday very late. Maybe I'll see the stars. A question came up as to if the lake was lit at night so those on the water could see. Our answer we later found out, was no. Despite the lack of light, we figured that with the hope of the lights from the backs of the estates, as well as a flashlight that we brought out with us on the boat, we would have enough light to go out there just fine. While on the water, I stretched all out over the boat and layed down as best I could despite the boat being quite small. As always, I was barefoot the entire time. Once we got to shore again Nick fell while trying to get out of the boat, which of course, I couldn't help but start laughing at. It was real funny. Very funny actually. In fact, I had to try not to laugh real hard because one small movement and I would go overboard myself. I wasn't quite sure how he slipped and fell but all I can remember is that despite himself moments from landing in the water, all he could think about was protecting his cigarettes (our cigarettes) and our books. Those were more precious than his own life. It was a real funny thing to see. Luckily, he is just fine. I got out of the boat just fine thank god, but I feared I would slip since I slipped when getting in the boat in the beginning. My skin is real smooth and overly sensitive so sometime I have difficulty with other smooth surfaces since there is essentially nothing to grasp. I cut real easily. My skin can be compared to that of tissue paper. It's a skin condition I have which just makes my skin surface overly sensitive and instantly reactive to intense levels which most might not take notice of. I was ok though. I had to concentrate and truly focus. Getting into a boat is much more difficult than people think. It's truly a skill. From there we went back for a swim in his pool and I was completely refreshed. It felt great. Just floating, swimming, diving, playing, talking, trying to freeze current reality for as long as I could and enjoy the water. It was the first time I had been able to do that in a long time. The first time I really felt free. I just stayed in and kept swan diving for as long as I could. It ended to fast. Afterwards we watched "Back To The Future 2" one of my all time favorite films on his huge movie screen which honestly felt like you were in your own private cinema, it was wonderful. I nearly fell asleep on the couch, and then it was time to say goodbye. All in all, a wonderful getaway for me, no matter how short or small. For a few hours I could be silly Jamie Leigh playing and smiling and laughing like I used to. I was able to breathe and see what freedom actually felt like if even for a few short hours of escapism, it's very rare for me. I then drove in the car and returned. I was very grateful for that chance today. Goodnight friends. 




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## KillerAbz (Aug 4, 2004)

8.03.04

In April 1508, Michelangelo was summoned back to Rome by Julius II, but he was still not able to start on the papal tomb. In fact Julius II had a new job for him: painting twelve figures of apostles and some decorations on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Buonarroti, who had always regarded himself as a sculptor, would now have to perfect the art of fresco. It seems that the pope had been advised to make this move by Bramante and other artists working at his court, who did not take kindly to Michelangelo's presence: "And this thing they did with malice, to distract the pope from matters of sculpture; and since they were sure that he, either by not accepting this undertaking, would turn the pope against him, or by accepting it would do much less creditable work than Raphael of Urbino, to whom, out of hatred for Michelangelo, they gave every support." 

At first, Buonarroti tried to turn down the commission, but in vain. And then, during the realization of the work, that mysterious liking that the artist and the pope had, at bottom, for one another yielded its fruit. Julius II let himself be swayed by Michelangelo's creative frenzy, and both were carried away by their enthusiasm over more and more ambitious plans. So, Michelangelo was given carte blanche: by October 31st, 1512, he had painted over 300 figures on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.

In May 1508, Michelangelo began to make the preparatory designs for the Sistine ceiling. It was not until the fall that he started the actual painting, calling on the assistance of Giuliano Bugiardini, Aristotele da Sangallo, and his old friend Francesco Granacci, along with a number of laborers.

However the work did not proceed as the master wished, and he soon fired all of his assistants, removed what had already been painted and, between the end of 1508 and January 1509, recommenced the whole demanding enterprise on his own. Condivi recalls that "as a result of having painted for so long a time, keeping his eyes fixed on the ceiling, he saw little when he looked down; if he had to read a letter or some other small thing, he was obliged to hold it above his head."

Extremely jealous of his work, he refused to show it to anyone but the pope, though the latter was always insisting that he finish it quickly, and often climbed the scaffolding to see how the fresco was proceeding. The pressure on the artist was such that he uncovered it in August 1511, even before it was finished. The sight of these highly original paintings made a great impression on the artists of the time. Raphael, who was painting the nearby Stanze, was so influenced by them that his own style altered as a result, becoming more plastic and sculptural as the decoration proceeded.

The project was physically and emotionally torturous for Michelangelo. *Michelangelo recounts its effect on him with these words: "After four tortured years, more than 400 over life-sized figures, I felt as old and as weary as Jeremiah. I was only 37, yet friends did not recognize the old man I had become."

Working high above the chapel floor, on scaffolding, Michelangelo painted, between 1508 and 1512, some of the finest pictorial images of all time. On the vault of the papal chapel, he devised an intricate system of decoration that included nine scenes from the Book of Genesis, beginning with God Separating Light from Darkness and including the Creation of Adam and Eve, the Temptation and Fall of Adam and Eve, and the Flood. These centrally located narratives are surrounded by alternating images of prophets and sibyls (Libyan, Erythraean) on marble thrones, by other Old Testament subjects, and by the ancestors of Christ. In order to prepare for this enormous work, Michelangelo drew numerous figure studies and cartoons, devising scores of figure types and poses. These awesome, mighty images, demonstrating Michelangelo's masterly understanding of human anatomy and movement, changed the course of painting in the West. 

* 




*

This comes from dangling from the ceiling???
I'm goitered like a Lombard cat
(or wherever else their throats grow fat)???
it's my belly that's beyond concealing,
it hands beneath my chin like peeling.
My beard points skyward, I seem a bat
upon its back, I've breasts and splat!
On my face the paint's congealing.

Loins concertina'd in my gut,
I drop an arse as counterweight
and move without the help of eyes.

Like a skinned martyr I abut
on air, and, wrinkled, show my fat.
Bow-like, I strain toward the skies.

No wonder then I size
things crookedly; I'm on all fours.
Bent blowpipes send their darts off-course.

Defend my labor's cause,
good Giovanni, from all strictures:
I live in hell and paint its pictures.

Michelangelo Buonarroti

*



Jamie Leigh Posted Within The Woods Of New Jersey ; LETTERS FROM YOU / EDITORIALS ; Join The JL Mailing List For Exclusives ; AOL IM at handle: xAnAmericanGrrlx ; The Official Jamie Leigh Fanclub ; [ CAFE SHOP AND STORE. Please support and help spread the word and messages behind them. ] ; Wishlist


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## KillerAbz (Aug 5, 2004)

8.04.04

At the moment, I have Aladdin the film playing in the backround as well as the book straight from Disney waiting for me to read as my own bedtime story before I go to bed tonight. I know all the songs in the movie by heart so I will probably sing them all out loud. I know each and every word. This story is one of my most favorites. Robin Williams as genie is genuis. It's a mythical tale of all tales. I haven't seen this film in so long, and it's one of my favorites, for obvious reasons. It is the one I can relate to the most. It's a story whose characters are exotic, mysterious, and on a search, for acceptance and love. I was sitting outside getting a few small hours of sun to continue the bronze color when a thought entered my mind that I instantly wrote straight away into my small journal. The writing as is always the case with me, is nothing more than scribble. A mix of very childlike writing mixed with upper case letters, a penmanship I still to this day have no idea how I aquired. But few recognize it as mine, and for those I suppose it's a bit of a code. This is what came to me while sitting under the sun. When do your pains and fears or heartbreak pass away? When is their moment of certain death? In the marathon of heartache as well as personal struggles and years of emotional dark caverns without holes of light above, is there always a certain winner, or does the answer sometimes come once your body has already left it's life given here on earth? Once true love is finally found do the pains disappear into thin air never to return again, or do certain ones, notably of heartache, remain with you for as long as you live? If you live to follow your heart and your heart refuses to heal once that which broke it finds itself a bandaide and comes for you, can your still open heart ever truly find a place to call sanctuary, if even only for a little while? Once the great kings and queens have died, they are then said to finally claim their given adulation and recognition for the generous and heartfelt deeds they produced while alive. Why is it though that some spirits never find their certain glory until tragedy has struck? Does it take the death of a life to appreciate truly what life really is about, or is possible to see through those veils despite the pressures of the modern world to discover those jewels while they still have breath? Is the afterlife the born destination for some? Born to work and produce, bleed and gut until the body wears out, and then once in death, finally have it's chance to spread it's wings? Is life after death for some, no matter how many lives are welcomed after, the fate and true gift of those not meant for what harbors currently in a world such as this? Is the beauty of ones tragic life sometimes only ever found in the magnificant light it shines down upon those who will follow in it's path due to their public pains and work after they have long gone and learned not to cross similar paths? Is the fate of an open heart that has been so badly broken and bruised merely an open sky filled with countless stairways that lead to more stairs leading you through obscurity until it has found it's proper door for healing? There is nothing more dangerous than an open heart, but for some of us, the curse and blessing of that opening whether we agree or not, has already crowned itself our given leader and will not budge an inch in it's chosen course no matter what happens to us in the process. 



Jamie Leigh Posted Within The Woods Of New Jersey ; LETTERS FROM YOU / EDITORIALS ; Join The JL Mailing List For Exclusives ; AOL IM at handle: xAnAmericanGrrlx ; The Official Jamie Leigh Fanclub ; [ CAFE SHOP AND STORE. Please support and help spread the word and messages behind them. ] ; Wishlist


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## KillerAbz (Aug 6, 2004)

*Yesterday, Car Accident*

8.05.04

+

I pay a great deal of attention to people, and I remember them. I look into their eyes and never look away because that's how I can get straight to who they are. I don't like to talk much. The eyes tell the story, sometimes even better than those whose eyes they are can tell it themselves. I get shy often, but if I sense something, I know within minutes what I am looking at. Sometimes, it's my only guide when words are long gone and have travelled far away. I'm not good with conflict, in fact, I'm real bad. I get very nervous and hide away. It's like a child. The child takes over in certain situations, and you need that practical strong hand to help you get through it. A lot of people refuse to need like that, but I welcome it, I appreciate it and I offer it in return, but in those cases, I think it's truly magic when you can find that other voice to fit those missing pieces of your puzzle. They are meant to help you in that way. The system is something I am finding more and more with each passing day to have a great dislike for, but I think we all do. Some just find out the injustices more harshly than others. Either way, it's the same for all. When I have someone to take care of things that happen bad in the real world I feel a sense of home and family that I've never known, I feel safe, I feel taken care of. So in that sense when I am alone, those problems for me are not an easy thing, especially when they seem to happen over and over again. If I do reach out which is rare, I reach for the wrong people. Sometime I make the same error again and I don't know why, desperation maybe, again that childlike quality of believing in surprises and miracles, but it's not good to do, and I am fighting hard to beat that with each passing day until I find the right true one to go to who I know will be there. That in and of itself I realize is another journey for most people. Not an easy thing to attain. I reach for the ones who have inflicted pain, it's a virtual crossfire, but after I recognize my grave mistake in that and refuse to repeat that again, I learn from it, it's not good at all. I simply withdraw and never bother ever again. Since then I have no one else, I keep it to myself within where I know for a fact it will be safe. That is when it gets difficult because no matter where you turn, there is someone with whom has hurt you, even if you can count them all on one hand. It's not easy for anyone. That is what I am working to the bone for right now, I can't stop, it's my only chance. That destiny, that path that I feel I was meant to be and do but still is so foggy due to lack of guidance from those who can understand, has proved blinding. So yes, I am a workaholic. If I don't do it, nothing will get done, so I push and push and push, and push myself hard. I understand I am naive and the heavy emotion at times which stands as my only tree to hold onto causes this, but it's why I appreciate so much for those who offer so little. I seem to sting badly from the things most find so easy to throw away, discard, lack concern for. I have compassion to the extent of forgetting myself because it's all I've ever known and it's natural for me, none of it is forced or for show. In that case though, you are outnumbered and you get squashed on real easily. The simplest of things can crush your heart in an instant that most have hearts of steel with. Mine is very thin, it can only take so much. I guess you could parallel it to a metaphor of screaming at the top of your lungs and no one even bothering to look up. If they did they would only judge you or misunderstand your intentions, or worse, even bother to ask what is wrong. I see that so much which is why maybe I am always the first to show compassion, because it's what I've never known. It's strange the more you think about it. How can you feel something so strongly you have nothing to draw directly from? I suppose the greats in history who overcame such dramatic struggles and fights can echo this, in that the more injustice and intolerance and ignorance they themselves faced, the more they were forced to see just how oblivious those who never had to face such things could write them off like nothing. Mandela, Malcome, Martin Luther, they were all loners, all outkasts in society in some form. They went from such deep sorrow and discard to becoming the greatest voices for humanitarianism and peace the world has ever known. I know how you can use a photograph to transmit a message, I am keenly aware of this. I've tried to do that, but nothing I've done holds a candle to what others have done before me. In fact, I wouldn't even consider anything I did of particulary strong merit. When I see suffering though, I can't look away - ever. In fact, I am drawn to that. It pulls you in. Aside from with me of course, but I think the reason I do that is because I have yet to see any signal of hope or belief that it will end, so I have given up being drowned within myself, it's just to much at this point, so, I try as much for the world as I can, and then once that's over, it's done. I get embarrassed when people put me on a pedestal. It's not right. It's not what I do any of this for, or what I hope to do which I want to extend far beyond this silly horrid little state in America. It's time for me to break away from here, it needs to happen fast. I think the more people knew they could give something back, the more people would do it, but people just have no idea how to do that, so they don't. If anything is uncommon or out of the ordinary, again, they run. I can't run because it's all I've ever known. It's the other things most of the demographics are conditioned to do that I've never learned or had taught to me, and I am glad. But this is hard. I will run to anyone who calls to me in distress, wherever it is, even strangers, yet when it's my case there is never anyone. It's a hard thing to grasp, but I suppose to feel you are alright as long as your character stays together and then maybe something else will come along one day. But I don't deny it gets terribly lonely and often helpless especially when the real scary things happen and you are at your most vulnerable. The give an take happens with me a lot. Although you do carry a lot of great sadness within your heart, you retain a humility and humbleness that never ever goes away. You are forever changed each time you go through something because it carries emotion full stop at high speed and full force, something that most people hide away from. For me, I simply have no choice, it's always there and will always be that way. Today I got hurt on my head very badly in an impact crash. Even though I was hurt I didn't care. I wanted to make sure everyone else around me was doing alright, that they were ok, that they weren't nervous or uncomfortable. One of the men with the lights shining in my eyes was real old, I was worried because of the heat if he was alright, he was, he said I reminded him of his wife when she was still alive. He lost her in a plane crash many years ago. She was his greatest love of all time, and the only reason he continues to live on today, to honor what she gave him, hope. He wears her photograph in a locket around his neck. She was a nurse. He volunteers with the other emergency men. The need to feel loved, to feel special. It's a need in all of us, to feel special, for no matter how long, or to who, or for what reasons. It's something that we allow to control us our entire lives. I can't say that I am not guilty of that, but then again at night when we all lay down, turn off the lights and go to sleep, aren't we all? Maybe one day I'll get to the point where I will be able to find the truth within myself or one other who has found it already within themselves, and wants to continue helping others to find it together and never allow the sadness to haunt me ever again. In the meantime, the artist continues to get their creative fuel. It's in deciding how and what to load and pour it all into for maximum impact that becomes the continuing question of the LABYRINTH. 



Jamie Leigh Posted Within The Woods Of New Jersey ; LETTERS FROM YOU / EDITORIALS ; Join The JL Mailing List For Exclusives ; AOL IM at handle: xAnAmericanGrrlx ; The Official Jamie Leigh Fanclub ; [ CAFE SHOP AND STORE. Please support and help spread the word and messages behind them. ] ; Wishlist


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## KillerAbz (Aug 9, 2004)

DEAREST DIARY,




FOR THE WEEK DURATION 8.09.04 - 8.15.04















































Jamie Leigh Posted Within The Woods Of New Jersey


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## KillerAbz (Aug 14, 2004)

*-*

TIME, DATE, YEAR, it's irrelevant in this instance...



There is a very big, very heavy weight within my heart right now. It is something that eludes any and all physical pain that I may be experiencing. The funny left leg, the new nerve trouble which as explained to me is now one still yet to be cured within the medical history books, the car crash??? None of it compares or equals in measure to what is happening right now within. 

I love someone so much, yet they are not here, and I fear they still don???t realize it. I love them so much that because of their absence, I am lost. Pure and simple. It is difficult for me to explain, to comprehend, to justify what I feel within these limits of the spoken word. No matter what language I try to convey it, be it visual image, sound, the image and beauty of silence and mystery, the notion remains the same. 

I am writing this on paper right now, the pages within my journal, one of so many, but I am writing it here because it???s coming out and I can???t stop it, and this needs to be said and not forgotten. Sometimes it comes out easier here, in thought, in verse, it pours out of me like ice cold water being poured over someone???s head from a giant wooden bucket. 

I am probably going to begin crying as I continue to write this and then present it out there, to this world, to this dear void??? but I won???t hold back. It???s all a part of it ??? a part of me. You need to feel this. 

I love someone so much, so unconditionally, that even to see this in words in front of my eyes is killing me. It???s killing me because if you could only imagine the emotion and the feeling that is behind these lines and curves, you would begin to shake. 

I love someone so much that my life as of right now at this very moment in time is hurting my heart so deeply. If they only knew. I pray that they do know because I have tried so hard with what I have, with what I can, with all I can give to properly express how I feel. But still for several reasons, I am not sure if the message has been truly received. God, if they only knew. If they could only feel this in the true degree that I am. If the emotion and magnitude of this could only be so perfectly captured. Maybe because of it???s intensity there is simply no way to come close to recreating it because that is what makes it so true ??? it just can???t. I???m trying so hard, I am. Despite my own doubts, in my heart I believe that they do know. I pray to god they know. They know. I???m just not complete. Like a blind girl walking around an old abandoned town with her arms stretched out iron straight in front of her counting the steps she takes to reach each new location??? she???s waiting for the moment when out of no where, from the darkness, from behind, that hand comes back, comes out, and grabs her. Then, although always the ability to see and view things like no other ??? she now sees. I???ve tried to do anything I could, anything, but my heart refuses to lead me somewhere else. 

I have shared this story with people from all around the world. Every country, every religion, every story and history, every heartbreak, heartbreaker, every loss, every gain, every age, every language, and they have all come to the same resolution. I even at times took the position of the other, took the angle and perspective of the opposite and still ??? the same home I come back to. That must mean something. I was born and came alive ??? finally. Finally the moment you showed me you cared and opened up your heart, the beauty, the compassion, kindness, and gentleness that was within your heart, it became the only light I saw in a very clouded world. No matter how foggy or how many clouds were hovering above, your light, no matter how distant or how at times faint, was the only thing I needed to feel everything was going to be ok. For the first time in my life I felt finally free. That was it for me. It???s not to say I have not felt pain, confusion, silence ??? I still do. But the one thing I have never done, is doubt who I love the most, more than anyone else in the entire universe??? I search, and search, and search, and search, and one name continues to pop up - ???.. 

I feel like I am an anchor tied to a massive thick rope hanging over the side of a giant luxury yacht, hooked on and gasping for it???s chance to let go ??? just let go. But then when I find what it is that the hook is latched onto, I find something I never imagined ??? I find love. I find home. I find??? you. 

This story has been shared, secretly, quietly, privately, emotionally, creatively all around the globe. Different continents, different races, I never once was selective in my yearning for advice, interpretation, for contemplative translation??? for hope. The backgrounds, the histories, the loves, the breaks??? they could not have been more diverse or more different. I have gone to them ALL. Gone with an open heart, and open mind and empty soul, and they have all returned united and formed a harmony that can only be described as ??? unconditional true love. All angles, all sides, all ups, all downs, and the verdict is in and my heart knows the answer. But, that answer is of right now only within my heart??? deep inside, safe. Safe where I can protect it and keep it private for me away from a world where although in great pain and screaming longing for their voice to be heard and just isn???t??? I still love it so very much. I do. 

There is the world, the stars, the planets, the universe, and then dispersed all within that are pieces of you. Pieces of me are there to, although now both seemingly floating in space, defying all the common and known laws of gravity, time, and space, remaining distant in each others curved paths in orbit. The funny thing is, the closer I look at my path the more I see just how much of you is within it???s content. 

You took me by surprise that you understood. The funny thing was, your guard was finally down as well??? Maybe to you it wasn???t noticeable, but trust me ??? it was. That, is paradise. The heart was finally open. Finally. That is the human condition at its most honest, its most true. That is why I do what I do and why when I feel what I do, I trust it no matter what spears or knives are lunged directly at it. That condition that so very few recognize is what people have fought and died for??? that honor, that sense of self, that justice, that peace. It???s a miracle. It???s the one thing that truly can save any of us from the deepest of despair. As I???ve said many times, once the world recognizes the power of love over the love of power, the world will finally know peace. Although naive and innocent in it???s hope??? seldom do people realize that it is a statement which when directed at yourself, your own heart, your own life, can become a reality easier than they realize. All they have to do is love. And I did, and continue to... 

I used to love hearing your voice. I didn???t care what you said or if you were upset or angry with me, disappointed in something I said or forgot, or started to cry to much like I usually did, or get worried and be nervous, because I loved hearing you. It made me feel so happy inside, so at peace. Everything else just seemed to fade out, and all I heard was you. Hearing from you, although a vast ocean away, made my mornings worth waking up and braving the troubled day that no doubt laid ahead. And then hearing from you again later on, it didn't matter in what form, something so simple, was the only bedtime story I needed to know I???d be safe and could find my dreams as I slept. It didn???t matter that in truth, I was all alone. I never was alone though in my heart. Ever. I never needed anything more than what you were willing to give me. I was grateful and so appreciative of the smallest thing, because I???d never had that before from anyone ??? not a single person. From animals yes, from those in vulnerable positions, in pain, in hospitals and small rescue rooms??? from them it was always there, always unconditional ??? but that was just one side. The other side, was taken by you. The hole had finally been sealed, and I had finally been healed. 

You can tell so much about a person from their voice. Without even giving the sound flesh to dress it, through ones voice you can see straight to their hearts ??? to their true self. Much like the eyes, there is purity and vulnerability in a persons voice and in their eyes that often tells their story better than even they can. The job is already done and quite often they aren???t even realizing it. You had such kindness in your voice. I always noticed that from the very first instance. I didn???t need to know anything else, nothing. I knew. I felt the kindness, the tenderness, the compassion and the love??? most of the time it had nothing to do with me at all. It was connected to other aspects of your life, your past, your present??? but I still found it, maybe even before you realized., but I did. Something like that I see so clearly when most look away. I heard something I???d never heard before for the first time in my life. Once you find something like that, you would be a fool to let it go. You keep it and you care for it like a baby bird. Even through the strong winds, you hold it close and protect it since it???s all you???ve got. I felt like I was speaking with an angel. Maybe the angel never did have a human connection, it was something of divinity??? perhaps that is the reason it far surpassed anything I had ever known and so it allowed me to unconsciously overlook so much. A mysterious revelation, but one with an instant truth nonetheless. 

I was overwhelmed. You called me. No one else did. No one. Did you know that? Did you know how scared, I mean scared I was? That horrible day. You know I???ve talked of being scared so many times, and still do. You know I???ve spoken of when ones own personal history is in and of itself history that years from now young children will look back to in their books and examine, and try to recapture or revisit to get a sense of the emotion, the feeling, the magnitude of it all??? You showed you cared, and then??? ???there you were. There weren???t many before you, you know this. In fact, there was never a sense of family ever??? not in the sense that most looking in would not judge as naive, innocent, or not quite of this world??? but, they were all I had. But that never mattered to me ??? I knew when my heart was ready and that it would never steer me wrong. I was skeptical at first, skeptical that one could feel so much for someone so distant, like looking at a painting in a museum from afar yet feeling it???s impact even though you are rooms away??? it???s still possible to sense something from so far, to feel it in your gut??? but the caution is always there, especially in the beginning. But, in matters of the heart, again... time, space, and any natural laws are completely crushed??? they just disappear into thin air. My heart had been pumping and in spite of everything, EVERYTHING ??? it still didn???t let me down. You made me feel special, for the first time in my life. 

I know you told me you???ve had many before. Again though, they were always just words. But because of my heart and what it directed me to do, there was never a need to doubt you, to question you, to suspect??? my heart just didn???t care. Even if at times it was bumped a little and got bruised, it keep going??? it kept beating. I know you said there was so much??? and even right now??? I don???t doubt there is one right at this very moment. For me, my heart and it???s continuous journey through all the webs, the locks, the chains, the bars, there is one thing that continues to just not feel the same ??? because you???re not here. I am so amazed??? there is so much right now, and still, still this is all I can think of. Without it, again, I am lost. I just don???t know who I am. 

Remember the photograph of the happy jumping puppy? You saw his teeth... It was so sweet wasn't it? That little guy was one of the many I saved that night when a little red dot was ordered that they be killed the following morning. Little babies, killed because there was no room... I couldn't allow that to happen - I wouldn't. And so, I took action. Nothing made me feel happier. Now, he can live the life he was destined to. It's the little things like that which you appreciate, you do... most people don't today, and for that, I always smile. Remember the conversations that lasted countless hours where time totally disappeared and eluded us both? Remember how hard it was for me to have to say goodbye to you when the line eventually died and cut off. It hurt me to put the phone back down on the receiver, I didn???t want it to end. I didn???t want to close off that world, our world??? I didn???t want to loose that home. Remember our mirrored silliness and need to play? Remember how you made fun of me for worrying so much about you and your health? Look whos talking right??? I know, especially now??? ironic isn???t it. I don???t know if you realized it, but I would literally loose sleep because I sensed there was something on your mind, a pain in your heart. The entire time, it was all I thought about and cared about. I just couldn't sleep or even stop this mind of mine from running until I knew you were ok. And now, today, all those around me are aware of it, they know of it, they feel it??? it???s grown to something far beyond that of a cinematic storyline??? it???s reality. My reality, but not certain of yours. I had a car crash, and I thought of one person??? you. What???s wrong with me??? I longed for you to trust me and open up to me like you???ve never done ever before in your life??? I wanted you to share it all. You tried so hard, so hard... I know you did and still are ??? I am to. I can probably understand what you were feeling then and even now maybe far better than anyone else in this world. I understand. It???s not easy. You are my best friend, you always have been. You???re my buddy. My best buddy??? My Bubba. You were my home, my grass, my sky, and despite the eating sensation right now in my heart ??? you still are. Nothing has changed. 

We would laugh, SO HARD you and I, so hard??? and about things so many judged us instantly for. But, we never cared. Never. Because of that, we never ever felt alone. Alone nevermore. You had a family, even if I can remember real hard the possibility of a new one... I was so happy for you, god was I happy... but there was more??? more that even you didn???t know, and when you did know I imagined your continued sense of completion, of happiness. I was so happy for you. More happy that maybe you will ever realize. It made my heart happy to know yours would be??? if even a little bit. It meant so much to me. You are my family, and when you found more family, I was gaining a family to, if only through spirit. You listened to me cry so hard so many times. About things that people my age should never have to cry about. I was so alone, so helpless, I needed to leave, to be taken away??? and even though you could only offer so much, it was all I needed to get through the tears and know they were being heard??? I never had that before. Sometimes yes, you were a part of the tears, but mostly not. Either way, you let me cry. 

One day much later when I cried out I felt a wall had been put up. It came out of nowhere. Part of me understood it tremendously because I am the same way??? I understood the wall??? but I couldn???t deny its pain and knife that went straight into a suddenly sinking heart. I was afraid although when before I was heard, this time around, I wasn???t??? there was just no way I could tell. At night I prayed for an answer, I thought so much of so many things. I traveled to the end of my being and then back, and still, still could not find an answer. So, I said I was sorry for anything hoping I could feel that sanctuary within you I began to call home ??? but, your door was shut and locked and I didn???t have the key. I was left outside all alone??? once again. I felt strange apologizing for the fact that I was hurting??? that??? that is the most unimaginable feeling in the entire world??? you are crushed. You feel guilty for hurting, for being in pain, for being helpless and the other not doing a single thing to help ease your heart or hold its hand. I felt I had been shot straight in the chest ??? hard. I couldn???t breathe. There was nothing more I thought I could do, could give??? I had nothing more to offer. Then, I collapsed to the ground ??? literally. I just sat and weeped and weeped for the longest time. It???s continued, but it???s deep in the safety of my broken heart right now and I can hide it well. Very well. But again, the story is known. And despite it being protected to safe right now, it's echo???s are throbbing as we speak. You can feel them, I know you can. If you close your eyes, take a breath and listen ??? you will hear it. Then, you will find me. Sometimes I made myself physically sick and hurt because I cried so hard??? I just hurt to much. But, no one knew, no one else could know, no one could understand??? and as to be expected, no one cared. So, it remained my secret. 

In time, I tried on different masks. Beautiful ones. Beautifully sculpted masks, which recreated my form and transformed what was hurting on the inside into something of presentation and escapism on the outside. I tried on all kinds of guises. I dove deep into the history books, deep into the greatest spirits and innovators, pioneers, and humanitarians of all time to regain some of that lost hope??? I saw myself so much in so many of them??? The stories were now more similar than ever before, and because of that, an attachment grew. Writer, lover, preacher, painter, sculpture, magician, politician, oddity, curiosity, entertainer ??? it didn???t matter. Pieces of me were now seemingly popping up like a road map like I never saw before. I re-invented myself completely from within and without. But no matter what I did or what I tried??? much like how ET could not hide the effervescent beating of his bright red heart in the middle of his little chest ??? mine continued to stick out and hover atop all the rest??? even above the LABYRINTH, my very own creation. 

There is a distinct reason everything now is black and white. If you take a step back maybe you'll be able to find it... If you look in your heart, the answer is there. 

I remember everything. Everything. Every detail, every frame, every emotion. I think of it all. You would be very surprised how and what I think of each and every second of the day??? 

I think of your family. I think of your little sister and how much I care for her, and pray for her, and hope she is ok even though I???ve never even met her. You told me of her condition, her pain, and I felt that. I feel that in all people even at times ignoring myself. But as with all great humanitarians throughout history have been known to be??? without your care and your concern and your genuine love for those around you, you are left without cause, without purpose, without your mission. Their plights are what define you??? Those who you love create your identity. They hold your statue strong and tall. I love her because she is a part of you, and you are a part of me. I pray that her pain is eased as much as it can be, even when my own pain seemingly increases over something, something that has gone far beyond the eras of meaning and sense??? It???s magic. Whether dark magic or not... it's still magic. 

Remember I told you the story of the girl who would walk around the streets in New York on stilts following September 11th obviously struggling to move around and get to where she needed to go. She was all alone and yet she was still pushing herself so hard??? I never spoke to her one on one, but I saw her from afar. I knew she was hurting, and I knew she needed help but she wouldn't dare disturb anyone to ask for it. I am the same way. My heart wanted to help her but I didn???t know how or what to do??? what could I offer? I spotted a wheelchair that was left and seemed to be sitting around for days, weeks at a time??? I knew she would never think to ask to use it, nor anyone around her, because they would have done that by now. For whatever reason, no money, no time??? no family, they just didn???t give her what she obviously so desperately to me needed. She needed help. She needed someone, anyone to show that they cared. And something such as that chair could help her so much??? I knew I had to do something. So, I offered whatever I could find in my pocket and bought the chair, I found out her name and the room number where she stayed and came back to each night, and I left the chair there for her one night for when she came home with a little note on it that read, 

"You don???t know me, nor I you, but I can feel your pain and I wanted to help you. This was all I could do and I hope that this helps you in some small way. There is no reason to thank me or even know who I am because all I care about is you, and this helping you, which I think it will. Please accept this gift on my behalf. All my love to you???" 

I never signed my name??? I just left it blank and drew a heart. Who I was wasn???t important, it was that she was helped and for that, my heart couldn???t have been happier. Days later when I saw her on her usual path she was no longer struggling on those horrible plastic stilts, she was sitting in the chair and getting around even faster than she had imagined. She could bring more books to read, as many as she liked, and she could enjoy the simple pleasures that we in this life take so much for granted??? I don???t know how she is today or where she is, but in my heart I hope she is doing ok and that she is still using that chair. I hope in some small way what I did and could offer her made an impact on her heart to show that there still are people out there who really do care. If so, that???s the only gift in return I could ever ask for. She would frown so much before, and now.. whenever I saw her even weeks later, she smiled more than I had ever seen. I knew my job was done. Much like her, you could relate to that with your own sister??? not out of sympathy I cared, but out of true compassion in knowing that I live to heal??? sadly, I was unaware that maybe one day, I would be hurt so badly that my ability to heal others would become jaded??? I just never thought it possible??? but human nature follows no given course, and for that, I fell victim to it??? I am ashamed??? but a break in my heart just refused to escape me??? it had to happen, and it has. 

Without you, there is no me. 

I care so much, you???ll never know. I love you more than life itself??? and because of that, what is happening right now is so clear and so understood because it???s source is so vivid??? It???s all I???ve ever known. Comets shoot across the sky continually and yet no one really knows why, they just do - and they'll never stop as long as people believe in what they are seeing to be real. If they stop believing, they eventually fade away. Well, I refuse to stop believing. 

What does that mean? It must mean something yes? 

Love,
JL 

4:32 pm, 6:21 pm, 10:08 pm, 11:24 am 




Jamie Leigh Posted Within The Woods Of New Jersey ; LETTERS FROM YOU / EDITORIALS ; Join The JL Mailing List For Exclusives ; AOL IM at handle: xAnAmericanGrrlx ; The Official Jamie Leigh Fanclub ; [ CAFE SHOP AND STORE. Please support and help spread the word and messages behind them. ] ; Wishlist


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## OMEGAx (Jun 11, 2012)

who is this chic?


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## Little Wing (Jun 11, 2012)

the one on the left.


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## Little Wing (Jun 11, 2012)

i'd say more but this isn't anything goes.


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## OMEGAx (Jun 12, 2012)

she has good face make up, and is pretty aware of that, but the rest needs tighting  up


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